Thirty-seven
Liem
Mom knows something we don’t, otherwise she wouldn’t have called us out here, but Grandma seems the same as before.
The same wise, sassy, loving woman, even if she’s now bedridden.
Family is most important to her, and she lights up whenever we are around.
Having all her kids and grandkids with her brings her joy.
Bri was right, as she always is. This is the most time we’ve spent together since she lived in the States, and the first time in years since all six of us have been in one place at the same time for more than a week.
It reminds me of the days when Mom first took us away from Dad and moved us to Seattle.
I was old enough to understand what was going on.
She never said she was leaving him, only that we were moving so May could be closer to her new school.
My aunties never married or had kids; my mom the only one with a “traditional” family like Grandma.
It was a house of rivalries and bickering, my grandma providing acceptance and love.
And while I’m still the odd one out, the only man in the room, I feel at home, my family complete.
Telling my dad I didn’t need anything from him freed me of so much pent-up anger. I didn’t need him to fix anything; I needed to be heard and to stop carrying the dead weight of a relationship that will never come back to life.
It feels right to relive the good times I had in his absence, to be with the women who raised and shaped me before everything changes. A bittersweet line at the end of a chapter.
Watching the sunset through the windows, I listen to the background track of my mom and aunties laughing in the next room, hear the shrill honk of a motorbike on the nearby street, and remember Brooklyn with Bri.
May sits next to me, placing a small plate of leftover duck between us. She smacks my hand when I reach for a piece. “This is not for you.” Why did I think she’d share?
“I can’t have a little piece?”
She gives me a side-eye, implying I am an idiot for asking. “Did you decide if you’re gonna move to San Francisco or not?”
Sure, let’s change the subject. “There’s no reason to. It wouldn’t save any time on travel to LA.”
“Then are you moving to LA?”
“Do you want me to leave that badly?”
She shrugs. “You’re not happy in Seattle. Move to the place with the most fun shit I can do when I visit you.”
Offering to spend time with me aside, this emotionally supportive sister who listens role May is playing is nice.
“If I move to San Francisco, it will be a lateral shift for work because I could transfer. If I move to LA, it’s starting over, guaranteed demotion and pay cut.
Either way, I’d be alone in a new place until Bri can join me in whatever capacity. ”
“Oh, like you were planning on having a social life anyway.”
“I was.”
She laughs, almost choking on her bite before she swallows it. “You don’t want friends, Liem. You want someone who loves as deeply as you do. You want to be with Bri.”
Why am I being read? “Shut up.”
“Eat glass.”
We exchange a smirk. “I told her I’m in love with her.”
“Look at you growing a set. What did she say?”
“That she loves me too, but . . . I’m not sure that she’s in love with me.”
“Okay, wait.” May straightens up in her chair. “Did you tell her you’re in love with her or did you say ‘I love you so much’ and assume she got the message?”
Remembering our conversation, the mix of chemicals and desire and nervousness, I can’t remember what I said at all. “I’m not sure.”
“Dumbass. You have to be clear with her. The minute we leave here, you—”
She stops, both of us realizing what leaving here means. Getting back to the lives we led before means starting a new life without our grandma. This is the last time we’ll see her.
Even though May doesn’t want to show what she’s feeling, I still see the dimples in her chin while she tries to hold back her tears. I pull her into a hug I know she’ll pretend to hate.
“I’m not ready to not have a grandma,” she admits.
“Me either. I wish she could live forever.”
She hugs me back, hiding her tears beneath a deep breath.
“Let’s go talk to her,” I suggest.
“You go.” She leans away, fanning her eyes. “I don’t want her to see me like this.”
With a nod, I leave her, going back to Grandma’s bedroom, finding Mom sitting by her bedside. They both grin at me like I caught them in the middle of something.
Mom pats Grandma’s hands and stands, inviting me onto the chair in her place. “We’re going to the market. Do you want anything?”
Only time. And that can’t be bought. “No, I’m good.”
She kisses me on the cheek and leaves. I sit, taking Grandma’s hand.
“We were talking about you,” she says. I figured. I love her accent, the way you feel it in the back of your throat even when you’re not the one speaking it. “She says you have a girlfriend.”
“She’s lying. I have a best friend I wish was my girlfriend. Or more than that.”
“Do you love her?”
“A lot, yeah.”
“Tell me about her. Your mother said she is very pretty.”
“Here, I’ll show you.”
I take out my phone, picking out appropriate pictures before holding them in her view. Ones I took, ones I stole for my private collection. She’s half of the pictures I have from the last six months. My life changed the second I met her.
“Marry that girl,” she says, more a demand than a suggestion. “I want you to have someone to take care of you through your life. To care for you and make you happy.”
“Even if she doesn’t love me the same way?”
“She will.” She pats my hand as if I’m the one in need of comfort.
“You were a very sad child. Quiet, never making trouble, always choosing to be alone. And now, a picture of a woman makes you smile so big.” A smile of her own spreads across her face.
“I’m happy I can leave this world knowing my sad boy found someone who will never let him be sad again. ”
A wave of emotion covers me. Tears build in my eyes at the unwanted reminder. I’ve never had to be without my grandmother. I’ve never had to think about making happy memories and not being able to tell her.
“I don’t want you to go,” I cry.
“I know.” She reaches over slowly, wiping my tears away. “I won’t ever leave you.”
“I love you so much.”
“I love you too.”
~
The sun rises above the jagged stones that jut from the water like narrow mountains.
It’s the first morning without my grandmother.
My tears have dried because I feel her in the sun, warming my skin like one of her hugs.
It’s bittersweet. She’s here, even though she’s not.
I miss her, though I know she will always be with me.
Time passes quickly, the dawn turning into day in what feels like minutes. It’s nighttime in California. Not the perfect time to call my personal sunshine, but I need her right now.
I video call Bri, hoping it’s a time she can pick up. When her face appears, I get emotional.
“Hey, babe. How are you? How is Grandma?” Not my grandma. Hers too.
“She passed late last night in her sleep.”
Her smile fades away. “I’m so sorry, babe.”
“It’s okay. She was happy all the way to the end. And you were right. I’m thankful I got to have that time with her.”
“I’m glad you did too.”
I’m at peace, in a way, but my peace still makes me cry. She sits with me quietly, letting the well of emotions wash over me. When I can dry my tears and speak again, the words fly out of my mouth. “I love you.”
“I love you too.”
“No, I mean . . . I’m in love with you.”
“Yeah, I know.” She gives me a tearful smile. “Can I tell you something?” she asks. Before I can answer, she flinches when someone yells from behind her. “One sec,” she tells them.
The next bout of yelling shows they don’t have a second to give her. I feel my light dimming already.
“Babe, I’m sorry, I have to get back to work.”
“It’s okay. Thanks for talking to me.”
“Always. I’ll call you when I’m off, okay?” I nod. “Be patient with yourself. You are very loved. Especially by me.”
“Thank you. Talk to you soon.”
The call ends, and it couldn’t be clearer. I can’t wait anymore. There’s no point. I’m set to fly back home, and my home is Bri.
Going to her will be another grand gesture.
The scars of the last time I flew across the country to be with someone pop into my head and almost change my mind.
But though she doesn’t say it, I believe Bri has been trying to be with me as much as I have with her.
We want this, and we could have this, if the world would stop getting in the way.
So here I am, ready to move mountains and oceans to be with her.
~
Three hours later, the airport isn’t too busy, and the security line is much easier than it is in the States, leaving me plenty of time to sit and practice the speech I will give Bri when I arrive, uninvited, on her doorstep.
Should I give her a speech? Speeches are for self-sabotaging clingers, aren’t they? No speech. This is a bad idea.
Mom and May were behind me all the way, pushing me to fly back immediately to go see her. Funny that the first time I was in this situation, they had no idea it was happening until after it blew up in my face. I wonder if they would have supported this decision before.
Finally, my phone rings with Bri’s call. Her face appears, calming me and making my heart race at the same time.
“I’m sorry I had to get off the phone so quickly before,” she says. “How are you holding up?”
“I’m doing okay. Sad, but okay.”
“I wish I could hug you right now. I miss you so much.”
“I miss you too. More than you know.” I swallow back my fear, waiting for her to catch on to what is in view behind me. “So, um—”
“Last call for boarding, flight 8802 for Taiwan.” The announcement saves me from my explanation.
“Was that a—Are you in an airport?”
“I am.”
“You’re going back already? You should take some time.”
A deep breath straightens my posture. She could reject me, flat in my digital face. At least that would save me a trip. “I’m coming home. To you.”
“What do you mean? You’re going home, and then to me?”
“ ‘Home’ and ‘you’ are the same place, Bri.”
The look of stupor on her face tells me to continue.
“I was telling my grandma about you, and she said she had never seen me look so happy,” I say.
“I love the person I’ve become since I’ve known you, but it was never about how you make me feel.
It’s just you. I love the way you speak through touch as much as words, the way you smell like marshmallows, the way sunlight radiates from your soul without you even noticing.
I come to life when you are around. Because you are everything to me. ”
“Liem, I—”
“Wait. Listen.” I can’t let her stop me from saying the most important part.
“One of the last things Grandma said to me was, ‘Marry that girl.’ ” Bri looks lost for words.
Lucky for her, I have plenty. “If I stop focusing on getting everything right or meeting expectations and think about what makes me happy, all I see is you. Your sunshine, your drive, you sitting next to me, talking shit when we’re as old as my grandma. And I know you see it too.”
She stares at me, brow furrowed, her hand covering her mouth.
“So . . . you should probably say something before I—”
“I got the job,” she blurts out.
That’s not what I expected her to say. “You did?”
“Yes.” There are tears in her eyes and a smile on her face.
My heart swells. “It’s my dream job, babe—health insurance, flexible schedule, and the pay is .
. . generous. For me, at least. Enough to afford my own place and have enough left over to pay down my debt.
It’s going to be a learning curve and a lot of work, but it’s as close to perfect as possible. ”
This is everything she’s wanted. “I’m so happy for you.”
“And, babe. I didn’t tell you this before because I didn’t want to jinx it, but the job isn’t here. It’s in San Francisco.”
It takes me a moment to piece together what she’s saying. Her dream coming true leads to mine coming true as well. If that’s not destiny, I don’t know what is. “What are you saying?”
She takes a breath as if steeling herself for her next words. “I was going to ask if you still wanted to move there. You can stay with me while you find a new job. Or . . . just stay. Call it payback for Brooklyn.”
My fuck yes is implied. “I love you so much.”
“I always felt like I was behind in life, but you’re right.
What I need—what I’ve always needed—is to be happy wherever I am.
To live,” she says. And that is everything I’ve wanted for her.
“Even though life will always be a struggle for me, I still deserve to be happy. I deserve someone as perfect as you. I’m tired of the distance and the hesitation and the excuses.
I’m in love with you, and if we wait for everything to be perfect, we will be waiting forever. ”
Now we’re both in tears. “Well, fuck,” I say with a laugh. “I thought I was the one with the practiced speech.”
“Twinnem.”
I wipe my smiling cheeks and feel confident in my decision. “I’m on my way to you. I’ll call you when I land.”
“Good,” she says. “I love you.”
“I love you too.”
“See you soon, Hoodie.”
We end the call, and I’m not sure I’ve ever been this euphoric before. I’m buzzing, filled with love and light. If I could leave my seat, I wouldn’t walk but float.
My phone rings. Thinking it’s Bri again, I whip it out, only to find an unexpected number instead. Why is Natalie’s mom calling me?
“Hello?”
“Liem?”
“Hi, Mrs. Phong. Why are you—what did . . . Do you need something?” I’m not sure what to say to her. We spoke maybe twice the whole time I was with her daughter.
“Natalie is having a really rough time,” she explains. “You know how she is. Too proud to ask for help.”
I know that quite well. That’s one of the many reasons we’re not together. “Right.”
“She’s been feeling very down, and I can’t be here as much as she needs. She may have told you she doesn’t need help with the baby, but she does.”
I would have thought I’d died and dropped into an icy hell if my heart wasn’t pounding. “What do you—What do you mean ‘baby’?”
She mutters a disapproving sentence of understanding. “Did she not tell you she had the baby either?”
My heart tries to beat out of my chest. “Ma’am. What baby are you talking about?”
She says it as if telling me the sky is blue. “Your son.”