Chapter 35 Ariana #2
“Let’s go, Ariana.” Eislyn picked up the sparring sticks and turned to me, completely ignoring Iver.
For some reason, I found myself looking to Iver as if asking for permission to leave.
He jerked his head to the side, gesturing for me to go. “Hope you two have a lovely evening. And do yourself a favor and don’t involve yourself in future Lysian conflicts. Unless you happen to have a protective form of conjuring.”
Somehow, I managed not to stumble at his choice of words, schooling my expression into a mask of calm. I did not respond.
He watched us as we made our way through the small field.
“What in Spirit’s name were you thinking? Just because you helped Erik the other day does not mean that Iver will let you behave as you wish towards him,” Eislyn hissed when we were nearly back at the building where my room was.
“He was hurting you,” I pointed out, surprised at her anger.
“He would not have broken my arm. I would have been fine.” Her gaze cut to me. “I have known him for a long time. He uses words to torment others. He does not enjoy inflicting physical harm.” The two of them had been friends at some point. That was news I needed a moment to get used to.
“Why does he speak that way to you and Kole?” I asked. Iver enjoyed pushing getting a rise out of them most often.
“Iver speaks that way to everyone. But he is perhaps upset with the two of us.” She looked back over her shoulder where we came from, but he was gone.
“Upset?” I asked.
A deep sigh escaped from her. “The three of us used to be close before what happened. Well, I guess if I were to include Erik, then it was the four of us. But, after everything, Kole and I became cruel to each other. Iver ended up being, in a way, stuck in the middle, which he hated. So, he removed himself from everything altogether.”
So that was Iver’s pain, the root of his anger. He lost two of his friends without physically losing them. Just as that loss tormented him, he now tormented them in return.
Eislyn stopped at my door, waiting for me to enter.
“I’m sorry,” I said to her, feeling guilty.
“Just don’t get between Lysians again. That’s not wise,” she said, still waiting for me to enter the room.
“Thanks for training me.” I finally opened the door.
“Get some rest,” she said by way of goodbye, turning and walking back the way we had come.
I entered the sitting room to find Kole lounging in one of the chairs, clearly waiting for my return. He looked up from the book in his hands. He slouched to the side, comfortably passing the time while I was gone.
A forced smile in his direction was all I could manage in response to his greeting nod.
Icy blue eyes tracked me as I made my way through the small space before finding myself in front of my room, unable to go in.
A pang of strange guilt pulled at me, for I now knew a personal story of Kole’s, and he hadn’t the slightest of clues. If not addressed, then the guilt might quietly drive me mad. I needed to air everything out. With a deep breath, I turned to face him.
“Mind if I sit with you a minute?” I asked, already crossing the room to take the open chair near him.
Crystal-blue eyes glinted, and he shut the book in his hands, placing it on the small shared table between the two chairs.
“Sure,” he said, with a look of confusion passing over him.
I licked my lips, not knowing where to begin. “There is something I need to let you know.”
Kole shifted in his chair, sitting upright and squaring his shoulders. It was likely clear that I was uncomfortable, and that piqued his interest. All his attention settled on me.
I swallowed my discomfort. “I was told something that I have no right to know, for it was neither you nor Eislyn who shared this information with me, and I cannot in good conscience go on pretending I know nothing of your story,” I stated, waiting for his response.
Kole’s breath left him, and he leaned back in his chair, away from me.
“Iver?” he asked, his voice low.
I nodded in answer, and he cursed. “Ashes, that idiot can’t keep his nose out of things that have nothing to do with him.
” A wave of anger spread through the room, stemming from the Lysian.
Kole’s hands balled up into fists on his lap.
It was as if it was all he could do to not destroy something in the room.
I glanced at the hearth, burning with a small flame licking a nearly incinerated log.
The fire danced, stretching over the dead wood.
For a while, it held my attention as I waited for Kole to direct the conversation.
Did he wish to talk about it, or did he want me to leave things as they were?
I began growing uneasy with the passing time while he sat there, getting angrier and angrier.
I turned to him. “I don’t expect you to talk to me about any of this, but I felt you should know what I have been told.” I spoke calmly, hoping that it would help to ease the growing tension in the room.
“What did he tell you?” Kole kept his attention fixed on me.
His face was turning red with all that he was trying to keep bottled in.
Though he was massive in size, I was pretty sure he had too much rage to keep trapped within that bulk.
No amount of muscle or strength could contain such radiating painful fury for very long, and I was confident that my answering his question would only fuel the flame. It was going to spill out of him.
“He said that you and Eislyn were to be mated. That his sister was jealous of no longer having your attention, and so she kissed you, but Eislyn saw,” I said, deciding to give him the quickest version of the story I could come up with.
Kole snorted. “Yeah, she saw alright. And did he tell you what happened next?” His words grew bitter.
My heart rate increased.
“He said you found her in a bed with another,” I answered.
A cruel smile found its way to Kole’s lips, and he appeared genuinely terrifying. “Yes. She could not wait to destroy me.” His nostrils flared as if he couldn’t pull enough air into his lungs.
There was so much pain hidden within him.
I contemplated leaving Kole to himself. Even though he remained seated, his breathing pattern changed, becoming shallow.
His eyes grew cruel, and his demeanor cold.
Never had I felt such potent rage coming from him.
His hands, which were balled into fists, were turning white.
The small room buzzed with violent energy, and it felt as though the slightest thing could set it off into an explosion.
Under normal circumstances, I did not think Kole would ever have harmed me but seeing him that way was uncomfortably precarious.
I should have left. Instead, I found myself asking, “Why do you think she wanted to destroy you?”
“How should I know? To show a force of power. To hurt me for disrespecting her.” His words were a growl on his lips.
“Did you disrespect her?” I asked, keeping my voice low and calm, hoping it would somehow keep him from losing control of that rage even though I was diving deeper into his pain.
“No,” he said angrily. “At least that was not the intent.”
I nodded, allowing for silence to fall over us.
Several heartbeats later, he elaborated, as if needing to fill the silence.
“I had always been infatuated by Iona. It was a childish emotion. But when I opened my heart to Eislyn, I believed I had truly met my person. She became my world, and I loved her. Then Iona did a stupid thing. That kiss was everything I had wanted for so long, yet at that moment, it was the last thing I wished for. Should I have pushed her away sooner? Probably. But I was shocked by the entire thing. And she is a freaking royal and a friend. So, what is the proper way to respond in that situation?”
“Did you explain these thoughts and feelings to Eislyn?” I was digging deeper, and though Kole was visibly upset, he let me. Despite the rage and hurt he felt by reliving these vulnerable moments, some part of him must have craved to share them.
“I was giving her time to calm down. She was so angry, lost her mind. And then I walked in on her . . .” He did not have to finish, for I knew how that ended. Both of them felt the same way, too blinded by bitter anger to see the love and pain that fueled their actions.
“And you believe that Eislyn did that to hurt you and take back power?” I repeated what he had told me her reason was for doing what she did.
“Don’t you?” he asked defensively.
“I do not know her reasons for her actions, for she did not share them with me. But I would like to propose a possible alternative.” I waited for him to either accept or refuse the choice.
“What?”
“If I had found the person who I believed was my other half in life, if there was one person who I felt truly safe within this wild cruel world above anyone else, then I would love and cherish that bond above all else. If I then caught them doing something that went against everything I believed we were—even if it wasn’t intended as a betrayal—well, in a fury of pain, I may have seen it as such.
Suddenly, the safest thing about my world becomes the most dangerous and painful.
That would be incredibly frightening. And if that person then withdrew from me, turned their back on me when I felt most vulnerable and did not wish to try and explain, I would be left heartbroken.
I may even then ensure that I would never feel such pain again by doing something that would force all ties to be cut with that person who is now far too dangerous to be in my life. ”
His brows furrowed, gaze falling to the ground in thought. “You think she did what she did . . . to protect herself?” Suddenly some of that anger that had no end lost its force, and a trace of sadness moved through him.
“I have no idea why she reacted the way she had. That is something only she can answer for you, just as only you can answer for her the questions she must also carry as to why you did not try and come to her sooner.”
“But she hates me.” Though it was said as a statement, there was clear doubt there.
“Do you hate her?” I asked.
He was silent.
“Or do you hate that she hurt you?”
Kole’s head began to shake as if he could not bring himself to believe what I was saying.
I dared to continue. “What is hate? It is a form of passion, and passion is the root that grows into all deep feelings such as hate or love. The opposite of passion is indifference. And one thing that I do know for certain is that neither of you feels indifference towards each other. But both of you do still harbor a great deal of passion.”
Kole shifted his weight to the side of his seat.
Unfurrowing the fingers of his right hand, he brought it to his face and then passed it through his hair.
Bringing his elbow to rest on the armrest, he craned his head so that his fingers remained intertwined in his golden strands.
His face was largely hidden from me. I reached for his free hand, which was still balled into a fist on his thigh.
My fingers moved over his hand until I grasped it.
All I knew was that he was in pain, and I wished to help him through it.
However, I had no idea how to do that other than to reach out and physically touch him, to let him know he was not alone.
Kole did not respond to my touch, which I saw as a positive sign, for he did not swat my hand away.
“What have I done? I thought she needed some time . . . me not caring about her is . . .” Kole struggled finding the words. Finally, his left hand opened, allowing for mine to interlock with his for a moment. “Ariana, thank you, but I need you to leave now.” He sounded defeated.
I nodded though he didn’t see me do it. I no longer held his attention. Giving his hand a gentle squeeze, I rose to my feet, leaving him in the small sitting room.
Moments after I finally entered my chamber, I heard the sound of pages flapping as he chucked the book he had been reading at a wall.
Sounds of chaos followed, likely the noises of furniture breaking.
Kole roared in anger, and I was glad that Erik was elsewhere so that no one had to witness what was happening.
My heart broke for Kole, for the pain he felt.
Perhaps it would have been better if I had not interfered and kept my mouth shut.
I did not know what Eislyn’s true intentions were for her past actions.
The things we talked about were only to show a different possibility, that things were not always clear.
Assuming to know someone’s reasonings for something was not the same as truly knowing and understanding.
I had hoped to help; instead, it felt as though I had done more harm.
I hated that I caused Kole to question himself in such a way.
With my back to the sitting-room door, I slid down to the ground and sat there while Kole released his torments by physically destroying things.
I remained there, silently with him long after the sounds of chaos had finally subsided.