Chapter 25
twenty-five
“No, no, no, no, no, no, NO! Break, wake him up! Help him!” I scream, everyone around us doing everything they can.
Breaker grabs the plastic wrapper from the bandage pack in his bag.
Ripping Beck’s shirt open, he slaps it over the hole in Beck’s chest, pressing it down hard to stop the air.
Blood oozes out from under it, but the bubbling slows.
This cannot be happening. This wasn’t supposed to go this way.
If anyone should’ve taken a shot to the chest, it should’ve been me.
“I can see your wheels spinning, Willow, and I’m not even looking at you. Don’t go there.” Breaker says, working slowly and methodically to tape down three sides of the plastic.
“Flutter valve,” he muttered, more to himself than to me. “You’re gonna be fine, Helo. I know you can hear me, you son of a bitch. You’re gonna be fine.”
Beck’s eyes fluttered, his jaw muscles clenched tightly. He’s trying to breathe, trying to stay alive, but he’s drifting into unconsciousness.
“Talk to me, Break,” Eli says, wrapping a bandage around Dex’s leg and holding pressure.
“C’mon, Helo. Wake the fuck up. I’m not letting you die with my tape job holding your lung together.” Breaker shouts, and a sob escapes my lips.
He rolls him slightly onto his injured side, shielding his good lung, and bandages his back the same way he did the front.
“This is my fault.” Jaxon cries, but Everett throws an arm around him.
“You did not cause this. This is not your fault, Jaxon,” Ev tells him, but I know he’s feeling just as guilty as I am.
“Did anybody check on…” Elijah asks, his gaze shifting to where Cooper lies on the ground 100 feet away. Megan looks panicked, completely out of her element in this situation. I almost feel bad for her.
“Fuck, what did I do?!” Jaxon says, and my heart shatters. I want to hold him, to comfort him and take all this pain away. But I can’t manage to let go of Beck’s hand for even a second.
“Ev, please get Jax out of here.” I beg, and Ev nods as he leads Jax out the side door.
Sirens sound in the distance, and I will them to move faster.
I can’t lose Beckett, not after everything we’ve been through.
Not after we’ve come so far to be where we are now.
I want to scream, and cry, and set the fucking world on fire for bringing this beautiful, perfect man to me just to rip him from my arms. The next moments are a whirlwind of motion, people rushing in and out, calling out directions and information to each other.
Paramedics attach half a dozen monitors to Beck’s body as he lies in front of me, motionless.
“Ma’am, can you back up just a bit? We need to work on him.” I know he’s speaking to me, but my mind doesn’t compute the request. All I know is that I can’t let him go.
“Will, we have to let them work.” Breaker places a hand on my shoulder, trying to bring me back to reality.
“I won’t let him go. I won’t. I can’t.” I squeeze his hand tighter, tears streaming down my face.
“Ma’am, we’ll take care of him. We’ve gotta take him now,” the paramedic says, attempting to pull his hand from mine.
“NO! YOU CAN’T! HE’S MINE, YOU CAN’T TAKE HIM!” I panic, screaming and holding his hand so tightly I’m sure he’s losing what little circulation he has.
“Willow, let him go. They have to take him, let him go,” Breaker says, pulling me away from him. He holds me back as I thrash, kicking and screaming, trying to claw my way back to Beckett as they carry him outside.
“I have to go with him! I have to! I can’t leave him all alone! Let me go!” I scream, doing everything I can to escape his hold, but he’s too strong. I’m not in control here, I can’t fix this. I can’t protect him. The world around me spins, and I feel the bile rising in my throat.
“I’m gonna be sick” He releases me just in time for me to empty my stomach on the concrete floor.
My hands shake, my whole body feeling like I’ve been electrocuted, and I’m burning from the inside out.
Raw, overwhelming fear overtakes me, and my knees give out, Breaker catching me just before I hit the ground.
I can’t focus. I can’t even breathe. I pant, my breaths coming in short bursts as my body screams for oxygen.
Cooper is dead. I don’t have to ask to be sure. I can feel it in my bones. Our son pulled the trigger. That will haunt him for the rest of his life. There’s no time to process the horror of it all. I can only think about Beckett as the paramedics wheel him out to the ambulance.
“If you want to follow the ambulance, we’ve gotta go now,” Eli says, and I’m barely coherent at this point.
“I’ll stay. Talk to the cops and sort this shit out. You go, Lily. I’ll find you.” Dex says, and tears continue to fall. I nod mindlessly, trying to force my body to move. But it won’t.
Breaker slides his arms under mine, lifting me to my feet and guiding me towards the door. He helps me into Rory’s bronco. Jaxon and Ev climb in the back, Breaker sliding behind the wheel and wasting no time taking off down the road behind the ambulance.
“Where’s Eli...” I say, my voice barely audible.
“He stayed behind with the others. Arsenio’s men showed up as we were leaving. I’m sure the cops will be a nonissue, and the cleanup will be much easier.” Ev replies, the tension in the car so thick it feels like cement in my lungs.
My mind races with all the worst-case scenarios possible. The entire drive to the hospital feels surreal, like this isn’t really happening. Right when I finally felt a spark of hope for my future, is it really being ripped away from me this easily?
“Ev, can you call his parents?” Breaker asks with a heavy sigh.
I can’t help the sob that rips from my chest. It feels like I should be the one making that call, but I don’t know if I could bear the weight of telling his mom everything that happened tonight, knowing it was my fault.
Anything that happens from this point on is my fault.
I hear Ev relaying vague details to Beck’s dad in the background of all the noise in my head, and I feel sick all over again.
This is the kind of news no parent ever wants to hear.
I have to get my mind together. One of us has to be strong here, and it can’t be Beck this time.
We pull up to the hospital only seconds behind the ambulance.
They’re already wheeling him inside, a paramedic straddling his body, performing CPR.
I’ve never felt fear like this is my life, like my world is so close to ending and the choices are all completely out of my hands.
There's shouting, bright lights, the distinct smell of antiseptic, the sound of monitors beeping from all directions. A nurse and a security officer stop us at the doors. All I can hear is the steady beep of the flatline on the monitor attached to Beckett. People are calling out commands. Behind the glass, I see them use the paddles to shock him, and a scream escapes me. He’s dying.
I’m desperate for answers, but everyone is moving so fast. I catch a glimpse of him motionless on the hospital bed, his clothes soaked in blood and eyes closed.
And then he's gone behind double doors, being whisked away to the operating room. I want to tear the doors from their hinges, to rip this building apart to find him and steal him away somewhere that’s only him and I.
But I know they can help him in all the ways I can’t right now.
“I’m sorry, but you’ll all have to wait here.
We’ll do everything we can to help him. Someone will be with you shortly to sort a few things out.
” The nurse, an older woman in pale blue scrubs who looks like this is just another night for her, directs us to a small waiting area.
Looking around the space, I take in the plastic chairs, the vending machines, the water-stained magazines on the table next to us.
One way or another, my life will change in this room tonight.
Someone from admissions approaches us. They ask a dozen questions about his name, insurance information, his health history.
We all answer what we can on autopilot, piecing together the parts of information we’ve each got.
I can’t think about policy numbers and birthdates right now, all I can wonder is if his heart is still beating…
Minutes feel like hours. Hours feel like days.
Time drags on and on like it’s mocking me.
I’ve checked my phone constantly even though everyone I could possibly be waiting to hear from is here.
The doctors have come in a few times to tell us they’re doing all they can and everything is touch and go.
I’m so tired of placations and platitudes.
Their words are dismissive, like we shouldn’t be worried at all, but their expressions are grave.
Even though I know they’re just doing their jobs, their words don’t bring me any comfort.
The TV in the corner plays a sitcom from the 90’s, the laughter coming from the speakers feeling cruelly out of place in such a somber atmosphere.
I’ve tried to pray and hope and beg the universe to spare me the pain of losing him.
We wait. And wait.
Surprisingly, the police never show up here.
Everett gets a message from someone telling him things have been taken care of, and I clear it from my mind.
I don’t have the capacity to worry about that right now without completely breaking down.
Beck’s mom holds my hand on one side while Jaxon clings to me on the other.
I know he feels the weight of blame as much as I do, but he shouldn’t.
He should never have been put in the position he was put in.
Some time during the waiting, Ember and Rory showed up. As much as I love them for being here to support me, I can’t lean on them. I can’t fall apart, or I won’t be able to put myself back together again. But just their presence here is a comfort.
“He’s gonna be okay, Willow. This isn’t the first time the universe has conspired to take my boy from me, but he’s strong.
I know this is so hard right now. Trust me, I feel it too.
But we’re all here for you. You don’t have to go through all of this alone anymore.
” Beck’s mom reassures me, and it’s nice to feel her support.
It does nothing to ease my guilt, though.
“He’s a fighter, I know he is. He’s never given up on me, he won’t start now.” I tell her, trying to convince myself I’m right.
“The family of Beckett Hayes?” A petite nurse calls through the open waiting room door. I’m up and moving across the room before I can even blink, Breaker meeting me halfway and Beck’s parents following closely behind.
“Yes? We’re all family. Can we see him?” I ask, and her face pinches slightly. There’s nearly a dozen of us waiting out here. There’s no way we can all come into a busy ER without getting in the way.
“He’s out of surgery, and they’re moving him to the ICU. I can’t take all of you back, just one for now.” The nurse says, and I nod.
“Okay. Claire, it should be you,” I tell his mom, and she gives me a soft smile.
“Honey, no. It’s not my face he’ll be looking for when he wakes up. We’ll be here, don’t worry. We’ve got Jaxon.” She squeezes my shoulder, and tears sting my eyes. This is what family is supposed to feel like.
“Mom, tell him…please just tell him I’m sorry.” Jaxon says, looking so exhausted.
“Oh, my boy, you have nothing to be sorry for. This was all so far out of your depth, I wish you had never been put in this position. But hopefully this is where we start a new chapter.” I hug him tightly, leaving him in the hands of my friends.