Chapter 26
twenty-six
The nurse leads me through the labyrinth of hospital hallways to the ICU.
I can see Beck lying in bed through the clear glass doors of his room.
There are tubes and wires coming from every angle of his body.
Watching the steady rise and fall of his chest is the one and only thing keeping me from completely collapsing right now.
To see a man I know to be so strong and larger than life in such a vulnerable position makes my heart ache.
But he’s alive. That’s what really matters.
I sit at his bedside, taking his hand in mine.
The unhealed ink there catches my eye, and I spread his hand out on the bed.
He’d had it covered when we were on the way home, but the beautiful lily flower staring back at me is what finally breaks my soul.
Sobs wrack my body as I double over, resting my head against his arm.
My tears fall, soaking his skin, but I can’t hold them back.
I’m finally done running, done pushing him away. I love him just as deeply and completely as he obviously loves me. I don’t want to waste any more of the valuable time we have together avoiding that. A lifetime with him would still not be enough, but I’ll take every second I can get.
“I’m so sorry, Beck. This is my fault. You’re here because of my stupidity, and I’ll spend forever apologizing for that.” I cry, clutching his arm.
“Excuse me,” a knock on the door drags me from my grief. “I’m Doctor Anderson, the surgeon who worked on Mr. Hayes. Are you family?”
“Yes. Thank you so much for saving him, for keeping him here with me.” I say.
“Of course. He’s definitely alive, but he’s not totally out of the woods yet.
We’ve put in a chest tube to help re-inflate his lung.
We’ll need to keep him here for observation for a while to ensure he doesn’t develop any clots.
There will be months of recovery from here.
His abilities will be restricted for several months until he regains his strength.
No lifting anything over five pounds, no flying, he’ll need plenty of rest and rehabilitation.
I’ll set you up with our recovery team, they’ll help teach him several breathing exercises to help him regain the function in the injured lung.
You’ll have to watch him for any concerning symptoms. It’s going to be a long, difficult road.
But his body is young and strong. If he follows our regiments, he should recover very well.
” The doctor leaves several papers with information, and I thank him again and again.
Once we’re alone again, I dissolve into tears. Just when I think I’ve run out of tears to cry, more and more keep coming. I know the doctor said he’ll be okay in the long term, but I came so close to the unthinkable.
I stay this way, listening to the rhythmic sound of Beck’s heart monitor and clinging to his arm for dear life, for hours.
Doctors and nurses come and go, all telling me he looks good and can wake up anytime.
It’s just a waiting game. The sun rises outside, but I can’t leave him.
Claire texted to let me know they were going to head back to Beck’s house with Jaxon so everyone could get some rest.
I feel like there should be more fallout from everything that transpired yesterday.
But I don’t feel any regret for Cooper’s death.
The optimistic part of me truly wanted to believe that over the years since I’d run from him, Cooper had turned over a new leaf.
That would never change the horrible things he’d put me through, but it would’ve been something.
Something better than knowing he was still the vile person I’d left behind.
But knowing he hadn’t changed, only become more sinister, made his death feel less painful somehow.
Maybe that makes me a bad person, especially knowing we have a child together.
A child who will have to live the rest of his life knowing he killed his own father.
The amount of therapy coming in our future is ridiculous, but in some twisted way, this was the best possible outcome.
“Please come back to me, baby. Please. I’m sorry I tried to handle things alone, especially after you told me so many times we would be okay.
I hope you know I was only trying to protect you.
All of you. I’m so sorry, Beck. I promise I’ll never do that again.
It will always be just you and me, forever and ever.
Just come back to me.” I beg, not knowing if he can actually hear me.
Some part of me wants to believe he’s heard everything I’ve said over the last 24 hours.
All my mumbled, desperate pleas for him to be okay.
I’m met with the same silence, the same steady beating of his heart, the same empty feeling in my gut where his light always is.
The next two days follow the same pattern.
By day three, I’m climbing the walls. They moved him out of the ICU and into a regular room, but he hasn’t woken up.
I’m sure I need to deal with Cooper’s death legally in some way.
I know I need to deal with my son’s mental state.
Eventually, I’ll need to eat and shower, but I can’t drag myself away from Beckett’s side.
He would never leave me, even for a moment, if the roles were reversed.
“Knock knock.” Claire’s pleasant voice comes through the door.
“You have to take a break, sweetheart. You haven’t eaten anything that didn’t come from a vending machine in days.
You need to shower and regain some sense of normalcy.
I promise I’ll stay with him. And if something should happen, I’ll call you right away. ”
I know she’s right, but I can’t fathom leaving him. If he were to wake up and I’m not here beside him, I can’t imagine the sense of disappointment he would feel.
“I can’t leave him. He’s a part of me. I’ve seen his soul. Not just the best parts, but the messy, raw, human pieces and he’s all I’ll ever want. I cannot leave him. He would never leave me.” My voice is watery, but they get the point.
“Let me at least go get you something to eat?” John asks, and I nod.
Claire sits down next to me, neither of us saying anything but both feeling the same heaviness. We stay that way, comfortable in the silence for several long minutes before a groaning sound draws a gasp from us both.
“Beck?” I say softly, holding myself back from shaking him awake. I want to hear more, I want his voice, his beautiful words. Reaching out to grip his hand in mine, he gives me a small squeeze.
“Holy fucking shit, thank you, thank you, thank you. I’m here, Beck. I’m right here.” I tell him, squeezing his hand back hard. I push the button to call the nurse into the room. Relief squeezes my bones, every inch of my body relaxing after days on edge.
“Your mom’s here too, honey. You’re gonna be okay.” I say, more to assure myself than him.
“I’m right here, baby. And Dad is just down the hall.
We’re all here, B. Come back to us,” Claire says, her voice wobbly.
Hearing her speak to him the way I speak to my own son nearly breaks me.
As much as I see this man as my future, as a strong protector, she will always see him as her baby boy.
That’s a feeling I can definitely relate to.
“Wiuhhhmmm” a sound leaves his lips, but it’s not very coherent.
“It’s okay. Take your time. The nurse should be here any minute.” I say, pushing the button a few more times. I understand they’re busy, but what the hell is taking so long?
Beck’s dad comes through the door before a single member of the medical staff does and I’m pissed. The man could be bleeding to death in here! Even though he’s out of the ICU, he’s still seriously injured. I throw the door open, poking my head out into the hallway towards the nurse’s station.
“If somebody doesn’t get in here in the next 10 seconds, I’m going to lose my fucking shit!” I scream, and three nurses appear from behind the desk.
“She’s a bulldog, ain't she?” John tells Claire, and I smirk. He’s not wrong.
“How can we help you?” The only nurse willing to confront me asks.
“He’s awake,” I say, taking my place back at his side.
Her eyebrows shoot up, and she busies herself with checking his vitals, turning down the lights before checking his pupils.
She leans over the side of the bed, and jealousy grips me.
Yes, I understand she’s doing her job. Just like I demanded her to do only moments ago.
But she’s too close to him for my comfort.
“Mr. Hayes, can you hear me?” She asks, leaning closer.
“Jesus, do you wanna just climb in his lap?” I mumble under my breath, and Claire snorts out a laugh behind me.
“Sorry.” I say, offering her a half smile. I’m not sorry.
“Don’t be, dear. I know the feeling well.” She says, shooting her husband a smile. He truly could be Beck’s twin, just older.
“Wiuhhhmeee” Beck groans again, and panic floods my system. What if he suffered some kind of brain damage during surgery? It’s okay. I can handle it. I will help him through anything, as long as he’s still here with me.
“Mr. Hayes? Can you open your eyes for me?” The nurse asks.
“Will you…” he takes shallow breaths. The doctor warned me that he would have to regain the function in his lungs. I rub my thumb across the back of his hand, across the tattoo he got in honor of my past life.
“Will…” he says, and happy tears roll down my cheeks.
“I’m right here, baby. I’m right here.” I tell him, and the nurse leans back slightly.
Yeah bitch, he’s taken.
“I’ll go find the doctor,” she says, walking out of the room.
“I can’t…” he winces, taking a deeper breath.
“Take your time. It’s gonna take time, Beck.” I reassure him. I’m just glad he’s forming actual words. I don’t even care what he says.
“Marry me…” he wheezes.
I lied. I absolutely care what he says.
“Well, that sure was clear.” John says, coughing when Claire elbows him in the ribs. They’re both sporting wide smiles, and I feel like I’m stuck in a dream.
He didn’t really just ask me to marry him, did he?
“What?!” I squeak, tears blurring my vision.
“Come on, sweetie. Don’t make him work that hard for it, he’s got a bum lung.” John jokes, and I laugh. Claire smacks his arm, and I find myself seeing what the future holds for Beck and I right here in this room.
“Marry…me…” he says between shallow breaths, and I collapse onto the side of his bed. The relief of hearing his voice coupled with the weight of what he’s asking me is too much for my brain to handle.
“Are you sure you didn’t hit your head, too?” I ask in disbelief, my voice muffled with my face buried in the blankets. He huffs out a laugh, followed by a painful groan, and I wince at his pain.
“I…love…” he wheezes, working hard to catch his breath.
“He loves you, and he’s been in love with you for years.
Being loved by you feels like coming home, and he wants to spend the rest of his life making sure you feel just as deeply seen, safe, and adored as you make others feel.
You and Jax are already his family, but he wants you to be his in every way possible.
Am I close?” John says, and Beck shoots him a finger gun, nodding back at his dad.
“Yep…” he wheezes, and even though this whole proposal is bizarre, it feels oddly reassuring to know other people can see the way he loves me.
“Funny, your dad said something eerily similar when he proposed to me,” Claire says with a knowing smile.
“Well, don’t keep us all waiting in suspense here, sweetheart. Are you gonna marry the boy, or not?” John says, gesturing to his son.
Beckett looks back at me hopefully, as if I would ever say no to him. He’s always been the forever destined to find me. He’s always been the one the universe knew would bring me back to myself.
“Yes,” I breathe, and he relaxes into the bed, nodding back at me.
“Thank god…” he wheezes, and I just laugh.
This isn’t the grand proposal some women spend their lives imagining.
But this is exactly what I wanted. This is all I could’ve ever asked for from this incredible man.
A love that is truly lifelong. Love this strong isn’t fragile.
It may bend, but it doesn’t break easily.
You don’t have to run from it or hide parts of yourself that feel too dark to show to other people.
You never leave, even when it's hard. You stay because it matters.
Claire hugs me tightly, tears streaming down her face. We could fill an ocean with the sheer amount of tears we’ve all cried this week. Without a word, she slides her engagement ring off her finger, holding it out to me.
“Oh, no! I could never-” I say, but she shakes her head back at me.
“It’s always been my wish that my son would find someone worthy of all the love and devotion I’ve poured into this ring over the past several decades. And I’m so glad he’s found that in you. I want you to have this.” She says, and a knot of emotion building in my chest. John nods slowly behind her.
My fingers shake as I take it from her, slipping it onto my own finger.
It’s beautiful, a vintage design with a yellow gold band and a round diamond set at the center.
It’s surrounded by a halo of smaller round diamonds, each meticulously set to form a sunburst. To be honest, I probably would’ve chosen something very similar if I had picked a ring for myself.
“Are you sure?” I ask, clutching my hand to my chest. This is such a special piece of their love story.
“I’m positive,” she says with a wide smile.
I turn to face Beck, and he’s practically glowing with triumph. This was his plan all along, it seems. Maybe not the getting shot in the lung part, but the rest feels like it’s all been by design.
He’s a mastermind, I swear.