Chapter 30 #2
“How many more times will I have to run over everything, even myself, to give her a chance to show she has me in the palm of her hand? And Mom, there are things that simply can’t be forgiven, and insisting is stupidity.
I already did that once, and I can’t, I don’t want to delude myself anymore.
I’m tired of being deceived, and shit, it isn’t because of her.
It’s because of myself, because that’s what it was.
That’s what it always was. I allowed myself to dream, to delude myself with something that wasn’t real. ”
“Too much reason blinds too, Heithor.”
“And what do you suggest I do with the evidence? Cover my eyes and pretend nothing happened, and then we live happily ever after? Put my son at risk again because she was an excellent actress?” I spat aggressively, and then mastered my control by dragging in a harsh breath.
“Even if there weren’t strong evidence, why accuse an innocent person if she didn’t cause the fall?
And let me say this, Antonella wasn’t confused. It was a firm and clear accusation.”
“I don’t know the answer, son… I know you believe because of the evidence, but is that really what happened?
Could your fear have made you interpret it wrong?
I can’t believe that the same girl we all saw overflowing with love for Lucca while he was still in her belly could have done such an atrocity. ”
I stood and moved in the opposite direction from her, planted one hand on my hip, and slid the other through my hair with a nervous motion.
“You think that isn’t what I wanted?” I snarled, my chest swollen with pain.
“Damn it! I wanted to wake up and see that all of this was nothing but a fucking nightmare. I wanted to have been with her and to keep following our plans, but it was a lie.” My throat closed, making me even more pissed off.
“She deceived me, betrayed me, fucked me over again. And worse, I let her play with me again. I knew I shouldn’t trust her. ”
“Did you really trust her? Or was your mistrust from the past too great, and you were just waiting for an opening for it to surface and make you see what you wanted to see?”
“You want to blame someone, Mom? Blame that daughter of a bitch. All of this is her fault for being such a bitch.” I locked my jaw, trying to hold back tears. Furious. Funereal. I was in mourning. “If she were decent, everything would be fine… We would be fine.”
Martha slipped her arm around my waist and touched my face. I stared ahead, my red, blurry eyes lost in nothing when her words broke me apart.
“I don’t like that language, nor when you refer to the girl in such a vulgar, derogatory way. No matter what you think she did, Antonella is the mother of your son and deserves your respect. And she loves you. I know she does, and she suffers for you too.”
“What am I going to do without her? How am I going to take care of Lucca without her? Why did she have to be such a slut to me? She…”
The words died in the tight knot in my throat.
“Son, I…”
“She couldn’t have done this to me, to us. She couldn’t have deceived me this way, Mom. I will never forgive her for this… If… If it had only been me, I could, Mom. I swear I could forgive her. I want to. But I can’t. Not anymore…”
I cried my pain without caring about hiding it or how I looked.
“Caro mio, much time has passed. Maybe now, with the girl here, you can talk and forgive each other. Anger won’t bring anything good to either of you. You love each other, and as long as there is love, it’s worth trying…”
I stepped out of her hold, grabbing my control again. I looked at her hard.
“I won’t oppose her staying here. But you should know this: she will stay away from my son. I won’t allow Antonella to be near him any more than living here permits.”
“She is his mother, Heithor.”
“She should have thought of that before acting like a slut with me.”
“And how will you handle feeding him, Heithor? Have you thought of that? Antonella will want to do that herself. It’s her right. It’s the bond with the child, and Lucca needs that too.”
“It will continue as it has until now. If she doesn’t accept that, we can resort to another method. I’ll pay for a wet nurse if necessary, but she won’t touch Lucca.”
Her eyes widened in shock.
“Money doesn’t solve everything, Heithor.”
“You’d be surprised by the things money can solve,” I said bitterly. “And I’m not only talking about money here. We have a very valid agreement.”
“Antonella has a family, son. And not just any family, you know that. Despite their disagreements, I doubt they would let you take the baby from her without a fight first, one that will affect Lucca. I don’t approve of that either.
Besides, they also have a right to a relationship with the child.
You can’t take that from them, or from Lucca. ”
A sardonic smile curved my lips.
“Don’t misunderstand me, Mom, but the person who decides who does or doesn’t have the right to be around my son is me. And I give none to them. By the way, she herself took away any rights they could have had when she signed the agreement. It’s legal. I’m not breaking any law.”
Horror slid across her expression.
“That’s inhuman, Heithor.”
I narrowed my eyes, my temples throbbing.
“A mother wouldn’t do what she did. That was inhuman.
Unforgivable. And this conversation ends here,” I concluded furiously, heading for the door.
I stopped, looked over my shoulder, and made one caveat before leaving.
“You wanted my permission to bring her here? That’s the only permission I’m granting her. I won’t talk about this again.”
***
I left early for the meeting with my accountant, which would take up a good part of my morning. He could have come to the mansion, but I preferred to meet him at his place so I wouldn’t have to come face-to-face with her.
The funny thing about that was that even though I was hateful toward Antonella and she didn’t deserve a single ounce of my pity, I had still been fool enough to worry about her well-being while she was in the hospital.
I didn’t want to see her, an attitude judged monstrous by my family, but what they didn’t understand was that it had been essential in that moment of uncontained fury, when control was the last of my priorities.
It hadn’t been for me, but for her. And even under that wave of raw violence, there had been space for her, where I found myself with the phone in my hands, keeping up with her recovery and making sure she had the best treatment.
A damn masochist! It was impulsive, even involuntary.
The initial fury had passed, but the rage was there, settled, giving me the chance to think more clearly without losing my mind.
I knew that when I saw her, that storm could rise to the surface, but the awareness that a conversation between her and me had to happen so we wouldn’t have more problems put me in control of my actions, or so I thought.
I was getting into the car to go back to the mansion when my phone rang.
“They’re at the mansion… I’m going there right now… Yes, all right.”
Norah arrived at the mansion right behind me. “Forgive me for the last-minute call,” she said hurriedly when she came up to me by the car. “I need the document before I travel and meet with the employer.”
“You should have kept a copy.”
This was the second time Norah and I had spoken after the episode in my penthouse.
The first time had been an unplanned meeting at Eric’s loft, where the guys and I had gathered for a potential job I wasn’t willing to participate in.
It had been quick and with few words from both sides.
There wasn’t much to say besides apologies on my part.
“You’re right. My mistake.”
“It’s fine.”
“You still have it, don’t you?”
“Yes, it’s in my office.”
Inside the mansion, I froze, my gaze fixed on the scene arranged in the living room.
At first, I had no reaction while I registered the whole scene.
And then the first feeling I had was joy and admiration at seeing her with Lucca so quiet in her arms. Just like the scene I had painted so many times in my head when I still daydreamed like a perfect idiot. Then I went rigid and furious, remembering she herself had undone that image.
All of it happened very fast, blooming at the surface of my skin.
Rigid from head to toe, I made my presence known and ordered Miss Morgan, without taking my eyes off Antonella, “Take Lucca to his room.”
Heads turned toward me, startled. I ignored them.
“Heithor.” I refused the note of censure in Martha’s call, as well as the disobedience of a direct order I had given less than twenty-four hours ago.
“Antonella and I need to talk… alone.”