Chapter 40
When walking through the “valley of shadows,”
remember, a shadow is cast by a light.
Austin O’Malley
Through my blurry eyes, I couldn’t see his reaction to my frantic appearance, nor did I hear anything he might have said.
All I could do in that moment was cry and tremble while anguish devoured me at the possibility of Heithor taking my son far away from me.
The proof was there. The sale of the mansion, the permission for me to breastfeed Lucca when he still believed I was a danger, his hateful proposal, and his calm in the face of the injunction.
It was there, right before my eyes, smoothing things over, and I, like a perfect idiot, hadn’t seen the stab in the back he was preparing to give me.
“Antonella, calm down, please.” Ben touched my elbow, guiding me through the living room. “Come, sit down. I’ll get you some water.”
I shook off his hand, stumbling over my own feet.
“No! I can’t calm down. I don’t want to calm down! I don’t want to sit on anything, and I don’t want any damn water. Did you hear me? Heithor is selling the mansion and is going to disappear with Lucca. I’m going to lose my son!”
“I heard you, but I want you to calm down.”
“Ah, Dio, how did I not see this? And to think that yesterday… How stupid am I? He’s been honoring the agreement this whole time…” I stopped, sucking in air hard, my head spinning and spinning. “Honoring the agreement… Oh my God…”
I had never felt so lost, so displaced from the world, from myself. The feeling was something I couldn’t describe in words.
My heart climbed into my throat.
Ben touched my shoulder and I turned to him, my eyes narrowed with vulnerability. Crying. Unable, I pressed my lips together to contain the loud sobbing, but my shaking shoulders gave away my fragile state.
“I-I can’t… I can’t lose my baby.”
“I know.”
His arms pulled me to his chest, comforting me.
“It isn’t… it isn’t fair that I pay for something I didn’t do.”
“I know, querida.”
“I wasn’t the best person in the world. I made mistakes with Lucca… Some unforgivable, but I regretted them… I love him. I would never hurt him. Never.”
“I know.”
Crying, an act that had once relieved my spirit, this time only simmered my panic over a low flame.
I felt another strong wave coming, and God knew why, I was convinced I wouldn’t withstand it.
Madness would knock on the door, and there would be nothing I could do.
Ben let me go, and as quickly as he had gone, he returned.
“Look at me, Ella,” he asked, lifting my trembling chin.
His face was nothing more than a blur to me.
“I’m going to help you, I promise. Do you trust me?”
“Yes.”
“Take this. You’ll feel better.”
Ben forced a glass of water on me. I didn’t accept it immediately, until he added in a confident tone that filled me with hope: “Calmer, we can talk and find a solution. You’re not going to lose your baby. I swear it.”
He went out to the kitchen with the glass.
My gaze moved over the space. Emptiness was all I had.
Minutes later, my eyes betrayed me, giving me the feeling that the walls were closing in on me. It only made my panic leap to the edge.
Standing still inflated my sense of helplessness.
I needed to move.
To do what?
I didn’t know. I just needed to move.
“Ben, I…” I paused, feeling my senses fail. Suddenly my body was too heavy for my legs, and my eyelids were too tired.
Ben slid to my side.
Despair dug its claws into me, but I was half numb. I tried to grab on to Ben when I took a step and my legs faltered.
“Just relax and don’t fight it.” His sad whisper echoed at the back of my mind. I felt my body being lifted. I fought to keep my eyes open. “Everything will be okay…”
***
My eyelashes fluttered when consciousness slowly pulled me back. My mouth was dry, and I was a little groggy too. With effort, I managed to keep my eyes open. As I sat up in bed, I tried to place myself in the partially dark room. My chest began to shrink as reality cleared around me.
From the corner of my eyes, I spotted Ben sitting in a chair in the corner of the room. Keeping watch. “You drugged me!” I accused, disbelieving and very angry.
Ben moved with his head down.
“You needed to calm down, Antonella,” he said, sitting beside me on the bed. His hand tried to touch me. I moved away to the opposite side.
“What time is it?”
Under my hard stare, Ben sighed and lowered his hand.
“Nine-thirty at night.” And he explained himself right after. “You were very upset. You wouldn’t have listened to anything I said, and I couldn’t let you leave like that. I only gave you a mild sedative so you could relax a little.”
“Well, I have news for you. I’m not upset, I’m desperate! And you had no right to drug me, fuck!”
I jumped out of bed, a not very wise movement on my part. I could still feel traces of the sedative, and my not very solid legs made me stumble a few steps back before I steadied myself on my feet.
Ben stood and tried to approach. I lifted my hands, stopping him.
“I’m sorry, Antonella, but it was necessary.”
“Necessary? No, Ben. Necessary is having my son with me. I came here believing you could help me, but if you can’t or won’t, I’m leaving and I’m going to… I’m going to do anything I can.”
In truth, I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t even have an idea what or where to start. I only felt the need to do something. Ben had been my only hope, but I realized too late that I couldn’t count on him either.
It was only me and me.
Disturbed, mainly by his stupidity that had taken too much of my time, I circled his figure and hurried my steps to the door.
Ben’s level voice pierced my despair when I touched the handle.
“You really love that baby, don’t you?”
Without letting go of the door, I looked at him, offended by his insult.
“Are you really asking me that? That baby is my son, you idiot. He’s a part of me, my life. Of course I love him. But you won’t understand what that is until you have your own, and even then I highly doubt you could understand the insane agony I feel right now.”
I shook my head, seeing him lost in himself, and opened the door to leave. I couldn’t afford to give up time I didn’t have to receive more insults.
“I’m sorry. Forgive me, Antonella. I didn’t mean to say you don’t love the baby. I know you do. It’s just…” He moved, placing his palm flat against the door. “Stay, please. I can help you. I want to help you.”
I let go of the door, my eyes flooding again. “Don’t deceive me… Don’t lie to me,” I pleaded, desperately wishing he really could help me.
Ben closed the door and faced me, a hint of shame I didn’t understand shining in his gaze, though he was sure of his words.
“I can get a small plane to take you wherever you want. I have contacts who owe me favors. I can even get you a safe place if you don’t know where to go. A place where Castellammare will never find you.”
Run away? It was absurd, but my only option.
But long term?
“I don’t want to hide forever and live on the run, Ben. I’m not a criminal. I didn’t do anything wrong. I have the right to live my life in peace with my son.” I swallowed the knot in my throat and added with words I thought I wouldn’t say so soon, especially now. “I want to go home.”
I had no idea whether my family could offer the safety Lucca and I needed, especially Rocco. Still, even unsure of how I would be received, they were my family, and I needed to believe in their protection.
“If you plan to go with your baby without Castellammare’s agreement, you know your family will be the first place he’ll look for you, right?”
“It doesn’t matter. I want to go back. There I’ll feel safer,” I answered, hiding my real intention. No one needed to know I wouldn’t stay with them, not even Ben.
“All right. If you change your mind…”
“I won’t. I’ve been away too long. I never thought this would be how I returned… I…”
So many important dreams and goals were falling off the cliff, and although I was willing to give up even my right to come and go in order to be with my son, it was hard and very painful to give up dreams I had planned for so long.
One thing for another.
Uncle Sam’s America was no longer the golden path full of possibilities I had imagined when I arrived here, believing there would be more flowers than thorns.
I needed my home. I needed to feel at home.
“Okay.” He slapped his hands on his thighs and stood. “I suggest you get in touch with someone in your family and bring them up to speed. You can use the phone here. I’m going to make some calls and take a quick shower in the meantime.”
“My parents don’t know… no one knows.”
Ben stopped on his way to the hallway.
“Ella, you could have had their help. I know your family’s financial situation is as good as Castellammare’s, or even better.”
“I know… I can’t leave the country without Heithor’s authorization.”
“We won’t do this the legal way.”
At that point in the game, I didn’t care about using shady means to ensure my son was with me. What bothered me was the injustice, having to act like a criminal when I had every legal right to Lucca.
I hated the role of victim, but I hated Heithor more for forcing me into that role.
Still, I was clinging to anything.
Ben would help me, but I didn’t feel any less desperate.
The anguished feeling was still there, only settled, and I fought to keep it that way.
And when Ben returned, I was one thread away from losing the battle raging inside me.
His answers to the calls he had made came to me like balm.
Not only that, the way he spoke so practically and seemed so efficient, making everything sound so easy and safe, made me breathe in relief and confidence.
“…You can fly to Italy tomorrow or even today, if you want. Now, can you get the baby out of the mansion without anyone noticing?”
“I don’t know, Ben, but I’ll find a way… Tomorrow. I’ll go tomorrow.”