Chapter 16
. . .
Silas
Vesper spent the whole night sleeping on my chest, and I stayed awake the entire time, just so I could soak in every second.
Dark hair contrasts perfectly with my skin, and each time she moves, it tickles, reminding me that she’s actually here and we absolutely went at it until her body collapsed beneath me.
I’ve never been into fairytales, but I could get on board with having this princess wake up next to me every morning. Even her soft breaths do something to me as they fan over my body.
My feelings have always been oceans deep for Vesper, but this morning, I’m in no doubt over how in love I am.
How nauseatingly dependent I am on having her in my life—but not as just a friend.
I need her to be my girl, the woman I can genuinely call mine—and not just because some overbearing guy in a cocktail bar decided to hit on her when she didn’t want him to.
In a couple of hours, I need to head to practice, and for the first time in my life, I’m searching for potential reasons to skip it and stay exactly where I am. I don’t know what Vesper has planned today, but I want it to be with me.
I could make her breakfast and then drive us somewhere remote so we can make out for hours in my truck.
No interruptions.
No risk of an asshole ex-boyfriend seeing us together.
Just me and her, for as long as we want.
“What time is it?” Vesper’s sleepy voice penetrates my daydream as she stretches out like a kitten beneath the bedsheets.
I roll us so I’m hovering over her body. Mainly because I like her beneath me, but also so she can’t escape in case she freaks out and tries to make a dash for it.
There isn’t a flicker of discomfort or doubt in her bright eyes as she gazes up at me, though. Only happiness that makes my chest squeeze.
“Just past seven a.m.”
She bites down on her bottom lip, and suddenly, I’m thinking that I misread her a moment ago.
“What’s wrong?”
Vesper begins chewing on the pad of her thumb, and I pull her hand away, threading our fingers together.
“Talk to me,” I plead, chest contracting for an entirely different reason than before.
She shakes her head. “Last night was so amazing, and I’m afraid I’m about to ruin it all and you’re going to be really mad at me.”
I rear back. “You never need to worry about my reaction to anything you say or do. I’m not that kind of guy.”
Offering me a muted smile, she cups my face in her palm. It feels like she’s trembling.
“Don’t be afraid, Ves. Ever.”
Closing her eyes, she swallows hard. “I need to swing by a drugstore.”
It takes me all of three seconds to connect the dots.
Shit.
“Fuck, baby.” I drop my head onto her chest. “I didn’t stop to ask if I needed to wear a condom.” Guilt grips me. “I was so caught up in the moment that I lost my fucking mind and—”
She pulls my head up and looks me straight in the eyes. “We both got carried away. Using protection is as much my responsibility as it is yours.”
Vesper’s right, but it still doesn’t make me feel any better. When all is said and done, she is the one who has to put chemicals in her body this morning, not me.
“I got myself tested after the last time with Kane.”
As much as I appreciate her honesty, I always knew she would never put me at risk. Just like I would never do that to her.
“The team doctor tests us on a regular basis, and last night …” Fuck, I’m actually going to say this. “Last night was the first time in a long while for me.”
Her brows knit together. “How long, Silas?”
It’s my turn to swallow hard. I’m not ready to admit that my obsession with this girl runs so deep that I refuse to be with any other person than her.
So many times, I’ve tried with other women—talked to them in bars, danced with them on nights out. It didn’t matter what hair or eye color they had because when I looked at them, all I could see was Vesper.
“Let me take you to the pharmacy and buy you Plan B. It’s the least I can do.”
“Aren’t you worried that we’ll be seen together?”
I don’t have a decent answer to her question, but at least she dropped the previous one.
“Ves”—I look her dead in the eyes—“I’m not allowing you to climb out of my bed, get dressed, and head out to buy emergency contraception because of my actions. That’s not how shit works with me. That’s not how I treat my girl.”
Just like in the cocktail bar that night, Vesper doesn’t challenge my reference to her as “my girl,” and for the briefest second, anxiety gives way to happiness.
She hesitates for a beat, closing her eyes as she whispers, “Okay. Let me take a shower, and then we’ll head out.”
Twenty minutes later, Vesper steps out of my en suite bathroom, a black towel wrapped around her head in one of those knots women seem to be experts at creating and another wrapped around her body.
She pulls the towel from her hair, and I step up behind her, wrapping my arms around her waist.
“My shampoo smells way better on you than it does on me.”
She tips her chin over one shoulder, and I think about kissing her. I really want to, but now doesn’t seem like the right time. I can sense her unease, and I pray she isn’t regretting everything about last night.
Personally, I wouldn’t take a single second back, not even the part where we both lost our inhibitions and I came inside her. There isn’t another woman in this universe I want.
I slide my hands to her waist and turn Vesper around in my arms.
Without an inch of makeup, she looks more vulnerable than ever.
“Can I tell you something?” I speak low, almost whispering.
Innocent eyes stare up at me. “Anything.”
She feels so tiny, my handspan covering the width of her hips.
“I want to be open with you, Ves. I feel like there’s something eating at you, and I don’t want you to feel like you’re the only one whose mind is spinning out this morning.”
She tips her head to one side, waiting for me to elaborate.
“I don’t know if I was the first guy you slept with without a condom, but you were the first girl for me. The only girl I have ever been so wrapped up in that I forgot to ask about contraception.”
Like we’re both thinking the same thing, Vesper drops her eyes, and we both look at her stomach.
Could she be pregnant with my baby?
A soft, almost-defeated sigh fills the space between us, and I hook a finger under her chin, bringing her attention back to my eyes.
“Kane … he refused to wear condoms every single time we were together. He viewed birth control as the woman’s responsibility.
Pills, injections, patches—they all made me feel like crap.
And when I tried an IUD, I got an infection.
” She sighs again, only harder this time.
“So, after I slept with Kane for the final time, I thought, You know what? Fuck it. I’m coming off birth control because the next man I sleep with will wear a damn condom, or he’s coming nowhere near my vagina. ”
I love that she decided to make choices for herself, although it doesn’t prevent the heartache tearing through me.
Who the fuck does Kane think he is?
He’s no brother of mine—that’s for damn sure.
Vesper frowns. “I’m disappointed in myself, Si. I should’ve taken control, and instead, I got carried away in the moment.”
She drops her head down, and I pull her into my body, resting my chin atop her head. She really does smell so good. Like home.
“I’ve taken more Plan Bs than I can count, each time because I freaked out that I could be carrying Kane’s child.
” Her eyes shine when she pulls her head back up.
“Do you know how hard that is for a woman? To want a family so badly, but to be too scared to start one with your own boyfriend because you’ll be tied to him forever and so will the baby?
So, instead, I did what it took to make sure I wasn’t pregnant and dealt with the migraines those damn fucking pills gave me every time I took them. ”
Closing my eyes, I lean down and rest my forehead against Vesper’s.
“I know you’re nothing like Kane, and believe me when I say, I have zero regrets over last night. It just feels like history is repeating itself this morning.”
There’s so much I want to tell her. Like I’m not afraid to have a baby with her because she is the only future I can see.
“Are you hungry?” I eventually ask, pissed at myself for backing out of what I really wanted to say.
My subconscious takes over, and I rest a palm on Vesper’s stomach, locking eyes with her for the longest time. “I made fresh coffee and strawberry waffles while you were in the shower, if you’re interested?”
After a beat, she smiles, and, damn, if that doesn’t make my whole fucking day.
Vesper’s happiness is my utopia. Until more recently, I don’t think I even knew how hard I always tried to make her laugh, despite the way Kane drained the life out of her.
“Waffles actually sound really good.”
Because I can’t fucking help it, I brush my lips over hers, desperate to convey what I’m struggling to verbalize.
“If you’ve ever considered what it would be like to be with me,” I softly breathe into her mouth, “I want you to know everything would be easy. Every choice would be yours. And when it comes to your body, the only demand I’ll ever make is my need to worship it on the regular.”
I watch the way Vesper’s shoulders relax, knots of tension unraveling beneath my touch.
“You’re a really special person, Silas. Truly one in a million.”