Chapter 42
I think you’re gorgeous just the way you are.
Those words from a couple of days ago kept playing in her head.
Especially right now as she stared into the mirror at her cheek.
It looked . . . terrible.
A small sob escaped her and she wanted to look away but she forced herself to stare at herself. The stitching on her cheek had mostly dissolved, leaving a bright red scar against her pale skin. It was shocking.
Why had she thought it wouldn’t look this bad? Of course it would. She’d had a knife slashed through her cheek.
Devi could feel her breath coming faster.
These panic attacks had become an almost daily occurrence in the nine days since she’d been hurt.
At least she’d kept the last few from Hayes. That was an accomplishment considering he was pretty much always here. But he’d left to pick up some packages. Probably more stuff for her.
As soon as he left, she’d gotten up to look at her cheek.
He’s not going to be happy.
Well, she wasn’t happy.
Her cheek looked awful. She looked awful. Why wasn’t she feeling any better?
She’d only been here four nights and it just . . . it didn’t feel right. She loved the cabin. It felt so safe and cozy. Like something out of a dream.
Yet she couldn’t get past the feeling that any time now Hayes was going to realize she was more trouble than she was worth and tell her to leave.
The last thing she wanted to do was be a burden. He’d spent all of his time taking care of her. And that couldn’t continue on. It wasn’t fair to him. Or feasible financially.
Yet, what was she going to do when he went back to work? How long did she get to stay here?
How long until everything fell apart?
Feeling her airways tighten, she sat on the floor and leaned back against the bathroom wall, ignoring the pain that shot through her arm. She’d overworked it this morning doing exercises while Hayes took a shower.
Leighton wouldn’t be happy if he found out. Her new physical therapist was a good-looking guy.
Hayes hadn’t been happy that he was her physical therapist, but he seemed like he was good at his job.
She leaned her head forward as black dots started darting in her vision.
Breathe in. One. Two. Hold. One. Two. Out. One. Two.
She could hear his voice in her head. Steady and reassuring. But for some reason she just couldn’t get her panic under control.
Come on, calm down.
If he comes back and finds you, he won’t ever leave you on your own again.
In. Out. Hold. In. Out. Hold.
The room started spinning. She was going to pass out.
Suddenly, she could sense him. Then he was in front of her. She opened her eyes, staring up at him, but it was like she was in a bubble where nothing could reach her. She could see his lips moving, but she had no clue what he was saying.
To her shock, he lifted her, putting her on his lap, and holding her tight. And it was like that bubble popped and everything came rushing back to her.
“Come on, baby. Listen to me. Can you hear me?” he asked frantically.
She nodded. She could hear him.
“Fuck. Thank fuck.” He placed his hand on her chest. “You have to take a breath. I need you to listen. Follow my breaths.” Grabbing her good hand, he placed it on his chest. “Breathe in.” He took in a breath and she felt it against her hand. She followed him.
“Now out. And again. Nope, you’re going to obey me. Listen to Daddy. In. Good. Hold. Now out. That’s it. You’re being a good girl for Daddy. Take that breath in again. Hold. Now out. That’s it. Good girl. That’s my good fucking girl.”
Yep. That was her.
His good fucking girl.
Only, when she gathered herself enough to turn and look up into his face, she could see him scowling down at her.
Uh oh.
Now, she got the feeling she was in a world of trouble.
“Am I in trouble?” she asked in a small voice.
“Oh yes.”
“Why? For having a panic attack?”
If anything, his scowl increased. “You know you would never be in trouble for having a panic attack. What did you promise me when I left?”
“Um.”
“Devi,” he warned.
“That I wouldn’t leave the sofa.”
“And where are you?”
“In the bathroom,” she grumbled. “But I get to pee, right? You don’t want me to pee my pants, do you?”
“Only if you’re in diapers.”
“Hayes!” she protested. “I’m not wearing diapers.”
“Seems you might need to if I want you to stay where I put you. Were there any in that Little gift basket the girls put together for you?”
“No!” The basket had been amazing. It had a gorgeous buttery yellow blanket and a small soft squirrel that could be attached to a bag or keys.
Some kids coloring books and colored pens.
Lots of candy. And a pair of joke panties with cardboard in the bottom of them to protect her butt from a spanking along with some numbing cream.
Hayes hadn’t thought that was as funny as she had.
“Can you honestly tell me that is the reason you came into the bathroom? Because you needed to pee?” He turned her in his arms so she was facing him, her legs on either side of his lap.
She swallowed heavily as he stared at her cheek. Her hand raised to flutter over it nervously. “I had to see! I know it looks terrible. Surely it will get better with time, though, right? It won’t always look this bad? I won’t always look this awful?”
“Right. That’s it. I’ve warned you about putting yourself down several times. You’re spending some more time in the corner.”
In a show of strength, he managed to stand with her in his arms.
“I don’t want to go into the corner!” Corner time was so boring.
“You’re spending time in the corner. You really need a spanking, but I would feel like an asshole if I spanked you after having a panic attack.
So, corner time. No, wait. That doesn’t feel right after a panic attack.
I need to make you feel secure.” He paused in the living room then moved to the sofa and sat with her on his lap.
“Silent time on my lap with my arms around you.”
This was kind of . . . bizarre. He faced her away from him on his lap and held her tight against him. That chocolate and cinnamon scent surrounded her.
“What are we doing?”
“You are having silent time. Only I don’t want to leave you on your own in the corner after having a panic attack.”
“Why?”
“Because I don’t want you to get upset again.”
Oh, man. That was so sweet. But not exactly what she was asking.
“No, I mean, why am I being punished?” That’s what this was meant to be, right? It didn’t quite feel like punishment.
“You said bad things about your appearance, little girl,” he told her. “And that is not acceptable. Nothing about you is awful.”
“I saw my cheek, Hayes. You can’t tell me that it’s not terrible.”
He turned her in his lap so she straddled his legs with hers and then he grasped hold of her chin.
“I ever hear you call yourself awful or hideous or anything like that again and you’re going over my lap every night for a spanking until I get tired of spanking you. Hear me?”
Wow. Okay.
He seemed . . . really serious about that.
“But Hayes?”
“No, but Hayes! You are beautiful, inside and out. A cut or scar doesn’t change that. But tomorrow we’re also making an appointment with a plastic surgeon. Not because I feel that you need it, but because you do.”
“I can’t afford that.”
“Are you trying to make me mad?” he said in a low voice.
“No! Of course not! How would that make you mad? It’s just the truth. I can’t afford anything! I don’t even have a job.”
And if she had any money, it would go to paying him back for the hospital bill or to pay for the transport for her exhibition.
Michelle had canceled it, anyway.
“I will cover that.”
“But that’s not fair. You’re already doing so much. I’m living here for free and you’re paying for my physical therapy. I can’t . . . I can’t ask you to pay for anything else.”
“Well, good thing you don’t have to ask. I’m telling you. We’re contacting one and I’m paying for it. And I don’t give a fuck about fair.”
“I do! It’s . . . you can’t do all of this when we’re not . . . we’re not even together.”
His eyes widened. “We’re not together?”
“No.”
“Are you living in my house?”
“Well, yes, but that’s because you feel obliged to keep me safe.”
“Obliged to keep you safe.”
“Yes.”
“So I’d do it for just anyone?”
She eyed him. He was going red. She’d never seen him look quite this . . . upset. And she couldn’t imagine him doing this for just anyone.
“Well, no, not for just anyone,” she said.
“Am I taking care of you? Feeding you? Bathing you? Are you my Little girl?”
“Well, yes, and that’s all very kind?”
“Kind?” he yelled. “Kind?”
“I don’t understand why you’re getting so?”
“Do you sleep in my bed?” he cut her off.
She could feel herself going bright red. “Yes, but that’s because you’ve only got one bed and you won’t let me sleep on the sofa.”
“Damn fucking right you won’t be sleeping on the sofa!
My woman doesn’t sleep on a fucking sofa!
She doesn’t stay anywhere else but under my fucking roof, whether she’s in danger or not.
She eats the food I provide for her, under the roof I provide for her, in my fucking bed.
And she has everything she fucking wants because I give it to her because she’s my fucking woman. ”
He was rambling. Hayes never rambled. And she could barely keep up with what he was saying.
“Oh, and I am not fucking kind!” he added.
“Yes, you are,” she said, feeling tears well. This was all too much for her to take. “You’re the kindest, sweetest man I’ve ever met.”
“You want a spanking, you only have to ask for one, you know.”
“I don’t want a spanking! I want you to make sense.”
“Yeah? How about this, then? I love you, Devi Dawson. Once you’re no longer in danger, you are going nowhere. Once you’re feeling better, you are going nowhere. Because you belong to me. You. Are. Mine.”
She should probably protest his possessive statement. But belonging to him was her biggest wish come true. It was something she’d never thought would happen.
“You love me? How is that possible?” she whispered in wonder.