16. WINTER
WINTER
I feelhim next to me before I even open my eyes, and I know it’s not Grayson with me anymore. Mason’s scent and his mere presence has always been so large and all-consuming that it always takes over the entire atmosphere whenever he’s near me.
Idon’t move, I just lay there completely still in his arms, even though I can tell he’s still asleep from the way he’s breathing. I haven’t spoken to him in two days and I’ve barely even looked in his direction. As much as I wanted to, I couldn’t because I’m still conflicted about our relationship. I know I said it’s over between us but…
I still love him.
Ithink I’ll always love him.
Butright now, my head is just one big, jumbled mess and my emotions are all over the place. I can’t stop reliving every heartache and pain filled moment I’ve suffered through along with all the misery I’ve had to endure. Misery that he played a part in and I don’t know how to, or if I even could get over any of it.
Ijust need some space from him, but the asshole is not making it easy. He’s just constantly there. Always fucking there, hovering when I don’t want him to.
Icontinue to lay there for another moment and scan the room in its entirety. I look at the flowers I left on the table. In the last two days he’s brought me distinct kinds of wildflowers that he no doubt picked himself. He also brought some little handwritten notes that I’ve yet to read. I’m just not ready to go there and read what’s in them.
Ihave to admit though that this is harder than I thought it would be. Why couldn’t I be just as heartless as he was?
Ilet out a sigh, as I turn around so that I’m facing him. There’s a furrow in his brow like something is bothering him, even in sleep. I gently trace the crease without thinking and he throws his arm around my waist before pulling me closer into him. Green eyes stare into mine as we’re now flush against each other. He bends his head to my hair, inhaling deeply and then exhaling slowly.
“You shouldn’t be in here,” are the first words out of my mouth.
“You smell so intoxicating. God! I’ve fucking missed you baby. Please don’t send me away, I can’t live without you,” he groans in his husky morning voice. The one that always does funny things to my insides. I feel a shiver run down my body as he uses his hand to trail light touches along my arm and down to my hip and thigh.
Isqueeze my thighs together, as I try to remind myself that I don’t really want to be with him anymore. At least I’m not supposed to. With that thought firmly lodged in my head, I quickly pull away from him a bit.
“I can’t, we can’t…” I tell him. “I don’t want this anymore.”
“Baby please stop saying that. You’re fucking killing me every time you say that.”
“Get out!” I snap at him before getting out of the bed and rushing for the bathroom. A second later, I hear his feet land on the hardwood floor with a thud, as he follows behind me. AndI’m not quick enough to get in and slam the door in his face. He grabs me around the waist and pushes me up against the wall right outside the bathroom door.
Myback hits the wall with a soft thud, the impact not hard enough to hurt. He moves to stand in front of me, both hands on my hip with enough distance between us that I don’t feel crowded or caged in.
“What do I need to do to show you how fucking sorry I am for everything I’ve said and done to you? What do you want from me?”
“Nothing. Absolutely nothing.”
“Please. I’ll do whatever it takes. Not being next to you or with you is slowly killing me…”
“So, you keep saying but you’re not dead. You look pretty fine to me.” I growl angrily at him.
“Is that what you want? Do you want me to die? Say the word and I’ll fucking kill myself for you right here and right now,” he says in a voice that sounds so sad and hurt it causes an ache to form in my chest. As much as I may hurt for him, I can’t forgive him so easily for what he did.
“Of course, I don’t want you to kill yourself. AllI want is for you to leave me alone and move on with your life. You weren’t dying when I had to walk in on that bitch riding your dick, after I was in the hospital from being drugged, I might add. You weren’t fucking dying when you were bullying and tormenting me, were you? And you certainly weren’t fucking dying when you were threatening to ruin me! Well guess what? I’m fucking ruined now, so move the fuck on with someone else. And a word of advice, don’t be an asshole to her!” I scream at him as a wave of anger just consumes me and I start to hit and pound him on the chest over and over again.
WhenI finally stop hitting him, I’m heaving at the exertion it took to put all my power into those hits. Especially, when I’m not all that healed yet, while he just stood there and took it all without even flinching.
“There is no one else for me and there’s never going to be anyone else either. You’re it for me,” he says staring down at me with so much intensity, as I stare up at him, not able to control the emotions I feel bubbling up inside me. I fucking hate that I can’t control them and after being held captive I feel like it’s so much worse now.
I hate being the crying and blubbering idiot that I’ve turned into. I hate being so fucking weak.
Ijust wish I couldn’t feel anything at all anymore. A moment later he gets down onto his knees before me, which completely surprises me. Wrapping his arms around my middle, he rests his head on my stomach and just stays there for a minute.
“I’m so fucking sorry baby. You’ll never know how much I hate myself for everything I did to you and everything I let happen to you. I’m so fucking sorry you had to see me in a position like that when I promised you forever. It was right after I thought you were cheating on me and I know that’s no excuse. I’m not trying to excuse my behavior; I know I was wrong on every single level there is. I’m so fucking sorry for the bullying and every hurtful thing I ever said and did to you. But please don’t fucking leave me, I need you in my life. Please just tell me what you need me to do so that you can forgive me. I’m begging you,” he says, his face still pressed into my stomach and that’s when I feel the wetness on my shirt.
Justthen he lifts his face to look up at me and I see there are tears running down his face. He’s crying…
Idon’t think I’ve ever seen him cry and it’s breaking my heart all over again but also, there were so many times when he made me cry and he reveled in it. He didn’t care about how I felt and that shit still hurts right now.
Ishould be more focused on what happened to me but somehow all I can focus on is him and what he put me through. Fucked in the head? Yeah, I’m beginning to think so.
“Please just give me some space. I-I can’t do any of this right now,” I sob and plead with him. He pulls away and sits back on his knees, giving me some space, as he wipes his tears away and nods his head at me.
Itake the opportunity to slip past him and into the bathroom. I lock the door behind me, just to make sure that he doesn’t come in and I head straight into the shower and turn the water on, still in my clothes and all.
I’mheaving at the pain in my chest. My back hits the shower wall and when it feels like my legs can no longer support me, I slide down finally letting the sobs that were threatening to escape rack my body.
Ihope the water will drown out the sounds because I can’t go another round with him right now. Why does it all have to be this complicated? I honestly don’t even want to live anymore, if this is what my days are going to be like.
I’mjust… tired.
So, fucking tired.