17. WINTER
WINTER
WhenI finally made itout of the shower after my meltdown yesterday, Mason had already left the room. WhichI was thankful for since I didn’t want to get into another confrontation with him.
Heended up giving me the space I asked for, but I have no doubt that won’t last very long. Now it’s a new day and I have no idea how this one will go. It’s still early so I don’t hear anyone moving around yet.
Theonly reason I’m up this early is because I was pretty much awake all night. It’s so fucking hard to get any sleep right now because I’m stuck with these stupid nightmares. There is no peace for me these days. Actually, I haven’t felt a moment’s peace in a very long time.
Iget dressed and leave my room for the first time alone, to somewhere that isn’t the medical room. I head to what is the outdoor deck at the back of the cabin. Though it’s not like a regular one since it’s enclosed with what I’m pretty sure is bulletproof glass.
WhenI step out onto the deck, the heat instantly warms me, as I move toward the hanging day bed that’s here. I sit back and instantly let out a little sigh because the cushions are super soft and comfy. I throw a blanket over my legs before pulling my knees up and wrapping my arms around them. I get lost inside my head while staring toward the trees at the back of the property.
Ifeel so drained, like there is no more life left inside me. I don’t want to do this anymore. It’s a nuisance to constantly have this many thoughts running through my head. I still feel so raw inside from everything, at how life truly sucks. The endless fighting with Mason isn’t helping much either.
AndI can’t help but fight with him, since I’m still so angry. It feels like every emotion inside me is fighting for dominance, fighting to be let out, just so they can explode all over again. Is this what it feels like to slowly lose your mind? Because at this point, I feel like I may belong in a psych ward or asylum.
Theurge to hurt myself or hurt everyone around me with my pain, anger and words is so overwhelming. It feels like a living breathing thing inside me and all I want to do is get rid of it all. ButI also don’t want to be weak and let all that has happened control me. I’m having such a fucking tough time…
Outwardlyeverything is fine. According to the doctor when he came to check on me. Well, minus the cuts and bruises that are starting to heal now. But mentally, he said I’d need some help there. The asshole is the one who actually suggested I admit myself to a psych ward as soon as possible so I could work on my issues with some help.
Imean he’s right, but that’s not what I want. Actually, I have no fucking clue what I want, to be honest. AllI know is that I don’t want anyone poking and prodding inside my head. But if I did go through with it though, I can already imagine how the paparazzi would descend on me, like the vultures they are. But that’s what you have to deal with when you’re a part of one of the premier families in Ravenwood.
Iwish someone would torture the doc’s ass, then he can come back and tell me how it feels and how much he’d be so eager for someone to go poking around inside his fucking head. I take a deep breath when I feel my heart begin to race from thinking about the things I don’t really want to. I try to calm myself down since I don’t want to risk having another seizure attack. One while I was with Antonio was enough.
Ithink about how much of a bitch I’ve been being and let out a sigh. I know I have no right to be, when we’re at one of my brother’s cabins allowing me to be safe, while I heal. I’m sure he and Grayson are fed up with me because one minute I like them both and the next, not so much.
Blessthem for putting up with my mood swings. Though the one person who I’ve been truly clashing with, is obviously Mason. He wants to be there for me and with me while I navigate through whatever this is, regardless of my not wanting him here. At least that’s what I’ve been telling myself…
Inever wanted any of them to see me like this, not after being beaten and raped but they’re just always here. Not one of the three of them wants to leave my side. I don’t want them to leave but I also want them to, if that makes any fucking sense at all. I know I can’t change any of their minds so I guess I’ll just have to put up with it…
Ihear the door that leads out onto the deck open, but I don’t bother turning around to see who it is. A moment later my brother’s body fills my vision, as he gets onto the daybed with me. He steals some of my blanket and then pulls me into him. He throws his arm around my shoulders and I rest my head in the crook of his arm, against his chest.
“Hey squirt, what are you doing up so early?” he asks as he places a kiss on the top of my head.
Isnuggle into him a little more, loving how it feels safe being next to him. Having him here pushes all my wayward thoughts away and I just enjoy his company, even if only for a little while. Who knew I’d love having a brother?
“I couldn’t sleep.”
“Do you want me to call the doc for you?”
“No. He’s an asshole!”
“Why? What did he say to you? Or did he do something?” he asks, with a slight panic in his voice.
“No. Relax. It’s just…” I let out a sigh. “I know what he’s saying is valid but I just don’t know what to do.”
“What did he tell you?”
“ThatI should start seeing a therapist. I know it makes the most sense but I’m just not ready for someone else to know about what happened to me, you know?”
“Want to talk about it?”
“Not really, no. ButI appreciate everything you’ve done and are still doing for me. I’m sorry you had to kill people for me and get your hands bloody.”
“You’re my sister. Of course, I’d do anything for you. I want you to be okay. I want you to get better. Don’t worry about it, this wasn’t the first time I’ve had to kill people and it won’t be the last. I maybe shouldn’t be admitting this, but I enjoyed offing those fuckers, since they messed with my baby sis.”
“Love you, Hunt.”
“Love you too sis. There are some things—” he starts but then cuts himself off. “At some point in the not-so-distant future just remember that you love me, alright?”
“Of course, I’ll still love you in the future. But what do you—” I start but get cut off by the door opening again. I already know it’s him. It’s always him. Guess he’s done leaving me alone after one whole ass day.
“Just leave it for now,” Hunter says as he kisses my head again and then gets off the daybed before heading back into the cabin. Leaving me alone out here with Mason and the tray in his hands.
“How are you feeling?”
“I’m fine.”
Helooks like he’s about to say something but stops himself, as he takes a seat on the daybed next to me before speaking again. “I brought you breakfast.”
“I’m not really hungry,” I tell him as he sets down the tray between us. I see there’s a bowl of oatmeal and fruit along with a glass of juice.
“Don’t start babe. You’re going to eat it and I don’t care if I have to force feed it to you through a feeding tube.”
“Guess you’re back to being an unbearable asshole, huh? And who the fuck died and made you the boss of me?” I snap at him. Fucking hell, it only takes him an instant to make me mad, it would seem.
“I’m not trying to be an asshole babe. ButI’m your man and I need to take care of you and make sure you’re healing. And you can’t start that process by starving yourself.”
“Are you forgetting the part where I said I don’t want to be with you anymore? So that means you’re relieved of whatever duty you think you have to me. And who said I wanted to heal? What if I just want to die and be over with all this shit? You’re fucking assuming I want the things that you want for me, but you couldn’t be further from the truth.”
“I’m not going to let you die baby. I know you’ve been through a lot and you have every right to be as angry as you are but that doesn’t mean you have to go on some sort of hunger strike. You can eat and still be mad at me,” he says calmly and patiently and it just makes me imagine smashing his face in with a hammer or something equally brutal. “I know you’re probably imagining killing me in many different ways inside your head right now, but you’re still going to eat this food.”
“Fuck off and leave me alone you fuckface asshole cunt!” I snap.
“Quite the potty mouth you’ve got there babe, don’t you? Maybe you need my cock inside your mouth to use as a pacifier so you won’t have any room to spew any more of that shit?” he asks with a smirk on his face. This motherfucking asshole!
“Fancy getting your dick bitten off, do you?” I ask in the sweetest voice I can muster.
“You wouldn’t. You like my cock inside your pussy too much baby,” he winks. I wonder if Hunter would give me one of his guns to shoot Mason with, just so I can save myself the aggravation of dealing with his dumbass any longer.
“Get the fuck out now!” I scream at him.
“No.”
“What the fuck do you mean no?”
“Exactly what the fuck I just said! If you don’t start eating in the next second, I’ll assume you want to guzzle my cum down instead, since it’s filled with protein, before I pump your pussy full of cock, since you keep acting up,” he growls.
“Wha—” I splutter and then cut myself off because I don’t know what to say to that really and then I go with “I fucking dare you!”
Hemoves to put the tray down on the table next to the daybed before he stands up, his hands going for his buckle as though he really is going to take his pants off. Normally just seeing him naked would get me in the mood but right now I’m just too pissed to even want to drool over his fine as fuck body.
“Fine! I’ll fucking eat it!”
“Oh good. That’s all I wanted baby,” he says with a smile on his face like I’m not currently shooting daggers at him. He gets back on the day bed and grabs the bowl from the table. I move to take it from him to eat this shit but he moves it out of reach. “Nope. I’m going to feed you.”
“What the fuck is this?” I grumble out in a groan. “I can eat it by myself. I’m not a child!”
“I’m taking care of what’s mine. I know you’re not a child but you’re always going to be my baby.”
“I’m not yours anymore,” I say automatically.
“You belong to me and you always will. Now and forever until the day one of us dies,” he says and a snort slips out of me at that.
“I haven’t been yours in a longtime buddy,” I say with a hint of sadness coating my words. And just like that I deflate, feeling drained once again and now I just want to get this over with already so he can go back and do whatever it is he’s doing here. “Are you going to feed me or just stare at me?”
Helooks at me like he wants to say something but he just shakes his head like he’s dispelling some thought. He then brings the spoon with oatmeal and a blueberry on it to my mouth. I open and quietly take it, chewing and swallowing. I really don’t feel like eating, but I don’t want to hear him bitch anymore.
We’requiet as he feeds me the stupid thing and when it’s all done, he hands me the glass of juice to drink. I take it without fuss and gulp it down. He stands a moment later with the bowl and glass in his hands, then he bends down and places a kiss on my forehead, before straightening to his full height again.
“I’ve seen you in your worst time, hell some of it was actually because of me, to which I am so fucking sorry for. ButI’ve loved you then and I’ll always love you. In your sad times and when you’re in your happy times where you belong, I’ll love you then as well. It’s forever for us baby,”
“I don’t want you to love me anymore. I want you to move on or something,”
“I’ll try to give you some space but there is no moving on because I can’t…”
“ButI—” I start, but he cuts me off.
“I can’t. In fact, I won’t give you up, ever,” he says, before walking off and leaving me by myself again.