18. WINTER
WINTER
I’m lyingon the couch, just staring out the floor to ceiling windows after I came back to my room earlier. I’m not fit for company right now and if I stick around my brother, Grayson, and MasonI’m likely to kill one of them.
Theyare so fucking annoying, one of them is always around me, when all I want to do is wallow in the self-pity, I’m currently stuck with. I want to get out of this funk, I really do but my brain doesn’t want to cooperate with me. A knock on the door pulls me out of my musings.
“Come in!” I yell, loud enough so whichever one of them is out there will hear me. I sit up and look toward the door, not surprised to see it’s Mason when he steps into my room.
“Your doctor’s here to see you.”
“What? Why? What doctor? I’m fine and didn’t ask for one.”
“We thought it was best to have a therapist come see you here to get started on working with you before we get back home so?—”
“Who’s we?” I ask, cutting him off.
“Hunter and I. Grayson also agreed this was best, so don’t go playing favorites,” he murmurs. I close my eyes to calm myself before I actually strangle the lot of them.
“Well, the three of you can go shove it. I don’t need a doctor!” I snap at him.
“Can you please just stop fighting me at every corner and every minute? I’m trying to do what’s best for you and your mental health. You need someone to help you through this. You might think you don’t, but you do and Hunter and I are not equipped to help you with this.”
“I don’t need you to do what’s best for me. Don’t you understand that I especially don’t need you anymore? No matter how you try to help me, this changes nothing between us, Mase. You’re still the asshole I hate.”
“You don’t hate me. Not really. You just think you have to because of everything we’ve had to go through. Do you remember when I took your virginity and I told you that you’d always be mine?”
“That was a long time ago, but I do. I also remember you saying that if anyone else ever touched me, you’d make my life a living hell. Archie faked it because your father paid him to fuck with us and you made me feel worthless, to the point that I tried to kill myself because of it. Antonio actually fucked me, so why are you still here?” I question. He moves across the room to kneel down in front of me and then pulls me into him, with his face against my chest and arms around my waist.
“We… no, not we, just me. I was stupid and I should have had more common sense. I should have spoken to you first, before jumping to conclusions. ButI swear to God, I will make my so-called father pay for everything he’s done and everything he’s put us through when we get back home. As for Antonio, like I said before none of that was your fault and I’m going to kill him for what he’s done. None of them are going to get away without paying for their sins. As for us, I know everything between us has changed. Too much has happened for it not to. I know you’re not done fighting me but I’ll keep taking it, until I can’t anymore,” he says, looking up at me with sad eyes and a vulnerable expression on his face.
“Why do you have to keep making things so difficult for me? I just need to be away from you for a while,” I sob out.
“I’m not trying to. I just… I love you so fucking much. Please forgive me baby! I’m begging you! I’m here on my knees in front of you, begging you to give us another chance. I swear I won’t fuck it up ever again. I’ve been trying my hardest to set everything right. I’ve even been working behind the scenes to protect you when we get home. Nothing will ever happen to you again. I’ll keep apologizing everyday if I have to.”
“If you want a chance at me forgiving you, then you’re going to have to give me the space I’m asking you for. I can’t work through my shit with you here constantly.”
“I-I can’t leave you alone.”
“Why?”
“Truthfully?”
“Obviously.”
“I’m scared, okay? I’m scared that if I give you time away from me, you’ll leave me for good and I can’t let that happen. You’re my entire world and I can’t imagine being in it, without you by my side.”
“I—”
“It’s okay, don”t say anything right now. Just talk to the doc for a while and see what happens.”
“IfI wanted some shrink to look into my fucked-up head, I would have asked for one.”
“Bottling it up won’t help at all.”
“Who said I’m bottling anything up?”
“You’re forgetting that I know you very well babe.”
“You don’t know me. Not anymore…”
“Well, if you won’t see her then you’ll just have to spend the rest of the day with me. We can cuddle, watch some TV and we can even?—”
“Fine! Fucking send her in already then,” I grumble, cutting him off.
“That’s all I wanted. Just talk to her for a little while and then we can talk more about us later.”
“I don’t want to talk about us again, at least not anytime soon. It’s just too much…”
“Fine. We’ll talk whenever you’re ready,” he says and I just nod my head. He finally gets up from his knees and then bends down and places a kiss on my head before leaving. I let out a sigh as I lay back down.
Thetalk we just had has left me even more emotionally drained than I was before. It feels like we keep going through the same thing over and over again, which is basically me not wanting him here anymore and him saying he’s not going to leave my side.
Ican’t even ask my brother to kick his ass out, well I don’t really want to. I’m confused. I’ve seen the weird bromance or whatever, that they have going on and I feel like they’d throw a tantrum or something, if I tried to separate them. Just then there’s another knock on the door.
“It’s open, just come on in,” I say, knowing it’s the doctor.
“Hi, I’m doctor Bennett,” an older woman says as she comes into view with her hand outstretched for a handshake. I ignore it and she takes a seat on the couch across from mine. “Well, I’ll just take a seat here then.”
Whatdo you know, the couches in this room are set up pretty much like how you’d find in a therapist’s office. Ugh! I’m going to kill my brother since this is no doubt his doing. This room is the size of a suite, it’s actually a pretty huge cabin too.
“What can I do for you, Doc?” I ask, while staring up at the ceiling.
“Well, I’m pretty sure I’m here to see what I can do for you,” she says in a gentle and understanding voice.
“You’re wasting your time, Doc. I don’t know why my brother told you to come here. I don’t need any help.”
“Is your brother Mason?”
“Definitely not!” I snort. “Mason… that’s… I don’t know… it’s kind of complicated,”
“Well, he’s the one who asked for me to be here. He said he needed the best and well here I am,”
“So what? You’re like the best therapist money can buy? Cause he has a lot of it, just so you know. You can probably get a couple thousand more out of him.”
“Not quite what I meant. I guess I should say I’m the best in my field,” she says, correcting me.
“If you say so, Doc.”
“So do you want to tell me a little bit about how you’re feeling?”
“Not really.”
“And why is that?”
“BecauseI don’t have anything to talk about.”
“You’ve been through a lot and I’m pretty sure it was very traumatic. I’m sure what happened to you is never far from the forefront of your mind and the only way to start your healing process is by talking about it. I’m sure there are things you want to say, anger you want to let out. Something, anything?”
“Don’t want to talk about it, doc.”
“Okay how about talking about something else? What’s the story with all the flowers in the room and the notes in that big jar?” she asks and I let out a sigh before answering.
“They’re from Mason. He leaves them every day along with the notes,”
“That’s quite the arrangement you have here,” she smiles.
“I don’t know why he even bothers. I don’t even know where the fuck he gets roses from, when we’re in the middle of fucking nowhere,” I grumble.
“Looks like he has something to make up for and he wants you to know he’s sorry. What about the notes? Do you think he’s sorry?”
“I don’t know, Doc. I haven’t read any of them. Is he paying you to plead his case for him or something?”
“Absolutely not. This may be a house call and he may be paying me, but I’m not doing anything I wouldn’t normally be doing when I’m talking to someone. I have my integrity above everything else and anything we discuss or just chat about will only be between the two of us. Mason nor your brother will hear a word of what is said between us.”
“Well, thanks for that doc. I guess.”
“Let me ask you this, why haven’t you read any of his notes?”
“I-I don’t know. I guess I’m not ready yet. There’s just so much between us right now and I’m not sure if I can get past it.”
“Do you want to talk about your relationship with him? Maybe it will be the start to mending your relationship with each other, so you can start to heal. I’ll be here to help guide you along so you can work through everything,” she tells me.
“What if I’m too fucked up to heal doc? What if I have nothing left to heal? Why is everyone so fucking insistent that I heal, when I’m not even sure that’s what I want? They keep harping on me to speak to someone, speak to someone like something is fucking wrong with me!” I scream at her.
“Nothing is wrong with you. Absolutely nothing. I think they just want what’s best for you and they don’t want to see anything else happen to you,” she says just as the three of them rush into my room, probably from hearing me scream.
“What’s wrong? Is everything okay baby?” Mason asks.
“You three need to stop fucking pushing me! I’m not ready for this! I don’t want to talk to anyone. Nothing is wrong with me!”
“We know that sis. There’s nothing wrong with you at all. I just don’t want this to keep fucking with your head because I know it has been. I notice every time you lie when you say you’re fine but you’re really not. I just want what’s best for you,” Hunter says, walking over to me and kneeling on the floor in front of me, since I’m sitting up now.
“I know what’s best for me.”
“I know sis. I’m not trying to say you don’t. I just… I just don’t want you to hurt anymore,” he says kissing my forehead.
“I don’t want you to hurt anymore either. I want you to be happy again,” Mason says, coming to kneel on the floor next to me as well. “I want you to get through this and live your days like you have no care in the world for the rest of your life.”
“I-I need time. From you, from the doc and from everything else.”
Isee Grayson walk the doc out and I let out the breath that I didn’t even know I was holding.
“Leave. I’ve got her,” Mason tells Hunter. They stare at each other for a moment before my brother nods his head.
“Don’t fuck this up or I’ll kill you,” Hunter says, slapping him on the shoulder before standing to his feet.
“You love me too much to kill me now,” Mason says and I roll my eyes at their idiocy.
Hunterleaves and closes the door behind him and Mason lifts me up in his arms and walks us over to my bed. He gently places me on the bed before getting in next to me. I go to argue but decide against it because I’m tired and he’ll just do what he wants anyway. He pulls me into his arms and cuddles me. I go to speak but he just shushes me.
“Shhh. Relax. I’m just going to hold you.”
“Fine.” I should be fighting and screaming, I shouldn’t let him touch me but honestly, I’m just too tired to fight. Too exhausted to do anything really.
“You’re so beautiful,” he whispers as he rubs my back up and down in a soft and gentle motion. “I promise I’ll make it all up to you. One day, you’re going to forgive me.”
Igo to answer but he shushes me again. The oddest thing happens in the next instant. He starts singing to me, softly. I have no idea when I fall asleep but I eventually do, to the soft timbre of his voice flowing to me.