8. Gray
EIGHT
GRAY
I left work early and went to Holden's place. We were brothers and friends, and if anyone could see my blind spots, it would be him.
"Hey, what's up?" Holden asked because my pain, I knew, was written on my face.
"Bonnie around?" I didn't want to deal with my sister-in-law, who was a bitch, and then some on a good day.
"Nah. She's out. Girl's night."
"Excellent. I need a good drink."
We went into his den, the one place in his home where Bonnie left Holden alone to watch football and drink himself into a stupor.
I sat on a leather chair and thanked Holden when he gave me two fingers of scotch. He sat across from me.
"What's got your knickers in a twist, brother?"
"Rose left me." The words came out as a whimper.
"When?"
"A couple of weeks ago."
Holden nodded as if not surprised. "I guess…congratulations?"
"What the fuck, Holden?"
He looked at me, confused. "I…well, it seemed like that's sort of what you've been wantin'."
"What?" I felt like I was living a life that I didn't know about, at least, one that others saw very differently than I did.
"I mean if you asked for a divorce you'd have to pay some serious alimony, but if she left, we know she walks away with nothing," Holden explained as if it was that simple.
"I don't want a divorce. I love my wife."
Holden raised both his eyebrows. "Well, buddy, if you love your wife, why the hell have you been bangin' your secretary?"
I downed some whiskey and set my glass down. My life was a clusterfuck. That's what it was.
"Why would you think I was sleepin' with Aimee?"
Holden chuckled. "Come on, Gray, you're with her all the time. People see you in restaurants. You travel with her. Even at parties, you're with Aimee and Rose sits in a corner with everyone looking at her as the first wife who's soon going to be replaced."
I tried to remember those parties. Had I really been that much of a jackass to Rose?
If everyone saw it, she must have felt it too.
How much had that hurt my sweet wife? My kind wife—the one who never said a bad word about anyone, not even my mother, who humiliated her every chance she got.
I’d felt guilty for not protecting her, which was why I finally agreed to move out of my parents’ house.
But the truth? I just didn’t want the drama with my mother.
I expected Rose to deal with her, and she did.
After the first two chaotic years of our marriage, Rose had become exactly the kind of wife I needed.
She ran the house, was always there when I needed her, fucked me when I wanted, and handled my family so they wouldn’t come complaining to me about her.
Fucking hell! I was a selfish prick. It was all about what she did for me. When was the last time I did anything for her?
"Does everyone assume I'm fuckin' my assistant and ready to divorce my wife?"
Holden sighed. "I don’t know what to say, Gray.
It’s been obvious for years now—you’re just not interested in your wife.
At family dinners, it’s always you and the twins on one side, while Rose sits quietly on the other.
I used to feel sorry for her and tried talking to her, but Bonnie would go on a jealous rant, so I stopped. "
"Why is Bonnie jealous of Rose?" This was all very confusing.
Holden scoffed and then shook his head in disbelief. "You know your wife is fucking gorgeous, right?"
"Yeah." Rose was a classic beauty. Sometimes, I couldn't look away from her face.
"And while Bonnie is on a diet daily, your wife is effortlessly slender and elegant. She's sweet, kind, and easy to talk to. I mean, fuck, I wish I had a wife like that instead…." He sighed. "Well, you know what I have."
I did. Bonnie was a special kind of fucked up.
Basically, what my brother was saying was that I had an amazing wife, who I'd been ignoring to the point that everyone, including friends and family, thought I wanted to get rid of her.
I downed the whiskey and poured some more for myself.
"Your kids talk down to her, and you never stop it. Especially Jude. This Thanksgiving, I had to ask him to cut it out, but you know, Jude, he just shrugged it off."
How was it that my brother was my wife's knight in shining armor? The same man who'd called her a gold digger to her face when she'd showed up pregnant.
"What did Jude say?"
"Just some crap about how she wouldn't understand something because she didn't have a college degree. It was humiliating, and Rose looked like she was going to cry."
Cry?
"Where the fuck was I?"
Yeah, where the fuck have you been, Gray, for the whole hell of your marriage?
"You were talking to Willow, but this stuff happened in front of you all the time, Gray.
You can't tell me you didn't notice." When he looked at the pain in my eyes, he was surprised.
"You're seriously telling me you didn't see how your kids would shut her down every time she tried to speak?
I mean, Willow ignores her, which I started to think was a blessing because Jude can be vicious. "
"Why the hell didn't you say something?" I demanded, flustered as hell.
"Why would I when it was happening in front of you?
" he countered. "What the fuck, Gray? I thought you were trying to get rid of her.
I didn't like your methods, but I have my own marital problems with a wife who cuts my balls off every five minutes, so I'm not equipped to help out with your marriage. "
I had no one to blame, I realized. I'd taken my wife for granted, and my kids emulated my behavior and also took her for granted.
"It used to not be like that." Holden continued, "Well, you were always working and being short with her, but at least I think she was happy when the kids were little."
"She's a great mom."
"Considering the shitshow I have with Bonnie, I used to be jealous of how good you had it. Hell, even my kids liked hanging out with Rose, which was why Bonnie didn't let them. But then the twins became teenagers, and they changed. They're different with you. They respect you."
"They respect Rose," I bit out.
"No, Gray, they don't, and don't bite my head off; but it's cause you don't."
"I do respect her," I snapped. But even I could hear my voice from the past in my head.
"For God's sake, Rose, I'm working. Can you just handle whatever it is? Someone needs to have a job in this family."
This was when she needed help with my mother.
"Are you serious about not having dinner ready, Rose? I told you a week ago we were having people over. How could you forget?"
This was when I ambushed her and didn't apologize for it, even after I realized I gave her three hours to set dinner up for ten people because Aimee had forgotten to call her about it.
"This is important, so please try to make nice with these people."
What I was saying was, don't embarrass me. But she never did, so why was I being such an asshole to her? It had become a habit to say these things to Rose without thinking about what it did to her.
But when I was with her, she made it safe and loving; she made my world a haven of love and warmth.
"I need you tonight, babe," I'd say after ignoring her for a week.
"My darling, Gray, I love you."
She always opened her arms for me and loved me the way I'd never thought was possible, the way I had never seen any other man experience.
I used to feel proud that my wife was so devoted.
My friends used to tell me how jealous they were.
Now, I wondered how much pity they looked at Rose with.
The wife at home smiled and cared while her husband was apparently banging his blonde bombshell of an assistant.
Nothing was further from the truth.
I loved having sex with Rose. She was uninhibited, and we tried pretty much everything.
I remembered how afraid she'd been to try anal, but she let me because I wanted it.
I'd hurt her even though I'd made every effort not to.
I asked if we should never do it again, but she said she wanted to try again and again and again—until it took me a while to realize she didn't enjoy it and did it for me.
But she still let me, so once in a while, I gave in to my need.
"You can say no to me, Rose," I told her.
"I know. But I don't want to. Everything we do, honey, is wonderful because we do it together. It's us in our own world."
Did she think I’d be angry if she didn’t submit to me? No, that wasn’t it. She did it because this was the time she had me all to herself.
"I can't believe after so many years of marriage, sex is still so amazing with you." I was still catching my breath after another fabulous round of lovemaking. She lay atop me, having ridden me to a mind-blowing release.
"I love making love with you. It's the time when we're just us. And it's precious."
"It's always just us, Rose. The kids have left home," I joked.
"Well, you get busy with work, so this is nice."
"Speaking of which, I'm going to be gone until the end of the week to New York. We have a big project there."
"Ah…do you want me to come with you?"
I set her aside and sat up. "It's not a holiday, Rose. I'm going to be working, and we'll probably have business dinners."
"Okay."
"Come on, Rose, don't be like that. You'll just be in the way. I'm working. You'll be all alone, so why not be alone here rather than in a hotel in New York?"
"I know, honey. It was just a thought. Don't worry about it.
" She left the bed naked and went into the bathroom.
I heard the shower start. A part of me wanted to go in and start round two with her.
I could never get enough of her. But I didn't. I didn't want to guilty about that look of defeat on her face when I told her she'd be in my way.
Fucking hell! How did a smart man like me not hear her pleas for more of me? How could I not see that she was begging me to pay attention to her? She was asking her husband to see her.
"Where did she go?" Holden asked.