Chapter Seven
The mirror is unforgiving, reminding me of what happened last night. All the broken promises come to life. I hate him, yet he made me feel like I never have before. He let me do what I wanted, let me take from him.
Then he had to go and spoil it, again. Why did he let me do that to him? He was a virgin, and I took it too far. His first time shouldn’t have been so rough.
“Katherine?” His voice is soft and I hate myself.
“I’m in the bathroom.” I say back to him. I woke up ten minutes ago, and I’ve been staring at the bitch in the mirror the whole time. The jagged scar on my chest, the new formed bruises on my neck and shoulders from. He gave as good as he got, twisting me up inside. A virgin.
He walks into the bathroom, his hair falling out of his bun and braid, falling around his face and shoulders. I watch him as he steps up behind me, bending over to kiss my neck, “I need to shower before I go home.” He whispers into my ear. Even the presence of him here is confusing me. His arms wrap around me and I feel the connection, the one we shouldn’t be having. Even if last night was unlike anything else I’ve ever felt.
“Okay.” I say looking into his dark eyes through the mirror.
He places a soft kiss against my cheek and turns away towards the shower, flicking it on. I pretend to not watch him, just in case he’s looking, but I can’t help it. My eyes skate up his body, the perfectly toned ass. Fuck, I’m in trouble. This is just the beginning of something I’ll come to regret. He leaves for Yale in a couple months and I planned on being at the opposite side of the country. It could never work, yet I find myself wanting more.
I pull the ponytail holders out of what’s left of my space buns, scratching my scalp moaning as it feels so good. Usually I don’t sleep with my hair up, since it causes breakage and shit, but last night wore me the fuck out and I slept better than I have in months with his arms wrapped around me.
“Join me Kitty.” He holds a hand out for me and I take it. He helps me into the shower, which is apparently at the perfect temperature and I just stand under the waterfall of water beating down my back.
Looking up at him I let out a sigh, “You should have told me you were a virgin.” I say, running my finger up his abs, until my hand settles on his shoulder.
“Why?”
“Because I wouldn’t have gone so hard for your first time.” I try to keep any emotions out of this conversation, I can’t catch feelings. Keep him at arms length.
“I enjoyed it. Did you get what you needed?” He asks as his hands find my breasts, kneading them perfectly. Damn him.
“Yes.” My eyes fall shut under the water as I just feel his hands, touching me. Damn him.
“Then, there’s nothing for you to be worried about.” When his lips touch my cheek I nearly fall into his arms. “Lets get you clean Kitty, then we’ll figure out what we’re doing today, or I’ll go home, whatever you need. I never want you to feel like you have to do something with me.”
Damn him.
I seem to be saying that in my head a lot, shit. “Let’s shower and see how that goes first.” I reply as he leans over grabbing my shampoo.
“Turn around.” He says, squeezing some into his hand. I do as he says and when I tell you that it’s orgasmic to have someone else wash your hair, I fucking mean it.
In my head there are a few things that live rent free. One, I’m worthless. Two, no one will ever love me because something is wrong with me. Three, I’m broken, unfixable and lost. I’ve got a black heart, waiting to rip through the seams of someone like him. The only thing I can offer him is misery, heartbreak, and disaster.
I’ll let today play out, let him think I’m something I’m not, but when the sun goes down, so will everything about us.
When the shower is over and we’re both clean from the night before, we dry off and get dressed. I throw on an oversized ripped up shirt and he just slips his shorts back on. “So what’s the plan, West? We cuddle and talk about our feelings?” I bounce onto my bed, looking around the mess I made, my shit is everywhere and I have today to get it cleaned up before my mother gets back.
“I want to take you somewhere.” He says, “put pants on, sneakers and grab a backpack for snacks. I’ll be back in ten minutes.”
“You want to leave the house?” I ask, raising an eyebrow at him.
“Yes.” He leans over grabbing the rest of his clothes and shoes, then steps towards me, dropping them right next to my leg. Before I realize what’s happening, his lips are on mine. Kissing me deeply I breathe him in, letting it happen as I try not to overthink this. “Be ready.” He commands as he takes his shit and leaves through the door instead of the window.
Falling back onto the bed, I groan, staring up at the stupid pink stars my mom hung years ago. They hang down as if its some sort of fucking prom night decorating committee came in here and barfed all their ideas on my ceiling.
Be ready. What does that even mean? What happens if I’m not ready, hell, I’m half tempted to just lay here to see if he even shows back up.
Be ready, means fucking nothing. Its been a half hour and he hasnt come back. He got what he wanted. What all men want.
Connections my ass. They want pussy. I popped his ‘cherry’ and hell move on. Possibly making my life a nightmare in the process, fucking boys. I shouldve known. Stupid girl. Sex equals self harm. But there was something about how he acted that made me think he actually changed. Like he actually cared.
I should have known better. Fool me once, shame on you. But there won’t be a fool me twice. Not this time, and never again. I just have to get through this week, then we graduate and I can get the fuck out of here.
Pushing up off my bed I make my way to the closet, letting my fingers dance across my black clothes. I strip the t-shirt off, tossing it to the little shelf under my hanging shirts. I grab a button down white shirt and put it on, the black sweater vest goes on over the shirt. The clothes are long enough to look like a dress, so I grab my Demonia Bear boots and put them on. The black leather harness goes over my vest and I’m dressed for the day.
It’s the Saturday before Graduation, and I officially have no plans. So, I think it’s time I head out to get myself some coffee and do some research on where I want to go exactly.
I go into my bathroom, brush my teeth, make-up on my face and my hair on point in the large space buns. Studying myself, I see her staring at me. Disappointment radiating off me, she’s fallen for the trap again. Letting out a long breath I nod and leave, grabbing my cross-body bag as I head out of my room. When I go down the stairs I like to do little bounces, mostly because I want to see if I fall. The masochist in me dares me to do things sometimes.
I’m a total black cat, vibing my way through until I can get where I want to be. I’m not sure what I was thinking, sleeping with West and his golden retriever self, although, I totally didn’t expect him to ghost me. I mean, I expected something especially after he told me I was his first and then him washing me in the shower. I definitely felt like there could have been something real. But it was just my insecurities latching on to the guy while he was nice to me. Letting me have what I wanted.
I open my front door to find him standing there. “I’m so sorry. Mom wouldn’t let me leave without breakfast. She had a hundred questions as to why I didn’t come back home last night.”
Studying him, I realize that he’s dressed up. A nice pink collared shirt, a pair of tan slack and black sneakers. He wears a lot of pink. His hair is braided again and pulled up into a bun at the back of his head. There’s a simple gold chain around his neck and an expensive watch on his wrist. Then I notice the black roses. “What did you tell her?”
“I told her I stayed over here. Crashed after you needed help with something.” He hands me the roses and when I take them, I can’t help but smile. “I figured you’d want the black ones.” Bringing them to my nose I smell them. A dozen black roses, where did he even find these?
“Where’d you get these?” I ask, pulling them away from my face.
“From my garden.” My eyes widen at his seriousness at having a garden.
“Why do you have black roses in your garden?” I ask curiously.
“They’re Black Baccara Roses to be specific, but I have them in case I ever needed them.” He’s so nonchalant in his answer that it only makes me more curious. “Okay, we’re already behind on schedule, so let’s go.”
“Can we stop for coffee? That’s where I was headed when I thought you weren’t coming.” I say, stepping out of the house, shutting and locking the door behind me. My roses are in my left hand as he holds a hand out for me to take.
“Of course.” He says, lacing his fingers in mine. He leads me to his car and opens the passenger side for me. I’m not sure how I feel about all of this, his niceness is off putting. Like, people don’t act like this. Chivalry is absolutely dead, yet here I am witnessing it. Strange.
When he gets into the car, we drive off as if everything has changed. Has it? Did I just accept his invitation to be his girlfriend? Guys don’t buy flowers anymore. They send them in emoji form via text with a lame attempt of hitting on you.
“Are you a Dunkin or Starbucks kind of girl?” He asks.
“Ew, neither. 7Brew for me please.”
“Did not see that coming.” He laughs, slowing down for the stoplight.
“If I’m just doing a drive through I go to 7Brew, a large iced blondie, three times sweet and easy ice. However, if Im sitting down to use my laptop in peace, like I had planned when I thought you ditched me, I would go to the cafe down the road.”
“What do you get from there?” He asks, turning right at the red.
“I like just a basic french vanilla latte. It always tastes the same.”
“Yes, but it’s not nearly as sweet as a three times sweet blondie.”
“Oh, I add sugar to it, mix it all up.” I make a humming sound as the idea of having any coffee right now is just what I need.
“Gotcha.” He lets out a small laugh.
“How do you drink your coffee?” I ask, playing with the stems of the roses, noticing there’s no thorns. “Did you cut the thorns off?”
“I did. I also like my coffee sweet and milky.” He replies. “But, I’m a caramel guy.”
“Didn’t see that coming.” Throw his words back at him, which causes us both to laugh. “So whats the plan for the day?”
“You do a few things with me, and tonight, I’ll go with you to the party.”
“You don’t want to go to Max’s parties. There’s always drugs there, and everyone eventually takes something.” I look out through my window as we jump on the highway, making our way to the city.
“Well, are you going?” He asks. There’s a bite to his tone, almost like he’s about to be pissed at my answer.
“Yes, I always go to his parties.”
“And the last time you went Knox-”
“I’m well aware of what Knox did, thank you very much. I just don’t think you’d have fun there. You’re just so-” I bite my tongue to keep from insulting him.
“So what, Katherine? Nerdy, in the out crowd, unable to hold my own?”
“No, you’re too pure to be around all of us.” I hang my head down, ashamed to admit that I shouldn’t even be with him in this car now. I’ll burn his light out, bringing him down. “Maybe this is a terrible idea, we shouldn’t be hanging out. Last night was a mistake.” We’re going seventy-five down the highway, and suddenly, we’re swerving off, hitting the wake up bumps, and he’s stopping. On the side of the highway. He flicks the car in park and hits the hazard lights. “What the actual fuck West, we can get hit out here.”
“You’re already half dead, barely living your life and constantly insulting yourself. I see you Katherine. The way you watch others around you, how you feel the words people say. How much it hurts you when someone doesn’t accept or notice you. How you pine for your own parents attention. I’ve spent years wanting to help you, only to find myself doing the exact same fucking thing your mother does. I’ve made your life hell.” He smacks his steering wheel, forcing me to flinch. “I will not sit here and let you belittle what happened last night. It may have meant something completely different to you, but it still meant something.”
“Westley.” I breathe his name when I look up to see tear filled eyes.
“I’ve hated myself for so long for treating you the way I did, I’ve loved you longer than I’ve hated myself and to watch you just throw yourself at Knox or to get a call saying that you’ve been drugged.” He starts breathing heavily. “I wanted to kill Knox when I saw him on top of you, your head lulled to the side, completely unaware of what was even happening. And you want to go back tonight. Alone.”
“My life is fucked up West, I’m fucked up. There’s something that broke inside of me the night I was arrested. I haven’t been able to find her again. She’s gone, all that’s left is this. The girl who feels dirty, uses sex as a tool of self harm. I cut and rip my clothes and dress this way because this is how I feel on the inside. Blackened, broken, ripped, torn, used, and abused.”
I throw the stupid black roses at him and unbuckle my seat and jump out of the car. Fuck him. Fuck all of them. Watching the highway traffic I see a semi coming, shifting over to the further lane, I could step out and end it all. All of the pain, the disgust in myself gone in the blink of an eye.
“Katherine, get back in the fucking car!” West jumps out of the car, but I just close my eyes and feel the wind of the speeding cars and trucks. My arms out wide welcoming the thrill of the danger. My mind teeters on the edge as I move from one foot to the other, would it be painful? Would my last moments of this god damned life be as painful as living it up to this point? I heard once that people who jump to their death immediately regret it as soon as their feet leave the podium but how the fuck would anyone know that? It’s no different than jumping in front of a car, or truck, or off the side of a bridge. It all ends no matter the way, its the reason that drives people to the brink of death, and it can’t get any worse than it is now.
I’m jerked backwards and I laugh, my entire body feeling electric at the possibility of death being so close. “Have you lost your damn mind?” He shouts as I continue to laugh, I feel his heart racing against my back, but I’m as calm and cool as a cucumber.
I just breathe, my laughter settling as I keep my eyes closed. The rush of all the cars driving by, the sound of their engines giving me a distorted feeling of peace.
“Get in the car.” He commands, lifting me off the ground as he carries me to the passenger door. I chuckle this time, as he opens the door and tosses me down to the seat. He races over to his door and jumps in. “You’re fucking insane.” He’s breathing heavily, and I can see that he’s panicking a little.
“That was fun!” I state, buckling back in so he can continue driving. “Let’s go.” I clap my hands twice and look at him. He’s just staring at me, not even touching the wheel as he wipes his palms on his pants.
“Why would you do that?” He asks, blinking at me.
“I told you, I’m not the same spoiled little girl you grew up with. Something is not right up here anymore.” I press two fingers to my temple, like someone signaling a gun to the head.
“Fucking hell, Kitty. I thought you were going to make me watch you die.” He puts his hands on the wheel, but he doesn’t get ready to drive. Instead I watch as his hands shake, each time he releases his whitening knuckles from it. He continues to grip and let go of the wheel, several times.
“You’re already watching me die, one second at a time, Westley. I’m slowly moving towards my grave, one day it will happen.”
“There’s no reason to jump both feet into the coffin so soon.” He lets out a shaky breath as he reaches over buckling himself in. “Now, if you don’t mind, I’d like to take you to a couple places, without you dying.”
“No promises, we could wreck on the way there and,” I snap my fingers. “I’m gone like yesterday’s trash.”
“That’s not something to joke about. Think happy thoughts Kitty Kat, like where are we going? Get excited about living.” He says, flipping his blinker on. I watch him with careful eyes, he looks back to watch the traffic and pulls out onto the highway, hitting the speed limit quickly.
Happy thoughts?
Like what, rainbows and butterflies? Butterflies live for like two weeks, although some species live longer if they hibernate during winter. Yes, I’ve googled that before. I like googling useless information.
The only thing I find joy in anymore is drawing. My journals are hidden, no one knows that I draw, it’s the one thing I have to myself. My secrets aren’t even mine, Knox knows them, he created them. I’m just living the life I know how to live, floating through space on a rock until my time comes to an end. Others will continue to live. There will always be darkness and secrets that belittle and break people like me. I lean up to his radio, turning it onto Bluetooth and pull my phone out to link them together. I’m not sure how long the drive is, and sitting in silence after all of that isn’t really my style. Music feeds the soul, so maybe he can hear how I feel inside, by listening to the music I connect with.