Broken

Chapter Eleven

Graduation Day. It should be a happy day. But it’s not. Its the end of our childhood, thrusting us into the uphill battle of adulthood without real world knowledge. We’re thrown out on our asses expected to know how to survive, but instead they taught me the Pythagorean theorem, which, I’m sure I’ve forgotten already.

The ceremony was boring as fuck, and George’s Valedictorian speech as was lame as he is. It was dry and lacking character. Petty and of course, mostly about him being oh so good at school. It was supposed to be about the class and what the future holds, but of course he couldn’t do that.

George and my parents all fake pose with me in front of their friends, but the second they have a couple with me, they shut me out of the way so they can get a thousand of them with George.

I spot Westley, the poor guy I’ve given a sliver of my darkness to. I thought he could help me at one point, that he could help bring the light back in, but it backfired and I started smothering his light. I haven’t spoken to him since I had the breakdown in his basement. Which is fine, even if I miss having his arms around me when I sleep. My bed feels so cold without him next to me. Like an extra piece of me is missing, not that I’m whole anyway. What’s another piece gone mean anyway.

Turning on my heels I leave the crowd in the opposite direction of him. I can’t take looking at his puppy dog eyes right now. I’ve made my mind up. I’m sticking to the plan. Buy a ticket tonight, the first bus out of here to anywhere.

When I get home, surprise, no one else is here. I walked all the way home, forty-two mailboxes from the school. It wasnt that bad, it was quiet. Although, it left me alone with my own thoughts.

Just as I reach the front door there’s a horn, blaring through the street. I jump, turning to look back to see Westley coming to a screeching stop in front of my house. “Katherine!” He shouts, jumping out of his car, not bothering to shut it off or shut the door. What the hell?

I stop, standing on my porch with my cap and gown in my hand. I’m not sure what to say to him, he saw me at a low. It’s definitely not the lowest I’ve gone, but it was pretty fucking close.

“Please, Kitty Kat.” He slams into me, his hands lacing into the back of my hair. My parents told me to wear my hair down today, so I did. Though, only because the space buns didnt fit under the cap. He puts his forehead to mine, his warm breath caressing my lips. “Please.” He teases me with his lips, lightly kissing me. “Don’t leave us like this.”

“Like what? There is no us West, I told you I was leaving after graduation.” I close my eyes, stupid feelings. I don’t have time for these. Feelings get you into trouble. They keep you from achieving goals. He’s going to Yale, there’s no time for us.

“Kitty, you know there’s something here, give me the summer. Please.” He begs, squeezing his eyes shut as I look up at him.

“I’m leaving soon, West. This was the plan. To leave as soon as I can. You know why I can’t stay.” My hands find his waist, clutching his shirt. “Even if this is supposed to be an epic love, one for the history books, it’s too late.”

I try to pull away, no feelings. I feel my eyes burning as I blink a tear down my cheek. “It’s never too late for love Kitty. Never.” He pulls me closer, kissing me hard. Damn him. I melt into his kiss, letting him do it. One last kiss. We deserve this.

I break the kiss, breathing heavily as our foreheads meet again. “I’ve gotta go.” I tell him, pulling out of his grip.

“I’m not letting you leave Kitty. We’re endgame, I dont care what your head is telling you. This is real. We. We are real.” I back up to my door, him taking each step with me, not letting me step away. “Where are you going? I’ll follow you to the fucking moon.”

Don’t cry Katherine. No feelings.

When I look up at his face, I break. The walls come crashing down, all the feelings I had held back are rushing through me. He’s fucking crying. Simple tears falling down his cheeks. “You’d follow me for the summer?”

“I’ll follow you for the rest of my fucking life Kitty.” He smiles, opening my front door. We run up to my room and I pull my laptop out, opening it to find us tickets.

“Are you sure?” I ask, “Won’t your parents be pissed?”

“No, they were upset I was sticking around for the summer.” He kisses my shoulder. This is dumb, he’s still going to leave. This will still end. We will end. He can say that were endgame, but he’s got a bright future and I dont. I don’t even know what I’m going to do with my summer, how am I supposed to know what I want to do for the rest of my life.

I found two tickets heading towards the west coast. We’ll have three stops, one with a sixteen hour stop, why, I’m not sure. But it’ll give us time to explore new areas. I buy the tickets and let out a sigh. “Okay, they’re bought. We leave tomorrow.”

He lets out a laugh as he pulls me back on the bed, kissing my neck. “Katherine Marie Winston, I will show you what it means to live your life.” He makes a promise, we’ll see if he can keep it.

Sixteen hours to do whatever we want. This bus ride has been fucking amazing. We’ve slept, played games and gotten to know each other better without having to worry about anyone coming through to judge us. “We’re in Vegas.” Westley lifts me up and I wrap my legs around his waist. “What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas baby.” He presses a kiss to my lips.

“Wanna get a hotel for the time we’re here, so we can shower and nap on a bed?” He asks. His parents sent him with three different credit cards. I just have the money I’ve been secretly collecting from holidays, birthdays, and random things. My parents gave me five grand when I graduated and told me not to spend it on drugs. They’re paying for Yale for George, and I get a lousy five thousand dollars. But whatever, it’s funding my trip. Once I find somewhere to stay, I’ll get a job and find somewhere to live.

“A shower sounds amazing.” I moan, as he puts me back on the ground. We walk hand in hand until we find a hotel off the road where the bus stop is.

West grabs us a room and when we get there, there’s flowers on a heart shaped bed. “What room did you get?” I ask, looking up at him.

“I just asked for a room, they said this one was available. I just didn’t expect this.” There’s a disco ball hanging from the ceiling. What the fuck!?

“As long as the shower works, I dont even care.” He drops his backpack and bag onto the floor. “Come sweet Kitty. Let’s get cleaned up.”

After our shower, and three orgasms for me, we find ourselves just laying on the bed, staring up at the ceiling. “What are we doing for the rest of the time?” I ask. He checks his watch, since he seems to always put it on when he gets dressed.

“We have thirteen hours before we load up. Wanna go sightseeing? Or sleep?”

“Hmm, we can sleep on the bus.” I shrug, “Let’s go see all the things. That’s the point of this right?” I push up off the bed, looking down at him until he stands up too. I say we leave the stuff here, take what we need and go explore. He kisses me on the temple and I melt into his chest, my heart feeling things it shouldnt. I have to keep reminding it that he will leave soon and to just enjoy the time we have together. Even if its not forever, it will be enough. He makes me laugh, makes me feel like maybe, just maybe, Im not broken after all.

Well, then Kitty, lets go get into some trouble in Vegas. He takes my hand, leading me through the hotel room as I scoop up my purse and he grabs his wallet from the table. We leave and make our way back out to the street. Where we can just go, without anyone judging us. Him wearing his damn pink shirt and khakis, Im in my entire black ensemble, studded boots and all. When we exit the hotel, we hang a left and find ourselves just walking in silence.

The signs all around us tell a story. From the tarot readings to naked girls dancing, reminding us that we are in fact no longer at home. Theres a red neon sign flashing in front of us and we both stare at it. I tilt my head to the side, and smile. You wanna go in? He asks.

Can I? I ask, squeezing his hand.

You dont have to ask me for permission, Kitty, this is your summer. He brings my hand up to his lips and kisses the back of it.

Our summer. I remind him, he agreed to come with me. To enjoy the country as I try to find myself, to find where I belong.

There’s a bell that dings over our heads when I open the door and walk in. The whole shop smells clean, and I see drawings in frames all over the walls. There’s a front counter and I walk up, smiling.

“Tattoo or piercing?” the woman asks. She’s rocking bright green hair, spiked in every direction with her Slipknot tee.

I bite my bottom lip and smile, “Tattoo please.” I reply.

“ID.” She pulls out a paper and lays it on the counter in front of me. “Fill this out.” I fish my wallet out of my cross body purse and hand it to her, then quickly fill out the paper. “Anything for you?” She asks Westley, but he shakes his head. “Okay,” she takes the paper from me. “I’ll get copies of this, if you want something premade, there’s books over there with prices.”

“Thanks.” I skip over to the table where she pointed and grab the first one. I flip through the pages in every book, twice before settling on one that I just can’t stop looking at. It’s three roses, small and detailed. I wonder if I could get that on my wrist.

“Have you chosen?” I look up to see a big guy, with a hat on backwards and sleeves of tattoos.

“Yes, I like this one.” I show him the picture, “There’s a better one I can show you. It still has the three roses, but there’s a skull too.”

“Hell yeah.” He nods for me to follow him and I do, as I walk by the counter, the green haired girl hands me my ID, and I continue. I’m so excited to see how it turns out.

After two hours, I’ve have a new tattoo. I can’t stop staring at it as we walk, the second skin thing they put on is clear, so I can see it so clearly.

“Elvis Marriages.” Westley laughs. “That’s hilarious.”

“What?” I say, looking up to see what he’s seeing. I read the sign, Elvis Marriages. Get married the way he did. “Do you think it’s a real marriage?” I ask, not exactly understanding why someone would want to copy a marriage, even for fun.

“I’m sure its not. No way it’d be legal to just walk into a building like this and get married.” He says, draping his arm over my shoulder. “Oh, hey, there’s a small museum in there too.”

“Now that I’d like to see.” I reply, letting him lead me into the small building. When we walk through the door I’m greeted with a large cardboard cutout of Elvis himself. There are pictures all over the walls, things behind glass, and an elderly woman sitting in the corner.

I stop at one of the glass cases to see a pair of shoes and a notebook. There are lyrics on the pages, and a little sign that says, ‘Elvis shoes International Hotel 1974’

“Do you think those are his real shoes?” I ask, poking West in the side.

“Probably, he performed in Vegas for like six or seven years.” West says, seeming a little distracted.

I look over to see what he’s looking at, and there’s a sign that says ‘Dress like Elvis, Marry like Elvis, Be like Elvis’.

“That’s weird, right?”

“To spend time in his shoes would be beyond epic. He was a damn musical sensation that took the world by storm.”

“So, you’re an Elvis fan?” I ask, leaning against him as he walks closer.

“You’re not? The man is a fucking legend.”

“Remember who my parents are.” I state.

“He was before their time anyway. They would have been too young to remember him. Your grandparents though, they would have listened to Elvis.”

“Sometimes I forget just how nerdy you can be.” I let out a small giggle, but if he’s this damn interested in Elvis, then lets take a tour.

“Wanna see the whole museum and have a ceremony at the end?” The older woman asks, standing up from her chair. Her back is curved, but she doesn’t let that stop her as she walks to the counter. “Sign here, and present your IDs.”

“This is dumb, Westley.” I say, pulling my ID out of my bag again.

“Hey, I sat in that damn tattoo shop for you for two hours. You can handle a little time for me.” He replies. Letting out a sigh, I realize that he’s not wrong. He dropped all his summer plans to follow me here, has done nothing but cater to my every whim, I can manage to give him some of my time.

We sign the paper, which seems to be a waiver of some kind and a contract. She said it’s standard paperwork, so we signed. She buzzes us in, the doors to our left opening. We walk in, and music starts playing immediately. “I love this song,” he says, doing a little dance as we walk.

Stopping at each little knowledge nugget, West gives me the history of each part. The guitar pick, the guitar strap, the photo of Elvis dancing on stage. It’s all cute, but totally not my thing. It’s adorable to watch him get so excited about it though.

Reaching the end of the hall I hear him sigh, like he’s disappointed it’s almost over. He opens the next set of doors revealing a huge dressing room with wedding gowns and suits galore.

Now this, this could be something I have fun at. I’ve always loved clothes, and to see all these vintage wedding dresses. I let out a squeak when I see one in particular.

Not gonna lie, this is totally going to become one of those scenes in a movie, where we try on a bunch of different things. I hope it’s as amazing as it sounds in my head.

First outfits: He’s wearing a powder blue suit with frills around the neck. I shake my head no and spin in the dress I’m wearing. It’s overly fluffy and not the one I want to show him. He shakes his head in disapproval.

Second outfits: Pink, he’s wearing a pink zoot suit, and it’s absolutely fucking adorable with is fedora on. He’s got a black shirt and a pink tie and suspenders to match. “Yes! That one.” I say clapping my hands.

When he catches sight of me in my dress, his mouth drops open. “Too much?” I ask, turning from side to side to let him see it. It’s shorter with a black underlay and white lace on top with a pink belt around the waist. Funnily enough the pink matches his suit. I pull the black elbow length gloves on and give him a cute little bow.

“It’s perfect.” He replies, his eyes glued to me. “You’re fucking beautiful, Katherine.” He closes the space between us. “Damn gorgeous.”

“Well, Elvis, let’s get married.” I push up on my toes and kiss him. We collect our things and move through to the next door. To find a very chubby man dressed as Elvis standing at the end of an aisle. There is a flowered arch over him, and this all looks very real.

We walk down the aisle and when we stop at the end, Elvis begins to read off his paper. Delivering real wedding vows. We repeat his words, and when he gets to the ‘I do’ part, I hesitate.

“Well, do you?” Elvis asks.

“Oh, right.” My heart is beating so hard, my palms are sweaty and I’m not even sure how West is still holding my hand. Clearing my throat, I nod my head, “I do.”

“By the power vested in me, I now pronounce you husband and wife.” The man does this weird thing with his legs, and makes some weird sounds, “You may kiss the bride.”

West pulls me into him, kissing me so fucking passionately that I get lost in the darkness behind my lids. Fucking hell, he is all consuming and I’m going to drown soon. I need to find a place to live before he leaves for Yale. I cant be left unattended once this ends. Everything always ends and I can’t have feelings.

We’ve been on the bus for a little too long and I’m starting to go stir crazy. I know everything is wild and carefree right now, but our next stop is our last stop together. The summer has been amazing, but he has college in a couple weeks and has to go live his life how he’s supposed to. He wants to be a lawyer, and I’m not sure what I’m going to do with my life yet. I want to continue being free, enjoying traveling for as long as I can before I have to face reality.

So here I am, staring out of the window, waiting for Salt Lake City to appear, because I know what happens when we arrive. He leaves and I move on.

“What’s the plan for when we get there? You said you found something to do?” Westley yawns and stretches out. It’s been wonderful having him along for the ride, even if I always knew this is where we’d end up. He talks about endgame, but I’m not his endgame. I’m his distraction before he runs off to be a badass lawyer.

I don’t want to tell him what the plan is exactly, because we’re going straight from the bus station to the airport. I’ve already bought his ticket and he leaves in five hours.

“You’ll have to wait to see when we get there.” I reply as he takes my hand in his, holding it as if we’re a real life couple. The problem is, I never wanted to be a proper couple. This was supposed to be a fling, a wild summer ride, next stop. Reality.

As the bus pulls into the station, I suddenly feel like a terrible person. My palms are sweaty and my stomach is in knots. But I can do this. I said no feelings and I broke my own rule.

This one person has my whole heart and I fucked up allowing him to get under my skin. West grabs our bags as I slip my backpack over my shoulders and we all file off the bus.

Stretching, I take in a deep breath, hoping it’ll calm my nerves. It doesn’t, why would it? I’m about to break both of our hearts, ending this with a plane ticket back home for him.

“Where to?” He asks, I just start walking without saying a word and he follows. He’d follow me to hell if I let him and that’s part of the problem. I will drag him down, ruining any chance he has at becoming a normal human or a legendary lawyer.

We walk for a while, just taking in the sights, not saying a word to each other until he sees the same sign I see.

Salt Lake City International Airport. I’m not sure how long we’ve been walking, but West full blown stops and I turn back to look at him knowing damn well my face is giving away what I’m about to do.

“I’m not leaving Kitty.” He says, shaking his head violently.

“You are, you have a life to get back to.” I reply, stepping towards him but he takes a step back putting his hands up. “You are too important to just waste your life with me.”

“I’m fucking no one without you Katherine.” He snaps back. “Why are you pushing me away so quickly? Throwing away what we have, what we could have.”

“We have nothing Westley. I told you from the start. No feelings!” My hands fly to my head, wanting so badly to rip my hair out, or even throw myself into the non existent traffic so I don’t have to do this.

“You’re telling me that you have no feelings for me?” The look on his face is broken, I’ve broken him. Good, I want him broken so he’ll hate me.

“I want you to live your life without me in it, we can stay in touch as friends, but this will never be what you want it to be.” Those words slice through me, shattering my own heart as I hold back my tears. I cannot cry, I cannot give him a shadow of a doubt about my decision, even if it’s killing me.

“Fucking hell, Katherine. You’re serious.” He rubs his hands over his face, looking anywhere but at me. “I wanted you to come to New Haven with me, to figure out a way for us to be together. I want you in every fucking way possible. I want to grow old with you, spend our nights dancing under the stars.”

“That’s not a life I can give you. I can’t be what you want me to be.” I smack my own chest, grabbing my shirt as if I’m trying to rip my heart out.

The anguish on his face is unbearable, but this has to be done. I can’t let him throw away his life, and I can’t move to New Haven, living where my brother is.

“All I want is you, exactly as you are. Fuck Yale, I’ll go to school somewhere else. Please don’t do this.” I see his eyes swell with tears. This is so much harder than I thought it was going to be. I also thought we’d do this at the airport, with a crowd so he wouldn’t make a scene.

“This has to be done, we’re not a good fit.” I lie, he’s literally perfect, not a goddamn hair out of place, super fucking smart, and knows how to play my body as if he was made specifically for me. So why am I pushing him away? I’ll never find someone to be my endgame, I’m no longer allowed to have an endgame person. Not after what Knox did to me, time and time again. Even if I trust Westley with my body, I’m not sure I’m willing to trust him with my heart.

“I call bullshit, you’re being a fucking jerk about this, not letting it develop. Cutting it off before you have to deal with reality.” He snaps, “I’ve loved you for fucking years Katherine, and no matter how many times you say no feelings, I can see you. I’ve always fucking seen you. I know when you’re hurting, when you’re happy. Fuck, I knew something was wrong just by watching you go from wearing pink dresses to your worn down black shirts.”

“You don’t know what goes on here.” I say, shoving two fingers to my head, knowing damn well it’s a fucking mess up here. He’s seen me at a couple of low points, but I’ve never let him in completely, nor would I. The dark desires I have to harm myself, or how I look in the mirror and see a fucking traitor or a shadow of myself. How I wish that Knox had done this to anyone other than me. How I wish that George had devoured me in the womb like the stories I heard about.

How I went from having my brother as my best friend to being complete strangers who hate each other. No matter what I do, I’ll never be good enough for anyone, and I’ve decided that this is where I’m going. Anywhere but here and without him. I can’t let him work his way any further into my heart, tearing down the walls I’ve built with all my self hatred and trauma.

“That’s because you won’t let me Kitty.” He steps up to me, taking my face into his hands. “Please Kitty, don’t fucking do this.” He drops to his knees.

“I told you this had an expiration date, West. I’m not worth loving.”

“That’s fucking bullshit and a damn cop-out. You know I fucking love you, just like I know you love me. I see it in your goddamn eyes every time you look at me. I feel it in your touch, in your kisses.” Standing back up, he pulls me in tight, hugging me.

“I can’t move there with you, I need away from my family, and you’re literally going to live with George.”

“We don’t have to stay with him. We can get a place off campus.”

“We can still talk, there’s texting, video chat, sexting.”

“I just want you, come with me to Yale, we don’t have to see George, we don’t have to do anything other than live our lives.”

“What would I do in New Haven? Sit on the couch waiting for you to come home, have your food ready at dinner time and wash your clothes for you?” I grab his wrists and shove his hands away. “I’m not your wife, I will never be your wife. This ends here and now.” Suddenly it feels like my heart is no longer there, shattering in my chest. “I do not love you, and I never will.”

The look on his face breaks my soul. I think that worked, those were the words I needed to say. Whatever dreams he had of us have been wrecked, just like I need it to me. He has no future with me, the trashy, used and abused girl from next door.

Westley’s tears fall down his cheeks as he picks his bag up off the side of the road. “If I can’t have you in my life like this-” He chokes back his words.

“I want you to move on, find someone who can love you like you deserve.” Like I wish I could. I love him deeply, but would my love help him or hurt him. I don’t have the option to find out. This is where our story stops, the next chapter of our lives begins when we leave this spot.

“Move on, your fucking insane. There will never be anyone else for me.” He takes two steps towards the airport.

“Your ticket.” I say to his back as he walks away from me.

“Email it.” He shouts, flipping a middle finger over his shoulder.

Standing on the side of the road I watch as he slowly gets smaller with each step he takes. When he’s officially out of my sight, I drop to my knees and let out every emotion I held back, sobbing like a fucking toddler who can’t have a cookie before dinner.

I probably just made the biggest mistake of my life, but it’s for the best. Right?