Chapter Twelve
The dorm room smells like cleaner and air freshener. I want to choke on it as I lay on my bed staring at the ceiling.
Yale.
Yay.
My whole body hurts, knowing shes out there somewhere, without me. That she’s just going to keep fucking going and I’m stuck here with her brother.
“I’m glad you didn’t put the semester off.” George says. “I’m not sure I could have a different roommate.” He lets out a laugh as he continues cleaning.
“The dorm was clean when we moved in, George. You don’t have to clean it, again.” I roll over to face the wall, not really wanting to look at George’s face. Even though they’re complete opposites, seeing him just reminds me of her and the heartbreak I feel.
Closing my eyes, I go back to that night. The night I begged her to come with me.
“Please Kitty, don’t fucking do this.” I’m literally on my knees, begging her. Pleading as I fight the fucking tears. I’m not a fucking bitch, I will not cry over this.
“I told you this had an expiration date West. I’m not worth loving.”
“That’s fucking bullshit and a damn cop-out. You know I fucking love you just like I know you love me. I see it in your goddamn eyes every time you look at me. I feel it in your touch, in your kisses.” I wrap my arms around her waist pulling her against me, inhaling her scent.
“I can’t move there with you, I need away from my family, and you’re literally going to live with George.” Her fingers lace in my hair.
“We don’t have to stay with him. We can get a place off campus.”
“We can still talk, there’s texting, video chat, sexting.” She’s so fucking calm about this, like it’s not killing her. We just had the most amazing three months, and she’s just ready to throw it all away.
She’s my happily ever after, there will never be another person. I let go of her and push up to my feet, biting back my anger, grief, and greed. I want her to myself. I want her at my side, “If you can’t be with me at Yale, then I can’t be with you at all.” The second the words leave my mouth I regret them. But, the lack of reaction from her tears me apart inside. I grab my backpack and bag and walk towards the door of the hotel we’re currently staying in. “I hope you find a way to be happy, and that you let someone in. You are worth all the love.”
She just stands there, watching me as I leave, not saying a word.
“..plus she’ll never make a good wife.” George continues on whatever rant he’s carrying on.
“Can we just not talk about her? I don’t want to hear any more.” I state, gritting my teeth, trying so fucking hard not to punch the wall, or him.
The days turn to weeks, which just seem to keep going by. I’m officially settled in at college, taking classes and doing the work. Going through the motions. I had to change my number, she kept texting me, asking me how I was, if I wanted to talk. But just seeing her name on my phone hurts. So now, no one texts me. I haven’t given the number to anyone aside from my parents and George, not that anyone outside of them would even bother to talk to me.
George’s phone starts ringing and he answers it, pulling my attention away from the book I’m supposed to be reading for class.
“Hello, this is George.” He answers so formally. He stands up and begins pacing the room as he listens to whoever is on the phone with him. He doesn’t say anything, just makes sounds like, “Mmhmm.” and “Hmm.” not really giving me a clue as I try to eavesdrop. “Okay.” he nods his head as I turn to look at him.
Trying to get his attention I wave a hand, but he just puts up a finger signaling that I dont need to be part of the conversation. Which I suppose is fine. Its really none of my business. I turn my head back to my book and reread the same three words like twelve times while he continues to not talk to the person. I can. he replies. But, I wont. he adds. This is getting more and more intriguing and I really need to know who hes secretly talking to. Who is on the other line? Bye. He says sharply and then hangs the phone up and I hear it land on his bed.
Who was that? I ask.
“No one important. He replies as he drops into his chair at his desk next to me. Ive got too much work to do to be involved in the drama.
What drama? I press him. Now I need to fucking know.
Its none of our business. Theyll figure it out. Were at Yale, Westley. Lets focus on that. He turns away from me, pulling out a book and slams it on his desk.
I guess were studying, he has a way of being a dick. For a nerdy guy who only had one friend, he really is an asshole.
Five Years later
Its been five years since I left home. Im officially a college graduate, on my way to getting my law degree. Ive passed everything and Im ready to start law school in the fall after taking time off. But first, I must go home for our five-year reunion. George and I have plans to travel together back home, only this time, Ill have a plus one. I met Hilary a year ago, and we hit it off. We have so many things in common and our goals for life line up. Everything with her is easy and there are no complications.
But fucking boring.
I hadnt been with anyone since Katherine, until Hilary walked into my life. She fits into my lifestyle, so Ill sacrifice the mind-blowing sex for vanilla thrusting. When Im with her, I dont have to worry about what shell do if the wrong thing is said. Shes going to law school with me in the fall, and the tongue on her is sharper than the knives in my mothers drawer. When I met Hilary, she asked me to get a real mans haircut so I look less like Ragnar and more like Brad Pitt now. I guess its fine for the life I have imagined myself leading now.
Are you ready? George asks as Hilary puts her hair products into a bag.
Almost. She shouts from the bathroom. The three of us share an off-campus house and we have it rented through the end of next semester. Which works for us. When I went home for winter, my mother told me that she had torn out the black roses. I didnt want her to do that, I wanted to keep them, a reminder to never let myself fall so hard again. To never let another person consume me so deeply that I cant find myself without them.
The flight leaves in a couple hours, we need to get moving so we can actually get there and then check in. George shouts from the living room.
Were coming. Chill out man. I reply, a little annoyed at him for rushing her. She gets all frazzled if her shit isnt organized in a specific way.
Once we land back home, my parents are there at the gate to collect us. Mr. and Mrs. Sherman. George hugs my parents and then moves out of the way.
Is this Hilary? My mother asks, stepping closer without crowding her.
Yes. Hilary, these are my parents. Mike and Susan Sherman. Mom, Dad this is my fiancee, Hilary Sliverstein. My mom wraps her arms around Hilary and squeezes her. I reach out and shake my fathers hand, as Ive done since I outgrew hugs according to him.
Glad you made it safe. Help me with the bags. He says, taking Hilarys bag from her. We load the trunk first, then load up in the car for the thirty minute drive back to my house.
Are you excited for your five year reunion? My mother asks.
Seems like yesterday we were graduating from high school, and now were heading into law school. I reply, staring out through the back window, counting mailboxes. Mailbox counting, I havent done that in five years. Not since the bus ride through half the country with her. I close my eyes and her face appears like it always does. Haunting me, taunting me, reminding me of what I could have had. I hate it, I hate that she still has a fucking chokehold on me. That she can still pierce the veil all these years later. I wonder if shell be at the reunion. I know George said that he wasnt sure. They havent talked much either. He said some shit went down with her and the family and that she chose the wrong path in life. But no one ever told me what happened.
I saw Katherine at the Inn yesterday. Shes still wearing the same black nonsense she wore back then, some things dont change. My mother’s words freeze me over, like time stops. She’s here. Fuck, I’m going to have to handle everything all at once.
I have papers in the back that I need her to sign. Hilary nudges my arm, “You okay?” She whispers.
I nod my head and turn back to look out the window. Katherine is here, looking the exact same. But, I have a fiancee now, one that I want to marry, on purpose. I’ll have to talk to Katherine to get her to sign the divorce papers, since the Vegas wedding was completely real. I found out when I went back home for Christmas and I had mail waiting for me, with a marriage certificate signed by some guy in the state of Nevada. I couldn’t call her to tell her because I deleted her phone number. Then I changed mine, and I wasn’t about to ask George for it, because he’d want to know why. So, I kept it to myself, until now. I had to tell Hilary, which is why we pushed our wedding out to the middle of the summer, to give me time to hunt her down and get her to sign the papers.