nineteen #2
We were actually planning to torture him for information about Altieri’s next operation. We think he’s planning something big,” I respond, voice flat, too lost in memories to even bother lying about it.
I shake my head a few times, blinking, trying to return to Earth.
“So, you broke into De Luca’s house for the sole purpose of torturing him? And you’re trying to convince me that he deserved to be tortured because he has some sort of vital information about some other guy? He may not have been raping her. You could have read the situation wrong.
She may have been consenting…”
Callisto starts, but I cut him off before I even allow him to continue that ridiculous train of thought.
Of course, Callisto would look for any way possible to make me into a horrible person, to make me the bad guy.
Of course, he would somehow justify the actions of every other sorry excuse of a human being that isn’t me.
“Don’t be so fucking naive. She was screaming, begging him to stop. He ripped her clothes. She had bruises from his hands all over her body. I’m sure it’s not the first time he has raped someone.
He has killed far more people than I ever have and even has his hands in some underground sex trafficking rings. Either way, after he raped her, he was probably going to sell Violet to the highest bidder. He is a horrible person, Callisto,
and you are sitting here acting as though his life is worth something,” I defend, my skin prickling with heat again as my voice raises, maintaining eye contact with Callisto.
“Okay… so you’re right. He was a horrible person,” Callisto finally admits, his eyes cast down, voice on the verge of sheepish.
I won this round. In the high-stakes game we're playing, it’s time to rake the proverbial poker chips from the middle of the table.
However, I can’t celebrate yet. I don’t know what Callisto is thinking, and it's bothering me.
Is he wondering what he would have done in that exact situation?
Does he understand why I did what I did, and why I’m not even the least bit remorseful for my actions?
I may never get the answer, because he changes the subject, “Who’s Altieri? You mentioned him before, something about his operation, but who is he?”
“He is the leader of another organization. The only other one in the city. Basically, their version of Peadar. He’s a horrible man.”
My limbs shake at the very thought of Altieri.
He makes De Luca look like an angel. If Peadar did half of the shit Altieri does, I would have walked away a long time ago.
“How do you know he’s horrible? Because Peadar said so?” Callisto asks, his tone condescending. My body heats up even more.
Again, he has jumped to a conclusion without even knowing all of the facts.
He has let his own perspective of the world taint the reality of it.
Perspective is a funny thing, and he can’t seem to get past his own sometimes.
Just when I think he has made progress, something like this occurs.
It’s like we are engaged in this dance, but I don’t want to dance anymore.
I’m tired. My feet are sore. I want a shower.
“No. I’ve met Altieri a few times. The first time was when I was fourteen. I was scared and alone. I was begging for food, and this man came up to me and offered to take me to grab something to eat. I was starving, and I hadn’t quite figured out how to steal nor had I found Kiki’s shelter. So,
I went with him,” I start.
“Sounds like a pretty nice guy to me, buying you food,” Callisto says, and I roll my eyes.
He automatically assumed that Altieri was a nice guy and because he believes that he is Peadar’s enemy.
It’s like Callisto doesn't realize that there can be more than one bad guy in a story.
That the villain in one version of the story is the hero in another.
What is a means of living to a snake, is death to its prey.
“After we ordered, I went to the restroom,” I continue. “As I was coming back out, I watched Altieri slip something into my soda, and stir it around, so it would dissolve.”
“What? So, you think he was trying to drug you? For what?” Callisto’s expression is unreadable. I nod.
“I found out later that he runs a major sex trafficking organization. He usually has guys on the streets to find their victims, but I guess Altieri saw an opportunity he couldn’t pass up. He was going to drug me, then make money off my body. I was perfect.
A young little twink with no one in the world who loved me. No one that would miss me. A creep would have paid good money for me.”
My voice sounds dejected to my own ears, having gotten caught up in yet another memory.
I shiver, an alternative universe where I didn’t see what Altieri had done flashing before my eyes.
“Wow… I- I guess I never thought about sex trafficking being a real thing in this country. I’ve seen stuff about it on the news, but I always turn off the news because it makes me uncomfortable,” Callisto admits, his eyes falling again as he fiddles with his fingers, probably missing his rings.
I had him take them off before we left. Those things draw a huge amount of attention, and I didn’t want even more attention drawn to us.
He was already planning on walking into a homeless shelter with what could very well be a model.
“Yeah well, it’s nice that you can turn off what happens in the world because it makes you uncomfortable. Some people don’t have the convenience of changing the channel,” I respond, my tone sharp.
“I- I think I’m starting to understand that…” Callisto winces, and I want to smirk in triumph. Maybe this dance is worth it.
“Anyway, I’m not saying Peadar is a good guy. He is by no means a saint, but he was the lesser of two evils at the time. He took care of me. He gave me the family I longed for. He was like a father to me,” My voice cracks, more emotions that I thought he had repressed return to the surface.
I bite my lip.
“Why are you so loyal to him? I still don’t understand.”
Callisto’s question is so genuine, it makes my chest hurt even more.
His green eyes are wide, almost as if he is begging me to make him understand.
Unlike when I was in my bathroom, he isn’t looking at me as if I am some monster in front of him.
No. He’s looking at me as a human one more– as someone who bleeds.
And under the weight of his gaze, I am bleeding out.
My blood spills at Callisto’s feet, my secrets hidden amongst the drops.
“I told you. He saved me from Altieri in a lot of ways. Like right after the Altieri situation, I ran into Peadar who told me to stay away from him. Then I met Daron at the shelter, and we started stealing and doing shit, and we caught Peadar's attention after about a year or two.
He approached us with a job. He actually cared about me.”
My voice takes on a pleading tone. I know I’m trying to justify it to myself as much as Callisto.
At this point, I don’t know how to feel about Peadar. He is still like a father to me, but his betrayal is eating away at me like a parasite. I should have expected it. Everyone betrays me. First my biological father, then Peadar.
“If you knew De Luca worked for Altieri and was a part of all of this horrifying criminal activity, then why did you allow your sister to work for someone like that?” Callisto asks, breaking me out of thoughts of my last conversation with Peadar.
“I didn’t know she was working for him. I hadn’t seen her since I was fourteen.” I fold with a sigh, revealing my hand for all to see. It’s like Callisto is peeling my skin off, exposing everything raw that lies beneath the surface.
The worst part is, I’m watching from the outside because I know Callisto is going to ask.
I know I’m going to answer. Afterall, I’m the one who opened this door.
I chose to do this, so I lay my cards on the table for him to see.
It’s just one hand. It’s just one secret.
One tiny detail about myself. I hope Callisto doesn’t continue to up the ante with the next deal.
“What happened to your family, Lee?” Callisto asks, looking at me with big green eyes. I can’t bear it for long, shutting my eyes for a few seconds, willing away my memories. It’s not working, though.
I haven't thought about it for so long and haven't discussed it for even longer.
It’s like the memories I’ve ignored for so long are mud, and they’ve settled into the bottom of my psyche, the water on top clear.
The events of the day along with Callisto’s questions are acting like a giant spoon, stirring everything up.
The water is murky with the motion, and there is no way to stop the swirling as it brings the mud further to the surface.
That mud is foreign to me because I never say any of this out loud.
None of us discuss our past, and how we got here.
It’s an unspoken rule. I know more about Daron than Fletcher or Evan because I met Daron before I joined the organization.
“My dad kicked me out of the house when he found me sucking my best friend’s dick. He and my mom got into a huge fight about it, but he told her he didn’t want me for a son, and she could go with me if she wanted. I guess she didn’t want to.” I touch my necklace again, lost in the memory.
“Did she give you that necklace?” He asks, and I freeze. I didn’t think he would watch me so closely. I look down at my pendant, the diamond eyes judging me.
“Yeah. She gave it to me for my 12th birthday.” My mom’s dainty hands handing it to me is clear as day in front of me. “She told me that my name means ‘Lion’ and I should always remember my bravery. Despite her betrayal, I haven’t been able to take it off.” I let it drop back down to my collar bone.
“What about your little sister?” he asks.
“My sister wasn’t even home the day I got kicked out, so I never got to say goodbye,” I answer after a long moment, the memory from that day coming to the forefront of my mind, scratching at my already raw skin. I try to breathe, but my lungs refuse to expand.