Chapter 16
Henry is the first child I have spent any length of time with. It’s not that I don’t like them, I’ve just never really had the chance. I grew up in the same world as everybody else at this table, even if I was kept a good distance from it. Alek truly isn’t wrong when he calls me princess. I haven’t yet had the chance to tell him that I like the nickname very much. He already treats me in a much sweeter way than Nikolai ever did.
There’s still the strong, commanding presence that I crave sexually, but he’s more about my pleasure. I don’t hate it. That’s for damn sure.
I knew that one day or another, before he passed, my father would have ended up marrying me off for whatever political agreement made him the most money. He wasn’t a kind man. In that version of my life, I would have been expected to have children of my own. There wouldn’t have been any choice about it. It would have just been a given, something that had to happen because that was the expectation. I would have gone from mafia princess to mafia queen in title but never in power.
Sitting here, it’s hard to imagine that either Daniel or Helena would ever put Henry in a position to do a damn thing that he didn’t want to do and it is also abundantly obvious how much they both love him. I hope Henry feels it. He seems to be just as crazy about his parents as they are about him.
I’m more at ease around the three of them than I thought possible. I choose to take it as a good sign. A positive omen of all of the good things yet to come.
It might take a long time for Alek to be comfortable speaking to Henry, he looks overwhelmed. Such big changes in such a short time. He’s still pale, and the heavy bags under his eyes and the number of abrasions and wounds on him might be too intimidating to the kid. But Henry is doing such a great job of being polite and overlooking it. Whatever he knows of Daniel’s world, it doesn’t faze him. He is safe, protected, just like a child should be.
How would any of us have turned out if we had been raised with the same sort of compassion?
“I’d like to hear you play,” Alek finally manages to say.
Henry lights up.
“Really?!” He exclaims, practically bouncing in his seat from excitement.
Alek nods once.
It’s all the invitation that Henry seems to need. He jumps up and reaches for Alek’s hand. Alek flinches and catches himself. I can’t even imagine how hard all of this must be for him. So much to process. I try to offer him any reassurance I possibly can. I don’t know how well it works, but I’m here for him. We’re a team now.
Slowly, he lets Henry take his hand, and I hope that in doing so, he will allow some of the healing to start.
Henry leads us to a lovely room with floor to ceiling windows and a large white piano as the focal point of the room. White couches with comfortable cream-colored blankets are placed around the room. The far wall is covered in built in bookshelves filled with books of every sort. Clearly, they are all avid readers.
The hours blend together like that. Surreal and comfortable, so much more than I ever thought possible. It felt like a family. Henry plays until he says that he is hungry again and Helena made snacks for everybody. Henry brings out the board games and we spend the entirety of the afternoon with him, doing whatever he wants and just learning about the sort of person that he is, his wants and his aspirations.
Alek starts to warm up to him after a while. I suspect that it will take him even longer before conversation flows naturally. I’ve only known these people a little longer than twenty-four hours and already I feel like I’ve known them my entire life.
Helena is kind, sweet - albeit damaged. There’s a haunted look behind her eyes that I relate to. I know the things that we have in common, things that neither one of us will ever probably be brave enough to speak about in the light of day. Things that perhaps are best to leave behind so that we can move forward in the healing energy of this family.
Henry is impossibly kind. The minute he finds out that I am an archeologist by education, even if I never got a chance to work in the field, he immediately shows me all of the books that he has on dinosaurs and tells me what sorts of bones he finds the most fascinating.
I envy his energy.
Alek hovers near me, no matter what room I head into or what adventure Henry wants to take us on. It doesn”t take long at all before he’s planned out our entire week. Daniel has to gently, but firmly, reign him in. It’s the only thing that makes this feel like less of a dream. It’s obvious to see how deeply Daniel loves his little family - but he’s what keeps us all rooted in reality.
As fun as all of this is, as easy, we are still at war.
Soon, we will have to fight. We are in danger.
Nikolai has to know that I’m missing by now, he may already be on his way here to Fort Worth. He’s actually likely to already be here, making moves that I don’t even want to know about. My eyes glaze over as they lose focus, dissociating from the room that I’m standing in. I barely notice as Henry pulls out something else to show me, as Helena brings a scented candle into the room. I barely feel the touch of Alek’s fingers against the back of my arm as he softly asks me what’s wrong.
For a moment, I’m back there with Nikolai and all of this is just a dream.
The thought of him brings bile to my throat. My stomach flops bitterly at the memory of the last time that he put his hands on me, and I feel like I’m going to be sick.
Oh no, I actually am going to be sick.
“Excuse me…” I mutter to nobody in particular before I turn and race up the stairs as quickly as my tired legs will take me. I hurtle into the room that Alek and I share, not stopping until I hit the bathroom. I sink to my knees so fast and hard that I think the marble flooring bruises my skin and I lose the contents of my stomach to the porcelain in front of me.
Over and over, until there’s absolutely nothing left.
It doesn’t stop there.
I don’t know if it’s the trauma of thinking of Nikolai, of his hands on me, hurting me, or if I had too much to eat for lunch or maybe it’s just the richness of the food itself.
I cradle my stomach in my hand, still feeling wobbly from the puking. I flush the toilet and sink back against the wall.
“Everything okay?” Alek asks from the doorway to the bathroom. I appreciate that he’s giving me space.
“Yeah, I’m good.” I answer automatically. A perfunctory response that I would give no matter how I’m actually feeling. As it is, my mind is reeling.
I replay the events of the day while attempting to take an internal measure of how I’m feeling and what the hell must have just happened. Then it hits me. The candle.
Helena brought in the candle – scented like lavender or something… that is when the dizzy, overwhelming feeling had overtaken me. Since when do smells make me feel sick? That’s never happened. I love aromatherapy.
“You need some time?” Alek asks gently from the door to the bedroom.
I nod, but he can’t see me. With shaking arms, I push myself from the floor and move to rinse my mouth out with mouthwash and brush my teeth. “Yeah, I think I just….” I sigh and lean a hip against the tall countertops. “I think I just overdid it…I need to lie down.”
“I’ll stay with you.” Alek says. Not an offer, but a statement.
I like that it’s just so automatic.
“No, no,” I protest and turn my head. “Stay with your sister and Henry, I want you to… please.”
“I don’t want to leave you,” Alek admits.
“I’m not going anywhere. I’ll be here when you come up later.” I assure him.
Alek nods. “Alright, come down if you feel better… or call for me or something.”
“I promise.”
I slowly walk into the bedroom, my mind spinning. I don’t know what to think. I don’t know what to say.
A soft knock at the door interrupts my thoughts. I don’t expect Helena to be the one peeking her head into the room. “Sorry, I just wanted to make sure that you’re okay… it took me a long time to adjust to things after…”
After Nikolai.
It seems that she doesn’t like saying his name any more than I do. Like saying his name will somehow suddenly make him appear out of thin air, like he’s the damned boogeyman that can be summoned like a curse. Still, it’s kind for her to check in on me.
“It’s not that.” I start. “Well, it’s not just that… I hate to even ask you for a single thing when you’ve done so much for me already.”
Helena shakes her head. “We have to face this mess together. I think that we owe it to ourselves. And even if we didn’t have that one thing in common, you saved Alek for me. You kept him sane. You made sure that I got my brother back in one piece and, dare I say, even looking happy. We will have the time to heal and years to get to know one another again. For that alone I would be happy to do any number of favors for you.”
“Careful with offers like that, or I’ll start to get an ego. I warned your brother.” I grin.
Helena laughs. “I mean it though.”
I know she does. Still, I bite my lip. Maybe I’m making a big deal out of nothing. I could be jumping the gun entirely or just being a damned fool, but I want to know. No, I need to know.
“You can tell me anything.” Helena repeats. She’s not pushing, she just wants me to know that I can.
I close my eyes and gather what is left of my strength before answering. “I need a pregnancy test. As soon as possible.”