9. Alison #4
“It’s ultrasound gel,” Darla says.
“What’s it for?”
“It helps the sound waves travel between the probe and Ally’s body.”
Tobias puts one hand against the lower part of my stomach. Way too gently. Like I’m made of glass. His brow furrows. “I don’t feel anything.”
“You won’t yet,” Darla says.
“When will I?”
“Later in the pregnancy, when the baby gets bigger and starts kicking hard enough to feel from the outside.”
His head snaps toward her. “It kicks Ally?”
Darla smiles. “Babies move around.”
“Does it hurt?”
“Sometimes it can be uncomfortable.”
Tobias looks deeply offended on my behalf. “Tell it not to.” He looks back at my stomach. “Don’t kick her.”
I laugh. Ryan does too. Tobias pats me once. Then looks at Ryan. “Can you feel it?”
“Not yet.”
“Do you touch it?”
The room goes quiet for exactly half a second. Ryan, to his credit, doesn’t even blink. “Yeah.”
“All the time?”
“Pretty much.” Tobias nods like that makes perfect sense.
His eyes drop to my hand. Then mine. There’s a flicker there. Something hot. Something painful. Something unfinished. I let go.
“Eventually, the baby will start hearing voices from outside Ally’s body. The voices it hears a lot can become familiar.”
Tobias looks at Ryan. “You should talk to it a lot.”
Ryan’s eyes find mine. “I do.”
Darla finishes packing away the things she doesn’t need. I sit up and pull my shirt back into place.
“Everything really looks okay?”
Darla turns to me. There must be something in my face, because all the amusement leaves hers. “Everything I saw today was reassuring. Measurements are where I want them. Heart rate looked good. Nothing you’ve told me about your symptoms concerns me right now.”
I nod. “And the stress?”
Darla doesn’t bullshit me. “I’d love for you to have less of it.
But having a horrible week does not mean you’ve harmed your baby.
” I let out a breath. She continues. “You call me if anything changes. Bleeding. Significant pain. Anything that scares you enough that you’re sitting there wondering whether you should call. ”
“Even if it’s stupid?”
“Especially then.”
Ryan says, “She’ll call.”
My head turns. “I can answer for myself.”
His mouth closes. The room changes. Barely. But Cassandra notices. Walter definitely notices. Darla’s eyes move between us.
Tobias, blissfully unaware, points toward the ultrasound machine. “Do we get a picture?”
Oh. I look at Darla. She smiles. “Several.”
She reaches beside the machine and picks up the little strip she’d printed. My breath catches all over again. Three tiny black-and-white images. Our baby. She hands them to me. I stare.
Ryan comes closer. Not touching me. Just close enough to see. Tobias wedges himself directly between us. “Which part is the butt?”
Walter coughs. Cassandra loses it. Even I start laughing.
Darla points. “Right around here.”
“That doesn’t look like a butt.”
Tobias looks up. “Can I have one?”
The question catches me completely off guard. I look down at him. “You want one?”
“Yeah, it’s my baby too.”
My eyes fill instantly.
Tobias notices. “Why are you crying?”
“Because I’m pregnant and apparently that’s my whole personality now.”
Darla carefully separates one from the strip. “Here.”
Tobias takes it with both hands.
“Don’t bend it,” I warn.
“I know.”
Tobias studies his picture. “Can I show Mom?” My heart stops. The entire room stills. Tobias looks up. “Oh.”
Darla crouches in front of him. “Remember, this is still Ally’s private medical information and Ally gets to decide who knows and when.”
His little fingers tighten around the picture. “I’m not gonna tell.”
“I know you’re not.”
He looks at me. “Can I keep it somewhere safe?” I swallow around the lump in my throat. “Where Dad won’t see?”
Cassandra steps closer. “I have an idea. Why don’t we put it in one of my article folders for now? I’ll keep it safe here. Anytime you’re visiting, you can see it.”
That apparently satisfies him. He hands her the picture. “Don’t lose it.”
“I wouldn’t dare.”
Darla gives me the remaining pictures. Ryan stares at them. I stare at him.
His eyes lift to mine. “Can I—“
I hand him one. His mouth closes. He takes it carefully. And the fact that I’m still furious with him doesn’t change what happens to his face when he looks down at it. He runs his thumb along the white border. “Fuck.”
Tobias looks at him. “You can’t say that in the article.”
Ryan blinks. Walter laughs so hard he has to sit down.
Once Darla finishes packing everything, Cassandra claps her hands. “All right, Mr. O’Toole. Now I believe you owe me an interview.”
Tobias’s entire attention shifts. “Can I use the recorder?”
“You may press the button.”
“Can I hold it?”
“We’ll negotiate.”
He takes off toward the hall. Cassandra catches him. “Wrong room, Walter Cronkite.”
“Who?”
She stops. Looks at Walter. “Oh my God.”
Walter shakes his head. “Don’t do this to yourself.”
“He doesn’t know Walter Cronkite.”
“He’s six.”
“I have failed.”
Tobias looks between them. “Who’s Walter Cornkite?”
“Cronkite.”
“That’s what I said.”
Walter puts a hand on his shoulder. “Come on. I’ll explain while Cassandra has her existential crisis.”
“What’s existential?”
Tobias follows him toward Cassandra’s office, already asking questions.
Cassandra pauses beside me. “You good?”
I know what she’s actually asking. I glance at Ryan. He’s still holding the ultrasound picture.
“No.”
She nods. “Okay.”
No lecture. No telling me to forgive him. She just looks at Ryan. Whatever passes between them makes his jaw tighten. Then Cassandra follows Tobias and Walter.
And suddenly it’s just Ryan and me standing in the living room with the sound of Tobias enthusiastically explaining something to Cassandra down the hall.
Ryan looks at me. “Can we talk?”
I fold my arms. “We’ve been talking.”
“No. You’ve been texting me that I’m an asshole.”
“You are an asshole.”
His jaw tightens. “Can we go somewhere Tobias can’t hear us?”
That, unfortunately, is reasonable. “Fine.” I grab my bag. “Lead the way.”
The guest house door barely closes before Ryan says, “I’m sorry.”
I turn around. “No.”
His brows pull together. “No?”
“No. You don’t get to walk in here, say you’re sorry, and then we’re done.”
“I didn’t say we were done.”
“You keep acting like it.”
“How?”
“By trying to fix everything in one fucking sentence.”
His expression hardens. “I’m not trying to fix it in one sentence.”
“That’s what you do with everything.”
“What the fuck does that mean?”
“There.” I point at him. “That.”
“What?”
“You need a solution for everything. A plan. A fucking operation. A backup plan for the backup plan.”
“Yeah, Ally. That’s generally how you keep people alive.”
“And sometimes people aren’t problems for you to solve!”
“I never said you were a problem.”
“You treat me like one!”
His face changes. “The fuck I do.”
“Yes, you fucking do!” My voice is loud now. Good. I’m done whispering. “You decide what happens, you tell everyone where to be, you figure out who watches who, what I should say, where I should go—“
“Because your father is trying to put you on a fucking plane!”
“I KNOW!”
“Then what the fuck do you want me to do?”
“Listen to me!”
“I am listening!”
“No, you’re waiting for me to stop talking so you can tell me the next fucking plan!”
That shuts him up for half a second. “I am trying to keep you here.”
“And I’m trying to stay!”
“Could’ve fooled me.”
My mouth drops open. “What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”
“You keep taking risks.”
“For Tobias.”
“Exactly.”
“Don’t you fucking dare.”
“Why? Because I’m right?”
“Because he can’t protect himself!”
“And apparently that means you don’t have to protect yourself?”
My chest heaves. “I can handle my dad.”
“Your arm says otherwise.”
I go still. Ryan knows immediately that he crossed something. But he doesn’t take it back. That pisses me off more.
“Fuck you.”
“No.” His voice drops. “No, because I’m done pretending this shit isn’t happening. He dragged you into a closet and fucking hit you.”
“I know what he did.”
“Then stop acting like you’re invincible.”
“I have never acted like I’m invincible!”
“You act like you’re expendable!” The words hit so hard I actually step back. Ryan is breathing hard. His eyes are wild. Angry. Scared. “You will walk straight into fucking traffic if Tobias is standing on the other side.”
“Yes!”
“THAT’S THE FUCKING PROBLEM!”
“He is my brother!”
“And you’re carrying my fucking baby!”
The room goes dead quiet. My eyes burn. “That doesn’t make me yours to control.”
Ryan’s face changes immediately. “I didn’t say it did.”
“You don’t have to.”
“Bullshit.”
“You think because you’re scared you get to decide everything.”
“I think because I’m scared I’m trying to keep the people I fucking love alive!”
“And I think I’ve had enough men deciding what’s best for me!
” That stops him. Completely. My voice breaks.
I hate it. I keep going anyway. “My dad decides where I live. Victor decides what kind of wife I’m supposed to be.
My dad decides where I go to school, who drives me, who I’m allowed to talk to.
Teachers are watching me. Daniel watches me.
Everybody is fucking watching me.” Ryan doesn’t move.
“And then today you decided how much humiliation I could handle.” His face falls.
“You decided my writing was acceptable collateral because it made your plan work.”
“Ally—“
“No. You wanted me to talk. I’m fucking talking.” His mouth shuts. “You knew.” My eyes are burning now. “You knew exactly what that notebook meant to me.”
“Yes.”
“You knew what Switzerland meant.”
“Yes.”
“And you used both.”
“Yes.” No excuse. No Bennett was watching. No I had to. Just yes. It almost makes me angrier.
“You hurt me.”
His eyes don’t leave mine. “I did.”
“I knew it was fake, and you still fucking hurt me.”
“I know.”
“STOP SAYING YOU KNOW!”
“I DON’T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK ELSE YOU WANT ME TO SAY!” The shout explodes out of him. Good. There he fucking is.
“I want you to admit you didn’t have to do it like that!”