21. Alison
Iwake up because Ryan moves his hand.
My eyes open before the rest of me catches up. Dark green walls. His pillow under my cheek. Morning light slipping around the curtains. Ryan’s chest against my back, his arm around my waist. For one stupid, beautiful second, that’s all there is.
Then his hand settles over my stomach again. And I remember. Mom. The front steps. The sound her head made. Blood spreading beneath her. Me screaming. Ryan screaming. Hands pulling me away from her. The pain. More blood. The hospital.
I close my eyes. It doesn’t put any of it back.
Ryan’s breathing changes behind me. “You awake?”
“Yeah.”
His hand doesn’t leave my stomach. “Pain?”
“Same.”
“Cramping? Dizzy?”
“No. And I haven’t checked for bleeding yet.” He starts to move. I catch his wrist. “Ryan.” I roll carefully until I’m facing him. He watches every inch of it like I’m made of glass, and the second I’m settled, his hand goes right back to my stomach. I cover it with mine. “I love you.”
Something in his face breaks. Not completely. Just enough. “I love you too.” He leans forward and presses his forehead to mine.
I close my eyes. “I really fucking love you.”
“I know.”
I open them. “You’re supposed to say it back.”
“I really fucking love you too.”
His mouth touches mine. Soft. Careful. Nothing like the kisses we used to steal because we weren’t supposed to have them. Nobody can tell us we aren’t supposed to have them anymore. The thought should make me happy. Instead, tears fill my eyes.
Ryan sees them. “Hey.”
“Mom knew.” I press my face into his chest. “She knew about the baby. She knew about us. She was supposed to come too.” His arm comes around me. “She was supposed to fucking come too.”
“I know, baby.”
I cry into his shirt until I hear it. A little voice down the hall. My whole body locks. Ryan’s hand moves slowly over my back. “Toby.”
I nod. Last night, Walter told us he didn’t know. They kept him away from everything after Danny brought him back here. He knows something happened. He knows Mom didn’t come. But he doesn’t know.
I pull back from Ryan. “I have to tell him.”
“You don’t have to do it alone.”
“I know.”
“You want Mom and Dad there?”
“Yes.” He wipes beneath my eyes. “And you.”
His face changes. “Obviously.”
“No.” I grab his hand. “I mean it. Don’t go anywhere.”
“Ally.” He threads our fingers together. “You’re gonna have to pry me off you at this point.”
My mouth trembles. “I don’t want to.”
“Good.” He kisses my forehead. “Because I’m not going anywhere.”
We walk down the hall together, his hand around mine the whole way, Walter and Cassandra falling in behind us. Tobias’s door is already open.
Tobias is sitting in the middle of his bed, the leprechaun trap beside him, Walter perched on the edge of the mattress while he fixes something that apparently required immediate attention this morning. Cassandra stands near his dresser. They both look up when we come in.
I can hear everyone else downstairs. Quiet voices. A lot of them. Everyone came back. But nobody came up here. Not yet.
Ryan’s hand stays locked around mine as I sit on the bed. “Toby?”
“Yeah?”
“Can you come here?”
He looks up. His eyes move from me to Ryan. Then Walter. Then Cassandra.
His little forehead wrinkles. “Why is everybody being weird?” My throat closes. He drops the piece of the trap and crawls across the mattress. “Is Mommy back? Did she come back?”
I shake my head. “Come here, bug.”
He climbs into my lap. Ryan immediately shifts closer, one arm behind me so I don’t take all of Tobias’s weight.
“Is she still with the doctors?”
I wrap my arms around him. “Mom got hurt yesterday.”
His little body stiffens. “By Daddy?”
I hate that he knows to ask. “Yes.”
His eyes get big. “Is she okay? Did Darla fix her?”
My eyes burn. “Darla tried.”
“Did the ambulance people fix her?”
“They tried too.”
“So she’s at the hospital.”
“No.” He stares at me. I don’t know how to do this. There has to be a way to say these words that doesn’t destroy him. There isn’t. “Mom died yesterday, Toby.”
He doesn’t move. Doesn’t blink. Nothing. Then— “Okay.” My heart cracks straight down the middle. He looks at Ryan. Then Walter. Back at me. “When is she coming home?”
“She can’t.”
“Why?”
“Because when somebody dies, their body stops working.”
“But doctors fix bodies.”
“Sometimes they can’t.”
“Darla can.”
“Toby—“
“Call her. Call her again. There’s lots of doctors. Get another one.”
His eyes are filling now.
“They can’t bring her back, bug.”
“Why?”
“Because she died.”
“No.” His head starts shaking. “No, she didn’t.”
“She did.”
“No.” He pushes against me. Ryan catches him before his hands can hit my stomach, and Tobias fights him immediately. “NO!”
“Easy, buddy.”
“LET ME GO!”
Ryan pulls him into his lap right beside me, one arm secure around his middle. “I’m not stopping you from being mad.”
“LET ME GO!”
“You can be mad.” Tobias’s fist slams into Ryan’s chest. Ryan doesn’t even flinch.
“Go get her!” Tobias screams at me.
“I can’t.”
“Yes, you can!”
“I can’t, bug.”
“YOU FIX EVERYTHING!”
My breath catches. “I can’t fix this.”
“Yes, you can!” His fist hits Ryan again. Ryan takes it. “When Daddy gets mad, you fix it! When Mommy’s sick, you fix it! When I’m scared, you fix it!”
“I know.”
“SO FIX MOMMY!”
“I can’t!”
“I WANT HER! I WANT MY MOMMY!”
“I know, baby.”
“NO!” His fist crashes against Ryan again. “I HATE YOU!”
He’s looking at me. Not Ryan. Me.
“I know.”
“I HATE YOU!”
“I still love you.”
“NO YOU DON’T! YOU LEFT HER!”
My heart caves in. “I tried.”
“YOU LEFT MOMMY!”
“I tried, Toby.”
“You said you’d get us out! YOU SAID ALL OF US! You said Mommy too!”
“I know.”
“THEN WHY DIDN’T YOU GET HER?”
“I TRIED!” The scream tears out of me before I can stop it.
Tobias freezes. So does Ryan. Walter. Cassandra.
Everyone. I grab Ryan’s arm because suddenly I can’t breathe.
“I tried so hard, Toby.” My voice breaks.
“I didn’t leave her. I was there. I held her.
I screamed for somebody to help her. I begged her to wake up. ”
Tobias’s face crumples. “Then make her.”
“I can’t.”
“Please. Ally, please.”
“I WANT MOMMY TOO!” He goes still. “I want her too, Toby.” I’m sobbing now.
“I want my mom. I want her to come through that door. I want her to hold you. I want her to tell me everything is going to be okay.” My hand covers my stomach.
“I want her to meet our baby.” Ryan’s hand immediately covers mine. “I want her here so badly.”
Tobias is crying silently now. “Then why can’t we have her?”
“Because Dad hurt her too bad. And I couldn’t fix it. You can hate me.”
His bottom lip shakes violently.
“I will still love you anyway.”
He stares at me. Then his whole face folds. “I love you.”
Oh God.
“I love you. I LOVE YOU.” He starts fighting Ryan’s arms again — not to get away. To get to me. Ryan understands immediately and moves him closer, keeping most of his weight in his own lap. Tobias throws his arms around my neck. “I love you, I love you, I love you.”
“I love you too.”
“Don’t leave me. Don’t leave.”
“I’m right here.”
“Don’t die.”
Everything inside me stops. “Toby—“
“DON’T DIE!” He clings to me harder. “Mommy died. Don’t you die too. Please don’t die too.”
I press my face into his hair. “I’m going to do everything I can to stay right here with you for a very, very long time.”
“Promise?”
“I promise.” He pulls back, his wet eyes finding Ryan.
“Ryan too.”
Ryan’s face breaks. “I’m right here, buddy.”
“Don’t leave Ally.”
“I won’t.”
“Promise?”
Ryan looks at me. Then Tobias. “I promise.”
Tobias’s eyes drop to my stomach. “And the baby? The baby can’t die too.”
Ryan closes his eyes for half a second. I take Tobias’s hand and put it gently against my stomach. Ryan covers both of ours. “The baby is okay.”
“Darla said?”
“Darla and the other doctors. Really okay.”
“Don’t let anything happen to it.”
Ryan’s voice is rough. “We’re taking the best care of them we can.”
Tobias nods. Then curls back into us. “I don’t want anybody else to die.” Nobody answers. Because what are we supposed to say? His crying starts again. Quieter. “I want my mommy. Where is she?”
“People are taking care of her body.”
“Where are they taking her?”
I swallow. “We don’t know yet.”
“Is she going to be in the ground?”
“Probably.”
His head jerks up. “By herself?”
“Oh, bug—“
“No.” Panic floods his face. “I don’t want her by herself.”
“She won’t—“
“She gets scared!” I start crying again. “She gets scared when she’s alone. She doesn’t like being alone when Daddy’s mad. I don’t want Mommy by herself!”
“She doesn’t have to be.” The voice comes from the doorway.
I look up. I don’t know when everyone started coming upstairs. Becca is crying beside Danny. Katya stands with Theodore. Clifford, Louise, Delilah. Cat and Kaiden. Thomas. Callum and Saoirse. Gideon and Alice. Penny. Iz. Arthur and Darla.
And Xander.
X lets go of Penny’s hand and walks into the room. He sits on the floor beside us. No hesitation. No speech.
He just gets down there. “Hey, little man.”
Tobias looks at him through swollen eyes. “I want my mommy.”
“Yeah.”
“Ally can’t fix her. She fixes everything. But she can’t fix Mommy.”
“Nobody can.”
Tobias starts crying again. “That’s stupid.”
“Yeah. It is.”
“I hate it.”
“You’re allowed.”
“I’m mad. And sad.”
“Be mad. Be sad.”
Tobias wipes his face with the back of his hand. “Walter says boys can cry.”
Something changes in X’s face. “Of course they can.”
“Daddy said boys don’t cry.”
X’s jaw tightens. “Your dad said a lot of stupid shit.” Tobias stares at him. X leans forward. “You miss your mommy, you cry. Anybody has a problem with it, they come talk to me.”
“You’ll fight them?”
“If I have to.”
Something flickers across Tobias’s face. Not happiness. Not even close. But he believes him. Of course he does. Tobias thinks Xander can fight anybody. Maybe today he needs somebody in the world who can.
X looks at him for another second. Then, quietly, “My mommy died too.”
Tobias stills. “Your mommy?”
“Yeah.”
“When?”
“A few months ago. I don’t talk about her much.”
“Why?”