21. Alison #2
X swallows. “Because it hurts.”
“Does it hurt now? Because you’re talking about her?”
“Yeah.”
“Then you can stop.”
X’s face changes. “I know. But I want to.”
“Why?”
“Because you need me to.” Tobias stares at him.
X reaches over and wipes a tear off his cheek.
“It fucking sucks.” Tobias nods immediately.
“You’re gonna miss her. And sometimes you’re gonna be really mad because everybody else is doing normal shit and you don’t understand how they can when your mommy is dead. ”
“Does that happen to you?”
“Yeah.”
“What do you do?”
“Sometimes I cry. Sometimes I get pissed. Sometimes I go see her.”
“Where?”
“Her grave.” X goes quiet. “My mom knew your mom.”
Tobias’s head lifts. “She did? Were they friends?”
“They were.”
Tobias looks at me. I nod. “They were, bug.”
“Mommy knew X’s mommy?”
“Yes.”
His eyes go back to X. “Your mommy liked my mommy? Did my mommy like yours?”
“Yeah. Both.”
Tobias’s mouth trembles. “Then Mommy wouldn’t be with a stranger.” X’s eyes fill.
“No.”
“Will your mommy be nice to her?” X swallows.
“She already was.”
I make a sound I can’t stop. Ryan pulls me against him. Because I remember them. Mom and Adeena. Before. Before everything got so bad.
“My mommy gets scared,” Tobias whispers. “Does yours?”
X shakes his head. “My mom wasn’t scared of much.”
“Mine is.”
Xander’s face breaks. “Then mine can stay with her.” The room goes completely silent.
Tobias stares at him. “How?”
“There’s room beside my mom.” Penny’s hand flies over her mouth. X looks at Tobias. “Your mommy can sleep there. Next to mine. Because they’re friends.”
“Then Mommy won’t be alone? She’ll know somebody?”
“Yeah.”
“Will your mommy know if she’s scared?”
X’s jaw tightens. “I think she will.”
“Will she stay with her? Even if Mommy cries?”
X’s voice breaks. “Especially if she cries.”
Tobias looks at me. “Can she, Ally?”
I can’t answer. Not at first. Ryan’s arm is around me.
His hand is over our baby. I look at Xander.
At Penny crying behind him. At Alice with tears running down her face.
At all these people who knew both of them.
Adeena. Mom. Friends. And for the first time since yesterday, thinking about where they’re going to put my mother’s body doesn’t make me feel like I’m going to be sick.
She would know someone. Someone who knew her before yesterday.
Before the blood. Before Roman took everything he could from her.
“Yeah, bug.” My voice breaks. “I think Mommy would like that.”
Tobias starts crying again. X moves closer, and Tobias reaches for him.
X doesn’t hesitate. Ryan helps shift him carefully off me, and X takes him — just takes him — and Tobias curls against his chest like he’s done it a hundred times, one hand still stretched toward me.
I hold it. X wraps both arms around him.
“Do you go see your mommy?”
“Yeah.”
“Do you talk to her? But she can’t answer.”
“No.”
“Then why?”
X is quiet. “Because she’s still my mommy.”
Tobias’s face crumples. “Do you tell her stuff? Secrets? Sad stuff?”
“Everything. Yeah.”
“Do you cry? At her grave?”
“Sometimes.”
“Do you leave her stuff?”
“Flowers. Things she liked. Things that make me think about her.”
“Can I leave Mommy stuff? Frogs?”
“Especially frogs.”
“Real ones?”
X pauses. “Maybe we start with fake ones.”
Tobias nods seriously. “Okay.”
“Will you go with me?”
“Every time.”
“What if it’s nighttime?”
“We go at night.”
“What if you’re sleeping?”
“Wake me up.”
“What if I’m at school?”
“I’ll come get you and we go.”
Tobias lifts his head. “You’ll leave school? What if you get in trouble?”
“I’ll deal with it.”
“What if you’re with Penny?”
X looks at her. Penny drops down beside him. “Then I’m coming too.”
Tobias looks back at X. “What if you’re doing something important?”
“Doesn’t matter.”
“What if you’re fighting?”
X doesn’t even blink. “Then some asshole gets lucky and I leave.”
Tobias stares at him. Even with his face red and swollen and covered in tears, I see it. That tiny flash of awe. Because of course that’s the one that convinces him. Xander would stop a fight for him.
“Really?”
“Really.”
“What if—“
“Toby.” X adjusts him until Tobias is looking directly at him. “You don’t have to find a reason I won’t come.” Tobias goes still. X sees it. So do I. “There isn’t one.” Tobias’s lip trembles. “Ally has my number. You need your mommy, you tell Ally.”
“I call him,” I whisper.
“And I come.”
“Right away? No matter what?”
“No matter what.”
“What if it’s Christmas?”
“I come.”
“Your birthday?”
“I come.”
“Penny’s birthday?”
Penny nods through her tears. “He goes.” Tobias looks at X again.
“Every time?”
X cups the back of his head. “Every time.”
“Promise?”
Xander doesn’t hesitate. “On my mommy.”
The entire room breaks. Penny bows her head and cries. Alice turns into Gideon’s chest. Kaiden looks away. Danny’s hand covers his mouth. My eyes close. Even Ryan’s breathing catches beside me.
Tobias goes completely still in Xander’s arms. “You promise on your mommy?”
X’s eyes fill. “Yeah.”
Tobias wraps his arms around his neck. X closes his eyes and holds him tighter. “Okay.” The word is tiny. “I love my mommy.”
“I know.”
“Do you love yours?”
X’s face crumples against Tobias’s hair. "More than anything.”
Tobias cries. X holds him. Doesn’t tell him to stop. Doesn’t tell him it’ll be okay. Just holds him.
After a while Tobias whispers, “I still want her. Right now.”
“Yeah.”
“And our mommies will be together.”
“Yeah, little man.”
Tobias looks over at me. “You come too?”
“Every time you want me.”
“And Ryan?”
Ryan squeezes my hand. “Wouldn’t miss it.”
“Penny?”
“Always.”
Tobias looks around the room. At all of us. Then his face folds again. “What if I forget her? What if I forget what Mommy sounds like?”
“You won’t.”
“But what if I do?”
“We’ll remind you.”
“Who?”
X rubs his back. “Everybody. There’s too many of us.”
Tobias looks at him.
X nods toward the room. “Look.”