Chapter Thirty-Three #2
“How was it protective for her mentor to teach her this?” Cirrin asks.
“Your grandmother was clearly a risk taker,” Varic says, addressing me while answering Cirrin’s query.
“As she must have had experience practicing this herself to know how to teach you. The question remains as to how she was able to do so without detection, and why she chose to teach you the same. Meaning, she must have had some way of knowing your use of force magic would be undetectable, and she had the intuition to teach you a skill which could prevent you from overexerting yourself with all you would be required to do in mitigating the Emperor’s mood.
This is assuming you were young when she began your training, based on the level of ability you seem to possess. ”
Nodding, I consider this and begin rewriting my history with his unexpected revision.
“She began almost immediately, so I would have still been six years old.”
His eyes widen with the unnatural brightness returning, striking my heart every time they flit to mine. “Fuck. That’s—your grandmother was certainly bold, and she must have trusted you beyond a shadow of a doubt, because there are myriad reasons we are made to wait until we are much older—”
“How much older?”
He sways his head to each side, conveying his concentration. “Usually around fourteen, though some of us are permitted to begin training in mental warding as young as twelve.”
“Great, one more thing to set me apart from my peers, with having excelled at this skill earlier than usual.”
“What peers?” Lars asks, as I turn and pin him with a glare. He quirks a brow. “What? It’s no secret you didn’t have any.”
I force out a huff of breath and turn back to Varic. “So what does this mean?”
“We need time to test your abilities in a controlled environment before you try anything.”
I can’t help but scoff. “Even though I have more years of practice and a higher proficiency, you are the one to determine how and when I utilize it?”
“The skill you claim to be unable to use in my presence, while also somehow doing something no being is known to be capable of while unconscious?” Varic juts his chin out in emphasis.
“Yes. Since you attempting to use force magic without knowing why it behaves differently is a huge risk to your safety and ours, I insist we wait until we can learn more without causing anyone harm.”
“What are you so scared could happen? I’m not blasting or obliterating. It’s in my own mind. I don’t understand how that could hurt anyone.”
“Have you ever noticed your fingers tingling when you feel angry?”
My chest constricts with the distinct recollection of moments where it felt like bolts of energy coursed underneath my palms or fingertips with the itch to hit something, or to expel it.
I lift my gaze to meet his in understanding, and he releases a breath, as if he expected this, yet is disappointed to learn it is true.
“I was so tired that night,” Varic explains.
“I could barely keep my eyes open, yet Minacia’s forces would not relent, so neither could I.
Feeling the pressure to push myself past my limits—and for what?
To please a superior officer? To keep from being admonished, or in avoidance of some slightly worse consequence? ”
Biting my lip, I consider him and land on assurance. “I understand. Thank you for explaining. I didn’t mean for you to have to bring up—”
His expression halts my speech as it conveys everything.
So heartened, I can’t take any more; I tear my gaze away to study the sheet clenched between my fingers.
Needing to put my mind on something else, I send my magic to check on the rest of my Guards, and my heart drops with the level of agitation they’re all hiding beneath the surface.
“I can sense you all fading. You’re exhausted and need rest,” I say to dismissive grunts.
“We maintain our vow,” Varic commands, so set on endangering us all should another attack occur. It’s ridiculous to maintain a promise which was not forged with the understanding of the stakes we are facing—stoking a fire in me I have no hope of extinguishing.
Rising to sit, I turn to him and lean in for emphasis.
“You would damn us all with your loyalty to a vow which does nothing to benefit us in our current situation.” His expression remains unchanged, with one eye open beneath a quirked brow goading me.
“The vow was written under the assumption we would have access to resources needed for you to remain awake without consequence to your power. Having the strongest sorcerers in my detail only makes sense when you can access it. Having five Guards with significantly decreased and depleted energy is not safe. For any of us.”
A shriek of surprise leaps from my chest when Varic jolts upright with the same ferocity I had. Chest heaving as he moves closer. I drop my gaze to his lips, proving to be no less intimidating, while staring at his hands does nothing but conjure memories brought on by his mere existence.
“You are not the one responsible for making decisions regarding your safety.”
My eyes narrow. “No need to remind me, Imperial Lead Guard Varic. I am acutely aware of my total lack of agency.” I shove the covers down and off my legs while bolts of pain radiate from the soles of my feet and up through my calves, doing nothing to stop me as I move to stand on the hardwood floor.
“I have always been under the control of another. So I agree. I have never once been the one to determine anything related to my safety, just as I have never had my thoughts, feelings, or needs taken seriously.” Stars burst in my vision as I step away from the bed.
“You need not remind me of how powerless the Emperor has made me,” I snap, rounding the footboard, as Varic’s cheeks drain of all the color that rest had finally restored. “I thought you were different.”
His face falls, and I rush across the small room to the open doorway of the bathing chamber, running from the need to both acknowledge and repair the impact of my sudden outburst. My hands shake when I grasp hold of the door and barely move to close it before my lungs force out a guttural growl from the streak of red announcing Lars’ appearance as he stands just within the threshold of the small bathing chamber.