Chapter 24
I can’t help but smile when I walk into the station.
My body might be tired and wrung out, but it is aching in all the right ways.
I can still feel Elena’s teeth, fingers, and mouth all over my body, with every step I take.
But taking the time to focus on the interview was the wise decision.
Even if I had not liked it in the moment.
When I got home and sat down, the realization of the situation dawned on me. I have seriously crossed the line and that feeling still gnaws at me. Even if it cannot overshadow the joy I feel spreading through my body when I remember all those kisses, those bites, the look in her eyes… I shudder.
Tommy greets me with a bright smile and rushes over to open the door for me. I smile back at him and make a mental note to get him something nice tomorrow. Maybe a croissant or something.
“Hey, Maya,” he beams. “How’s it going? Is Gonzales easing up on you already?”
His eyebrows wiggle up and down, and I have to suppress a laugh. She has eased up on me alright, but that is not something I can say here at her workplace. So instead I just nod my head slightly.
“Yeah, we are making it work.”
His grin grows bigger.
“Knew there was a softy under there somewhere. How much longer are you staying?”
His question startles me. Not because I didn’t expect him to ask it, but because the sudden feeling in the pit of my stomach is so overwhelming, that I have to reach for the doorframe to keep myself steady.
“Whoa there, are you okay?”
Tommy’s hand supports me by my elbow, before I can slump down. I nod weakly at him as I try to push the feeling away. What the hell, Maya?
“Sorry, I still have to eat,” I stammer apologetically. “Let me go and take care of that.”
He nods and lets go of my arm reluctantly. I don’t give him any chances to reconsider, and rush inside. A few steps down the corridor, I press my back against the wall and catch my breath. What is going to happen when my time here comes to an end?
***
Elena is already propped up at the table with a steaming cup of black coffee in front of her. For a moment her pupils dilate when she sees me, but when she returns my smile it doesn’t quite reach her eyes. I frown and study her face for a moment, but she only looks at me softly.
“Are you going to stand there all day?”
She quirks an eyebrow and slightly dips her chin. The movement is almost like a dare and it instantly makes me grin. I pull the chair back and plop down on it.
“Of course not. We have work to do before we get to play,” I tease lightly.
I see the corner of her lip curl, but it’s gone almost just as quickly. She nods and straightens her spine, the softness draining from her face now. She is slipping back behind that cold and decisive mask that fits with the lieutenant side of her, the one that keeps her alive during hard times.
“Let’s hear it,” she says with a clipped tone that makes my insides freeze.
I frown and look at her again. Her gaze doesn’t leave my face, she is not acting any different, but something still doesn’t add up.
Maybe she regrets everything now that she sees you.
Oh, fuck. What if she does? Or worse, what if she had not wanted me to leave yesterday and feels betrayed that I did?
Or… don’t go there, Maya. What if she thinks I took advantage of her while she was at her weakest. Shit.
“Are we… okay?” I whisper, suddenly hoarse.
“Of course we are, why wouldn’t we be?”
Elena’s voice is steady and warm. There is no malice, no indignation, nothing that indicates that she is upset with me.
What if it was just a one-night thing? Enough with the what-ifs!
I shake my head and clear my throat, before I whip out my voice recorder.
I look at her again for confirmation and she nods once. Solid.
“Okay, here we go then.”
I press the record button and the red light starts glowing.
From my peripheral vision, I see Elena stiffen.
She still hates this part, and with the questions I’ve prepared I’m not going to make things easier.
The first question will be direct and cutting, but honest. Maybe it borders too close to personal, but I would have even asked it if we weren’t… what are we exactly?
I swallow again. Not asking it would do us both a disservice.
We need to keep it professional if we want to keep our jobs, right?
I press my nails deeply into my palms and will myself to focus.
I am a professional for crying out loud.
I’ve written statement pieces on strong women ruling the world.
This is what I am good at, and I need to trust myself.
I can’t just risk my career, not when I’ve worked so hard to get here.
Helen might hate me, but she knows I am the best. That’s why she wanted to give me this second chance.
If I play my cards right, I might be sitting in her seat ten years from now—and I very much want to be in that seat.
I take in a deep breath, and look at Elena.
“Last time we spoke about the importance of keeping a cool head, and I saw it first-hand soon after. What does it do to you, living with that stress?”
Elena squints her eyes for a moment and I see something flicker behind them.
It makes my breath stutter and I instantly wish I could take it back.
No. That would be even more unethical. You said you could remain unbiased.
So, do it! I hold my tongue. After what seems like forever, Elena leans forward a little bit.
“It takes its toll. Physically it drains me. I have muscle spasms, my sleeping schedule is disrupted,” she pauses for a moment and my heart skips a beat, “and everything aches all the time. Mentally, it’s not something you can prepare for.
We live for our work. To do good out there.
When we fail–when I fail–it comes at a great cost. There is not a day that goes by where I don’t mourn those who I couldn’t save. ”
I blink for a moment. I’ve never heard Elena speak so elaborately before.
Her tone is even, maybe slightly cool, but her words are honest. I can sense that.
And it confuses me. Not because I don’t want to hear the answers, but because it feels like it creates a divide between us.
The woman in front of me doesn’t even resemble the person who held me safe in her arms, warm and sheltered.
And that scares me. Stay professional. What did she say last? Oh, right.
“So, how do you keep doing it?”
Her lips curl slightly, almost condescending. What is going on?
“By remembering that for every life I lose, I get to save twenty others.”
She stares at me now, lips pressed together.
“And you have saved many lives,” my heart rate speeds up as I line up the next question. “So many, that you are actually a decorated firefighter. You were rewarded for your swift actions that saved hundreds of people during the fires of 2016. How does that make you feel?”
She scoffs and softly shakes her head. Her fingers curling around her mug as if it is grounding her.
The muscle in her jaw ticks and I instinctively reach out my hand to put it on hers.
Her fingers feel warm under my touch and she freezes for a moment, breathing in deeply and then running her thumb over mine.
She closes her eyes, and then she withdraws.
When she opens her eyes again, her jaw is tense and the mask is back in place.
My throat bobs at the sight of it. What is going on here?
Elena opens her mouth to speak to me, but I raise my hand and turn off the voice recorder.
“No,” I say while shaking my head.
“No?” Her voice is low and confused. “Isn’t this what you wanted?”
I shake my head again, my eyes brimming with tears now. Every cell in my body tells me something is wrong. Not because Elena is cold or cruel, but because she is distant, like I am just somebody she works with. Am I? I thought there was more but maybe I read too much into this.
“No,” I say again, my throat tight. “Something is wrong. What is it, El? Talk to me, please.”
I reach out my hand, but she leans back into her chair and looks at me. Something flashes behind her eyes that I can’t quite name. Is it anger, fear, desperation?
“Please, Elena, say something.”
Her frown deepens and she shakes her head, as if trying to convince herself more than anything else.
“Nothing is wrong, Maya. Why would there be?”
“Elena…” I breathe, my voice breaking.
“I said nothing is wrong,” she snaps.
She pushes her chair back with such force that it topples over, the clattering sound making me flinch.
Her hands are balled into fists now and there is nothing left of that fake serene look she had on earlier.
This is the lieutenant I know. The woman with the raging passion and the blazing eyes.
And even though the fire is now aimed at me, I finally feel something inside me relax.
“Is it because of what happened?” I try, but instantly regret it.
Her whole body goes taut and her jaw snaps shut. Her hands tremble now and her breathing becomes more rapid.
“Maya,” she hisses, her tone a warning.
“Maya what?” I keep pushing now, unable to stop myself. “You are so hot and cold, Elena. One moment it feels like we are so connected, and then the other you just shut me out as if I am nothing. You are giving me whiplash.” I exhale.
Elena looks at me as if I struck her. Her mouth catches in a gasp and her brow furrows closer.
Her mask falls and for a brief moment I see a flash of hurt.
Then she turns on her heels and strides away.
She is already at the bottom of the stairs when my brain registers what is happening and I push after her.
How did this suddenly turn into something I did wrong?
We spoke so intimately all weekend, what changed?
Her strides are so strong and fast, that I have to run to keep up with her.
“Elena wait,” I cry out, but she ignores me completely.
It isn’t until she reaches the dressing rooms that I get close enough to grab her arm.
The moment my fingers touch her skin, she halts.
The movement is so sudden that I crash into her and nearly tip over.
Her strong hands grab me tight to prevent me from falling, and I see a flash of worry cross her face.
I stare at her, bewildered. Elena blinks and withdraws her hands as if she just burned herself.
The motion feels like a gut punch and I gasp for air. How could I have been such a fool?
“You think I took advantage of you,” I exhale hoarsely, before backing away from her.
My chest is tight and I can feel my hands shake. What on earth have I done? I went to her house on the day she needed a friend, only to exploit her weakest moment. Not with that intention, never… but still.
“What? No. No!”
Elena rushes forward to grab my shoulders again. This time to steady me mentally.
“No, Maya. I don’t regret anything,” she whispers softly now, almost tender.
“Then why… why are you pushing me away?” I choke out.
“I… I am not, Maya. We are at work. We need to be professional.”
“We’re professional. That doesn’t mean you can’t let me be close. Unless, that’s not what you want. God, Elena, if you need me to stay away from you…”
“No!”
Her panicked reply comes out as a strangled cry and her eyes widen. Her fingers dig deep into my skin now and the muscle in her jaw rolls more than once. My heart feels like it is dying in my chest, aching for her, but I don’t know if I should reach out or not.
“Then what do you want, El?” I whisper.
And as the question falls from my lips, my heart splits in two. It already knows that this is a moment that will define everything. I just don’t know if I am ready for that.