Chapter 30
My heart pounds when the door slams behind us. For a brief moment I can’t move. ‘People are talking… rumors of you two being engaged…’ The Chief’s words echo in my head, drowning out all sounds other than my pulse. God, what have I done? What have I gotten myself into? Us? Maya…
I look up to see that she is already halfway down the corridor.
Her shoulders are tense, her posture rigid, as if it is the only thing that keeps her going right now.
Every instinct I have is to chase her. To pull her into my arms and tell her how sorry I am.
That it is all going to be alright. I call out before I can stop myself.
“Maya…”
For a breath she pauses, but she doesn’t turn.
Before I can even move, her boots bounce off the cold tile again.
My stomach turns and my insides twist as I see her walk away.
I run my hand over my face and taste the ash in my mouth.
This can’t be happening right now. Not now that we just found each other.
I finally snap out of it and move, my hand already outstretched.
I saw the hurt in her eyes when I denied our relationship.
I saw the words land like a slap in the face.
I saw how cold, flat, and wounded she had looked.
Dazed almost. It is the most terrifying thing I’ve ever seen…
and I caused it. But as my hand reaches for her, I also feel the weight of the uniform pressing on my back.
This isn’t just about me. This is about my crew.
About Rodriques, Fernandes, Rivera, and Díaz.
Every move I make will affect them. One wrong move and they will burn with me.
Divided into different crews, having to rebuild their connections, maybe even relocate.
I can’t do that to them. I won’t. My hand drops next to me and for a moment it seems like Maya’s step falters, but then she slips around the corner and I am left here standing alone.
Maya doesn’t even glance at me as she pushes past me to go “work on her article.” The look on her face, hard and cold, is unlike any I have ever seen on her. It feels like a gut punch. I see the way Fernandes and Díaz look at us—like they already know. Do they?
“Hey, Carter? You okay?”
Fernandes chases after her when I don’t, sending a confused and almost accusatory look my way. Another gut punch as the guilt gnaws at me immediately. This crew, these people, they are my family. They would never betray me like that. I know that. But if not them, then who?
“Yes, I just got chewed out by my editor earlier.”
Maya’s voice sounds so nonchalant it almost makes me sway.
“Something about spending too much time with you lot instead of really changing the world.”
She gives Rosa a wink and receives a playful shove against her shoulder.
“Careful,” I growl between my clenched teeth, but Fernandes has already stepped back. Her gaze flicks over mine shortly, before returning to Maya.
“See you tomorrow then?”
“I’ll let you know. Don’t wait up for me, though.” With that, she turns around and walks away.
The words knock the wind right out of my lungs. Is she not coming back? She can’t do that. She can’t just… Can you really blame her, though? A frustrated growl falls from my lips and I move to follow her. An iron hand grabs my arm, holding me in place.
“Let her go, Gonzales. She needs to be alone right now.”
Díaz’s words are only for me, but my cheeks burn as if the whole world heard him.
He knows. They all know. Of course they do.
Except for Rivera, this crew has known me since I first set foot in this station.
They have seen me grieve, love, fight, cry, and become the best possible version of myself.
How could I have thought that they wouldn’t notice? Why haven’t they stopped me?
The ache in my chest burns so deep that I want to press my nails inside it to claw the pain out.
To scrape at the raw edges that slice into my feelings.
I want to remove everything that makes me feel present in this moment.
And at the same time, I can’t bring myself to want to erase my time with Maya.
I let out a strangled sob before I can press my hand against my mouth.
Shrugging off Díaz’s hand, I make my way to the dressing room.
He is right. Maya needs to be alone right now and so do I.
It’s for the better. But who the fuck am I kidding anymore?
I can barely recognize the reflection staring back at me. It is my face, yes. My mouth, nose, hair, skin, and even my eyes—yet it barely looks like me. Gone is my composure. Instead I look haunted and hurt. Because you are, El. El… fuck.
I slam my fist so hard against the wall that my knuckles split open on the impact.
I growl and stare at the smear of blood for a moment, before pushing myself away.
How could I have let it come so far? Why hadn’t we been more careful?
Because going behind everybody’s back would have made you feel so much better…
No, Maya knows how much this job means to me.
She must have known that I would… betray her?
…choose my career. Even the thought feels wrong now.
Wry and sour. Because I did betray her. I did discard her as if she meant nothing to me.
No matter how often I’ve told myself I would never let a woman come between me and my job, it is the last thing I want to believe right now.
The words seem nothing more than a cruel taunt of fate.
But what about my crew, my family? Rivera is finally confident enough to call what he sees.
Even if I missed it. Fernandes can’t go anywhere, not while her abuela is still here.
She would rather give up her job than be relocated.
And Díaz and Rodriques both have young kids in schools here.
If I act, it would not only uproot Maya and my life, but that of my team as well.
Yet… I still feel Díaz’s hand burn on my bicep and I know they wouldn’t even blame me for a single second.
I shake my head and run my hand over my face.
The warm sticky feeling against my skin makes me blink and groan.
I turn on the faucet and clean up as best as I can, before straightening my shoulders.
There is no way in hell that I am going to betray the people who risk their lives for me on the daily.
Just as I know they would do nothing to betray me.
Ever. But if they didn’t tell Salisar, then who did?
The question haunts me all through the rest of my shift.
I even silently thank the gods that it is my last day on paper duty, because getting out there right now would be a serious risk.
Fernandes checks in with me when they are between two calls, but doesn’t ask.
She knows I won’t answer. Still, her care warms me.
It keeps me from pulling out my own hair or raking my nails down my face.
One moment I think I should go to Maya, the other moment I tell myself to let it end here and now.
No reason for us to get hurt even more. But should I not give this a try?
It was already dead before it began. No…
I’ve never felt more alive. I need to fix this.
As the last seconds tick away, I scramble for my keys. The guys don’t even complain as I rush down the stairs. I don’t even bother changing into my civvies, but grab my jacket and rush out the door. Straight into Torres’s chest.
“Calm down there, tiger. On your way to your girlfriend?”
He grins deviously as he stretches the word. The realization hits me. The answer to the question that has tortured me all day.
“You,” I hiss venomously. “It was fucking you.”
“What the fuck are you going on about?”
The smirk drops from his face so fast, it is almost comical. It would have been if it hadn’t been for that look on Maya’s face. If it hadn’t been my fucking career on the line. If it wasn’t my crew who would suffer under his gossip.
“You are the one who told Salisar. Do you have any idea what you have fucking done?”
Torres frowns at me and shakes his head in disbelief. He moves to push past me, but I put my palm against his chest and shove him hard. He stumbles back a few paces, and stares at me with dark eyes.
“Gonzales, what the actual fuck?”
“You know, it’s one thing to fuck with me, Torres. I know you despise me and the feeling is absolutely mutual. But to go for her?” My voice cracks at the last word as I think of Maya’s hurt. “That’s low, even for a scumbag like you.”
“Get a grip, woman. You are loco.”
He spits the word and tries to push past me again.
“And she isn’t exactly innocent, either.”
The way he tilts his chin when he speaks about Maya makes me snarl.
His eyes widen slightly at the sight and he tries to step back.
Too late. My fist makes contact with the corner of his mouth and his head snaps to the side.
My knuckles scrape the sharp edges of his teeth and immediately start to bleed again, but this time I ignore it.
“Don’t you dare to speak about her like that,” I pant.
Torres looks up at me with something other than shock in his eyes. Surprise, awe, I don’t even know. All I know is that when I move forward toward him, a strong arm pulls me back and slams me into the wall.
“Enough!”
Rivera’s voice booms over the parking lot as he presses his hand against my shoulder to pin me in place.
“That is quite enough now, Elena. Pull yourself together and go home. And you,” he glances back over his shoulder to Torres. “Get your ass inside.”
Torres wipes his mouth with the back of his hand while muttering something about crazy bitches before stepping inside. I stare at the man who was my rookie only mere months ago. And he stares right back at me. Not with disapproval, anger, or judgment, but with something softer. Care.
“We know you’re hurting right now, Elena,” his voice soft and warm, “but you can’t go around hitting people in the parking lot. That’s not you, lieutenant. That’s not you.”
He smacks my shoulder gently, but the worry in his eyes doesn’t disappear.
“I’ll talk to Torres, you just get yourself home. Okay, boss?”
I nod and watch him as he walks back inside.
I press my back harder against the cold wall, lean my head against it, and close my eyes.
A shiver runs through my body, now that the adrenaline is wearing off.
I haven’t had such a terrible day since…
since I lost Cruz. There is only one place I want to go to right now. And it isn’t home.