Chapter 34
Thursday, a day I’d never forget.
A student from my study group invited some of us to stop by her father’s firm to inquire about internships.
I went along. I had no interest in the internships, being for a law firm and all, but it was a chance to get off campus.
A chance to be closer to Luke. A chance I couldn’t pass to be seeing the same skyline he would be seeing.
A chance that ended with heartbreak.
Epiphanies could be sparked by anything, even unrelated topics, I’d bet, but this one I couldn’t deny was surprising. The roots had been digging deep and spreading for some time. It was those I hadn’t exactly been aware of. Or at least, I hadn’t given much brain power to think about.
So became my epiphany: I had to let Luke go.
The second the decision was made, I hated it.
Why? Why did I need to give him up? Why couldn’t I be happy with seeing him and not touching him when I would be able to later?
When the curtains were drawn, when the lights were low, when no one was the wiser except him and me, the only people that mattered, I could release my heart to him.
That should be enough. That could sustain me.
That was a lie.
It wouldn’t sustain me, but not for any selfish reason.
I wasn’t a naturally selfish person. How could I be with a family so large and sharing everything I’d ever owned? I could share this. I could be Luke’s in private and let go in public.
So, what was this about-face, this one-eighty, this future-altering twist I hadn’t seen coming?
What was this problem I couldn’t solve with a well-intentioned story about a cousin?
The answer, so simple and so complicated it stole my breath, my words, was the very real, soul-wrenching pain on Luke’s face.
As clear as if it had been written in flashing letters, Luke wanted to reach for me, acknowledge me, but couldn’t or wouldn’t.
Whatever it was, whatever his reason or conclusion, it had caused him pain.
And I couldn’t do that to him. I couldn’t be a point of constant shame or self-doubt.
I wouldn’t allow myself to be the reason Luke learned to hate himself.
He’d made a choice, a choice to keep his sexuality a secret. I respected that. I wouldn’t ask him to change for me. I wouldn’t demand his submission in this.
Now, I had made a choice, a choice to help him keep his.
Luke texted me Thursday night. Something innocuous, something safe and vague.
I hadn’t answered right away. Not because I was avoiding him, but I’d been a wreck, deep in my head.
Eventually, I messaged him saying I was heading home—home to Hickory Bend a lot sooner than expected—but would see him Sunday for our breakfast date.
He’d left me alone after that, saying he’d give me time with my family.
I couldn’t be sure without tone, and maybe I was projecting, but we’d always been so in sync before. Did he feel this? Did he know what was coming?
Friday after classes ended, I left campus. There weren’t many times in my life I’d gone to Momma for comfort. I’d been too busy giving comfort to everyone else, but today wasn’t like any other day.
Dinner was over by the time I got there. Momma was cleaning the kitchen when I walked through the back door.
“Asher?” she said with surprise. Whatever was written on my face, she read completely. “Oh, sweetie.”
Momma laid her dish towel on the counter and enveloped me in her arms.
I broke. I cracked. I split and let the tears fall.
I shuddered against her shoulder. Taller than her for several years, in this moment, like this, she held me, supported me, swaying from side to side until every part of me I kept so tense hurt to match the pain already overwhelming my heart.
“Wanna talk about it?” she asked eventually.
I nodded against her neck, but it took me a few minutes, a few more choked sobs, until I could tell her: “I’m in love with him.”
“Ash, shh,” she soothed when I cried again. “It’ll be okay, sweetie. Shh, now.”
“I can’t be with him,” I said through hiccups.
“Says who?”
“Me.”
“I’ve never known you to make a poor decision,” she said, immediately supporting my choice.
“Then why does it hurt so much?”
When I quieted, when my eyes were too swollen to cry anymore, Momma led me to the living room. No one was around, so either Ben had made them leave, or we’d been standing in the kitchen for longer than I figured.
Momma wrapped a threadbare quilt around my shoulders. It had been my great-grandmother’s, and we called it the comforter, like a warm hug from all our family. Momma knew Luke was closeted, so when she settled beside me, I jumped right in with how I wouldn’t be the focal point of that pain.
“That was a hard decision to make, but I agree, it was the right one,” Momma said.
“I don’t want it to be, though.” To my disbelief, my eyes welled up again. “Why won’t he come out?” I asked, knowing there was no answer to be found.
“I won’t even try to guess at that, and I think you know he has his reasons.”
“Stupid reasons,” I grumbled. Childish, but I couldn’t seem to help it. Better to get it out now than when I faced him again. And I would face him. I wasn’t about to break up over text or ghost him. Luke deserved my best, my respect. Luke deserved everything I had to give, the good and the painful.
“Will you give him a choice in this, or are you dead set?”
“I’m dead set, but do you think I should?”
Momma shook her head. “I can’t answer that.” She wrapped her arm around me outside the blanket and tucked me under her shoulder.
“Did I ever tell you why I never married your daddy?”
I shook my head.
“Well, I know it ain’t the same, but there came a point where I had to make a choice myself or give it to him.
I loved him, your daddy. He was a fine man, had a determined head on his shoulders, but he was reckless too.
He worked hard for every cent he had, but he played too hard, too risky.
He promised me the moon, but I didn’t need the moon.
He promised me the world, but I didn’t need that either.
What I needed was a man who would prove his words, who’d be there when I needed him.
“For too long, I kept giving him the choice. I told him time and time again to follow through, prove his pretty words weren’t just words.
I waited so long I got you and Nathan out of it, and I’ll never regret that.
But eventually, I decided to take back the choice.
I had to do what was right for me, and it wasn’t him. ”
Momma kissed the side of my head. “I won’t try to tell you I know what you’re going through.
I can tell you I had a hard choice to make, like you do, and when I made it, as tough as it was, I owned it.
And because I owned it, because it was my choice, it didn’t make it hurt less, but it made it easier to stand behind it. To see it through.”
“Do you miss him?” I asked.
“No. Not at all. He and I weren’t right for each other. At the time, it was hard to see it, but I think everything happens for a reason. Maybe the only point of he and I together was to make you and your brother.” She hugged me tighter. “The world is a better place with you and him in it.”
I grinned and buried my face against her. “Thanks, Momma.”
“You stayin’ the night?”
“Can I?”
“Of course, sugar. You know you can. You know you always can. No matter how old you get, this is home when you need it.”
Everyone was happy to see me the next morning. We made it an impromptu family day, all of us spending it together. Surrounded by them, by the ease of them, the comfort, I refilled my batteries.
I left before the sun rose on Sunday to make it to breakfast with Luke by nine. The whole trip, I wondered what he thought of our chance sighting, if he would break up with me first, realizing this couldn’t work. Then I fretted over what I would say.
The three hours passed in a blink, and before I was ready, I parked at the little bakery. Luke was already here. He got out of his Range Rover as my old Civic rattled a new and concerning sound when I shut it off.
“Hey.” Luke smiled, and I was as awestruck as ever at how handsome he was. His blue eyes seemed brighter today, his hair shinier. His smile lifted his entire expression and made him stand taller.
Or perhaps I was memorizing everything about him to take with me, to never forget.
“Good visit with your family?”
I nodded, then tilted my head to the bakery.
Luke cleared his throat and turned for the door.
This was awkward in ways it’d never been between us. Even from the first moment we met, something had sizzled in the air, something that brought us closer. Now, that something had evaporated, leaving us gasping on fumes. The tension was so uncomfortable, I wanted to run from it.
I picked over my food, unable to eat a bite. My stomach churned dangerously. If I made it through this without fighting, crying, or caving, I would have a new respect for myself.
Luke tried to engage me in conversation. When that failed, he apologized for that afternoon, the catalyst that burned my world to the ground, saying little more than “I’m sorry.”
I accepted it with a nod, but it changed nothing.
“Let’s go outside,” he finally said.
He knew.
Luke grabbed our coffees, mine untouched, and told our waitress we were moving to the patio, to the tables they kept there, even though everyone was inside due to the cold temperatures.
We resettled, and I didn’t wait any longer. “Luke, I’m sorry,” I said.
He nodded and glanced at his coffee.
“I don’t wanna do this.”
He snapped his gaze to mine with a flash of anger in it. “Then why are you?”
“You’re amazing. So amazing. Too amazing.”
“And that’s utter bullshit.” He gritted his teeth until his jaw muscles ticked wildly. “You don’t break up with someone because they’re amazing.”
“You’re wrong.” I firmed my own jaw and cursed the tears threatening to fall. “You are amazing, and I won’t be the person who dims you, who drags you down.”
“What are you talking about? Christ, you sound like my mother right now. Did you speak to her?”
“What? No.”
Luke reached toward me, going for my hands in my lap, but stopped, threading his fingers around his coffee mug instead. “You’re everything to me, Asher. I don’t understand.”
I huffed and angrily swiped at the uncontrollable emotions leaking out of my eyes. “I had days to think about this, and I’m fuckin’ it up.”
“Days? So this is about what happened Thursday. Asher.” He sat forward. “I’m sorry, okay? I freaked from shock. I don’t know what else to say. I shouldn’t have ignored you. That was wrong of me.”
I shook my head. “And if you hadn’t ignored me? Would you’ve said hello? Would you’ve said nice to see me as if we were acquaintances?”
“I don’t—”
“Luke, I don’t want to cause you pain. I don’t want to cause you to doubt yourself or to shame you.”
“You don’t!”
“Are you sure? Because that’s exactly what was on your face. You were afraid. You were hurting, and it shredded me. I won’t be the cause of that. You’ll hate me. I’ll poison you as your parents have, just in other ways.”
“No.”
“Luke.” I closed my eyes. “I respect you. I admire all you’ve done. I love how you treat me and your easy smiles. And because of that, I won’t be a burden to you.”
“I’m coming out.”
I opened my eyes and blinked, trying to read between his words for the truth of it.
“I am. I-I’ve been making these plans, getting things right in my head first, but I will. I’m coming out.”
“Luke,” I breathed.
“You don’t believe me?”
“I want to.” I waited for more, his claims or proof, but when nothing came, I added, “I want to believe you’re comin’ out to be true to yourself. I want to believe the next time I’m with you and your parents, you won’t stand by while they insult me for things outside of my control.”
“Fuck.” His face paled. “I did that.”
“I’m sorry I brought that up. It’s not why I’m doin’ this. I need a break, I think. I’ve had so much fun with you, but I need time to think about what I’m doing to you.”
Again, he reached for me, with both hands, then dropped them and rubbed his palms on his trousers. “What you’re doing to me? You’re showing me how to live again, how to breathe, how to be me. That’s what you’re doing.”
Pretty words, like my daddy had given Momma. All the chances she’d given my sperm donor to prove he was more than talk. How many had I given Luke? How many more would I?
None.
Our stories weren’t the same, but like her, I would take control of mine.
I stood, and it wasn’t lost on me how similar this was to that night when I walked out on Luke, then dressed as Ashley, and now … Maybe that was when I should’ve made this choice, when I might have saved my heart from shattering.
“You know, it’s true what they say. If you love somethin’, set it free.” I sniffed and wiped my cheek with the back of my hand. “This is me settin’ you free, because I love you too much to keep you in a cage of fear and doubts.”
I swiped at my eyes again, tears and words pouring faster.
“I can’t tell you what to do, but I hope you’ll do as you said.
I hope you’ll take control of your life and stop lettin’ your parents influence you in the ways you hate.
But do it for yourself, Luke. I don’t wanna influence you either.
If without me, you still want to come out, to be true to yourself, then you’ll know it’s real, right? ”
I tried for a smile, but it only made more tears fall. One dripped off my chin, and a chill settled in my bones.
“Then I’ll know it’s real,” I whispered.
“Is this an ultimatum? Come out or else?”
I flinched. “And that right there shows me we ain’t on the same page.
” I put my hands on the table and leaned closer.
“I know I’m young, and I don’t have your Ivy League education, but I’ll dumb this up for you.
I just told you I loved you, and you didn’t even blink.
I just told you I’m rippin’ my heart to pieces for you, and you make accusations.
You’re so deep in your head, this’ll end badly for me.
So for now, I’m gonna back off. I’ve got to save myself. ”
I straightened and stepped away as Luke remained seated, mouth gaping.
“I hope you find the inner peace you deserve. I hope you let the Luke inside you, the one you’ve kept chained and alone, have a chance at life.”
He didn’t stop me when I walked away. He didn’t call out.
He didn’t text me that night or the next day.
Is it really over? my heart screamed.
And in my mind, when reality should’ve said yes, it only bowed its head and turned away, not wanting to admit it either.