17. Having That Guilt
HAVING THAT GUILT
“Mom.” She was pacing in her apartment three hours later. Not an easy feat either with as small as the place was. “I’m not going to do anything stupid.”
“Skye. Just communicating in the first place was stupid.”
“I’m not one to shy away from anything.” She ignored her mother’s snort. “And for all I knew it was someone lying about who they were. They still could be.”
“That’s right. All the more reason to ignore it.”
“It’s my job to follow up on leads.”
“Don’t give me that crap. Your job is to turn gibberish into readable material for the common person. Maybe it’s boring.”
“It is.”
“But it’s safe,” her mother argued.
“Being a freelance reporter is safe too,” she said. “For the most part.”
“Really?” The sarcasm coming through the phone almost peeled her skin back. “You think it’s safe to race to the scene of some fire at all hours of the day and night?”
“I’m not racing anywhere.”
“I taught you how to drive. You are.”
Not a lie. “You know why I’m doing it. It’s going to help me with my book.”
“Did you start your book yet?”
“No,” she admitted. “I haven’t had time.”
“Are you sure you’re not using that as an excuse to do what you are?”
Her lips twisted in frustration. “I’m not using anything as an excuse. I needed more information.”
“Information you could have just asked me at any point. I would have told you the truth. Do you think your father and I haven’t seen that fire report?”
Her feet halted. Her heart not only stopped racing but almost sank to the floor. “You have? Why?”
“Because we wanted to. We needed to know everything we could about what happened that night. We didn’t know if it’d help you adjust or if you’d have questions, but you didn’t. Or not much.”
She’d listened to what they’d said to her about what happened, but she was too busy grieving the loss of everything she’d known in her life.
Not the loss of love she’d never gotten. Or the possessions that had strings attached. A cluttered home she took care of more than her parents did.
But the loss of just the life that she’d lived.
What her future was going to hold. Where she’d end up.
On top of that, she was healing from a broken leg that needed surgery.
She was in a stranger’s house that was much bigger and nicer than anywhere she’d been in her life.
A classmate of hers and that was uncomfortable to navigate.
But somehow she had.
And in that time, she healed in a lot of ways, and asking more about what happened the night her world changed felt like a betrayal when she was already feeling both comfort and the guilt for having that guilt in her life.
“Everything was happening so fast back then. It took me years to start thinking. Or to wonder.”
“And you could have asked and you didn’t.
You just recently brought it up but didn’t do it in the context of wanting to know the truth.
You asked if we remembered anything else.
That’s it. If you’d asked me if I ever saw the report, if I thought maybe it was wrong at any point, I could have saved you years of wondering. I’m hurt you didn’t trust me enough.”
Just great. Even more guilt on her shoulders.
“Don’t take it that way. I just didn’t know if you would have that information and it didn’t seem like that big of a deal.”
Which was a lie she was positive Carrie Lancaster saw right through.
But her adopted mother wouldn’t call her out on it.
“Now you need to be careful. The police are going to look into it.”
“I asked Tate if he’d let me know what they find out or not. They don’t want me writing an article on it though. Not that I was contacted.”
“That’s right,” her mother said firmly. “This is more about safety, not getting press. That isn’t your job and you know it. Don’t turn it into that either.”
It’d never been her plan to. She didn’t even understand why the person made the comment about her having a new career.
Unless she was looked into and they saw that she’d only had a handful of stories prior.
She wasn’t doing this full time and hadn’t in years.
Not since she was trying to fill the holes in her income. Or through college when she needed more spending money.
It still blew her mind that the Lancasters adopted her, taking away an almost free ride to college for her. Yet they paid for her education.
Not right away, they didn’t. They paid half, helped her secure loans and made sure she had what she needed every single day.
When it was all done and the degree was in her hand, she’d never been so proud of herself.
Scared of the debt, but proud and hopeful she was going to make something of herself.
And one year after working full time and making it on her own, they cleared her debt.
She didn’t want to think it was a test. To see if she was taking advantage of them.
She’d only been in their lives seven years at that point. Maybe she would have cut and run.
Though she hadn’t.
And they reaffirmed they were making her one of them by paying it off.
Part of her would always feel indebted to them, but not monetarily.
Not anymore.
“I’m not turning it into that. I still want to know. This person reached out to me. They want attention, obviously, and now they are getting it.”
“That’s right. But you need to stay safe. And by not telling the public this person reached out, they aren’t getting nearly the attention they might hope for.”
“Between Keegan and Tate, my ears are bleeding. Then Holden called. I think he felt he had to out of principle because Corbin told him. I hung up with Corbin five minutes before your call. I’m sure I’ll hear from Brenna tomorrow.
I think she’s working now. Did you guys all pick a time to ride my ass? ”
The laughter on the other line wasn’t lost on her. “Well then. It’s time to talk to your father.”
She groaned. “I’m good. I really am.”
“Jim, it’s Skye.”
She moved to the couch and flopped. “Hi, Dad. I’ll be careful. I didn’t ask for this. It landed in my lap. But aren’t you proud of me for putting great stories out and maybe I can help catch the person?”
“Don’t pull that with me. I’ve got too many kids and have lived with your mother for too long to fall for it.”
She grinned. Not that he could see it. “It was worth a try.”
“And not a very good one. You need to be careful.”
“That’s it. That’s all you’re going to say to me?”
“I believe you’ve gotten an earful from everyone else.”
She heard her mother shout in the background. “Coward.”
“Mom thought you’d say more,” she said.
“She thought wrong. You don’t need to be beat over the head with it. Just know we are all here and all watching.”
She groaned even louder now.
That was worse.
And when her mother laughed over that comment, she realized that had been part of it all along.
“Guess coming back came with that risk.”
“That’s right,” her father said. “And now you can get on with your night. Maybe it will be a peaceful one.”
“I need it after all the talking I’ve done.”
She tossed her phone on the cushion next to her.
It shouldn’t have gotten this out of hand. She never thought posting a few simple articles on car fires would.
It wasn’t as if she was doing much research into them. Not like an investigative reporter.
It wasn’t even what she wanted.
But now it felt as if she almost had to by default.
When her door buzzer went off, she thought she was going to fall off the couch, the noise was so deafening.
Nothing she hadn’t heard before, but just didn’t expect it right now.
She crept over to the intercom. Which was ridiculous on her part. It wasn’t as if anyone could get her.
“Yes?”
“It’s Ash. Let me up.”
“Not if you’re going to lecture me. I’ve had enough of it today.”
She grinned when there was a hesitation. She’d still let him up. She’d like to see him.
Wanted to was more like it.
Nope.
Needed to.
They didn’t get nearly where she thought they would before the day fell apart with that stupid email.
“I won’t lecture.”
“Do you promise?”
“Come on, Skye. It’s starting to rain.”
She laughed. “I’m coming.”
She opened the door, caught herself racing down the stairs and then stopped. He didn’t need to know she wanted to see him.
Or that she was looking forward to it.
Hell, she was kind of shocked by the discovery herself.
Especially after today.
Or maybe she craved it more after today.
She got to the glass door and pulled it open. “You lied. It’s not raining.”
He stepped inside. “It’s going to. The forecast is calling for it.”
“Yeah and they are always right.”
“I would have thought you got all your sarcasm out today with your family.”
They got inside her place. “Just guessing or do you know?”
“I was summoned by your brother.”
“Which one? You need to be more specific,” she said, crossing her arms and tapping her toe.
Not what she needed. Maybe she should have left him down there.
“Corbin. Your other brothers wouldn’t have a reason to reach out to me.”
“Tate saw you here,” she said.
“That’s right and you explained it away. But here’s the problem. Corbin knows me better.”
She didn’t groan. Though she wanted to.
Instead, a strangled sound ripped out of her as she fisted her hands in her hair and gave it a hard yank. “Did you tell him we kissed?”
“Do I look like I’ve got a death wish?”
Before she could spiral further, he caught her wrists, tugged her hands free, and pulled her into his chest.
He held her. Really held her.
Arms firm and steady. Like he was anchoring her in place while the rest of the world tilted.
She hadn’t felt comfort like this in years. Hadn’t wanted anyone to even give it to her.
But Ash? She let him just do it.
And to feel it with Ash?
Of course. Why not pile one more complication onto an already impossible night.
“What did you tell him?” she asked quietly. “What did you talk about?”
“I asked what he knew from Tate. But let’s be honest, I was his best friend long before you were his sister.”
His hand was rubbing up and down her back.
It was more of a caress now. Igniting things in her body she hadn’t felt in so long.
Mixed in with thoughts of the kiss they shared.
Yeah, she was in big trouble.
“So what happened?”
“There is no hiding much from him. Just like he wouldn’t be able to do it with me.”
“And what does that mean?” she hedged.
“That he remembers I’m the one who asked you to end up with his family. Not like he’d forget it. He remembers I had my eye on you long before your life... changed.”
“But I didn’t have it back.”
“My ego is only lightly aching over that.”
“Sorry. I’m only speaking the truth.”
“I only care more about what you’re thinking now.”
She could lie. She’d done it enough in her life about little things, even if she hated it.
Not horrible things. Just to get out of stuff she didn’t want to do.
Like she was too busy with work to drive home for a weekend birthday celebration with her new family.
If she said yes to one, she’d almost feel as if she had to say yes to them all.
Six kids, two parents, she’d be home eight times a year then. Add in the holidays with it.
Might as well not have even moved away.
“Right now, I don’t want to think at all.”
She lifted her head to look into his eyes. To see if she could read his thoughts.
If he would know what she wanted without her having to voice it.
He didn’t answer her. He didn’t need to.
Something dark and sharp shifted in his gaze, and then his hand slid from her back to her jaw, his thumb brushing her cheek like he was asking permission without words.
She didn’t pull away.
That was all it took.
He lowered his mouth to hers slowly, giving her time to stop him. When she didn’t, when her breath caught instead, he closed the last inch and kissed her.
Soft at first. Careful. Like he was testing whether this was real or something that might shatter if he pressed too hard.
Nothing was going to shatter but her control.
It wasn’t like they hadn’t done this once already. For the life of her, she couldn’t get a read on what was going through his brain.
Her hands curled into his shirt on instinct, her fingers gripping fabric as if he were the only solid thing in the room. The kiss deepened. Not rushed. Not desperate. But full of everything they’d been circling for far too long.
The tension. The history. The things left unsaid.
His thumb traced her jaw as his mouth moved against hers, unhurried, sure, like he’d waited years for this again and wasn’t about to waste it.
Like he was afraid after everything that happened today, she’d turn him away.
She didn’t. Instead, she melted into him, rising onto her toes without realizing it, chasing the warmth and the promise in his touch.
His tongue slipped in, tasting her, gently again.
Oh fuck that.
She didn’t need it gentle. She just needed to feel.
Feel something more than what she’d been. Anything more than what was happening in her life.
His hands went to her face, held her head in place, his mouth now devouring her like she was an eight course meal and he was making room for more.
Call the server over because nothing was getting in her way.
When they finally broke apart, it was only enough to breathe.
Their foreheads pressed together. Their breath mingling.
Her pulse hammered. Her lips still tingled. Her lady parts were twitching uncontrollably.
“Why did you stop?” she asked.
“Because if we go much longer, it’s going to be even harder for me to walk away.”
“What if I don’t want you to walk away?” she whispered, her hands moving to his waist, then slipping under his shirt.
She was losing her mind. She knew it.
But nothing was going to stop her either.