Chapter Eighteen. Aspiration
Chapter Eighteen
ASPIRATION
Danny took them to Blackberry Jam, a hip breakfast spot on Burton Street known for their French toast and take-home jars of fruit preserves.
Once properly fueled, they rented bikes for a ride along the beach before hitting the sand for a lazy afternoon.
By nightfall, they were back at Beau’s, where Drew repeated his favorite performance of decimating a plate of brisket tacos and flirting with a very uninterested Esme.
But Monday came around, and once they finished a final breakfast, Drew hit the road, returning to Boston to enjoy the last of the holiday weekend. When he said goodbye to Cam, he reminded her about the résumé.
As if she could forget. Because despite what she’d told Danny, she had the updated document drafted in an email, waiting to be sent. Which she’d do Tuesday morning, when she had some time to herself. Because that Monday, with Beau’s closed, it was just her and Danny.
Alone.
Like they had been.
Except everything felt different. While they acted as if nothing had happened, tension lingered in the air like smoke after a bonfire and she was petrified of burning them both with the charred remains.
By the afternoon, as they ate lunch on the beach, she’d built up the courage to broach their weekend. “Morgan and Drew said you volunteered to tell me about the wedding,” she began. “I’ve been here for nearly a month. Why didn’t you say anything?”
Danny watched Reggie chase a seagull. “They were worried about telling you because they knew you’d be upset you weren’t invited. I was worried about telling you because…” He bit his lip, and after an excruciating few seconds said, “I didn’t know if you still had feelings for him.”
Despite her best efforts, she laughed. “Feelings? For Cory? It’s been four years!”
“Four years is nothing,” he whispered, eyes on the sky. “Feelings for someone don’t come with an expiration date.”
“Actually, the only part of this that doesn’t upset me is knowing he found his other half.
He’s my friend and I love him as one. What upsets me is knowing he doesn’t share those feelings.
What upsets me is knowing he’s doing so well while I’m a fucking mess.
What upsets me is knowing my friends didn’t feel comfortable enough to be honest with me.
And I know you three were protecting my feelings, but it doesn’t feel that way.
Not when it’s just more secrets from me. Why has that become a recurring thing?
“Morgan admitted she edits her stories about Cory for my sake. Drew had a big breakup and didn’t tell me.
And you’ve been homebrewing and winning competitions, and you’ve said nothing.
” She began to cry, fat tears soaking her cheeks.
“It makes me feel like you guys don’t need me.
That I’m not as important to you all as you are to me. ”
“Milly…” The nickname was hoarse from his lips.
Through her tears, she saw him wince. “If we’re talking honesty …
we did mention those things. Drew FaceTimed our group chat after the breakup happened.
He’d just gotten out of a string of late meetings, turned his phone on and …
there was the voicemail from Aditi. All of us joined—even Morgan, despite the hour.
You were the only one who wasn’t there.”
“What? No, that’s not—”
Cam swallowed her defense as the memory resurfaced.
It was a Tuesday in early February, and everything was wrong.
The streets were an icy, salty mess as she trudged home.
The Red Line was delayed again, she’d just been berated by her boss for an email she’d sent too early, and she had $2.
47 in her checking account until she got paid on Friday.
She was tired.
So when Drew initiated a group call, she assumed it was to talk about something trivial, like whatever reality show he was enamored with.
She didn’t have the energy to pretend to care and so, she declined the call without hesitation.
And when the subsequent messages were back to pictures of Morgan in Europe and Reggie on the beach, she didn’t think anything of it.
“Yeah, and … it’s been obvious in the months since,” Danny added gently.
The hints patched together into a tapestry of missed moments. The absence of smiling candid milestones on social media. The playful texts from Morgan in their group chat about signing Drew up for a dating competition show. The time she FaceTimed Danny to find him driving to Boston to cheer Drew up.
How … could she have missed it?
In college, she would’ve caught every slow response and sad joke. But now that she was in a black hole of disappointment, she’d become laser-focused on her own problems, her own shortcomings, her own failures.
A self-involved wreck.
A miserable excuse for a friend.
“I … have also mentioned my beer a couple times,” Danny continued. “Not often, but when I did you just … never asked anything more.”
Another barrage of memories: jokes about doing research for the first time since college, a trip to a brewery in New Jersey with his father, a pair of personalized beer steins he’d been given for Chrismukkah shown to her over FaceTime …
“Oh my god.” The tears burned her skin, the salt as sharp as that night in February. “What’s wrong with me? You’re—you’re right. You guys did tell me. I just—I didn’t—I couldn’t—”
“Cam.”
She turned to him, wiping her cheeks with wobbly hands.
“It’s okay,” he promised. “Breathe.” As she took a shaky breath, he said, “No matter where in the world you fly, the safety briefing doesn’t change.
When the oxygen masks drop, you can’t help those around you until you secure your own.
” He grabbed her hand, squeezing it gently.
“It’s the same on the ground, Cam. You gotta prioritize your own breathing.
Because if you’re suffocating, you’re never gonna be able to care for anyone else. ”
“Suffocating,” she repeated quietly. “You make it sound like I’m depressed.”
“Are you?”
His earnest stare sent her heart walloping in her chest. She closed her eyes, focusing on the sounds of the waves crashing ashore, and his warm hand, with five lightly calloused fingertips pressed into her palm.
It wasn’t a new question. She’d wondered before, on the weekends she holed up in her bedroom, with no energy to do anything but binge-watch a show or scroll on her phone for hours.
On the mornings she stared at her boss’s contact, weighing the ramifications of taking yet another sick day.
On the nights she sat on the floor of the shower, watching her dreams circle the drain with her overpriced bodywash.
“Aren’t we all a little?” When he said nothing, she tightened her hold on his hand and whispered, “It’s crossed my mind before but … no, I don’t think so.”
“Were you happy before you got here?”
“No, I don’t think so.”
“Are you happy now?” he asked. “In Elswick?”
“Yeah, I am.” Hanging her head, she added, “I don’t like feeling sorry for myself because I know things could be so much worse and that makes me feel so fucking guilty.
But … this year, more than ever, I’ve realized how …
behind I am. There are a million ways to live your twenties.
I have friends who are in medical school, who are working at Fortune 500 companies, who are married with kids, who are traveling the world …
I know there isn’t a single right answer.
But I also know there’s a wrong answer, and whatever I’m doing? That’s the wrong one.”
A smattering of tears fell, and she wiped them away quickly.
“Drew’s got a big, fancy promotion and a shiny new car.
Morgan’s in grad school, living abroad and dating every beautiful woman she meets.
Cory’s getting married and making a shit ton of money at his job.
And you’re running a successful business, and your fucking hobby is so good you could launch another one.
” She leaned into him, resting her head on his shoulder.
“So yeah, before I got here, I was unhappy, and I was lost. And I know it’s only been a few weeks but …
for the first time in a long time, I feel … excited. Hopeful.”
“Good. You deserve to feel excitement again. But Milly, as long as you’re not hurting anyone, there’s no wrong way to live.
” His free hand dropped to the small of her back, the gentle touch steadying.
“We all have different timelines. Don’t try to measure up to other people. It’ll only make you sick.”
“Maybe I’ll be where you guys are next year. Maybe I’ll have sold a book. Won the lottery. Fallen in love.”
“I’ve got my fingers crossed for you.”
She found herself smiling, but the happiness was quickly hijacked by a nagging thought. “I can’t believe Cory didn’t invite me. I know things are different but … I really thought we were friends.”
“I did too. I’m sorry.”
“It’s not your decision to apologize for. But … how exactly did this reception stuff come up? I didn’t know Beau’s was in the wedding business.”
“We’re not. At least not yet.” He continued rubbing her back, and between the soft touch and the warm sun, she was growing sleepy.
“Tabby grew up outside Providence, and she and Cory came to visit her family in March. He proposed on New Year’s Eve, and they’d been planning since.
The church they picked is about fifteen miles from here, so when they said they hadn’t found a reception spot… ”
“You offered Beau’s?”
“Yup. Free of charge for a friend.” He was toying with the ends of her hair now, and she was very close to falling asleep.
“Pauly’s wife, Angela, runs a catering company, so we’re doing everything.
We’re catering, we’re hiring our staff to serve.
It’s a family affair. Their wedding planner is taking care of a lot of the logistical stuff like equipment rental but … it’ll be an interesting test run.”
She smiled up at him. “It’ll be amazing. And hey, since I didn’t make the list, I could always work.”
Danny keeled over, laughing. “You’re not serving chicken or fish at your ex-boyfriend’s wedding—”
But he was cut off by her phone ringing. Cam glanced at the picture of the familiar blonde. “It’s Morgan.”
“You wanna talk to her? I can answer.”
“Thank you but … I want to do it.”
When she accepted the call, Morgan cried, “Cam! Finally! I told everyone, if you didn’t pick up, I’d be on the first flight back. Which is crazy since I’m flying in for the wedding, but I need to make sure you’re—”
“I’m okay,” Cam interrupted. She turned the camera to Danny, who waved. “Our boys did an excellent job making me feel better.”
Morgan sniffled. “We taught them well. Drew in particular required a lot of work.”
“I know. He told me he was responsible for the trash can vomit of junior year.”
“I KNEW IT! That LIAR!” Their laughter was simultaneous, and as Morgan calmed, she asked, “Are you really okay? I’m so sorry for everything. You’re my best friend in the whole entire world and I hate seeing you upset.”
“I promise I’m okay,” Cam replied. “But no more editing stories. I want the truth, even if it hurts.”
“Always. Pinky swear.”
Cam glanced at Danny. He’d shifted away from her, clearly trying to give her and Morgan space.
His attention was instead on a needy Reggie, who pawed at the tennis ball in his pocket.
He laughed, extracting the ball and tossing it into the sand.
Reggie zoomed after it, and in seconds was back, dropping the ball at his feet.
Ever unbothered, he gave the dog a pet and threw the ball again.
He always knew what everyone needed. What question to ask, what topic to stay away from, what candy to coax a smile.
She wanted to be like that. To be a good listener, to be considerate …
To be the best friend she could be.
Focus returning to Morgan, she asked, “Have you seen Margarita again? When do you register for your fall classes? You sent pictures of those Norwegian fjords last week. How was the trip? Was it cold? Did you—”
Cam sat on the beach listening to Morgan until the afternoon skies opened up, soaking her and Danny to the bone. And as they walked back to his apartment, a dripping wet Reggie in tow, she couldn’t remember the last time she’d felt so at peace.