15. Savvy
Chapter 15
Savvy
29 weeks
I ’ve been home for four days and I still can’t seem to make my brain believe that it’s real. I wake up at odd hours, always before five a.m. reliving my nightmares in that house. I can still hear Max’s voice telling me I’m his, that this was his world. That I was nothing, and would be nothing as soon as he tired of me, while he kept hitting me with his belt over and over because I wouldn’t say I was grateful or his. The last straw was me screaming at him that I was Christians, and I would always be my husbands. I honestly thought he was never going to stop that night. I prayed that night. I prayed that God would spare my life until my son could be born. I prayed for Sin to find me before the devil himself ended it all. I’m still sore, but the bruises are healing slowly. It’s the scars left behind that no one can see that I’m having a problem with.
I sit in the library at three a.m., looking at the secret door to the caves, willing myself to stay put and not go down there. I sit here planning their deaths as I think about how I wasn’t able to avoid Sin my first night back.
He came into the bathroom, bringing me fresh towels and saw as I was getting into the tub.
Sin dropped the towels on the floor and rushed to the tub as I tried to hurry and get in so the bubbles would hide the cuts and bruises, but I was too slow. He helped me get in, careful not to touch anywhere that had belt marks marring my skin in black and blue, which didn’t leave him much. Tears fell from his eyes as he settled on his knees next to the tub.
“I’m so sorry, angel. Who did this to you?” He cupped my face, trying to make eye contact, but I pulled away.
“Please don’t. I didn’t want you to see. I’m so sorry Christian. Please, I didn’t mean for it to happen. I didn’t want Max, I swear.” I let the tears fall, knowing that I was the one that needed to beg for his forgiveness.
“Savannah!” He sounded gruff and I knew I deserved it. When he cupped my face again, I let him, because his touch was the only thing that could make it all go away. I missed it. I didn’t deserve it, but I needed it. I looked up at him as tears continued to fall.
“Nothing that happened in that house is your fault. You did what you had to do to protect yourself and our son. You are brave and selfless, and you deserved so much better angel, I’m sorry it took me so long to get to you. I will spend every day reminding you how much I love you and how proud of you I am. You got MJ to help, and you made the playlist. It helped me get to you. I wouldn’t have figured it out if it hadn’t been for your playlist and MJ comparing The Originals to my family. You are a badass mom and wife, who I know for a fact I can never live without. I pray I never have too again. You are my covenant, Savvy. I took my oath. You are and will always be my angel, Saint, or no Saint.” Sin got a bit emotional but made me see that he still loved me. He got in the bath with me and was just there.
I told him I wanted to change all the products I use, because they had them all there, and it’s just a bad reminder. We talked, not about everything that happened to me, but about what and who I saw, and what I was made to watch happen to MJ. He never once blamed me. He said he won’t touch me again unless I ask him to. He wants me to come to him when I need to be held or if I want to talk about any of it. He wants to be there for me, but he is terrified of triggering me again, and rightfully so!
He had me get online after our bath and order whatever I wanted to switch over to across the board. He won’t have anything in this house that could serve as a reminder of what happened to me. Except there are things in this house that remind me every second. They are down in the caves, taunting me, that they had the upper hand. That they had the power to break me and succeeded.
“Savvy, what are you doing up. You, okay?” Cami whispers as she sits on the couch closest to my chair, holding my beautiful goddaughter close to her chest.
I look at my best friend and give a sad smile, “Nightmares.” I say softly as I take a sip of my hot chocolate with a ton of marshmallows. The fireplace crackles and pops, getting my attention away from the door leading to the caves.
“I talked to mom this morning and she is dying to come see you. I think she might be able to help. You need to remember you are safe. She just wants to make sure you are up for it.”
“I would love to see Rosie! I’ve missed her so much. I know I’m home and I don’t have to worry now, because I won’t leave this house without Sin for a while, if ever, but I want revenge. On one hand, I want to go down to the caves and ask them all why, then I want to make them suffer, on the other hand, I’m afraid if I face any of them yet I will lose my shit and put distress on Kohl! What do I do Cami?”
“I think maybe I should lay down Morgan so we can go to the kitchen and see if we can find something to make while we talk it out. What do ya say?” She whispers softly giving me a smirk.
“I am craving your coffee and croissants. Let’s go cook and you can let me in on some more of what all happened while I was gone. I know I have been quiet since I’ve been back, but I’m ready to talk. I need my best friend. I can’t promise that I will be able to tell you everything yet, but I need to get it out. I know I need to talk to someone about what happened, but I can’t tell Sin. I don’t want to hurt him anymore than he already has been by all of this.”
“Good, I’m glad that you realize that you are bottling up the darkness. Forget the people down in the caves that hurt you. Right now, they don’t matter. Let the motherfuckers wait. I beat the shit out of Jill. I’m just letting her heal so that we can do it again. Come on, I’ll lay her down and meet you in the kitchen.” Cami stands up slowly not to wake Morgan. She is the most precious baby girl. She looks just like her perfect mommy but with her daddy’s blonde hair. She rarely cries and is always smiling.
“Thanks, Cami. Let the motherfuckers wait. Their time is coming.” I whisper loud enough for her to hear as she exits the library. I hear her snicker as she goes down the hall.
I head down to the main kitchen that I have missed so much. This is where we used to cook when we all wanted to eat together, which was most of the time. I have missed it so much. Cami always knows how to help me heal.
I start taking out ingredients and pans that we will need when I about jump out of my skin, startled.
“What are you doing down here all by yourself at this time? Everything okay, or do you just have a craving like me? Sorry, didn’t mean to scare you.” Mia comes into the kitchen yawning. She has the cutest little bump now and her and Nick seem to be doing really well. She was so broken at one time, and then, she found a love that even she couldn’t deny.
“Couldn’t sleep, Cami is coming down too. Morgan woke up and she was walking her through the halls when she found me in the library. It’s time for some girl talk. Wanna join us like old times?” I ask her after my heart slows down.
“Oh, yes! Oh my God I have missed this! I’ll go get Abby so that we can all be together, she will be pissed if she misses out.” Mia bounces as she runs out of the kitchen as Cami comes in.
“Well, she is excited.” Cami chuckles as she walks into the kitchen .
“I got a few things out to get started.” I smile wide at Cami, knowing this is exactly what I need. The last year we would all do this from time to time when one or more of us were having a hard time dealing with life. We cook, dance around the kitchen, talk it all out, and eat a ton of food. Before most of us were pregnant, we would have wine or make mimosas and drink while we cooked. I’ve missed my friends.
Mia rushes back into the kitchen squealing, “Ewe, ewe, ewe. I now have images of a very naked Jasper in my head. Abby will be down in a bit.” She bursts out laughing. “What are we making?” We are all three still snickering when I hear Taylor Swifts voice as the beat of, “Shake It Off,” bounces off the walls.
“Figured we needed music if we are gonna do this right!” Abby comes in dancing around the large island.
I always dance when Taylor Swift comes on. I have some fun with it and shake my ass the best I can as we all start making breakfast.
“Do y’all remember the first time we did this back in Oklahoma at the cabin? Red bull and cherry vodka kept us all up until four a.m. We made a smorgasbord of food for breakfast, and we all fell asleep before we ate any of it. The guys woke up and ate most of it before we woke up at noon.” Cami gets us all laughing again as she hands me a cup of coffee, “I think this one will be a hit when we open the bookstore. We have been coming up with all kinds of things so that we at least have the menu when you are ready to open.”
I hadn’t even thought about the bookstore since I’ve been gone. We had just found the perfect space and Cami and I bought it. That’s as far as we got.
“Has Sin had people working on it? We hadn’t even picked the colors yet. He definitely didn’t touch Kohls room.” I chuckle slightly trying to imagine Sin picking out things for a baby’s room.
“Sin was too busy torturing and killing everyone they brought in trying to get information on where to find you.” Abby chimes in smirking .
“Yeah, he was a little crazier than usual while you were gone. He did have people working in the bookstore though. They finished all the bookshelves last week. He went with your two favorite colors. Black, and emerald green. It looks beautiful so far. Well, we have only seen pictures because we aren’t allowed to leave. He has had the contractor contact us to tell him what to do. I hope that was okay.” Cami replies, giving me a sorry expression.
“No, it’s great! I just hadn’t thought about it. We do need to start Kohls room though. I’m not ready to deal with our store yet.” I take a sip of my coffee and moan, “Cami! This is the best cup of coffee I have had in forever! I know, I can only have one cup.” I roll my eyes and stop, realizing what I just said.
“What do you mean you can only have one cup? When have you ever only had one cup?” Mia asks, looking shocked at my words.
I guess now is as good of time as any to start the conversation, “I was only allowed one cup of coffee a day and it was awful. I was only allowed so much sugar too, and they never got it right. I guess it’s going to take some time to get out of the routines I became used to. I woke to the exact same shit every day and thought it was bad until it actually got really bad. Luckily, Sin found me before it got any worse. I know I haven’t been myself since I’ve been back. I promise I’m not trying to shut you all out. I think I just needed to process that I’m actually home and I can do as I please again. They didn’t starve me or anything, quite the opposite actually. I was treated very well, until the game changed. Then I became his pet.”
“Savvy, you don’t have to explain anything to us. We are here for you no matter what. You went through hell and made it back. Be proud of that. When you are ready, we will be here to help you through it. We are just happy to have you back home.” Abby replies first.
“No, Abby, I’m ready. I need to let the darkness out to make room for the light. I just need my friends.” I try to explain what I’m feeling.
“How about we finish making everything while Savvy sits at the bar enjoying as many cups of coffee as she wants. Have a seat, I almost have your ham egg and cheese croissant ready.” Cami suggests.
My feet do hurt, why not, it might make it easier to get it all out. I go around the island and have a sit in one of the comfy plush barstools.
“I don’t know where to start.” I say as I stare down into my coffee cup.
“Start from day one and work your way up till now. Just tell us what you need to get out Sav.” Mia replies as she places a bowl of strawberries and purple grapes in front of me, then takes a grape and pops it in her mouth.
“Hot Mess,” by Zoe Clark fills the space and I laugh, “Well perfect timing.”
I started with day one, explaining how I woke up and kicked Max’s ass, and what happened from there. I spilled everything, finishing with when Sin found me, and I shot him by accident! I didn’t expect to tell them everything, but once I started, it just kept spewing out. I explained why it’s so important for us to protect MJ, and why she is the way she is with all the poor girl has been through since birth. She has never had a chance to just be who she wants to be or given the choice. I explained my suspicions about Lottie, Max, and how I have been feeling with Sin.
The girls listened to all the things I went through. They didn’t judge, just let me get it out. They told me more about what they have all been going through. About Sin and his crazy torture methods. I can’t believe he used moths! Kinda impressed he remembered that one. I had told him if I ever tortured anyone again, that it would be my method of choice. I smile at the memory.
Once we were all stuffed, had cried all we could, and felt like we had gotten every emotion out, I felt better! Sin still hasn’t touched me, and I’m not sure if I’m ready for him to, but I know I’m ready to be held.
I get back to our room and watch Sin sleep for a minute. He looks so peaceful and content. The sheet is only pulled up to his waist and his arms lay above his head, showing off his perfect chiseled body. I hesitate, but I push myself to climb into the bed, and get close to Christian. My breath hitches as his arms come down around me, pulling me closer to him as he buries his face in my hair, mumbling, “angel.”
I wrap my arm around him and let out a breath, as I snuggle into his chest, then inhale him, letting his scent wash over me and drown out anything bad that has ever happened to me. I’ve missed him so much. Tears well up at the fact that I’m home and safe in his arms again. Every time anyone touches me, I flinch, I can’t help it. It’s nice to finally feel relaxed being touched.
I pull away a little to look up at the one face that kept me going.
“Christian.” I whisper.
“I’m here, angel.” He says as he pulls me closer. I pull back to look at the man who holds my heart. I lean in, softly placing my lips on his. He stills, then softly kisses me back as his hands come up to my face, cupping it gently. I deepen the kiss, feeling brave. I’ve missed him so much; I can’t help the little moan that escapes. Christian pulls back, still cupping my face, looking into my eyes.
“Sin, I’m ready to talk and I’m ready to start dealing with what’s in the caves. I’m going to need some things first though, and this time, I want you by my side while I slay my demons.” I can tell by how his eyes go wide at what I said that he is surprised, but his wicked smile lets me know that he is ready for whatever I’m going to throw at him.