Chapter 10 #3
Alani’s steps were slow, pained, and unbalanced, but she was determined to make it to her bedroom without Mara’s help.
By the time she crossed the room and made it down the hall, she was pouring in sweat.
It wasn’t that her legs didn’t work; they were just so damn weak.
Her mind and body felt disconnected, like the signals weren’t moving fast enough to her limbs.
Every step took so much out of her, and without Ethic’s watchful gaze on her, she didn’t have to pretend like it didn’t hurt.
She wanted him to think she was better than she was, so she suffered in silence, standing taller and striding farther than she could bear.
Now that he had gone, it was hitting her like a ton of bricks, and the mental toll was greater than the physical one.
You can do this. Just take your time. Alani’s silent coaching did very little to motivate her. She was damn near fighting tears; she was so frustrated. To a woman who had always taken care of herself and everyone around her, being helpless was torture.
“Damn it!” she cried out as her balance gave out. She reached for the stair railing, falling forward slightly to catch it before she hit the floor.
“Ma!”
She heard Bella call out to her, and then she felt the relief of support as Bella ducked beneath her arm to steady her.
“Why would you let her try this alone?” Bella asked.
“She wouldn’t allow me to help,” Mara said softly. “I need consent to touch her.”
“I’m okay, Bella.” Alani was heaving like she had run a marathon.
Bella sat Alani down on the step and then rushed to the front closet, pulling out a wheelchair, and then helped her into it.
“We have an elevator, Ma,” Bella said. “Why would you take the stairs?”
“We do?” Alani asked.
Bella wheeled Alani over to the elevator, and as soon as she pressed the call button, Alani burst into laughter.
“I’m losing my mind. I can’t even remember the features in my own house,” Alani said as she cackled. “I almost broke my neck, and there’s a whole elevator.” She had to laugh to keep from crying.
“Please, can I help?” Mara asked as she held open the elevator doors.
“I’ve got her,” Bella said as she pushed the button, closing the doors.
Bella helped Alani to her bed and then sat on the edge of it, as she looked down at her hands.
“I’ve never lied to you before,” Bella said. “You’re the best thing that ever happened to our family. I love you, and if you and Daddy don’t make it…”
“Bella, your daddy is amazing. He’s…” Alani sighed. “He’s the kind of man I’ve prayed for. You don’t have to worry about things that will never happen.”
“If it does,” Bella reasoned. “If you ever leave, I hope you take me with you.”
“Bella, you’re his daughter…”
“I’m your daughter too,” Bella said. “And if there’s a side to take, I choose you.” Bella meant every word. She loved her father with everything in her, but she needed Alani. She had been loved by her father her entire life. She hadn’t had enough time with Alani to even consider losing her.
Nothing about that sentiment felt right to Alani.
She reached for Bella, stroking her cheek with her thumb.
“There are no sides. We are all on the same side, baby girl. I’m just trying to piece things back together, and it can be frustrating and overwhelming.
I’m sorry for worrying you. I don’t want you to have anxiety about anything, baby girl.
” Bella nodded, but she was sick to her stomach.
Bella had a loyalty to Alani that trumped all.
She had always taken Alani’s side. She had always protected her.
It felt wrong to willfully deceive her, and Bella’s conscience was screaming.
“Love was our brother,” Bella revealed. “You and Daddy are supposed to have two babies together. He died,” Bella whispered.
“I spent almost every day with you when you were pregnant. I don’t think I’ve ever loved anybody more than you.
You came into my life, and you made it better.
I never knew my biological mom, and when I met you, you stepped up for me like you birthed me.
I’ve never told you how that changed my life, but you did.
You chose me when you didn’t have to, and I just don’t want anything to make you change your mind about that.
I’m sorry I didn’t tell you when you asked.
I’ve never lied to you, and I don’t want to lie to you now.
Love was my baby brother. He was your son. ”
Alani couldn’t shape reality. It was constantly shifting, and she was depending on others to fill her in, but this revelation of another child in the grave sank her stomach so deeply that it felt like the sadness turned her inside out.
“Come here, Bella,” she whispered as she held out both her hands.
“You’re shaking,” Bella noticed as they gripped hands.
“I’m lost and afraid, Bella. Between Kenzie and now Love, I’m gutted,” Alani answered truthfully, as she anchored herself in Bella’s eyes.
“I don’t feel whole, and that’s not something you’ll understand until you’re older and you have children of your own.
I’m not going anywhere, though. You can tell me hard things, and I’ll still be right here, praying my way through the healing. Thank you for being honest with me.”
“I just didn’t know if Daddy would want you to know that,” Bella admitted. “It was a hard time. We all just want to make it easy for you.”
“It’s okay,” Alani reassured. “We clearly made it through that time, just like we’ll make it through this one. Give me a minute to decompress, okay? Make sure Eazy’s okay and bring me that suit and measuring tape after Mara sizes him. I want to make sure it’s right.”
Bella sighed and lifted from the bed. When Alani was alone, her intrusive thoughts crept into her psyche.
Why are they so afraid I’ll leave? Why wouldn’t Ethic want me to know about our son?
Alani felt like Ethic was a familiar stranger.
He was close enough to touch her, to care for her, but she couldn’t remember him well enough to trust his intentions.
Things just felt too neat, too loving, and everyone was too timid regarding the things they said to her, like they were guarding something, hiding something.
Alani felt like everyone was walking on eggshells, including Nannie.
It had her on edge, wired, like she had to protect herself from the perception of safety because danger was present somewhere she couldn’t see.
She couldn’t tell if her feelings were justified or if she was guarded and paranoid from the memory loss, but she couldn’t fully relax.
She didn’t trust anyone, even though she could feel that she adored them all.
Alani knew she should stay in bed, but she needed answers, and she was determined to find them.
She used all her energy to come to her feet and struggled to Ethic’s side of the bed.
She opened his nightstand and began to snoop, pulling out papers and old wallets.
When she came up short, she sighed. She stood and made her way to the closet, flicking on the light, and eyeing his side of the room-sized, custom space.
She was barely on her feet, but she knew she wouldn’t be able to rest until she scratched this itch.
Her intuition was screaming at her, and Alani couldn’t ignore it.
She wanted to trust Ethic, but the look in Bella’s eyes, the fear of the truth being discovered, put Alani on guard in a way she couldn’t ignore.
If he wouldn’t tell her what he was hiding, she would find out herself.