Chapter 18 #3
Mara appeared at the doorway. “Excuse me. I’m sorry, but your blood pressure,” she said, holding up her phone to show the app that gave her 24-hour access to Alani’s vitals. “I got an alert. Whatever this is about… We should probably table it. Please get back in bed.”
“Tell them, Mara! She saw the autopsy, too. Don’t tell me it doesn’t exist,” Alani shouted. “It feels like everyone in this house is telling half-truths!”
Mara’s eyes widened, and her mouth opened, but no words came out.
“Mara, tell them. I showed you the autopsy!” Alani insisted.
“I’m sorry, Alani. You were frantic about it. You went on and on about your daughter’s death, but I didn’t see an autopsy report.” Mara turned to Ethic. “This is what I was telling you about. The paranoia.”
“What the fuck are you talking about?” Alani asked, bewildered. “It was here. Ethic, I swear it was here. Nyair, please, listen to me!”
“I’m listening, La,” Nyair reasoned, his tone full of heartbreak and sympathy. She was unraveling in front of their eyes. “You need rest. Some sleep.”
“Yes, you do,” Mara agreed. “Your sleep score is very low. Your mind is playing tricks on you. Without rest, you can’t heal fully.”
“I’m not crazy! There was an autopsy. You were hiding an autopsy from me!” Alani shouted the accusation so viciously that it ripped through him.
“She may need some sedation,” Mara whispered, turning toward Ethic. “She has to calm down. Her brain is still healing. This is dangerous. Her mental health is fragile, and postpartum psychosis is very real.”
“Get out,” Ethic said. “Everybody, get out.”
Nyair turned to Ethic.
“This is a slippery slope. She’s hysterical,” Nyair whispered.
“She’s right here!” Alani scoffed, in annoyance and sarcasm, as she paced back and forth.
“I got her,” Ethic said. Nyair glanced back at Alani, and then to Ethic.
He was in a tough spot. He didn’t want Alani to feel trapped and abandoned in her new life, but he also didn’t want to overstep.
The last time he had gotten in between Ethic and Alani, he and his brother had come to blows.
He hadn’t known Ethic well back then. They were family now, and Nyair was positive that Ethic would handle her gently.
He nodded before he and Mara left the room.
When they were alone, Ethic placed True in her bassinet. Alani sighed, and when he took a step in her direction, she held out a defensive arm.
Ethic held up both hands and took a step back. Her rejection and mistrust cut him severely, but he couldn’t blame her for protecting herself. Her intuition was doing what it was supposed to do.
“What can I do? I don’t have your trust. I don’t deserve it. I haven’t earned it, Lenika, but I’m willing to do anything.”
“You think I’m crazy, don’t you?” Alani asked.
“A little,” Ethic answered, scoffing. “Not because of this, though, you’ve always been a little nutty, baby. It’s what let a nigga know not to fuck with you.”
Alani’s face softened, and she shook her head, dropping her shoulders and then shrugging helplessly. “I swear I’m not lying about the autopsy report,” she said. “Or maybe I dreamt it. I don’t know. Maybe I am going through postpartum. Maybe I’m crazy.”
“You’re not,” Ethic reassured. “Your intuition is telling you I’m dangerous.” He rubbed his hands together, staring at them to avoid her judgment. “I am,” Alani.
He lifted sincere eyes to meet hers, and he saw her breath catch. The fists she opened and closed; the timid half step she took away from him.
Don’t run from me, Lenika. God, fucking fix this, he thought.
“I know everything about you, and you can’t remember anything about me.
You don’t know me anymore. You don’t know how hard I’ve worked to make you feel safe...
to make you trust me. To show you that a dangerous man can be gentle too.
That a man who has sinned can repent. You’ve changed me, and you can’t even remember,” Ethic said.
Alani’s chest was so heavy that she placed both hands to her heart.
“The way you make me feel can’t be healthy,” Alani whispered.
“I’m terrified of you. But I can feel your heart aching every time you look at me.
You consume my body without even touching me.
My throat closes, and my mind dulls. It’s too much.
I can’t be afraid of you and love you at the same time. I don’t remember which one is real.”
“They’re both real,” Ethic answered. This room between us is driving me somewhere where love dies. Come.”
She hesitated, but she took a small step in his direction. She didn’t even know why her legs carried her to him. When she reached him, she rubbed the top of his head as he pressed his face into her stomach.
He pulled her down into his lap.
“I haven’t earned your trust. There are things I’m ashamed to tell you,” he said, as he pulled her back into the oversized chair.
“It feels like you’re hiding something,” she whispered.
“I’m hiding the worst shit I’ve ever done. I’m hiding the worst version of myself I’ve ever been. Alani, I only want to give you my best because you don’t know me. My ugly truths will scare you away.”
“Yeah,” she concluded. “I think I’m crazy.” Alani was so up and down. So hot and cold. “Because I can feel the rhythm in your veins, Ethic, and I’m hypnotized. An hour ago, my mind told me to run from you. How do I know which instinct to trust?”
“Trust them both,” Ethic said, resting his forehead against hers and closing his eyes. “Give me hell. Give me heaven. I’ll take them both. Just give me you, baby. I’ll turn your scars into something safe, or I’ll die trying.”
She nodded, and then she hugged him as she broke down into sobs. Alani wrapped her arms around him like she was a scared little girl, like she was a child who had awakened from a bad dream, and his arms stood for the light that chased the monsters away.
“I’m sorry.” She could barely choke out the words.
“You don’t ever apologize,” he answered.
“For shit. You’re never wrong. You could never be in the wrong, Alani.
I’m sorry.” He pulled back to cup her pretty face.
“You hear me? I’m sorry. Come here,” he soothed, pulling her back in and exhaling his overwhelm.
God had never given him a bigger responsibility than holding onto her heart.
It was so fragile, and he was so reckless, his hands so large and rough.
The gentleness it required, the delicate touch it needed.
The flexibility it took. He was still mastering it all because the measurements changed based on life’s circumstances.
“It’s okay,” he whispered as he massaged her back gently, holding her tightly, as his heart thundered inside his chest. A storm.
They were in one of life’s storms, and Ethic just needed to find the way out of it. “You’re okay. Everything will be okay.”