Chapter 30 #2
In the video, I’m dancing with Jannis to “Boombastic” by Shaggy.
We’re grinding our hips together and touching each other.
At the end of the video, I grab my brother by the neck and lick his earlobe.
It looks incredibly sexy and intimate, but it isn’t when you know that’s us.
We’re like that with each other, and Noah knows that.
But Jannis cut his shoulder-length blonde curls off yesterday before the party, sporting a short undercut in the video. And Noah hadn’t seen his haircut yet.
“That’s me with my brother.”
“Doesn’t Mr. Martin know your brother?”
“Not with that haircut, and you can see Jannis only from behind. Who sent the video anyway?” None of Valérie’s friends have Noah’s number.
“The video was uploaded to social media, and you were tagged. We don’t know yet who forwarded the link to Mr. Martin.
It was a French cell phone number.” I let my head sink back down onto the table in front of me.
This is all my fault. Noah thought I was cheating on him, that I was looking for someone new, and all of this after we slept together for the first time. FUCK!
“…generally at risk of suicide?” I only heard half of it… if that, but I shake my head firmly. It was a knee-jerk reaction, one with horrible consequences, but that’s all it was. Right? Shit, I can’t think straight anymore.
“I want to see him. Can I go to him now? Please.” The doctor nods, stands up, and motions for me to follow him. He stops in front of a door at the end of the hallway.
“Mr. Martin still needs to rest and regain strength. He’s asleep, if he wakes up, please don’t mention anything that might upset him.”
Slowly, I open the door and peek through the crack.
Noah is lying on the bed, his eyes closed.
He looks so peaceful. Both of his legs are elevated, and his right leg is encased in a bulky metal frame.
I sink into the chair next to his bed and reach for his hand.
It lies so limp in mine and tears fill my eyes.
“Mon Papillon, I’m here. You probably can’t hear me, but I’m here. I’m so sorry.”
I stayed at the hospital until late in the evening, but Noah wasn’t awake, so I eventually went home.
I showered, and tried to sleep before coming back the minute visiting hours started this morning.
For three hours now I’ve been sitting by his bed.
He’s more restless than yesterday, but that’s all.
Even though I don’t want to leave him, I need to pee and I’m hungry. In search of a hot chocolate, I wander through the endless hospital corridors, and by the time I finally reach the cafeteria, fifteen minutes have already passed.
While I drink and eat a buttered pretzel, I reply to messages from my fathers, my brothers, and Valérie. They’ve all asked me more than once if they should keep me company, but I wanted to be alone. Alone with Noah and with my guilt.
When I return to the room, something is different. Noah is still in bed, but his gaze is turned toward the window. He’s awake. Relief washes over me.
“Mon Papillon…” I can barely get a word out and I have to pull myself together to keep from bursting into tears.
“What are you doing here?” His voice is soft and weak and incredibly sad.
“Before you ask, I remember everything, all of it. You don’t have to feel obligated to be here just because I’m hurt.
I know you don’t want me anymore. No repeats, right?
I had hoped so much that this wouldn’t apply to me. So naive.”
He snorts and shakes his head, and my heart breaks.
“I feel so stupid for seriously believing you might like me, that you could fall in love with me. I was nothing more than another trophy in your collection. The virgin. And now I’m lying here and can’t move.
No one would have cared if I died, and now?
Now I’m even more of a burden. I can’t even go to the bathroom by myself…
I can’t do anything right. Absolutely nothing at all. ”
I’ve cried so much in the last twelve hours, and the tears just keep coming. Noah is crying too. I hear his quiet, stifled sobs and see his body twitching. “Can I sit with you? Please.”
My voice is choked with tears, and when I get no answer, I walk slowly toward him and sit down next to his bed. When I reach for his hand, he tries to pull it away, but I hold on tight. “I’m not letting you go. You can forget about that.”
“I don’t need your pity. I’ve seen with my own eyes that you don’t want me.
Please leave me the little dignity I have left.
Please.” The desperation in Noah’s thin voice is like a stab to the heart.
Every word strains him. Every word hurts so much.
He really tried to take his own life, because of me.
“No, mon Papillon, I’m not going anywhere.
I belong to you, and you’re right here. That’s Jannis in the video.
I know you didn’t recognize him from behind.
He got a new haircut yesterday morning.” Noah slowly turns his head toward me.
He’s trying to focus on me, I can tell by the way his eyes move, but without his glasses, he has no chance of seeing me.
“Where are your glasses?” Noah shrugs his narrow shoulders helplessly. My gaze darts across the nightstand and around the room, but there’s nothing there. The drawers are empty, too. “But you can’t see anything without them. Shit.”
Silent tears run down his temples again as he shrugs. “At least I don’t have to see myself. If my legs look the way they feel, I’d rather not see them at all.”
“It doesn’t matter what they look like. You’re with me, and you’re whole, and that’s all that matters.
” I place my hand on his cheek, and he leans into my touch instinctively, just as he has countless times before.
I need to tell him. The words I haven’t been able to find for weeks now come out all on their own.
“I never thought I’d say this to anyone.
I’ve never really let anyone get close to me because I was afraid that sooner or later they’d disappear again.
Just like everyone else in my life, my fathers and brothers aside.
No one was willing to hold on to me when things got tough.
No one ever loved me, you know that feeling.
But I love you, Noah, and I’m not going to disappear just because we’re facing a hard time now.
I’m holding on to you with everything I have, and I hope you’ll let me. ”