Chapter 31
Noah
No, that can’t be right. That’s not true, is it? I replay the video in my mind; the height and clothes match. That was Jannis in the video, and… he loves me, Luca loves me and wants to be with me.
The video! “How do you know about the video?”
“The police found it on your phone. Noah, they assume you tried to… that it wasn’t an accident.” I turn my head away again. I can’t see anything other than blurry outlines, but I don’t want Luca to see me.
“I thought we were… more… and that I mattered to you. For the first time, I thought someone liked me. For whatever reason. And then someone sent me the video and… it was all gone. I just couldn’t take it anymore.
I felt so ridiculous and so empty, and then there was the turn and the tree, and I thought…
I thought nobody would care what happened to me anyway…
whether I was there or not…” My voice breaks, tears stream down my cheeks, and I’m glad I can’t see him.
“I care! I don’t want to be without you.
I almost lost it during all those hours while you were in the OR, and no one could give me any information.
And then again when I had to wait until I was allowed to see you.
” Luca’s voice is soft but agitated, and it trembles with every sob.
I never would’ve imagined seeing him like this.
Not him, the guy who lets everything roll off his back and for whom an honest smile is the greatest of all visible emotions.
Or at least that’s what I thought of him until I got to know him.
“When I saw your car, I was sure you were dead. Then I saw the blood and was sure you were going to die. I’ve never been so fucking scared. Never!”
Luca lets his head fall onto my mattress and cries.
I did this to him, and I’m ashamed. Not for what I did.
That was a stupid knee-jerk reaction, and I’ll bear the consequences.
If I can never walk properly again, that’s bitter, but not undeserved.
But I’m ashamed that I doubted Luca. My hand searches for his head.
Luckily, his black hair stands out sharply against the bedspread, otherwise, I’d have to search longer.
Hesitantly, I run my fingers through Luca’s curls. “I’m so sorry, Chéri. I love you too…”
His head shoots up, pulling my hand with it. I’d love to see his face right now, his eyes, but Luca is right, without my glasses, I don’t stand a chance. I can make out outlines and movements when the contrast is strong enough, the rest is a blur.
“I know you can’t see me, but I’m going to kiss you now. If I hurt you in any way, please tell me.” I nod and wait, feeling his hand on my cheek first, and then I see his black hair coming closer until his lips touch mine. “My Noah…”
His words bring tears to my eyes again, along with the excruciating pain I’m trying to hide from Luca. Everything hurts, and I don’t even want to imagine how bad it would be without the IV constantly pumping painkillers into my body.
“Are you in a lot of pain?” Why can he read me so well, damn it? I hide my eyes under my forearm and nod. “Should I get a nurse? Maybe they can give you something?”
I lift my arm with the IV line. “That’s all I want. Anymore and I won’t be able to think straight. I’ll be fine.”
I’m not fine, and he knows it, but Luca doesn’t question my decision, and for that I love him just a little bit more.
Luca doesn’t leave my side, except to go to the bathroom or get a hot chocolate. He’s always touching me, holding my hand, massaging my head, or stroking my stomach. Even when I can’t see him, he makes sure I always feel that he’s there. That I’m not alone.
Without him, I’d need a nurse for everything. I wouldn’t be able to find my drink or the urinal bottle. And even if I had found it, I’m not sure I’d have managed to get my dick in. I probably would have peed all over the place and ended up lying in my own piss.
Until this morning, I still had a catheter. I understand that it was necessary, but I was glad I didn’t have to watch someone take my penis in their hand and pull the tube out.
I hate having to rely on help, especially for such intimate things. But Luca is there and just gets it done. I’ll need even more help in the coming weeks, time to get used to it.
***
First we listened to podcasts, now an audiobook is playing. The Hunger Games. A few weeks ago, we watched clips from the movies in a class and planned to watch them all. We’ll catch up on that once I finally have my glasses back.
Katniss and Peeta are sitting on the train to the Capitol when there’s a knock. The door opens. I can hear it, but I can’t see if anyone’s coming in or who it is.
“Who is it? Is anyone in the room?” I look in Luca’s direction, away from the door.
“It’s a doctor. You want me to translate?
” Relief washes over me. Since I’ve been here, I haven’t understood a word.
The staff talks to me, but I wouldn’t have a clue what they’re saying if Luca weren’t here.
On top of that I can’t see anything but apparently no one really cares about that. I’ve never felt so helpless.
Luca says something in German and then adds something else right after.
“He’s okay with me interpreting. I also told him again that you can’t see properly without your glasses and asked him if he knew what happened to them.
” Another exchange in German. “Okay, so your glasses didn’t come here with your personal belongings from the car, we’ll have to figure out something else.
But the rest should be in the big closet, I just haven’t looked inside yet.
Your cell phone is still with the police, but it will be released tomorrow. Now he’d like to examine you.”
Luca stays with me throughout the entire exam, offering both verbal and emotional support. He asks a lot of questions, and I can hear the concerned tone in his voice. I feel so safe.
“Are you ready?” That doesn’t sound good.
I nod nervously. For the first time since the accident, someone is actually telling me how I’m doing.
“First of all, you had more luck than skill. The doctor says it’s almost a miracle that you didn’t sustain any internal injuries or head injuries.
Except for the laceration on your temple that is.
You definitely have to stay in bed for the next three to four days and you must not move your legs.
After that, we can try to see if you can at least be wheeled into the bathroom to use the toilet and wash up. ”
“How am I supposed to go to the bathroom until then. You know, number two?” Not that I’ve had to yet, but if everything goes as it should, it’s probably just a matter of time.
“In bed, with special bedpans that will be placed under your butt.” Fuck.
But it’s my own fault, I just have to take it as it is.
“Okay. If the wheelchair works out well, I can take you outside to the park probably next week. Starting next week, you’ll also have your first physical therapy sessions.
In two weeks, you can go home if you have the right supplies.
That mainly involves cleaning the entry points of the fixator.
Rehab once that thing is gone. But first, you need glasses again. ”
That’s a lot of information, laying out a long road ahead. The semester is over, and all that’s left were the exams. “The doctor wants to know if you have any more questions and if you’d like to stay here or be transferred to Strasbourg.”
No more questions, I shake my head. “You’re here… can I stay here?”
“Yes, that’s possible for the two weeks of acute care.” A huge weight lifts off my shoulders for now. Where I’ll go after that, I have no idea.
“I have a spare pair of glasses… at home… I mean, at my parents’ house…”
“Okay. Do you need anything else?”
“Something to wear on top? And loose boxer shorts and loose short sweatpants? But I have all that in my apartment.” It’s questionable what exactly I’ll actually be able to wear.
“What should I tell your parents?” Nothing, if it were up to me, but that won’t work.
“Just a car accident… I don’t want them here.”