Chapter 35
Noah
“That’s it for today. You’re getting better and better. I never thought we’d get you back on both feet within four months.” Micki raises his hand and I clap it.
My right leg isn’t quite there yet. I’m probably just too impatient, after all, I had that fixator for almost ten weeks. Now I have a brace that gives me stability, but both my strength and mobility are still significantly reduced. I know this is normal, I just want too much.
After all, my pain has decreased significantly, and I was able to switch medications three weeks ago. Since then, I’ve felt more alert and attentive overall. I can read more than five pages again without falling asleep.
“Where’s Luca?” Micki is standing in the kitchen pouring himself a coffee as if it were the most natural thing in the world. It probably is, when you’ve been friends for over twenty years. What do I know?
“Out on his mountain bike. Can I ask you a random question? How did Valérie end up with you guys?”
Micki looks at me, confused, his eyebrows slightly furrowed. “Hasn’t anyone told you the story yet?”
“No. Is Val adopted too?”
“Mathéo is Valérie’s biological father. Val came to us when they were eight months old, after their mother took her own life.” Two piercing brown eyes look at me. Does he know? Luca promised me he wouldn’t tell anyone why I crashed into that tree.
I quickly look away, can’t possibly hold his gaze. “That’s terrible.”
“It always is when a person is so desperate that they see no other way out.”
But if you’re just a burden to everyone else, then maybe it’s only fair to leave. Since my accident, no one here has a life anymore, everyone’s stuck in a rut.
“Noah, you have people here who love you. Let yourself feel it, accept it.” My lower lip trembles.
Luca loves me, for whatever reason, and Luca’s family loves him, which is why they’re bearing the burden of the situation.
For Luca, this has nothing to do with me.
I’m not their child. My own parents dutifully pay every bill and buy their way out of even asking how I’m doing.
“Hi, Luca.”
Startled by Micki’s greeting, I spin around and lose my balance. I didn’t hear him coming home, but before I lose my footing, he wraps his arm around my waist and pulls me close.
“Hi. I love it when you’re in my arms.” I love it too, so much.
When I lie in his arms at night, I could almost forget that I’m not good enough for him, that his life is on hold because of me.
I know what he’s doing, even if he thinks I don’t notice.
He rarely goes to soccer practice anymore, and he only goes mountain biking in the mornings when Micki is here with me.
By now, Jannis doesn’t even ask him anymore to join him. And I wouldn’t even be home alone.
Our entire family life takes place now within these four walls. No restaurant visits on birthdays, no soccer games on weekends, all because of me.
“See you tomorrow, Noah.” Micki gives me a firm hug, and like every time, I’m amazed that so much strength can be hidden in such a slender body.
“See you tomorrow. Say hi to Valérie.”
“Val’s on the road. A major ballet production hired them, and they’re currently touring all over Europe. Valérie keeps posting photos—don’t you follow them?” I do, but I’m not really on social media right now. I can’t handle all those beautiful, happy people there.
“I’ll take a look. Thanks.”
“I’m going to take a shower. Are you coming with me?
” Luca asks that every time, but I still can’t stand without holding on to something, and we don’t have a grab bar.
When I’m alone, I sit. That works fine, but what’s the point of being in the shower together if he’s standing and I’m not?
I silently shake my head, and I see the disappointment in his eyes.
Just for a split second, he’s good at hiding what he really feels.
“Okay, uh, yeah, no problem. See you in a minute. You’ll be fine, right?
” I nod. Luca hesitates, doesn’t want to go without me, but I can’t.
There isn’t even a specific reason, at least none that I’m aware of.
I like it when he touches me, when he leaves no room for doubt about how hot he finds me, how much he loves me.
I like it, I enjoy it in this moment, but it’s wrong.
I’m giving him false hope. He thinks I’m his forever, but I’m not.
Someone like me can never be the forever for someone like Luca Delfosse.
Luca deserves someone who shines by his side, not someone who drags him down.
I’m sitting on the edge of the bed when he exits the bathroom.
“You came upstairs. For me?” Hope flickers in his eyes, and I hate myself for it.
“I wanted to lie down for a bit. I’m tired after physio this morning.” That’s not even a lie.
“Can I lie down with you?” Fuck, I can’t say no, not when he’s looking at me like that.
There’s so much vulnerability in his eyes.
I nod, and he moves closer until he’s standing right in front of me.
Just a towel around his hips, and my body reacts to his.
More intensely than it has in a very long time.
I want to touch him, want him to touch me, his hand around my cock…
Quickly I slide back and curl up on my side without looking at Luca again. He hesitates briefly, then grabs a fresh pair of boxers and a T-shirt from the closet and lies down behind me.
I’m warm, I feel good. I’m dancing with Luca, moving to the beat of the music. My hips grind against his crotch, we’re still laughing, but not for much longer. We both want the same thing, we want to come. Right here in the middle of the dance floor. The music fades… what…?
Where am I? Luca… Fuck. I must have rolled over in my sleep, and my hips are actually grinding, pressing tightly against Luca’s hard cock with every movement.
“You’re hard… since when… ah.” His eyes are closed. “Can you come?”
The question is moot when I shoot my load into my boxers less than two minutes later. I cry out as that incomparable rush of bliss sweeps through my body like a wildfire. Destructive and unstoppable. Wrong.