Chapter 36
Luca
“Do you have a minute?”
Uncertainly I glance at my watch. I just walked in from practice and should have been home ten minutes ago. “Noah’s fine, he’s playing with Dayyan and the twins.”
Noah hasn’t been fine for a long time. He thinks he’s hiding it from me, but I’m not stupid. His smile is a stiff mask, and he flinches when I touch him. He goes to bed before me and pretends to be asleep so I won’t ask if I can hold him.
“What’s up?” I try to sound casual, but I can’t really pull it off.
Jannis looks at me sternly. “You don’t need to put on a show here, not with me. What’s going on with you guys?”
“I… fuck, I have no idea. He’s avoiding me.
It’s gotten even worse since Christmas.” Slowly, I slide down the door and let my forehead rest on my knees.
I knew I shouldn’t have given him that ring, shouldn’t have asked him to marry me.
I knew he wasn’t ready, but I just wanted to show him how serious I am, how much I love him.
But Noah is in a world I no longer have access to. We’re talking past one another.
“I just want to be with him, but he won’t let me.”
“Noah can’t see the light right now.” Confused, I look up at my brother, who is crouching in front of me.
“What do you mean?”
“That’s what Dayyan said after his parents’ accident. Unlike Dayyan, Noah is still trying to function and hide how bad he’s feeling. He’s falling apart right before our eyes, and we’re letting him.”
My head drops back onto my knees, a single tear rolls down my cheek, and I know it’s just the first of so many more that have been building up for months.
Jannis is right, I know it, and it’s all my fault. “What am I supposed to do? He’s not even talking to me anymore.”
“Fuck. Noah, wait.”
That was Jannis. For about a month now he has been speaking with Noah. I have no idea why he’s calling after him now. What happened? I snap my head up only to see my brother sprinting around the corner.
“Fuck!” Desperately, I bang my head back against the door, searching for a pain that goes deeper than the one that’s been with me for months.
I’m losing Noah, and there’s nothing I can do.
Helplessly, I have to watch as he drifts further away every day.
That is, when he’s awake, when he knows what he’s doing.
At night, I get to hold him when he snuggles up to me in his sleep, seeking my closeness.
When he breaks down and cries in his dreams, I get to comfort him. Then he’s with me.
I should get up, go after him, show him that he’s not alone, even if we just sit in silence and even if I can no longer bear the silence between us.
I’d love to yell at him, shake him awake. Scream at him. Just because you don’t notice me anymore doesn’t mean I don’t exist. I’m here, damn it. And I love you more than my own life. But I don’t.
Instead I trudge up the stairs and stay silent as I enter our room. Noah is sitting on the bed with his back to the door. His hands in his lap, his head bowed, his shoulders trembling. I want to be there for him, hold him in my arms, dry his tears, but I can’t anymore.
Right in front of him, I fall to my knees and rest my head in his lap.
We sit like that for what feels like an eternity.
My nightmare has come true. I have to get up and leave the room without a word from Noah.
I can’t stay. Just as I’m about to stand up, a slender hand reaches into my curls.
Nothing more. Not a word, and yet more than I dared to hope for.
***
The last three days have been different. Noah has been more open, has sought more physical closeness, has fallen asleep in my arms. I have no explanation for his changed behavior, but I don’t want to question it either.
Louis is staying with us over the weekend, David is away on business with his father for a few days, and Noah even suggested that Jannis, Louis, and I should go for a ride on our mountain bikes together. Papa and Paps are out with the twins, so it would be perfect, he said.
My phone vibrates and my smartwatch shows a message from Noah. I dismiss it with a smile. I’ll read it when we get up the hill. We’ll be there soon, and then I can send a photo too.
He’d like it here. Right now, that’s still unthinkable, not by bike anyway, and not even on foot yet. But Micki says it’s a realistic goal. He’s the physical therapist, he must know, right?
Once I reach the top, I open the message.
Mon Chéri, dear Luca,
Thank you for everything. Thank you for showing me that it’s possible to love me.
Thank you for every smile you’ve brought to my lips.
Thank you for everything you’ve done for me over the past year.
I’m sorry I couldn’t give you more in return.
I’m sorry I let you down, that you had to suffer so much and give up so much because of me.
You didn’t deserve that and you still don’t.
I can’t do this anymore. I can’t continue to be a burden to everyone around me, especially not to you. Don’t worry about me. I’ll be fine. I won’t be in pain anymore, and you’ll be free. You’ll see, everything will be okay.
I love you more than anything. Thank you for letting me share my love with you. That was the best time of my life. But I can’t just think of myself if it ruins your life. I hope you get to do all the things you’ve always wanted to do.
Love, Noah.
“Luca?”
What does this mean? What does he mean by that? Does he mean…?
“Luca, what’s wrong? You’re as white as a sheet.” I hear my brothers somewhere in the background as I tap to call.
Voicemail. “Fuck!”
“Luca, what…?” Jannis takes the phone out of my hand.
I’m paralyzed, unable to do anything. I’m up here, an hour and a half away from home.
The message came in twenty minutes ago. No matter what I do now, I’ll always be too late.
Maybe it’s already too late right now. My lower lip starts to tremble.
Jannis’s voice. “Dayyan? Where are you? ... Find Noah. Now! … I don’t know. Hurry up.”