Chapter 37
Noah
I could just throw myself down the stairs. Maybe I’d break my neck. The idea is tempting. Not being here anymore, not being a burden to anyone.
“Have you talked to élias and Mathéo yet? I’m not sure if we can go this summer.” Philipp’s words from four days ago still ring in my ears.
Luca has applied for another semester off. Reason: caring for a close relative. He didn’t tell me, hell he didn’t even ask me. There was no conversation about it, nothing. I just found out from the application form. His life has come to a standstill. Because of me.
Everyone is being considerate of me. Everyone’s entire life revolves solely around the question of what is reasonable for me and what isn’t. I loom over everyone like a black shadow. I’m dragging everyone down with me.
I can’t go on like this. It has to stop. Maybe they’ll miss me at first, but when they realize how much more freedom they have without me, they’ll be grateful.
I look down the stairs again and dismiss the thought. With my luck, I’d only make things worse. I go into the bathroom, pulling box after box out of the cabinet.
There’s a reason these high-dose painkillers are prescription-only. I have tons of them from the past year—the weak ones, the ones that knocked me out, and the leftovers.
Carefully, I empty each bottle into my hand, then fill my toothbrush cup with water and sit down on the cool tile floor in front of the toilet.
Everything is quiet. Silent tears run down my cheeks. I see Luca, hope it isn’t him who finds me, and write one last message.
***
The bathroom door opens. I squint my eyes, expecting screams, chaos. Shame washes over me. I’ve failed again, I’m really good for nothing.
Everything remains quiet. Soft footsteps approach me and someone sits down next to me.
I don’t need to see his face, I recognize him by the dark olive tone of his skin.
As if it were the most natural thing in the world, he reaches for my open hand and closes it around the handful of pills, but doesn’t take them away from me.
“Hey, Noah.”
“Dayyan.” My voice breaks after just that one word, and he puts his arm around my shoulder.
“Sometimes it’s hard to see the light, isn’t it?” I nod.
But sometimes it’s also hard to see how others aren’t allowed to shine because of me. I’m still clutching the pills.
“After my parents died, things were very dark for a very long time. So dark I couldn’t take care of anything anymore.
Not my brothers, not my studies, not myself.
Let’s not even talk about Jannis. I’m not taking the pills away from you.
But you’ve been sitting here for at least half an hour now, and you still have them in your hand.
Why? Is there still some light out there somewhere? ”
I close my eyes and there’s Luca. Always Luca. “I want him to live his life the way he always wanted to. I can’t keep holding him back.”
“You can decide about your own life, Noah, but not about Luca’s.
If you say, ‘I can’t go on like this anymore, I’m in constant pain, and my life is hell,’ then I’ll get up and leave.
If you’re sitting here because your head is telling you you’re doing us a favor, then I’ll stay.
You can’t decide for Luca how he wants to live his life.
Maybe he’d rather carry you up the stairs for the rest of his life than spend even a single day without you. ”
Is that so?
“But what if he resents me someday?”
“Now is not the right time to worry about ‘someday.’ What do you want right now? Do you want to leave, or do you want to stay?”
I want to cling to Luca for the rest of my life. But…
“You want to stay. I want you to stay, too.”
For the first time today, I look at him. It sounds so easy coming from him. “You know what’s beautiful about being at rock bottom? It can only go up from here, even if you can’t see it yet.” True, I can’t. “Join me. Breathe in. Breathe out. The worst is over now.”
Suddenly, the bathroom door slams against the wall.
“Noah…?!” I hear the abysmal despair in his voice, the tears, the panic. It’s my fault.
The shame is back, paralyzing me. I want to say his name, but I can’t. He drops to his knees in front of me, wants to touch me, but then pulls back.
Please hold me in your arms. Please hold me tight.
Carefully, he reaches for my clenched hand. “What’s that?”
“They’re pills.” Dayyan answers for me as he slowly stands up, and holds out his open palm to me. “May I?”
I don’t answer. Instead, I open my fingers.
“Do you still need these?” I silently shake my head.
“Mon Papillon? Why?”
“Because I’m ruining your whole life. You could have so much more. You’re not going to university because of me. You can’t travel because of me. Look at me. I’m a cripple, and it’s all my fault.”
He looks at me, completely baffled. “Because I want to study with you. I want to travel with you. I want to find out where our path is leading. Together. We have all the time in the world, why can’t I be here with you right now? I know what I could have, but I don’t want it without you. Any of it.”
Helplessly, he kneels in front of me, as if he suddenly no longer knows what he’s allowed to do and what he isn’t, as if new rules now apply to our relationship. Maybe that’s the case, maybe I’ve set them myself over the last few months, unconsciously.
Sobs shake his big, strong body, as he breaks down. What have I done? What did I want to do to him?
“I think it would be good for both of you if you hugged each other.” Dayyan’s voice is soft, almost a whisper. Luca looks at me pleadingly, and I nod.
Slowly and carefully, he slides between my legs. With gentle, practiced movements, he guides me until I’m sitting in his lap. There is so much tenderness in everything he does. So much love.
“It will never be the same again.” I look at him, wanting him to understand, no matter how much it hurts.
“I know.” Luca’s expression is serious as his hands cup my face.
There’s no superficial talk, no act like the kind he usually puts on when things get tough.
Not to fool me or others, but to shield himself from an uncomfortable truth.
“I knew that the moment I saw you trapped in that car, and for sure when your legs were free. I had hours to run through every possible scenario. That you’d be walking on both legs again someday wasn’t one of them.
You’ve come so much further than most people ever thought possible.
” That’s thanks to Micki, I’m one hundred percent sure of that.
“You’re not done here yet, damn it. We’re not done yet. I love you.”
With those words, he pulls me close and wraps his arms around me. His decision.