Chapter 20
Twenty
Emma
I’m warm.
There have been times since Malcolm died that I dreamed of him. I dreamed of the yelling, of being afraid, of him coming back and not being dead at all.
For the first time in so long, I dream of being happy.
It’s not a dream of anything in particular—more of a feeling of being content.
But when morning comes, the dream ends, and I’m very aware of the large, warm body cuddled up to me.
I don’t want this to stop.
I smile at his cock nudging my backside. It’s basic biology and he can’t help it, but it’s flattering. I wriggle back against him.
“Are you trying to start something?” Caleb nibbles on my ear and I laugh.
I pull away and roll onto my back, his arm still under my neck. “You beat me to that.”
He looks down. “Oh. Sorry.”
His eyes dance with amusement as he pulls me closer.
“Caleb.” I’m breathless. He’s so close.
Caleb presses his lips to mine. The kiss starts slow, but when his tongue sweeps across the seam of my lips, I open up.
It’s been so long since I’ve been kissed like this, and it’s new and familiar all at once. We used to make out for hours in his car.
“Always did love kissing you,” Caleb says when he finally lets me up for air.
He brushes his lips along my jaw, and I sigh, snuggling in closer against him.
The chest underneath me shakes with laughter.
“Are you comfortable?” Caleb’s deep voice breaks through my bliss.
I take a deep breath. “Yes,” I mumble.
His breathing’s slow—consistent. It’s everything I need.
“Good.”
My palm rests on his stomach—the softness of his warm skin comforting. My head rests on his chest.
“You can touch me if you want.” The bemusement in his voice makes me blush.
I slide my hand down into his boxer shorts. One of his arms rests under me, the other hand skims my cheek, barely brushing the surface. I’m not sure I’ll ever get used to his gentleness with me.
Taking his cock firmly in hand, I give it a squeeze before running my hand from base to tip.
He pushes down the duvet and wriggles out of his shorts, giving me a full view of him standing to attention.
“Emma.” His tone is needy, desperate. I swipe pre-cum from the tip of his cock and smear it down his length.
He arches his back and his grip on me tightens.
I keep going, stroking up and down, never dropping my gaze.
I’ve never done this in my life, but from Caleb’s quickened breath and the way he’s holding me, I’m doing it right.
I scooch down the bed, lick my lips and lower my head, taking his cock in my mouth and swirling my tongue around the tip.
Caleb groans, and I keep up the pace, taking as much of him as I can, sliding my tongue up and down.
“Oh my God, Emma. That feels amazing. I’m going to come.”
His cock pulses, and I swallow him down before raising my head.
“Hey.” His eyes search mine.
I wipe my hand on the sheet and raise it to his cheek before closing the gap between us and kissing him.
My heart’s beating at about a million beats per minute, but he just lets me kiss him for a moment before rolling over and pressing me into the mattress, his lips pressing down hard as his tongue seeks entry.
I’m taken back to our teenage years, the making out we used to do before we were sixteen.
For a moment our tongues tangle, but a sudden smack against the bedroom door makes us spring apart.
My gaze shoots to the door.
There’s a pause before Caleb rests his head on my shoulder and barks out a laugh. “I’m guessing that’s our cue to get out of bed.”
He raises his head and mischief dances in his eyes.
“I guess so.” I turn my head to look at the wall clock. “It’s time for breakfast.”
“You … what you just did …”
My cheeks flush.
“I want to make you feel good in return.”
I run my fingers over his jaw, the stubble rough. “It’s okay.”
“No, it’s not. I don’t want this to feel one-sided.”
“Caleb.” I cup his cheek. “I know it’s not. But I’m getting out of bed before the door opens and our bubble is burst.”
He turns his head and kisses my palm. “Okay, but tonight …”
“Tonight.”
He kisses me again, and I close my eyes, lost in sensation. When we came back, I knew I had to tell Caleb about Noah, but I thought he’d be angry.
I never thought he’d be here with me.
This feels so right.
“Are you two together?” Bailey’s eyes flick between us.
They were all silent this morning, already sitting at the kitchen table with bowls of cereal by the time we came downstairs.
“I don’t—”
“Yes.” Caleb’s voice booms.
I raise my eyebrows at him, and a grin spreads on his lips.
“It’s complicated,” I say.
The kids and I never talked about this—about me moving on with someone else.
She snorts. “Why? Caleb’s Noah’s dad, so we know you’ve had sex at least once before.”
“Bailey.” I slam my hand to my mouth.
“Mum.” She mimics my tone, and everyone laughs. Her voice softens. “It’s okay. We like seeing you happy.”
Caleb kisses my temple. “I’ll make the coffee. You take a seat. What do you want to eat?”
Bailey smirks. I know what she’s thinking. That never happened in our old life—it was always me preparing the food.
“Just the coffee to start with. Then I’ll see.”
“Good thinking.”
Bailey and Kiera exchange a glance and smile.
“Hey, baby.” I sit beside Jason and ruffle his hair.
“I got my own cereal this morning.” The Weet-bix sprays from his lips as he speaks.
“Say it, don’t spray it,” Kiera says.
Jason giggles.
“Good boy.” I kiss the top of his head.
“Here we go.” Caleb places a mug of coffee in front of me and takes a seat beside me. “What’s everyone up to today?”
“After yesterday? Probably very little,” I say.
“That sounds good.” He grins.
I sit back and observe as Caleb interacts with my children. He takes his time talking to each one and listening to their answers.
He’s making the effort, and I fall a little deeper watching him.
How can I resist?
“Did you want me to stay again tonight?” he asks after dinner.
Everyone else has scattered, and we’re alone in the kitchen.
“If you want to.”
He wraps his arms around my waist and kisses me softly.
“If I had my way, I’d never leave.”
My cheeks flush.
I draw in a deep breath. “Are you sure about this? About us?”
“Never been so sure about anything in my life. Do you have doubts?”
I shrug. “It’s just … We’re both so different since we were together last time.”
Caleb tilts his head and studies me closely. “I know that. I’ve spent weeks in this house spending time with you.”
“And you’re still here.”
He smiles. “I’m not going anywhere.”
“Let’s just take it day by day.”
Caleb pulls me closer, and I wrap my arms around his chest as he holds me tight.
“That sounds fair. Tonight I’m up for paying you back for this morning.”
I laugh, and he presses a kiss in my hair. “Okay.”
“Can we go to bed now?”
He lets me go and I press my palms to his chest. “Might be a bit early. Not while my kids are still up.”
He nods. “Again. Fair. Let’s find a movie or something to watch. It might keep me distracted for a while.”
When we enter the living room, Noah’s sitting on the couch, flicking through channels.
“Don’t you have your own TV?” I ask.
“Yeah, but I thought I’d hang out with my mum and dad if that’s okay.”
Caleb reaches for my hand and squeezes.
Mum and Dad.
I love it, but I’m so torn when the others don’t have Caleb for a father. How different would everything have been for us?
“That’d be great.” Caleb beams.
He sits beside Noah on the couch, and the two of them start going through the movie channels before settling on some action film.
I watch with folded arms and a smile on my face.
I don’t care what we watch. My boys are together and happy and that’s what matters to me.
“Mum? Are you okay with this?”
“I’m happy with anything.”
Noah narrows his eyes. “Are you sure? I don’t want you agreeing just because—”
“Noah. I’m fine. I don’t care what’s on the screen as long as I’m with you two.”
Caleb holds out his arm. “Come on, babe.”
I cross the room and sit beside him. He wraps his arm around me and kisses my temple.
“This’ll take some getting used to,” Noah says.
“What?” I laugh.
“You two being together. I never thought …”
I smile at Caleb. “Neither did I, but here we are.” Nodding toward the TV, I shift my gaze back to Noah. “Get that movie started.”
Cuddled up on the couch with the man I love, and our son is bliss.
I couldn’t ask for more.
As soon as the movie’s over, Noah takes off to his own room and leaves Caleb and I on the couch.
“We should go to bed.”
I pat his chest. “I think you’re right.”
“You go, and I’ll get everything closed up for the night.”
My heart thuds, and I give him a small nod before mounting the stairs.
I’m not waiting for him—I strip down to my underwear and climb into bed before I take off my bra and panties.
This is it.
I want Caleb Baxter more than anything else on the planet right now.
My family is safe, and now it’s my turn to get what I need.
“That’s all done, and now I get to …”
He pushes the door shut behind him and trails off when he lays eyes on me.
“Are you naked under there?”
I shrug.
He grins. “I’m a lucky, lucky man.”
“Come over here and maybe you will be.”
Tonight has filled me with bravado.
Spending time with Caleb and my family has been so good for me.
He tugs his T-shirt over his head. I love his chest. It’s solid with hair—nothing too much, but nothing like it was when we were together the first time.
Oh, hell, I love everything about his body.
He opens his wallet and pulls out a condom before throwing the billfold to the floor and taking his pants and boxers off.
He’s naked.
Caleb Baxter is in my bedroom, naked, and he’s hard.
I’ve never seen such hunger in his eyes before.
Caleb pulls back the covers and climbs into the bed until his naked body is next to mine. His heat is comforting beside me, but my heart races so fast I feel faint.
But I want this.
God, how I want him.
He slips his hand between my legs, his rough fingers finding my clit.
This is something I’ve wanted for years—to be touched the way I should have been from the start.
When Caleb and I were together, we fumbled through it at first.
“Are you okay?” he asks.
I nod, even though I’m not sure I am.
It’s so much—too much. Emotion overwhelms me, but my eyelids flutter as he strokes me gently. He slips a finger inside me and back over my clit, covering it in my own wetness.
“You’re so beautiful, Emma. And you’re all mine.”
Panic rises in me, but I damp it down. This is Caleb. He’s not going to hurt me. He’s going to treat me like his equal and not the way I was for my whole marriage. He’s going to love me, and he wants to make me happy.
If I ask him to stop he will.
But I stroke his arm and urge him on.
His fingers speed up, and tension pools in my stomach.
My brain is screaming at me to stop—to not let this go too far. It’s so intense, and every synapse fires as I lose control and wave after wave of pleasure hits me.
Caleb slows, his gaze locked onto my face.
“You’re so beautiful when you come. Spread your legs for me, babe.”
I do it without thinking—just like I have a million times before.
It’s Caleb. He loves me. He wants a future with me.
This isn’t the same.
He hovers over me, and my gaze fixes on his cock. He’s already rolled the condom on.
Wait.
Numbness spreads over me, and he guides himself inside me.
“Caleb. Stop,” I croak.
He pulls, the colour draining from his face. “Emma?”
“I can’t do this.”
“Baby, I would never hurt—”
“I know.” Tears stream down my face. “It’s a cliché, but it’s not you, it’s me. I can’t do this right now.”
He sighs softly, and nods. “It’s okay. You know that, right? It’s going to take time to heal, and I understand that. We moved too fast.”
“I’m sorry.”
Caleb shakes his head and moves closer, flicking away the tears with his thumbs. I close my eyes as he presses a long kiss to my forehead.
“There’s nothing to be sorry about,” he murmurs. “I’ll give you the space you need, but I want you to know that I’m in love with you. I’ll wait. However long it takes.”
“It’s already been twenty-seven years.” I hiccup through the tears.
He smiles. “And when you’re ready, we can spend the rest of our lives together. But you need more time, and I understand that.”
“I’m so messed up.”
Caleb’s arms wrap around me. “No, you just have some things you have to work through in your head. This is something you need to talk to your counsellor about.”
I nod.
He places a soft kiss in my hair. “You and those kids need to be healthy, and you’ve all been through a lot.”
“I’m so sorry.”
He rolls off me and shakes his head. “You have nothing to be sorry about.”
“This is all just too much. I thought I could handle it. I thought …”
I wring my hands together, and he clamps one of his over top. “It’s okay.”
“You’re not mad?”
“No, of course I’m not. This is a big thing for you.”
Caleb Baxter is in my bed. Naked. And I just broke in front of him.
“It is, but I said I wanted it.”
His warm eyes drink me in. “And you can say no at any time. Why would you think otherwise?”
Understanding dawns on his face.
“Oh, fuck. Oh, baby. I’m so—”
“If you say sorry one more time …”
He nods, and cups my cheek with his hand. “I’m not him, and I know you know that. But I just want to say it again.”
“I know,” I whisper. “I know, but my brain …”
“Is still fucking with you. I get that. I’ll never do anything to hurt you.”
Tears fall down my cheeks. He swipes them away before gesturing downward.
“I’ll just go to the bathroom and get rid of this. Do you want me to stay or …”
I nod. “I’d like it if you stayed like last night.”
He gives me such a soft smile and my heart pangs.
“But …” I continue. “I need to knock this on the head for a while. It’s a lot, and I need time out.”
His face drops. “I understand. I’ll give you the space you need.”
As he closes the ensuite door, I’m gripped with regret.
Have I done the right thing?
No. I’m done second guessing myself. This is something I need to talk about in counselling—it’s a topic we haven’t discussed in detail.
If I’m ever going to be with Caleb in a real relationship, I need help with this.
Even if it means a break from him for a while.