Chapter 19
. . .
Xavier
I spin to face Reuben. “Did you arrange this?” I snap.
His stunned face eases some of my anger. “No, of fucking course I didn’t. I thought he was off the island.”
Something about that confession stings me. Like he knew Grey might be here, and he kept that knowledge a secret. And I have to wonder at both those things, and why Grey is here on this beach right now.
“No,” he says, reading my dismay. “Nothing like that. Don’t think that. I wanted time with you, and I wanted to share Iona with you. It’s special to me.”
Thoughts tumble through my head too fast for me to parse any of them. It’s such an abrupt shift from what was happening before—what was happening between us. Going from sudden blistering happiness to suspicion so quickly has me reeling.
“Xavi—”
Whatever he’s about to say gets cut off when Grey recognises him, and calls out, “Reuben!” He comes up beside us, his face splitting into a wide smile. “Logan said you were here.”
Bernard sidles close to me, pushing into my leg. I pet him and tug gently on his ear watching the two men in front of me.
Grey is dragging Reuben into a hug, and it’s such a familiar and easy gesture.
They’ve probably hugged thousands of times.
I have a sudden flash of walking into that hotel bedroom and seeing the two of them naked in each other’s arms. I swallow hard, feeling a wave of nausea, and take an involuntary step back.
The movement drags Grey’s attention away from Reuben. I was standing behind Reuben, so I don’t think he saw me properly before. But he has now. I watch as his eyes widen. “Xavier?” he says.
Reuben extricates himself from the hug and steps back. My heart warms a little when he instantly drags me into him, his arm over my shoulder. “Yes,” he says.
“Oh my god,” Grey says. “I can’t believe it’s you. Logan said Reuben was on the island, and I guessed he’d be at the beach.”
Reuben groans. “He didn’t say anything about Xavier?”
Grey shakes his head. “No, but he was dealing with a customer.” He looks between us, and I’m stunned to see his smile go impossibly huge. “Oh my god, this is brilliant.”
Somehow, I didn’t expect that. I thought I’d see some sort of jealousy. God knows if it were me seeing Reuben with an old lover, I’d be jealous. Horribly so.
The ground suddenly seems a little unstable. I look hesitantly between the two of them. Reuben still looks a bit stunned, as if he’s been kicked in the balls, and he keeps shooting me anxious little looks, thinking I haven’t noticed.
Grey steps closer and offers his hand. I stare, and the moment stretches a little too long for politeness. Then I raise my hand and shake his. I stiffen when he then drags me into a hug. “I can’t believe you’re with him. You’re back together. That’s wonderful.”
I look at Reuben for help. “Erm.”
He reaches in and pulls Grey gently back. “It’s complicated,” he says.
“But you’ve finally told him everything. That’s obvious. He wouldn’t be here if he didn’t know.”
Reuben makes a quick gesture, clearly telling him to shut up, and Grey falters.
“Everything?” I say after a long silence.
Grey licks his lips and looks apologetically at Reuben. “Hmm,” he finally settles for saying.
“Well, it’s time for us to go,” Reuben says, taking my hand. “It was absolutely lovely to see you again, Grey.”
“Oh, you too,” he says quickly. “You too.” He bugs his eyes out at Reuben.
“Let’s not do it again this millennium.”
I dig my heels in when Reuben tries to pull me along. “Actually, I think I’d like to get to know Grey better,” I say slowly.
“Oh my god, no,” Reuben breathes in horror, and I have the sudden, inappropriate urge to laugh.
Grey’s eyes twinkle, but my humour fades as quickly as it came because my heart is hammering. I need to know what Grey’s talking about, because I have a feeling it’s something to do with the abrupt way Reuben ended things in that Cotswold hotel.
At the time, I’d been blinded with anger at his betrayal. Now I’m seeing many things differently.
That knowledge that Reuben is still wearing his wedding ring and that he loves me has changed everything.
Or maybe all the weeks together have done that, and the kiss was a reflection of the alteration in our relationship.
I’ve remembered things about Reuben I’d pushed away for so long—how kind he is, how honourable, how much I love him.
Because I do, fully and with every atom of my blood and bone, but it’s an adult love with a full awareness of his faults rather than the idealistic version I’d felt at nineteen.
That Xavier had felt things so passionately but was young enough to be blinded by that passion, to only see part of the picture in front of him.
Now I’m a man fully and clear-sightedly in love with the idiot currently shifting from foot to foot as if preparing our escape route.
And I’m ready to fight for him and fight for my happiness because the two things are so entwined that I’ll never get free, and I don’t want to. And Grey is the key to all of this.
Grey is watching me, his eyes bright, and I’m still not feeling any of my old jealousy. Once I’d entertained myself with visions of Reuben choosing me over Grey and Grey devastated and crying, but that form of entertainment is long gone.
Grey eyes me consideringly. “Why don’t I make us all a cup of tea?”
“Why don’t you not do that?” Reuben snaps.
“I think that is a very good idea,” I say.
Grey’s eyes twinkle. “Let’s go, then. My house is just up the road.”
“Do I not get a say in this?” Reuben asks plaintively.
I shake my head. “No.”
“But we’ll miss the ferry.”
“You can stay in the Airbnb,” Grey says smoothly. “It’s empty now.”
“Have I ever told you how glad I am for your friendship?”
“No, never.”
“Good. Glad I’m not breaking a habit, then.”
I look between them, confused. Theirs is not an old lovers vibe. It’s more like old friends sniping at each other.
Grey smiles at me, and I realise how kind it is. “Let’s go.”
We follow him up the path. I click my fingers at Bernard and he bounces up next to me, his mouth open in a doggy grin.
“I have to say I’ve been looking forward to meeting you for a long time,” Grey calls back. “We met so briefly before.”
Reuben’s shoulders go rigid at that casual mention of the last time we were all together.
I roll my eyes. “I must say I’m very glad you’ve got your clothes on this time.”
Grey bursts into loud laughter.
Reuben sighs. “Grey, please,” he says plaintively.
Grey waves a careless hand. “What? I like him.”
We come to a large, white-painted house looking out over the sea. Grey opens the gate and gestures us through. “Go on up. The door is open. I just want to check on Caleb.”
“Caleb?” I ask.
His eyes twinkle. “My boyfriend. He’s a potter and he’s in his studio. I didn’t have time to tell him I was back, because I wanted to catch Reuben before the ferry left.”
He parts from us and goes to an outbuilding at the bottom of the garden.
I watch Bernard as he investigates the garden, obviously enchanted by all the different scents.
“Xavier?”
I realise Reuben is talking to me and drag my attention back to him. “Yes?”
“We don’t have to do this.” His eyes are turbulent. “Let’s just get the ferry home. Let’s leave all this behind us for good and don’t look back. We were doing so well on the beach.”
I shake my head. “No, I think we should talk.”
“Why?” It’s loud for Reuben, and I stare at him. He runs his hand through his hair. It’s loose and salt-tangled.
“Because there’s something here. Something that’s always been between us, and I need to understand that.”
“Why?” he asks again.
“Because while I’ve never forgotten you, I wasn’t allowed to love you.”
“Who said that?” he flares.
“Me,” I say simply, and he subsides.
I try to find the words to explain. “I haven’t been able to truly forgive you, and I think I need to do that, or at least understand.
The fact that you slept with him so easily while you were with me that week has always haunted me a little.
I thought I’d be okay with it after time passed.
” I shrug. “I told myself we never made promises to each other, and at the time I was too young for you, and you were too fucked up. It probably wouldn’t have worked even if you hadn’t slept with Grey.
” He sucks in a deep breath, and I continue slowly, “But I loved you, and you hurt me so badly. You were the first person I loved, and you ripped out my heart.”
“I’m sorry,” he says. His face is tortured, and I reach out and hug him. He inhales and his arms band tight around me.
I move back a little and cup his face in my hands.
It’s such a strong face, the bones and angles impossibly dear to me.
“I don’t know anymore what you’re apologising for, Reuben.
Once I would have thought it was for shagging around.
Now?” I shake my head. “Now I think it’s something else, something even more serious than that, and while I can get over the way you behaved in the past, this secret will probably end up destroying the future.
Our future. That’s why I don’t want it to be a secret. ”
He’s breathing heavily. “I don’t want to tell you.”
My eyes sharpen. “Don’t want to? That’s an odd thing to say.”
“It will hurt you.”
“You’ve already done that.”
Footsteps sound, and Reuben groans as Grey comes up next to us. “It’s cold,” he chides. “Go on inside, the two of you.”
I let go of Reuben, feeling his arms release me reluctantly and turn to Grey. “Thank you,” I say slowly.
He smiles. His hair is ruffled, his mouth a little swollen, so he’s obviously been welcomed home. “No problem.”
He steps past us and up onto a veranda, opening the front door and beckoning us in.
Reuben whistles for the dog as I walk into the house. It’s open-plan, with warm, bright colours and a log burner crackling merrily.
“This is lovely,” I say.