Chapter 19 #3
He grimaces. “Actually, your relationship with Jez is part of the story.” He takes a breath. “Jez knew about you and Reuben.”
I jerk in shock. “What? How?”
“He saw the two of you together. I don’t know the exact details.”
“Hope we were clothed,” I say offhand. “Oh, my god. What did he do? Reuben never said anything to me.”
“Ah, that was the agreement.”
I sit up straight, my heart hammering. “What agreement?” I say sharply.
“After Sean’s funeral, Jez told Reuben that if Reuben attempted to see you after that week, he would cut off all contact with you. Jez vowed never to see you again if Reuben maintained any relationship with you.”
I can’t seem to comprehend his words. “And Reuben agreed to that?”
“He couldn’t put you through it.”
“Through what? Knowing a shitty person like Jez? Wow, I’m so fucking grateful and honoured.” My shock is fading and being replaced by rage. “This is it? This is why Reuben ditched me and jumped into bed with you.”
He says urgently, “It’s not that simple. Jez was a piece of work, Xavier. I knew him for years and never liked him. He was excessively good at manipulating Reuben. He and Reuben formed a bond of friendship at school, and Jez used that bond selfishly.”
“He was very odd about their relationship,” I say through numb lips. “He was far too possessive of him.”
“I know. I said it all along. But think, Xavier.” I look up when he puts his hand over mine.
“You know Reuben. He’s loyal and will put a friend ahead of his own well-being without a second’s thought.
You?” He shakes his head. “He’d have lain down and let Jez run him over without any hesitation if he thought it might help you.
Reuben would have watched his own world burn for you. And he did.”
I feel sick. “Why?”
“Because he was in love with you.”
I blink. “Even then?”
“Of course he was. He fell hard and fast and never recovered. You’re the love of his fucking life.”
I stand up in agitation, and the stool topples over. “He was so in love with me, yet he did what Jez wanted? Just like that.”
“No, I would imagine it took a lot of soul searching. Sit down, please,” he says calmly.
I slowly lower myself onto the stool. “Cast your mind back and put yourself in Reuben’s shoes.
He was suffering from PTSD and being forced to go back into the job that caused it.
He goes with his best friend to meet his friend’s long-lost son, and you turn up.
You’re bold and beautiful and far too young, but he can’t keep away from you, and the guilt over what he’s doing is eating him alive.
He falls so quickly and completely for you, despite being tormented by all the reasons to stay away.
He’s too old for you, he’s damaged by his job, and being with him is going to cost you the family he thinks you’ve waited all your life for. What would you have done, Xavier?”
I shake my head, trying to refute his argument, but I can’t. “He could have told me.”
“Jez extracted a promise from him not to tell you, and a promise always binds Reuben. He takes his word seriously.”
I rub my eyes. I’ve been aware of many of Reuben’s reasons for ending things for years, but hearing Grey spell them out so clearly—and hearing about what an absolute shit Jez was to Reuben—allows me to see it all in stark relief.
Reuben honestly thought he had no choice but to end things. And so for me, it was very much a case of falling in love with the perfect man at the shittiest time.
I look up at Grey. “So, he decided to ditch me and jumped straight into bed with you?”
“No.” The word is loud enough to make me startle. He gives me a weak smile. “Think,” he urges. “Do you really think he would have done that?”
I bite my lip. “No,” I say slowly. “It’s the thing that never made any sense and what made me the angriest. The Reuben I knew then and now would never have been so cruel.
If I’d considered it, I’d have thought he’d just sack me off gently and send me on my way.
That’s why it fucked me up to find you naked in each other’s arms. I couldn’t get that image out of my head. ”
“We didn’t shag each other,” he says urgently. “Not then and not for many months before that.”
“So why were you naked?”
He sits back in his chair. “I came to the hotel because I was worried about Reuben. He sounded odd in a phone call we had. Odd enough to make me drive over. I saw Jez and he encouraged me to see Reuben in his room, telling me Reuben would be pleased to see me. Jez talked another key for Reuben’s room out of the receptionist, and I used that to get into Reuben’s room.
He was very surprised to see me when he arrived. Shortly before you did.”
I blink in shock. “Oh, my god.”
“What?”
“Jez gave me the key to Reuben’s room as well.”
His eyes narrow. “I thought I heard you mention it at the time, but it was all rather fraught, so I never thought anything more of it.” He whistles. “What a busy boy Jez was.”
“So that’s how you got naked. How did Reuben lose his clothes?”
“He was soaking wet. He was at the funeral when Jez gave him the ultimatum. He said he’d been walking for hours trying to work out what to do.
He was taking his clothes off to get dry when you walked in.
Reuben saw your horrified reaction, and he took the awful opportunity to break things off.
Quickly and permanently. I have to say I didn’t approve then, and I don’t approve now. ”
“I hate Jez so much right now,” I say harshly.
“Not Reuben?”
I look up at him startled. “No, not anymore.” I shake my head. “I haven’t hated him for a long time. Maybe I never really did.” I grimace. “I knew I didn’t mean anything to Jez so I never expected him to treat me well, but Reuben was his best friend. How could Jez do that to him?”
“I always thought he wanted him for himself but couldn’t admit it,” Grey offers. “He was so possessive of him.”
I groan and lower my face to the counter.
“This is like some sort of plot to a soap opera,” I say into the granite.
My brain’s become mush, and I feel dizzy over how quickly my whole worldview has been upended.
It’s difficult to be utterly convinced of something for years and then have it turn out to be completely wrong.
“Xavier.”
I look up after Grey quietly says my name.
“Reuben was completely devastated after he lost you. He came back from Afghanistan the last time, and he was so fucked up. He was drinking heavily and at the height of his PTSD. I was afraid to leave him alone for a long time. I practically moved into his cottage in the Highlands.”
“Why are you telling me that?”
“The same reason you’re speaking to me. Reuben won’t tell you himself and you need to know all of him.”
“It makes my heart hurt.” I sigh. “I’m grateful you were there for him, but I feel so bad I didn’t know.”
“Don’t be. He didn’t want you to know, and he went to a lot of effort to make sure that you didn’t.”
“Yes, that’s part of the problem too. Thank you for helping him.”
“It was my pleasure.” He hesitates. “I hope you’ll be okay with us being friends. I don’t think I’d recognise a world where I wasn’t Reuben’s friend.”
“I would never come between Reuben and a friend,” I say instantly. “I don’t want him to lose anything more in his life.”
“Thank you.” He shrugs. “So that’s it. That’s the whole story.”
I lower my head back to the counter and consider staying this way forever. I groan. “What a mess. It’s a good job he’s pretty and good in bed because he surely is a lot of fucking work.”
I hear the door open, and then Reuben’s voice echoes like a gunshot. “What the hell? Xavier? Are you alright?”
His hands are gentle but insistent as he pulls me up. His eyes are frantic when our gazes catch and hold. He strokes my face. “What is it?” He looks over at Grey. “What have you said to him?”
“The truth,” I say softly.
He curses long and creatively for a few seconds and then turns on Grey. “You promised not to say anything.”
Grey grimaces. “Not really.”
“His response was a nod. It was a technicality,” I tell Reuben.
Grey stirs. “I’ll just be in the utility room while you talk.”
I stand up. “It’s fine. We’re going.” I reach into my pocket and grab the key. “Will you look after Bernard?”
“Is that the giant puppy currently digging up my garden?”
“He shows his love differently to other people, and he’s a tiny baby.”
“He really isn’t, but fine. I’ll look after him.” He makes a shooing gesture at Reuben. “Go and talk. Ring if you come up for air after that and want food or need to speak to me.”
“How about I don’t ever speak to you again, and we’ll say that’s a technicality too?”
I roll my eyes. “Don’t be so fucking dramatic, Reuben.”
“I like this one,” Grey calls after us. “Please keep him.”