CHAPTER FOUR #4
“I’m so sorry Grandpa. I ... Natalia’s ex ... he came looking for her. I ended him and rolled the car into the lake.”
“They tracked the car,” Grandpa finishes what I was about to tell him.
“Yes. The body had gone too. I fucked up. I failed. Everything you taught me ... I just ... I fucked up badly.”
“Language, Dima. It’s okay. We’ll fix this together.” He reassures me. “Take her to your apartment. I’m still paying the rent on that place for you, you may as well get some use out of it. I’ll be fine. I have friends I can call if I need to.”
“I’m sorry. Make sure you keep your phone on vibrate so I can get hold of you.” I remind him that a silent phone is of no use. He always has his phone on silent and forgets to check it.
“You and your devices. Technology is the reason we’re in this mess.” He chuckles.
Grandpa always had a sense of humor. I guess that’s where I get my love of dark humor from.
“The body in the barn ....” I give him a worried look.
“I’ll take care of it. Now go before that poor girl freezes to death.” He shoves me out of the door, and I hear it lock behind me.
I make my way back to my car, unlock it and throw the bags into the trunk, slam it shut then get into the driver’s seat.
“Hey, beautiful, sorry I took a minute,” I tell her.
“It’s okay, can I come out now?” She asks.
“Stay hidden until we get on the highway,” I reply and lean into the back seat and stroke her body over the sheets.
I start the engine and turn on the radio, President band’s song ‘Conclave’ blares out and the lyrics send a chill down my spine as I quietly sing along.
We soon hit the entryway to the highway.
“You’re good now Sparrow. I’m sorry I wasn’t smarter about dumping the car. It seems it had a tracker on it.” I apologize to my girl.
“It’s not your fault, Dima. I should’ve realized they’d come for me. I was so caught up in my sadness about Jupiter that I forgot Nik tracked all his cars. It’s my fault too.” She says, sits up and strokes the back of my neck from the backseat.
We’re soon tearing down the highway and it’s not before long until I’m pulling into a parking space at the back of my apartment block. I sigh a breath of relief that there are no other cars parked here.
“Come on, Sparrow,” I tell my girl as I get out of the car and open the back door for her to slide out.
I move to the trunk and grab our bags. A crowbar sits in the pocket inside the trunk; it’s positioned where I always keep it in case of emergencies.
I carry the bags and walk beside Natalia who clings onto my arm to steady herself in what appears to be perfectly white, untouched, fresh snow, but we both know beneath it lurks danger—a frozen slippery ice floor.
Even the prettiest things can be deceiving.
We walk inside my apartment building and take the elevator up to my floor. I scan every inch of the corridor as we walk to my door. I unlock it and enter before Natalia. I need to make sure they’ve not figured out my address and are hiding inside.
Any fucker stupid enough to hide in here won’t leave alive.
I grip tightly onto the knife in my waistband.
I’ll do whatever it takes to keep her safe.
She stays close behind me, her body almost pressing into mine as she closes the door behind us.
We move from room to room and I check everywhere is clear, and it is.
A wave of relief washes over me—we’re fine.
“Thank you for always keeping me safe, Dima,” Natalia says as she lies down on my bed.
“You’ll always be safe with me,” I reply and move to my wardrobe, pull out a turquoise, steel box and hand it to her. “Keep this while I shower.”
She opens the box. “A gun?” She looks at me unsure if to take it out.
“You know how to shoot a pistol?” I ask.
“I do.”
“Good. I won’t be long,” I say and walk to the bathroom.
I turn the shower on, strip naked and throw my bloody clothes into the basket.
I step into the shower and the blood that seeped through my clothes onto my skin mixes with the hot water.
The smell of copper is strong. I stare down as the blood pools around the plughole before spiraling and disappearing down the drain.
What the fuck is wrong with me? I feel nothing. I’ve taken so many lives and yet I feel absolutely no guilt. No remorse. I’d fucking do it again.
Am I really a monster?
Sometimes monsters are needed to keep this world balanced.
A monster that kills other monsters. It’s justified. I’m a fucking vigilante.
I close my eyes and breathe in the hot air. I breathe out hard and a wave of emotion hits me. The water that only a moment ago was soft against my skin now pounds hard against my chest. I didn’t touch the dial; the pressure hasn’t changed.
This is me.
Is it in my head? Is this fucking real?
Fuck.
“Mama,” I call out but not loud enough to be heard.
A pain hits my chest, and I sob.
“I never knew you Anna, but I miss you, Mama. I fucking miss you. What could’ve been, Mama.” My words a broken mess as the water hits my mouth and I choke.
Get it to-fucking-gether, Dima. Be a fucking man. Fucking weak. That’s what you are. You’re fucking weak.
I take the shampoo and wash my hair. The suds run down my face and sting my eyes.
I’d rather feel this pain than the emotional pain that’s ripping through my chest right now.
Then my shower gel, I wash my body and scrub hard at my skin.
So, fucking hard. I tear into my skin leaving red scratches and a rash on my stomach where I scrubbed hard at the blood.
I don’t need to be stained any more than I already am.
I’m clean. I’m fine. I’m okay. What was that therapy shit?
I don’t remember.
Fuck.
Count. One. Two. Three. Breathe. Breathe. Fucking Breathe.
I grab my cock and think about Natalia. I’m hard instantly.
I imagine her on her knees in front of me.
My cock buried deep down her throat as she works every inch of me back and forth between her soft lips.
Soothing me, worshipping me, loving me. I need this right now.
I need her right now. I stroke harder, faster, squeezing my cock until the tip throbs rapidly against my palm.
I slap it against my hand and groan as I imagine tears rolling down her pretty cheeks.
Fuck, she’s breathtaking. I fucking want her right now. I want to grab hold of her and fuck her like there’s no tomorrow.
But I can’t.
Not right now.
She might not want this. She might not want me to touch her with the same hands I’d just taken a life with.
Dima, your cock, what are you doing to us?
Fuck. I’ve gone soft. I jerk my cock harder. I need to fucking come; I need the relief.
But what if I fucking hurt her? What if the demon inside of me takes over and I fucking snap?
She loves that about you, remember, she loves it about us.
My cocks still in my hand but I stop stroking it as the image of the bratva beast’s head on the conveyor belt flashes through my mind. The head hits the grinder and jams the machine; the image is crystal clear as if it’s happening in front of me like a fucking unwanted live action replay.
No, not fucking now. Get out of my fucking head.
I switch the dial on the shower until the water is ice cold. It stings my skin, but it slows my heartrate down.
Count. Breathe. Breathe. Fucking breathe.
I inhale and exhale slowly. I pull myself together and climb out of the shower, wrap myself in a towel and go to join Natalia in the bedroom.
Breathe, Dima, breathe.