CHAPTER FIVE
NATALIA
Dima returns from his shower, and I sit holding the box with the pistol inside.
“I didn’t need this,” I tell him and smile.
“Would you ever use it on me?” He asks.
I look at the pistol and back at him.
Does he really think I’d hurt him?
I don’t know if to be offended.
Does he think my feelings are fake?
“No, never.” My voice shakes. I lift the box and place it on the nightstand. “Why would you even ask me that?” I ask nervously.
“Because I’d want you to,” he replies and sits down on the bed next to me wearing just a towel around his waist.
“Why would you want me to ... shoot you?” I ask and pull my knees up to my chest, my stomach flips in shock that he’s saying this to me. It’s not something I could ever prepare myself to hear.
“If I ever ... snapped. If I ever put you in danger. I couldn’t live knowing I’d hurt you, even just for a second.” He shifts closer to me and strokes my arm. I lower my legs and allow him to pull me into his chest and he cradles me.
“You’re the only person who’s ever kept me safe, Dima. Even as children ... with ... the man. You’d protect me. You’d tell me to run and hide. You’d take what he gave so I wouldn’t have to.” My words catch in my throat, but I need him to know.
“I tried, Sparrow. I tried,” he says and strokes my back with one hand and rests the other on my knee.
“And that’s how I know I’d never need to use that.” I nod to the gun. “I’d never have to protect myself from you. You’re my hero, as crazy, as cliché as it sounds. It’s true.” I place my hand over his.
“You see me as your hero?”
“I do.” I smile and he moves his head close to my neck.
His breath hits my neck and causes goosebumps to rise on my skin. He smells so good, a mix of my favorite vanilla scents.
He’s used the bodywash he bought for me. That makes me smile.
“You’re my precious girl, Natalia. And if I ever cross a line. Ever. I want you to take this pistol ....” He takes it from the box and presses it against his chest while still whispering in my ear. “And shoot me, right here. End my life.”
“Dima.” I move the gun from his chest and slowly take it from him.
I place it back in the box and turn back to look at his beautiful face. His dark eyes flicker like a candle each time the light from the lamp in the corner of the room hits them. I hook my hands around the back of his neck and softly place my lips on his, I pull away and smile.
“Losing you for seven years, not knowing if I’d ever see you again killed me inside.” I confess, my hands tremble and I bite my bottom lip.
“I tried to stay away. Not because I didn’t miss you, not because I didn’t care, not because I didn’t love you but because I wanted to protect you.
To keep you safe from the darkest parts of me.
But I couldn’t do it. I’d have day releases from the asylum, and I’d spend them either fighting myself to stay away or waiting by the rose bush.
I never made contact, but now I wish I had.
I’m sorry I made you feel alone, Little Sparrow.
I feel responsible for the world you fell into.
I vowed to protect you and keep you safe, and I failed you.
I truly thought you were safer without me and my demons around you. ”
I catch a breath. “I understand, Dima,” I say and nod.
And, I do understand, because I want to protect him from me, too.
His hands glide down my back as I lean into him and rest my head against his shoulder. His soft lips brush my cheek, and I breathe him in again. His scent grounds me, it’s my comfort, and his arms are my safe space.
He moves one hand to my neck before tracing his fingers to my jaw and cupping it, turning my head to face him he stares into my eyes and his lips meet mine. He kisses me passionately and I’m reminded that Dima is my home.
His fingers work their way from my jaw and tickle down my neck.
His hands find my lower back and lift my shirt.
He tosses it onto the bed and grabs me again, unclipping my bra and freeing my breasts.
I feel free in his arms and the way he holds me is never the same way any other man has held me.
Dima has a soft touch. He’s caring and handles me as though I may break at any minute.
It takes everything in me not to beg him to be rough and bite my breasts, to devour them, to mark me.
I want him to replace every touch of every other man and every betrayal my body has been subjected to.
“Dima, lay back,” I tell him and pull away as I place a hand on his chest.
He hesitates but then does as I request.
His cock is already throbbing hard, and I know he wants me.
He reaches down and runs his fingers through my tresses, curling the ends around his fingertips. I look up at him and smile, lick my lips and then slide my tongue up and down his thick length. My hand takes his balls and cups them, they’re tight against my hand.
“You’re so beautiful, Sparrow. I want you to taste me, show me what you can do,” he hums as a pearl of excitement beads on the tips of his cock.
I lick it off, tasting him. I continue to work my tongue in circles around the head of his cock before pushing him into my mouth. I suck slowly, seductively and he lets out a moan.
“Fuck, Natalia, that feels so good.” He gasps and pulls at my hair.
I smile up at him and take him deeper into my throat until I’m almost choking. He’s worthy of every inch of him feeling like a god.
“You’re amazing, breathe baby,” he says and lifts my chin.
I catch a breath while running his tip along my lips then running his cock back over my tongue until it’s hitting the back of my throat. I suck greedily and press my tongue against his shaft.
He shifts and grips my hair lifting my head away then pushes me onto my back.
“It’s your turn to be worshipped.” He demands and removes my skirt and panties.
His fingers slide up and down my pussy. “You feel so soft and smell so good, Sparrow.” He says and slides a finger inside of me. I’m already wet for him as he pushes a second finger inside me.
“Dima,” I moan out.
He pulls his fingers from inside of me. They’re glistening and he sucks them. “You taste delicious, baby.”
I smile and run my fingers through his silky hair.
I hold onto it pulling his face into my pussy.
His tongue hits my clit as his fingers work in and out of me, hitting my g-spot and sending electricity coursing through my body.
He removes them and places one hand around the back of my knees and the other on my breast. His tongue presses harder against my clit and he explores my pussy, licking up and down.
I quiver. I need more.
“I want to feel you inside me.” I beg for his cock.
He listens and works his way up my body; he crashes his lips against mine while taking hold of his cock and pushing inside my pussy.
I throw my head back in pleasure. He makes me feel alive and I forget my entire existence as he thrusts in and out of me and a wave of excitement floods my body.
I dig my nails into his back, and his hand finds my throat.
He squeezes just enough to make me gasp, and he fucks me harder, deeper, unforgiving.
“You’re a work of art. I love ruining you, making you mine like this. Burning myself into your soul. Claiming you, taking back what’s always belonged to me. Because you fucking belong to me,” he says and sweat beads on his forehead.
He thrusts again and I lift my hips to meet him. His hand holds my throat tighter; he nips at my bottom lip then licks along my jawline. He fucks me with a controlled roughness until he comes inside me.
The sensation causes me to match his pleasure and I moan out, “Dima.”
“My ... sexy Sparrow,” he pants before collapsing on top of me.
His arms wrap around me, and he rolls over pulling me on top of him. I stare into his eyes and see my reflection.
“You’re perfect my girl,” he says, and I feel safe in his arms.
He holds me until we both fall asleep.
I wake up to my phone lighting up on the bedside table. I pick it up to see a flurry of texts come through. It’s one of Nikolai’s henchmen. My hands tremble as I open the messages.
Yaz: We know you’re with the psychopath.
Yaz: We know he killed Nikolai. We have his body and we know you’re with him willingly Natalia.
Yaz: The CCTV from outside Gustav’s place doesn’t lie.
They know everything.
Yaz: If you want to keep your little boyfriend’s brother alive, you’ll come to the warehouse.
You’ll come alone. Don’t leave it too long or we might just have to pay his grandfather a visit or send your new boyfriend his brother’s body parts.
We’ve not decided yet. You know we’re not playing games, Natalia Petrova.
I think I’m about to throw up. I don’t want Pawel to be hurt because of me. I don’t want Dmitry’s grandpa to be taken either, and I don’t want my sweet Dima to be hunted by the bratva. I need to do what’s right.
I look over my shoulder and stare at my perfect protector, my unhinged sweetheart as he lies behind me. I know he’ll lose his shit when he realizes they have Pawel. I can’t let Dima get hurt because of me.
His scent clings to me, his touch is burned into my skin. His chest gently rises and falls against my back as he holds me tightly.
He doesn’t notice the phone and drifts slowly to sleep, his breath gentle, his arm a protective cage around me. He looks almost peaceful like this, as if he hadn’t killed with these same hands. He sleeps unaware that tomorrow is a war waiting to rip us both apart.
But it doesn’t have to be. Yaz told me what I need to do, and I know I should listen—I need to listen, I have to. The consequences of ignoring his messages are too dangerous.
We both knew all along that Nikolai’s men had Pawel. There was never truly any room for doubt.
My eyes stay wide open. Any kind of peace right now is a lie.
What have I caused?
I’ve given myself to Dima again. Not because he forces me, not because he demands it, but because I want to.
I want him. I need him.
His gentleness tonight was different—slower, softer, like he was worshipping me instead of taking me.
And that makes this hurt even more. Because if he can love me like this, if he can make me feel safe as I lay in his arms and whole in the space of a single breath, then what excuse do I have for letting him get hurt or even killed because of me?
This is what love feels like.
I know I stay in his arms because he’s the only thing that keeps me from falling apart and I know if I pull away, he might shatter completely—he’d told me to shoot him with his own pistol if he ever got too chaotic ... too unhinged.
He murmurs my name in his sleep, the sound rough and broken, and my heart twists painfully.
I want to kiss him again. I want to leave.
I want to run. To save Dima from the pain of losing his brother.
I know the bratva and I know they won’t hesitate to follow through on their threats to hurt Pawel.
To hurt his grandpa. To hurt Dima. To hurt me.
Wanting to lay here with him forever and wanting to run to protect him is tearing me in half.
My fingers tremble where they rest on his hands that settle on my ribs.
My sweet, Dima.
I know that tomorrow bullets will likely fly. Because whether I stay or go—someone might die. Maybe him. Maybe me. Maybe both of us. Maybe Pawel. Maybe his grandpa. Maybe all of us.
I can’t do this to him. I ... I can’t.
As the day turns into night, I lie here in the arms of a man I should be terrified of. That most sane people would fear but I don’t fear him. Not even a little. I’ve never been able to shake him off.
And in this moment, I realize a truth that scares me the most—if Dmitry died tomorrow, a part of me would die too.
And maybe that meant I was just as fucked up as he was.
I could’ve left so many times. I could’ve run.
I could’ve chosen Nikolai. I could’ve shot him today, but the thought never crossed my mind.
Not once. Everything we’ve been through together tethers me to this man. He’s protected me at every turn.
I know deep in my soul that I’m his ... I always was.
He’d protected me so many times. Even when we were children. He’d tell The Man to choose him instead of me.
It’s time I protected him.
I carefully slide out of his arms and quietly climb out of the bed. I look at him sleeping innocently and press my lips to his forehead.
“Sleep well, Dima,” I whisper then grab my clothes from the floor.
I dress quickly and slip my shoes and jacket on. I grab my purse from the nightstand and gently retrieve Dima’s pistol from its box. I place the gun in my purse and zip it securely in place.
I creep toward the apartment door. The keys hang in the lock, I turn them while pushing the door into the frame, so I don’t make a noise as I exit the apartment. I look back at my hero one last time and gently close the door behind me.
I have to do this.