CHAPTER SIXTEEN #2
I lift my head and press my lips against her name: Anna Karatov. The stone is bitterly cold, but I stay until my lips burn numb. When I rise, snowflakes cling to my lashes like kisses from my angel. The little robin soars and disappears into the whiteness of the sky.
I leave the rose at her grave, crimson against the white snow. My blood stains the petals where the thorn pierced my flesh. I imagine it mixing with hers, as if the two of us can finally be bound together in death, if not in life.
“I’ll meet you one day, Mama,” I whisper, then place my hands over my mouth to warm myself.
When I turn and walk away, the storm stirs again and howls louder than before, but inside me, the noise is sharper still. Rage. Grief. And the vow I can never break. I’ll never allow Natalia to be mistreated ever again, and if we ever have a daughter I’ll protect her until my final breath.
The chill of the wind works its way through my bones, and I see a young girl crying at a freshly filled grave. Her dark locks blow and she tugs at the scarf around her neck. A lone figure stands beside a tree. He’s watching her.
Does she know? Is he ... her guardian?
I stop and turn back on myself to get a better view.
She’s visiting a newly deceased person. Leave her alone, Dima. People don’t need you when they’re grieving.
But maybe I should check. I don’t know who he is.
Leave them alone, Dima. It’s not your place.
The urge to protect a lone female is stronger than ever. The girls in the trafficking warehouse left a lasting impression on my conscience.
Don’t get involved. He’s probably her boyfriend. Quietly watching and protecting her from a distance.
Yes, that’s what it is.
The dark side of me senses something more, something sinister. Maybe it’s the natural instinct of one monster to be able to recognize another. It’s like a sixth sense. A deep spiritual connection—evil attracts evil, and I sense this fucker.
My body jitters as the guy moves from the tree and edges closer to the young girl. She’s so deep in sorrow that she doesn’t notice his presence. And just like that, he wraps his arms around her waist, and he lifts her from the ground, dragging her along the crooked path and onto the empty road.
I spot my grandpa in front of me; he’s pacing toward the man as the girl tries desperately to scream through his fingers that cover her mouth.
“Grandpa!” I call out and jog toward the man as he handles her roughly.
He spots us and, in a panic, he throws her into his truck, pushes her into the passenger seat and slams the door.
He races to the driver’s side, climbs in and takes off as she pounds on the window.
I’m barely there when he does a U-turn for the exit.
His tires screech and he heads straight toward my grandpa.
My entire body shuts down, and I freeze to the very spot my feet land. I can’t move, can’t scream. Can’t call for help. I’m a train wreck. Natalia climbs from grandpa’s truck and races toward him, but I can’t ... I can’t fucking move.
Dima, do something. Fucking move. Your grandpa needs you.
Even my demons beg my body to move.
Fuuuuuuuuck.
My legs buckle beneath me, and I land on my knees.
“Grandpa,” I cry out weakly, finally finding my voice.
I crawl through the snow toward my grandpa’s body. He’s still as he lies amongst the tire tracks left behind from the man’s truck.
He, hit my ... my grandpa.
Natalia is already cradling his head and ringing an ambulance by the time I reach them.
What the fuck is wrong with me?
I don’t know what to do. He’s the only family I’ve ever known. The only man to ever love me for who I am. He never tried to change me, instead, he taught me how to channel who I am, how to be a man. He protected me. He’s, my grandpa.
Dima, he needs you right now.
“Grandpa,” I say fighting back a sob that’s working its way from my chest.
I stay down on my knees and slide one hand under the back of his head, my fingers meeting Natalia’s, and together we cradle him.
“The ambulance is on its way. They’re on the line,” Natalia says and shows me her phone displaying the active emergency call.
“Where the fuck are they? How long will they be?” I ask trying to fight back the urge to scream at the heavens.
“I need you grandpa, stay with me. Open your eyes.” I reach and take his hand in mine—I squeeze it hard as if it’ll shock his body into forcing him to look at me.
“Grandpa, please.” I beg again then look at Natalia. “I’m going to put him in the truck and drive him to the hospital myself.” I push myself to my feet and start to lift my grandpa from the ground.
He coughs hard and blood spills from his lips. He gurgles and chokes.
“Dima,” he mutters and grips hold of the collar of my jacket.
“I’ve got you. I’ve got you. I’ve got you,” I say and hold his head off the ground. I turn his body so he’s lying on his left side with his head resting against my elbow, his mouth tilting, blood runs down his jaw and then his chin as it clears his airways.
“It’s okay.” He coughs. “I’m ready to be with my Anna.” A single tear creeps from the corner of his eye and trickles down his cheek.
“No, Grandpa. I can’t lose you. I won’t lose you. Stay with me, you hear me?” I tug on his coat and pull him into me.
“I love you, son.” He sputters, his eyes rolling back as he gasps and his body stills.
“Grandpa, no, no, no. Grandpa, you fucking wake up, you hear me! Grandpa don’t do this, Grandpa, please, Grandpa, Grandpa, Grandpa. Please, I’m begging you, please don’t leave me. I need you.” I sob and rock his body in my arms.
I look up at the heavens. The sky’s a blinding white as the snow hammers down carpeting us.
“Grandpa!” I scream at the top of my lungs. “Fuck you God, fuck you!” I wail and cry out so broken like I’ve never been before.
If this is what losing someone you love feels like, then maybe I need to let Natalia go now before it’s too late.
As though reading my mind, her warm hand brushes my cheek, and she pulls my face from screaming at the heavens to looking into her pretty eyes.
“Dima,” she says softly, “lie him down. We can try to bring him back.” She gulps, and I can hear the emergency worker on the other end of the phone instructing her to carry out CPR.
My mind is overwhelmed but I remember.
I turn my grandpa so he’s fully on his back and lying flat against the ground and start CPR. I slam my hands into his chest with all my force. I fight and fight. Then I pinch his nose and breathe rescue breaths into his airways. I repeat the process over and over.
The snow flurries around us. I refuse to give up.
“Grandpa, please. I need you. I can’t lose you. Not like this.” Snot drips from my nose, I wipe it away with the back of my hand as I sniffle.
“Dima, it’s okay. You can stop now.” Natalia’s voice cuts in.
“The paramedics are here; they’ll take over.
” I barely make out her words through the sound of the sirens blaring.
I continue hammering into my grandpa’s chest, a hand hits my shoulder, and a deep voice tries to reassure me with his words.
“You’ve done a great job, now let us take over.”
I turn to see a paramedic, his high visibility jacket clashes with the white of the snow and his name badge reads, Vidic.
I rock myself backwards on my knees and beg. “Please save him, he’s the only family we have.” I choke out the words. “He’s my grandpa.”
I fall backward and land on the frozen embankment that meets the gravel road. I fold my arms and sob into them like a baby. “Please Grandpa. Please God. Don’t let him die.”
Natalia sits down beside me and throws her arms around my waist.
Time passes in a haze. I lift my head out of my arms and see two paramedics carrying my grandpa on a stretcher and loading him into the back of an ambulance.
“Follow us closely.” A female paramedic says, placing a hand on Natalia’s shoulder.
I nod and rise to my feet with the help of my Little Sparrow.
“Come, Dima. I can drive,” she says gently.
I breathe and glance back at where my mama’s stone stands.
“Please help grandpa, Mama,” I whisper secretly pleading with the chill of the wind to carry my message to her, wherever she is.
I know she’s an angel, maybe she can talk to God and ask him to spare Grandpa—to plead with him to gift my favorite old man a few more years by my side.
“Please, mama,” I whisper again., then take hold of Natalia’s hand. “I’ve got this, my Little Sparrow.” I open the passenger side door and hold her hand until she’s safely in the seat. I close the door and make my way around to the driver’s side.
I look up at the sky, desperate to see the heavens.
I exhale and clasp my hands together, close my eyes and make one last plea.
“Please, Mama, I’ll never ask for anything ever again.
I’ll be a good person. I’ll change. Tell God I’ll change.
Tell him I’m sorry for all the bad choices I’ve made.
If this is my punishment then take it out on me, choose me, tell him to choose me.
Mama, please. Not Grandpa.” I sob, wipe my eyes and climb into the truck.
The lights on the ambulance flash a dazzling blue, and it heads toward the exit.
I start the engine and drive closely behind.
We roll through traffic and it seems to be taking an eternity to navigate through the snow-covered streets.
We finally pull up to the hospital which borders Moscow’s center and its urban streets.
I wonder if this is the hospital where Anna gave me life and lost hers.
The thought would usually consume me, deep and painful, but right now my only focus is my grandpa, and I won’t wallow in self-pity.
I won’t focus on my own pain, not when my grandpa needs me by his side.
I refuse to let him down. I refuse to freeze, to stumble, to let my demons consume me, and so I fight them.