CHAPTER SIXTEEN #3
I pull up beside the ambulance and park in the emergency bay.
I fixate on the sea of blue flashing lights, each one another passing moment in my grandpa’s fight for life.
Seconds pass and the backdoors of the ambulance swing open.
I climb from the truck and stand back as a bunch of emergency medical staff with a trolley waste no time in transferring my grandpa onto it.
An oxygen mask and wires are attached to him.
I swallow hard and try to contain my emotions. I don’t fucking express my feelings to strangers.
I cave.
This is different.
This is my grandpa.
The tears force their way through—a flood follows. I’m a grown man sobbing like a fucking baby. I look up to the sky again, make a cross with my right hand, kiss my fingers and raise my index finger to the sky.
“Please Mama,” I whisper, begging, pleading with her to listen.
“Come, Dima.” Natalia holds my arm and we follow closely behind as they rush my grandpa into the hospital and directly into the emergency room.
“You’ll have to wait out here. Someone will call you in once we stabilize him.” A nurse with tanned skin and dark hair tied into a tight bun on her head informs us.
“I’m his grandson, I need to be with him.” I plead and peer through the window into the room.
“I understand, you’ll be allowed inside as soon as he’s stable, I promise.”
I pace back and forth through the halls and stare at the white-washed walls.
Fuck this place reminds me of the crazy asylum.
Fuck, no, not now, Dima.
Count, breathe, fuck what was it?
I don’t fucking remember.
Help me. I’m calling to you; fucking help me. Demon, dark side, whatever the fuck you are in my fucking head! Arghhhhh fuck.
“Dima, it’s going to be okay,” my sweet Sparrow says clutching onto the scarf around her neck as she nervously paces a few beats behind me.
Look at you, staying close to me. Not wanting to leave me alone. I always knew I needed you, my sweet girl. I think you always knew it too. Ever since we were kids, ever since you made me feel safe, made me forget all the bad things in my life.
“I appreciate you more than words can express in this moment, Natalia.” I stop pacing as I reach her. I stand in front of her and take hold of her hands and look into her eyes.
A nurse comes out of the room where the doctors are working on my grandpa.
My heart pounds and my hands feel sticky.
I fear the words that leave her mouth. I fall back into the feeling of being a scared little boy and longing for my grandpa.
The images flash through my mind like a meteor crashing into earth at a thousand miles an hour and destroying every trace of life on impact.
“He’s stable, you can come and see him now.
” She smiles softly, her words flow from her tongue, and I wonder if I want good news so badly that I’m imagining it all, hallucinating that she’s saying this.
It wouldn’t be the first time I’ve dissociated so hard that I’ve heard words I’ve wanted to hear and not the truth.
I don’t move—my body is in denial.
“Mr. Karatov is stable—your grandpa is stable. You can go inside,” she says clutching hold of her clipboard.
The words are real, Dima. It’s not your imagination.
Natalia squeezes my hand with just enough force to reassure me, and we walk inside the room together. Grandpa is lying in the hospital bed, metal railings propped up on either side. Lines from his body link to screens giving readings on his vitals. An oxygen mask covers his nose and mouth.
It breaks my heart to see the man who was always the toughest, the strongest, the most resilient man in the world be reduced to lying in a hospital bed relying on machines to keep him alive.
“He’s got a shattered pelvis and six broken ribs.” The doctor informs me. “We’re going to give him a brain scan soon, we’re just waiting for the machine and the doctor on duty.”
“What does he need a brain scan for?” I ask and look down at my grandpa. He looks so frail. It’s an image I never imagined I’d ever witness.
“Due to the fact he was hit with a good amount of force, and he’s lost a lot of blood, coupled with Mydriasis—” before she can finish her sentence, I cut her off “—Mydriasis, what’s that?”
“His pupils are dilated; all the physical signs point to there being a high probability that he’s suffering from a bleed on his brain.
We’ll know for certain once the scans have been carried out.
We’re working on getting them done as soon as possible.
” She looks at the screens and scribbles down the reading onto her clipboard.
“I’ll see you all shortly,” she says with a soft smile and exits the room, leaving me alone with my grandpa and my girl.
I move back to his bedside and pull a green leather chair beside the pale blue chair already next to the bed.
“Sparrow.” I offer Natalia the green chair, it’ll be comfier.
“Thank you,” she replies and sits down. She leans forward and takes hold of my grandpa’s hand.
I lower myself into the pale blue chair beside her. I place my hand on top of Natalia’s, and she holds a little firmer onto my grandpa’s. I will with all my heart that he feels our presence.
“Wake up, Grandpa, please,” I whisper.
We sit in silence with only the rhythmic beeping of the machines interrupting the stillness.
Time blurs, I look down at my watch and an hour has passed. Still nothing. No signs of my grandpa being conscious, no signs of the doctors checking in to take him for the brain scan, nothing at all.
“Dima.” Natalia’s voice breaks through the silence. “Look, his eyes, they’re moving,” her voice moves quickly from surprised to hopeful.
“Grandpa. It’s me, Dima. Open your eyes. Natalia is here with me too,” I say desperately hoping he can hear me.
My grandpa’s eyes flicker, open, closed, open, closed. After multiple flickers he forces them to stay open.
“Pawel,” he says.
“No, Grandpa, it’s Dima,” I reply.
Why does he think I’m Pawel?
Because Pawel was the good brother, the one who didn’t bring trouble to his door. The sane brother, the one who did things right, not like you, Dima. This is all your fault.
No, stop, shut the fuck up. My grandpa loves me.
If that was true, then why is he calling out for Pawel when you’re sitting in front of him?
That’s not fucking true, leave me alone.
Get. Out. Of. My. Fucking. Head.
He gasps. “Dima ... my boy.”
“I’m right here, Grandpa.”
A nurse appears and stands in the doorway of the room. Her dark curly hair flows to her waist, her eyes dark as night, the arch of her eyebrows so neatly maintained, her cupid’s bow is perfect, her pale skin reminds me of my own.
Natalia looks at me and furrows her brows, she can sense my admiration for the woman who’s entered the room, but it’s not sexual. I’m not sexually attracted, it’s something else.
“Anna!” Grandpa calls out. “Anna, it can’t be. My daughter,” he says and tears roll down his cheeks.
I stand from my chair and walk toward the woman stood slightly inside the room.
“Anna. It can’t be,” I say as familiarity hits me and I realize I recognize her from the old photo box my grandpa gave to me.
This woman, she’s not an ordinary nurse, she’s not a stranger, yet she is ... she’s the woman I’ve longed to know my entire life, without ever even knowing it. She’s my ... she’s my real mother.
Your real mother is dead, Dima. You crazy fucking bastard. This is your trauma talking, always with the fucking trauma. This woman isn’t your mother. Your grandpa had an accident and has a brain injury, what the fuck is your excuse?
I know you said you’d embrace your psycho, but there’s a time and place. You belong in the crazy asylum—you’re only a few more mistakes from being sectioned, from being returned to the place you belong.
You were never meant for this world, never meant for normal society. Everything you touch is cursed. She’s a ghost, Dmitry. The ghost of the woman whose death you’re responsible for.
“Dima, it’s okay.” Natalia grips hold of my arm.
Don’t listen to her, Dima. She doesn’t really know you.
You’re clinically insane. They shouldn’t have set you free.
The therapist at Highspring Hall should lose her license.
She fucked up because of her stupid little high school crush on you.
I don’t know why she had a crush. You’re ugly, you’re worthless, you’re not worth the air you breathe. You fucking raging lunatic.
“My son. Is that really you?” She asks and her words snap me out of my psychosis. I look at her unsure if the words I heard were real or imagined.
“Dima, Dmitry, my son,” she says, her voice as soft as an angel.
My grandpa gasps and his body shakes rattling the bed.
“Grandpa, stay with me.” I hold his hand firmly and slam my other hand onto the emergency button.
“Stay with us Lev, you’re going to be a great grandpa.” Natalia announces her pregnancy for the first time and I’m blindsided, but adrenaline fuels me.
“Did you hear that Grandpa? Natalia is pregnant,” I say, my breathing heavy.
My grandpa tries to smile but it’s interrupted by his desperate need for air and he gasps repeatedly.
“Di ... ma.” He can barely say my name as he struggles to breathe.
The chaos of machines all sounding their alarms adds to my rising panic. Doctors and nurses burst through the doors, filling the room with bodies.
“Everyone clear the room!” A voice commands.
“Stand back, he’s crashing.” Another voice announces.
I watch helplessly through the window as they battle to save my grandpa. The scene is chaos; wires, defibrillators and hands work my grandpa’s body.
I shake. Bile rises in my throat, and my body bends forward. I’m throwing up on the floor. I grip hold of the tiny window ledge with my fingertips and drag myself back up and swallow hard as I view my grandpa’s fight for life knowing there’s nothing I can do from out here.
The medical team stand back from my grandpa, and the screen I recognize as a heart monitor, displays a flat line.
No, no, fucking no!
“Grandpa!” I scream and rush inside the room.
I slam my hands into my old man’s chest, but a doctor tugs me backward.
“Time of death ....” He announces loud enough for everyone in the room to hear, but I refuse to listen.
This isn’t his time of death; he’s not fucking dead.
I battle with the doctor to let go of me; I need to save my grandpa.
“I can’t live without you Grandpa, come back to me.” I beg and plead and struggle to get away from the three doctors who are now restraining me and preventing me from saving my grandpa.
I sob and fall to my knees. Natalia drops down beside me; she’s sobbing and clings to me. I close my eyes and pray to a god I know despises me.
Life without my grandpa will never be the same. I’ll forever have a hollow space in my heart that only his love can fill.
“Dima, let him rest. You have me now. It’s true. I’m your mother,” Anna says and looks down at me as I soak Natalia in my tears.
Anna places her arm underneath mine and pulls me to my feet. I can’t help but fall helplessly into her arms. She holds me against her and any form of defense is gone.
I break down, sobbing like a little boy in the arms of a stranger. A stranger who is my blood, my origin, my roots. The only blood I have left.
I’m half a human; I’m half a man without my grandpa. He saved me from myself.
I know Natalia will fight for me—she’ll fight to restore me back to the man I know I am. But right now, right here; I’m broken and I don’t know if I’ll ever recover. My heart is crushed, shattered, and I know I’ll never be the same.
I sob and sob.
The world was never meant for me to exist in it.
I’ve lost the one person I’ve always needed, my grandpa, and gained the one person I’ve always craved, a mother.
I’m not sure I’ll survive, but with the knowledge Natalia is pregnant with my child—I know I have to.