29. Caroline A Shot #3
“So, Emerson and Kyle have been trying to have another baby, and it hasn’t been going well,” I started.
“Oh man, that sucks.”
I nodded.
“This is what you wanted to talk to me about?”
I cocked my head. “Can you just be patient and let me finish?”
He made a motion like his lips were zipped.
“I had been thinking—especially before I met you—that I would be their egg donor and surrogate.”
“Well, that’s super nice.” Then he paused. “Oh.”
“Yeah. Oh.”
“So, like, you would be getting pregnant with Emerson and Kyle’s baby in the near future.”
I scrunched my nose. “Well, technically my baby with Kyle, and I guess Emerson would adopt it because it’s my egg?” I waved my hand. “Whatever. It doesn’t matter. It all seemed very simple. But now…”
He just nodded.
So I filled in: “But now I’m dating this hot movie star who is going to dump me if I’m fat and pregnant.”
He laughed, rubbing my leg more vigorously, like he was meditating, and it was helping him think.
“Look, I know I’m always the one saying age doesn’t matter.
And I would never say any of this out loud to you because I feel like I freak you out already with my emotional availability—which, by the way, most women love.
” He took a deep breath. “But I can see this being forever. Like, me and you. And, if I’m honest, it isn’t a deal-breaker or anything, but I had sort of imagined us having a baby of our own.
You and me and Vivi and Preston and that insufferable prick of an ex-husband of yours kind of being a family. ”
The idea gave me butterflies. I was trying to sort through why.
Yes, it was a pretty picture. But honestly, I had thought I was so done with babies.
It wasn’t a life I wanted to delve back into.
But I had never expected Chase. And, when I imagined it, the two of us with a baby of our own, it was…
Well, it was magic. It was something I suddenly wanted, as crazy as it seemed.
I just nodded. “Yeah. But, okay, so, if we’re going to go there, I guess we just have to go there?”
“I think we’ve jumped off the cliff now, babe. Only way down is to parachute.”
I laughed. That was a bizarre comparison. “Preston was a surprise, yes, but James and I had tried for years to have another baby after Vivi. We did many rounds of IVF. And now I’m much older. I have no idea if I could have another baby. Not for us. Not for Emerson. I just don’t know.”
He nodded. “But, like, sooner is better than later, right?”
“Well, sure. But we can’t jump into a life together just to have a baby, you know?”
“Since you won’t even let me move in.” He winked at me.
“Look, since we’re putting it all out on the table…
Now that we’re here, you can kind of see it.
I was raised by Ansley and Carter Murphy, so I had this very traditional, Southern upbringing.
I was raised not to live with a man I wasn’t married to—and most certainly not to have a baby with one.
I know I might not seem like it, but, in a lot of ways, I’m still really traditional.
And that might not be an appealing quality. I don’t know.”
Chase reached over and took my hands in his, which was really quite a lovely hamstring stretch as well.
“All of your qualities are appealing.” He sighed.
“Look, I know I just had a small stroke when I thought you were giving me an ultimatum. So this is not fair. And I don’t want this to come off like it’s going to sound… ”
He trailed off. He didn’t have to finish. I knew what he was going to say. And what surprised me the most is that I didn’t want to storm away. He had this effect on me. I was less headstrong, more willing to bend. I liked this version of myself.
“But, Caroline, I don’t care about you having your sister’s baby. Honestly. If we had ten more years to have one of our own, I’d encourage you to do it. But I feel like you’re choosing her or me. I mean, I think that’s probably the option, right?”
I hadn’t thought about it like that. Not in those terms. But he was right.
“I wish you wouldn’t say it like that.”
“That’s not what I mean. I guess I’m just saying that I want a future with you.
I want a family. And I hear you. If we can’t have a baby of our own, then so be it.
I love you and your kids enough to be okay with that.
But, somehow, knowing we’d never even get a shot…
It just feels like maybe you’re not giving us a real shot. ”
And there it was. What I was wondering. Was I helping Emerson? Or was I pushing Chase away? And why was it so hard to tell?
Talk about a rock and a hard place. He was so sincere.
And so sweet. And, suddenly, I wanted all the things he wanted.
I wanted that life that we could have, that picture he was painting.
And I knew he had changed me. Just a little.
For the better. But the thing about me was that some truths were indelible.
And one of those? I might love a man. I might want to spend my life with him.
But I would never—not ever—choose anyone over my sisters.