29. Caroline A Shot #2
I had considered the dissolution of my marriage to be my biggest failure.
If I was honest, I hadn’t divorced him yet because a teeny-tiny part of me thought that maybe there was a chance we’d get back together.
But now, it was like maybe all that happened so that I could feel this thing, right now, that I felt with Chase.
So that I would get this one moment in time to feel all those fairy-tale feelings.
I took a deep breath. “But is it wrong not to tell Emerson? I mean, does she want this?”
He nodded. “Yeah. I mean, Emerson’s big dream is that you offer to have a baby for us.
” He shrugged. “But even Em, as—um, okay, we both know she can be selfish. So even as selfish as she can be, she’s not going to ask you for something that big.
Being a surrogate is hard enough, but it’s your egg, too.
So, yes, she wants that. But, Car, you don’t have to do everything just because it makes Emerson happy. It’s nice, but you also ruined her.”
We both laughed. “I did. I ruined her so hard. She is so spoiled. God bless you, Kyle.”
He looked down and shook his head.
“Okay,” I said, sitting up straighter, feeling certain and decided. “So, here’s what I’m thinking. I want to use my doctor. I love her, and she knows me well. It’s a concierge practice, so I’ll call them Monday and let them know you are coming to leave me your…” I pointed up and down him.
“Ew,” he said. “So pleasant.”
“Right. If you could leave your sample with her, then we’ll figure out the tiptop best insemination day and go from there.” I took a deep breath. “It will likely be sometime this week.”
His eyes widened.
I nodded. “I know. It’s fast. But sooner is always better due to my advanced maternal age.” I smiled at him.
“But when you’re sleeping with a hot movie star, age is really just a number.”
“Right.”
I felt uneasy. Probably because I knew my next conversation was going to be with said hot movie star. And even I, as non-self-aware as I could be, had to wonder if partly I was so committed to being Emerson’s surrogate because I was using it as an excuse to push him away.
“Babe!” Chase said, scooping me up and kissing me. “This place is awesome! I mean, like, amazing. Let’s move here.”
I laughed. I loved his enthusiasm. It was part of what made Chase so intoxicating. “So, that’s it? You finally become a movie star, and you just give it all up and move to a little island in Georgia?”
He nodded. “With you. That’s the important part.”
I smiled and kissed him again. “You’re cute.”
“You’re cute,” he said.
He wrapped his arm around my waist and I matched him step for step. “So, are you just high on cotton candy?”
“I think I’m just falling for Peachtree Bluff,” he said. “Get it? Falling.”
I laughed. “It’ll do that to you. Reel you in and never let you go.”
Never slowing his pace, he kissed my temple. “Are we paddleboarding now?”
I needed to talk to him, didn’t I? Or did I?
I couldn’t decide. But I figured, either way, Starlite Island was as good a place as any to have a little chat.
I mean, why not? I’d get him all relaxed and then lower the boom.
Or maybe he’d be fine. There was really no way to tell.
We turned onto Mom’s dock, retrieved the paddleboards, and dropped them in the water.
As our paddles sliced across the water, I realized that this was, more than anything, a huge moment of growth for me.
Because I was uncertain. And the crux of my life had, up until this point, been all about being sure.
Being bullheaded. Knowing what I wanted and not letting anything get in the way.
And now, I wanted to know what he thought. I wanted to know how he felt.
Or I was pushing him away so hard it was a middle-school move. One or the other.
“Babe!” he called. “There are horses! Do you see that?”
I laughed, slowing my pace to paddle beside him. “They are wild, so don’t, like, try to nuzzle them or anything.”
“I bet I could tame one. I’ll be riding that one by sunset.” He pointed.
I smiled at him. Just the abs alone on him… “I have zero doubt. But, like, just in case, maybe let’s not try. ‘Next George Clooney Trampled by Wild Horses’ isn’t really a headline I want to read on my People news alert, thank you very much.”
He raised his eyebrows at me. “Clooney, huh? You think I’ve got that kind of staying power?”
“Honestly, I wish you didn’t. I wish I thought you were going to crash and burn and that I could coerce you into moving to Peachtree and living a simple life here with me. But, baby, I think you’re the real deal.”
He winked at me. “I think you’re the real deal.” He paused. “But, hey, does the acting thing bother you? I can give it up, you know.”
I laughed. “Just like that? Easy come, easy go?”
“Jobs come and go. Great loves don’t.”
I got a huge lump in my throat. I’d been trying to avoid this thing between us, trying to deny it. But that’s what it was. It didn’t make sense. I couldn’t put it in a spreadsheet in any sort of sensible way. But it was love. It was big, real, great love. And I didn’t want to let it go.
“Chase, you are too much,” I said. “And while I don’t think you’re wrong, I think acting is more than a job. I think it’s a way of being, a way in which you move through the world. And I would never take that away from you.”
He paused his paddling for a moment. “Wait. Are you asking me to choose?”
“No!” I said, incredulous. “Things are getting lost in translation. You are good, acting is good, New York is good. We’re good.”
He put his hand to his heart. “Whew.”
We nosed our boards up onto Starlite Island, hopped off, and pulled them up onto the spit of sand in front of the trees. The water was calm, and I loved the way it lapped the shore. It was rhythmic and steady.
I took his hand. “I need to talk to you about something.”
He stopped walking abruptly. “See. I knew something was up with you! That’s why I was being weird.”
“Everything’s fine. Can we just sit down?”
“Nope.” He crossed his arms. “People only want you to sit down when they are about to wreck your world. So I will not sit down.”
I laughed. He really was so adorable. “Chase.”
He rolled his eyes. “Fine.”
I sat down, cross-legged in the sand. He sat facing me. He took my right leg and put it over his left and rubbed it. I had never thought I required this level of affection. But once you had it… Man, it would be hard to give up.