32. Caroline Something in Between
caroline: something in between
THE BEST WAY TO GET over a broken heart, I had learned from experience, was to throw myself into my work.
I mean, honestly, if James hadn’t broken my heart, who knows if I ever would have even opened Sloane Emerson New York.
And, besides my children, it was by far the thing I was most proud of.
Sure, the franchising had been a rush, and Sloane Emerson LA was chic, but every time I walked up to the front of those glittering gold letters against the black granite facade, I felt something stir inside me.
It wasn’t just that I had successfully opened a store in one of the choosiest cities in the world that had continued to thrive for years; it was that it was an extension of my mother, a bridge between our life in Peachtree Bluff and our life in New York.
It soothed me. Only, today, as I stared at a painting on the wall, it wasn’t really working.
My pulse was pounding in my head like it was saying, Chase, Chase, Chase.
I had just left Metzger OBGYN, just like Kyle and I had planned. Only, nothing had gone according to my plan. I don’t know what I had been expecting, really. But—
“Mrs. Beaumont,” Deenie said. Her tone made me realize that she had been talking, and I had only been thinking about how I had been in love.
And I had blown it. But, like, had I blown it?
Was giving your sister what she wanted blowing it?
Plus, this was a new niece or nephew that I would love, too.
No, it wasn’t a child with the man I loved. But…
“Mrs. Beaumont,” Deenie said again.
“I hate it,” I proclaimed. “I only want Sloane’s art in here.”
I crossed my arms. I was being petulant.
The painting was fine. Someone would buy it, likely just because we had put our stamp of approval on it.
But it wasn’t as good as my sister’s, and I missed the days when I was surrounded by her things.
Now, I was down to one Sloane original. And I knew she couldn’t mother, head up the franchise division, and paint.
And, well, maybe this was more about needing Sloane than it was about the painting.
“Okay,” Deenie said gently. “You had asked me not to call her because she was so busy, but—”
“I’ll call her,” I snapped. Deenie’s eyes widened.
“I’m sorry,” I said, softening. I couldn’t lose the best employee I’d ever had on top of everything else. “This is one hundred percent not about you. It’s not even about the painting. The painting is fine. It’s pretty, actually. Let’s take it.”
“Is it about Chase, maybe?” she whispered.
I was shocked that my eyes filled with tears, which I quickly wiped away.
“I’m so embarrassed,” I said. “I don’t know why I’m so emotional.
” When I was pregnant and heartbroken, things were going to be really smooth over here.
I had an appointment in three days, when I should, technically, be ovulating.
I hated to admit that a part of me hoped I wasn’t.
I hated to admit that a part of me was considering putting this off until next month.
I knew Kyle would be disappointed, but he’d also understand.
And, since Emerson didn’t know, I wasn’t breaking her heart.
But she would still be sad. She still wouldn’t have what she wanted.
The door opened, and I did a double take.
A very handsome man in a very striking suit of my own choosing walked in.
“Hey,” he said with such sympathy in his voice that my eyes filled with tears.
He put his arm around me and kissed my temple.
“Can she have a coffee break?” James asked Deenie, shooting her that gleaming smile with the one dimple that used to be so irresistible to me.
“Oh, of course, Mr. Beaumont,” Deenie demurred. “I have everything handled here.” Was she blushing? I controlled my eye roll. I looked up at James, hating how handsome he was.
“I don’t have time, James,” I said. But I already knew I would go with him.
“You don’t have time for an organic iced latte with pumpkin spice coconut cold foam?”
He raised his eyebrows, and, well, my mouth was already watering. I sighed. “Fine.”
He put my hand through the crook of his arm, and I let him. I needed to feel taken care of today, even if it was by my nearly ex-husband. “The papers arrived at my office yesterday,” he said as he opened the door.
I knew he meant the divorce papers, and the whole thing just made me feel tired. “So we’re just a signature away from finally being legally unbound, huh?”
That made me feel sad too. I had known, ever since he cheated, that James and I could never be together again, not in the way we once were, but signing those papers was like admitting some sort of failure.
I had failed to keep my husband happy. I had failed to keep my family together.
All the therapy in the world couldn’t keep those thoughts from creeping in.
I wrapped my cashmere coat tighter around me.
It was chilly, and I was ready to get back to Peachtree Bluff.
Vivi and Preston had a week off for Thanksgiving, so we would head out to get all the last-minute details ready for the wedding, have Thanksgiving, and get my sister legally bound to a man I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt would never break her heart.
But, then again, despite James being rich and handsome, fit and downright irresistible, I’d never imagined he would cheat on me.
Perhaps because I have such a high opinion of myself—the same high opinion that allowed me to believe that a movie star nine years my junior could actually be interested in me long-term.
I should probably let that opinion go. But, then again, it was that confidence that made me successful, that edge that made me me. So I decided I was fine.
“So, should we go sign them now?”
“Coffee first,” James said.
I nodded because now I really, really wanted that coffee.
We walked the half-block to the coffee shop in somewhat awkward silence.
James held the door for me, and I got a table while he ordered for us.
And there it was, that sadness again. Because these were the little habits of marriage, the things you just naturally did without speaking when you had been with someone for a very long time.
He ordered, I got the table, mostly because remembering my very specific and complicated orders was one of James’s superpowers and picking the table with the most natural light—where my skin would look the best, obviously—was one of mine.
He handed me my coffee and sat down. “So, do you want to talk about it?”
I was shocked to find that I did. I really did.
Sloane and I had had a long phone call, but I obviously couldn’t talk to Emerson; I didn’t want her to know the truth and feel responsible.
I shrugged. “So, please don’t tell anyone.
” I took a sip of my coffee. Man, the foam was on point today.
So sweet and so perfectly fluffy. Totally delicious.
He made a motion like his lips were sealed.
“But the real reason Chase and I broke up is because I told him I was going to try to be Emerson and Kyle’s surrogate. Well, I guess egg donor and surrogate.”
James’s eyes widened. “Their egg donor, like with ou—” He cleared his throat. “Your egg?”
I laughed. “Were you going to say ‘our egg’? Because I’m pretty sure it’s mine.”
He looked down into his coffee. “I don’t know. That was weird. I’m sorry. Continue.”
James had lived through the years of IVF, the crazy hormones, the visualizing and hypnosis, the acupuncture and Chinese herbs, and on and on.
I did have to admit there was a part of me that blamed myself, or at least took some of the responsibility for our demise.
I had become so singularly obsessed with another baby that I had lost all sight of my marriage and the child I did have.
The irony that once I had finally given up, that once I discovered James’s affair, I found out I was pregnant with Preston, was almost too much to bear, even still.
But all of that led me to my perfect boy.
“And look, I know when I just say it, it makes Chase sound like the bad guy. But, given the timing, I sort of presented him with the idea like I’d be choosing between growing Emerson’s family and creating one of our own.”
James’s jaw dropped, and I sort of loved that I had shocked him. He laughed and leaned back in his chair, rubbing that sexy, sexy stubble on his chin. I half hated him, but I could still admit the stubble was hot. “Jesus, Caroline. You would have a baby with that adolescent?”
I knew he could be jealous, but I was surprised he was having this reaction. “Well, I’m not going to, which is what I just said. But yeah. I mean, he’s young. He wants a family. Good for him.”
James sat up straighter, composing himself.
He reached for my hand and I let him take it, partly because I was vulnerable, but partly because it wasn’t so very odd for him to touch me, even all these years later.
“Well, I want you to know that I’m here to support you.
I think having Emerson and Kyle’s baby is very selfless of you, and I will do anything I can to make things easier on you.
If I can pick up more slack with the kids or—”
“Even though it’s your egg?” A smile played on my lips.
He smiled back. “Sorry. It was just a reaction. Old habits and whatnot.”
I took another sip of my coffee, feeling suddenly nervous and uncomfortable and really wanting this conversation to be over. “So, um, should we take these to your office?” I asked, gesturing toward our coffees. I tried to sound upbeat as I said, “It’s a beautiful day to get divorced!”
Still, it made my stomach turn. The finality of it.
James leaned forward and took a deep breath. He shook his head. “I don’t want to sign those papers.”
I sighed and took my hand back. “James, come on. I thought we had settled everything years ago. And I know you were very generous and if you’ve changed your mind—”
“I haven’t changed my mind about the money. I always want to take care of you.”
Well, that was nice. Even though, technically, I realized, I didn’t need him to take care of me. That was even nicer.
He sort of wrung his hands, and I could tell he was nervous.
But I wasn’t totally sure why. “Look, if this is about me using your plane and shopping for you, I can take a step back. I promise. I’ll be better.
” I didn’t want to be better. I wanted to use his plane, and the clothes he picked out when left to his own devices were awful, and, for better or worse, we were coparents, so I had to look at him often. But, whatever.
“I don’t want to take a step back,” he said. He cleared his throat again. “I don’t know why I’m so nervous. You make me nervous.”
Well, that was something. Even after all these years.
“Caroline, I was going to cook up some big plan, but the papers came, and so I just need to tell you the truth.”
My heart began to race because, all of a sudden, I thought I had an idea what he was going to say. But no. No way. We had long put the past behind us. At least, I had. Hadn’t I?
“I love you. I have always loved you. I have never stopped loving you. And this isn’t just because I was seeing you with another guy. I’ve been thinking this for months—you can ask your sisters.”
He talked to my sisters? Thanks for the heads-up, girls. Really. There was a lump in my throat, but I couldn’t figure out why. Was I happy? Horrified? Something in between? I truly was so shocked I didn’t know.
“I want to be together, Caroline. I want to be a family again. And if that means going through a pregnancy with you or opening stores in Dubai or whatever you want, for the rest of our lives, I’m in.
I’m here for it. I made a terrible mistake, and I know I broke what we had.
But there is no one like you. I only want you.
And if I had a million wishes, I would only use one.
And that would be for you to give me another chance.
Just let me show you how sorry I am. Let me show you that I can be the man you deserve. ”
I took another sip of pumpkin spice, trying to calm my nerves. But I couldn’t even taste it. And, for maybe the first time I could remember, I had been rendered completely and totally speechless.