Chapter 8 #2
Her eyes welled up with tears—which I did not expect at all.
“He hasn’t seen the kids since,” she explained.
“He lost a ton of money when the housing bubble burst and the market was wonky. He owes me a lot of back support. He hasn’t even attempted to see the kids, and I think it’s because he’s a failure, and he’s embarrassed.
They’re old enough to understand that now. ”
“I don’t know what to say, Sarah. I’m so sorry you had to go through that.” I hated that I couldn’t take her pain away. I didn’t cause it, and I never wanted to hurt her, but I still somehow felt responsible on behalf of all the dumbass men out there.
Sarah wiped away a tear and shrugged it off. “He was an asshole. I fell for him. It’s just as much my fault.”
“Don’t say that. What kind of man abandons his children? What kind of man doesn’t want to know or see his children?” I took Sarah’s hands into my own and squeezed gently. “I know I’m not a father...yet...but I would want to spend every second I could with my kids.”
Her expression shifted. Something in her eyes changed. “So...is that something you want? Kids?”
I’d been thinking of the topic more and more since I’d held my newborn niece in my arms when I was in Ohio for Christmas. “Yeah, I suppose I do...someday.”
Sarah nodded. “Well, you’ll make a great father. Any kid would be lucky to call you dad.”
My military service had left scars on my soul. Sometimes I doubted I had what it took to raise kids. “What makes you say that?”
But she didn’t have to think too hard before rattling off her reasons. “You’re smart, funny, good with my kids. Patient. Attentive...well, you are in person anyway...”
Her eyes roved up and down my body. “Physically, you’re quite a specimen. You’d be passing on great genes.” She took a deep breath and added, “And because you have convictions. You believe in something...and you’re willing to fight for it.”
“I’m flattered.” He laughed. “It’s a high compliment considering what an amazing mom you are to Abby and Owen. You know what it takes better than I do.”
“So,” Sarah wore a sly smirk, “I guess we just need to find you a woman worthy of having your baby.”
“Yeah, know where I can pick one of those up?” I laughed, then blurted out something I’d been meaning to tell her for quite a while. “Well, I may know someone, actually.”
It just never seemed like the timing was right. And I was waiting to find out about my deployment. Naturally, it would change everything—the entire course of my life. And I still wasn’t sure what it meant for my relationships.
“Who’s that?” she choked out.
“My high school sweetheart.” When she didn’t say a word, I added, “We’ve been back in touch.”
“Oh?” All the color seemed to drain out of her face as her back straightened.
“Yeah, I saw her when I was back in Ohio for Christmas. She just got out of a relationship...no kids yet. She’s a nurse. It was really nice to see her again.”
Sarah blinked rapidly, seeming to process the information. “Uh...were you going to tell me?”
“I’m telling you now.” I didn’t mean to sound defensive, but my tone was undeniably sharp.
Sarah took a deep breath and let it out slowly before asking, “Did you sleep with her when you were home?”
“Yeah.” Sarah practiced what she called “ethical nonmonogamy.” Surely she couldn’t be upset.
She slid to the edge of the bed, sat there for a moment as she gathered her clothes, then walked across the room.
She stood, looking out the window onto the woods behind my house, her back to me, completely silent.
Then she threw her shirt over her head, not bothering with the sports bra she’d worn to climb the rock wall.
What the fuck? She wasn’t taking this as well as I thought she would.
I stayed on the bed, the beginnings of a headache pulsing at my temples. “Why are you mad? You’re fucking that Polish guy.”
“Which I told you about. BEFORE I fucked him.” Sarah tugged on her pants and socks. “This happened two months ago, and you’re just now telling me?”
“I didn’t think you’d care.” What had I done? Why was she reacting this way?
Fully dressed now, she whipped around to glare at me. “So what’s going on with you two?”
I climbed off the bed, grabbed my towel from the shower earlier off the chair, and wrapped it around my waist. “I don’t know.
” It came out softly this time, not defensive.
“We broke up when I left for Basic. Then we lost touch when I married Becca. This fall she found me on Facebook, and we reconnected.”
Sarah’s dark eyes pierced right through me. “So?”
“We hung out when I was home. The week after Christmas, she came over to my parents’ house a few times. We reminisced. It was fun.” What does she want me to say? What would fix this?
“Still talking to her?”
I nodded.
“I have to go, James.” That was all she said.
“What?” She couldn’t just discuss this like an adult? I wasn’t like her ex. I wasn’t cheating. She and I didn’t have an exclusive relationship. “Why? I don’t understand why you’re so jealous.”
Sarah shook her head, breaking a tear loose that trickled down her cheek. “The fact you don’t understand just further illustrates why I need to leave.”
I tried to take her hand. She squeezed mine briefly, then let it go.
“James, this kind of information is critical to your relationship with me. It’s the type of thing we should have discussed before two months elapsed. You compartmentalize me. You don’t want the different facets of your life to touch. And I get it; I do.”
She forced a tiny smile, and her eyes softened as she stared at me. “But I’m holistic. Everything is connected for me, and I can’t be boxed up like this.”
“I’ve never promised you anything, Sarah. I thought I could do whatever I wanted.” The defensiveness I’d tried to suppress fought its way back to the surface, edging each of my words.
“I guess not,” Sarah said coolly. “Good luck with everything, James, and I mean that.”
She picked up her purse and dug out her keys, then she walked right out of my house and out of my life.
All the while, I remained in the same spot. Frozen.