Chapter 9
CHAPTER
NINE
She wouldn’t take my calls or answer my texts. She had completely cut me off.
And I couldn’t get her out of my mind. Weeks had passed, and I missed her so bad, I fucking hurt. My heart ached. I just wanted another chance.
I couldn’t believe I was doing this. Not when I called Rachel to ask her how to find Sarah at her conference in Denver.
Not when I booked the plane ticket. Not when I boarded my flight or landed in the mountains.
Not when I drove to her hotel. And definitely not when I was knocking on her hotel room door.
And I certainly didn’t expect her to answer the door dripping wet and naked, then slip and fall right at my feet.
After picking her up and carrying her to the bed, then drying her off completely, I was glad to see her fully regain consciousness.
“Why am I so woozy?” she mumbled, shaking her head from side to side.
“Because you passed out?” I answered her honestly.
“The room is spinning.”
“I bet it is.” I tucked the blankets around her and leaned down to press a kiss to her forehead. “I’m sorry I couldn’t catch you, but you only had the door half-open, and I would have knocked you to the floor even faster if I’d pushed it the rest of the way.”
She seemed to be regaining her wits as her eyes trailed up and down my figure. “What are you doing here?”
“You wouldn’t talk to me,” I explained. “And, well, that just didn’t work for me. So, I took a few days’ leave and came out here. I want to talk.” I took her hand in mine and squeezed. “Please?”
“I don’t know what to say,” was all she could muster.
“I don’t want you to say anything now,” I assured her. “Get some sleep, and we’ll talk about it tomorrow. Your conference doesn’t start till Wednesday, right?”
She nodded, but she still looked somewhat disoriented.
I tucked a tendril of dark hair behind her ear. “What do you have planned for tomorrow?”
“Driving down to the Springs.” She pulled the sheet up to cover her bare breasts, like I hadn’t already seen her entire body on display. “Then home to Breckenridge on Tuesday.”
“Can I come with you?”
I barely caught her hesitant nod before I poured her a glass of water. “Here, I bet you’re dehydrated from flying. Wine was probably not the wisest choice—and when was the last time you ate?”
“This morning in Maryland.” She gave me a sheepish grin.
“I’m going out to get you something to eat.” I placed the water glass on her bedside table and kissed her chastely on the forehead. “I’ll be back in just a few.”
Why did taking care of her feel so good?
“Why am I not surprised Rachel was in on this?” Sarah rolled her eyes as she steered the rental car deep into the mountains.
“Well, she cares about you a lot.” I rested my hand on Sarah’s thigh, and she let me. “She wants to help you, but I think you tend to shut her out. You’re great at helping friends who need you, but I don’t think you like to accept help yourself when you need it.”
“What exactly is it I need help with?” she fired back.
I chuckled at the sarcasm in her tone. “Me? I guess?”
She asked me how Rachel and I managed to pull this off, and I explained in full detail, answering her myriad questions along the way.
“I don’t know whether to yell at her or thank her,” Sarah admitted.
“Well, I hope you’ll thank her.” I placed my hand on top of hers on the gearshift.
“I’ll tell you after today.”
When Sarah steered her rental car into the sanctuary known as Garden of the Gods, my heart nearly seized.
The red rock formations rose into the sky, a vivid contrast against the pure, cloudless blue.
It looked exactly the same as I remembered, but I certainly wasn’t old enough to fully appreciate its beauty the last time I visited.
“I haven’t been here since I was a kid.” Awe pushed any further words deep into my throat, my lungs squeezing from the sheer grandeur of the tableau before us.
Sarah whipped into a parking space near Kissing Camels. “It’s timeless.”
We walked across the parking lot to the pathway that rounded the massive, breathtaking formation. The sun illuminated her dark wavy hair as she spun in a circle, arms outstretched. I’d always thought of her as a goddess, but here she was Mother Nature personified.
“So I finally see you in your element, Dr. Lynde.” I caught a strand of her hair flying in the breeze and tucked it behind her ear. “You seem like you belong here. Another timeless beauty.”
Her dark eyes met mine. “That may be the highest compliment I’ve ever been paid.”
I reached down to take her hand into mine as we started down the trail.
Energy and beauty were boundless here in this magical setting.
A peace seeped deep into my bones that I hadn’t felt in years, maybe not ever.
I was here with this divine creature, surrounded by the most stunning beauty the earth had to offer.
An hour later, we spread out our picnic near Balanced Rock. We’d hardly spoken a word since we left her car. But the wind seemed to shift, bringing with it a tension, a thread woven between us. It was impossible to tell if it would pull tight or snap in two.
“Here’s what I want to know,” Sarah began. “What’s her name?”
She was speaking of my high school sweetheart. The one I’d told her about two months too late. I’d broken her trust, but I wanted to prove that I could do this. I could do this ethical nonmonogamy she spoke so fondly of. And to do that, I needed to be honest. Open. Transparent.
“Maggie,” I shared willingly, no defensiveness in my tone this time. “Maggie Carson.”
“Why didn’t you tell me about Maggie?” Sarah questioned.
I knew this conversation was on the agenda. I prepared for it. I’d had a speech written in my mind. Of course, it all flew out of the window once the words began spilling out.
“When I first started talking to her a few months ago on Facebook, it was almost unreal...just words on a screen at first. I didn’t know if I would ever see her, or if she’d even want to see me.
She was pretty angry with me for getting married all those years ago.
When I went off to Basic, we’d left things open-ended.
We thought someday we might end up back together.
So she was hurt when I married Becca before I deployed. ”
“But then you did see her,” Sarah steered the topic right back to my error of omission.
“Right.” My foot raked through the red dirt as I formulated my response.
“And it was weird at first. You know how it is when you see someone as an adult, someone you knew when you were growing up? It’s like you have to get to know them all over again, but it’s almost harder because you have all these memories, and you’re always trying to reconcile the present them with the past them. ”
Sarah nodded as she started packing up our leftovers from lunch. Hiking helped us both work up an appetite, but as soon as she broached the subject of Maggie, it was clear lunch was over. “Let’s walk.”
When we crossed the road to the start of a new trail, I slung the backpack over my shoulder. “So, we talked about it… About making a go of it—you know, marriage, family. All that. Like we had talked about when we were kids.”
“But?” She seemed to be holding her breath.
“We’re both...cautious. She just got out of a serious relationship. She never had kids; her ex was a jerk. You know about my experience. And, well, I’m getting ready to leave.”
“Did you tell her about me?”
The trail ascended a slanted rock, our steps leaving pairs of boot prints in the dusty red dirt.
We looped around and through another formation, the Siamese Twins this time.
I stopped to boost her up onto a ledge, which provided a stunning view of a majestic snow-capped Pikes Peak suspended over the gray mountains and framed by the red rock formations at the edge of the park.
I sat on one of the flatter stones and pulled her down next to me. “I told her I’m seeing other people.”
She looked down at her hiking boots, avoiding my gaze. “So, I don’t understand what this means for us. If there even is an ‘us.’”
“I don’t really know what any of it means,” I admitted. “That’s why I didn’t tell you. Because I really don’t know.”
She continued looking at the ground. I wasn’t sure what was down there, but it seemed easier to look at than me. I had disappointed her, and she was trying to decide if it was a dealbreaker. My heart pounded…impatiently waiting…because the ball was in her court.
And I was scared.
I didn’t want to lose her.
I wouldn’t be here with her right now if she wasn’t important to me. If she wasn’t vital to my happiness. If I didn’t want to be vital to hers.
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you,” I finally broke the silence, hoping she would look up and meet my gaze. “That was wrong. You’ve always been honest with me about your…other relationships. I just didn’t know what to say.”
Just like that, her head snapped up, brown eyes finding mine. “Do you love her?”
I didn’t hesitate. “I think I do.”
“Well, then you should be with her.” She shifted, rising from her seat next to me.
I took her hand and coaxed her back down beside me. “Sarah…” I lifted her chin to meet my gaze again, and the sunlight caught on the tears in her eyes. “I’m confused.”
A tear broke loose and trickled down her cheek. “What do you mean?”
“I have feelings for you too.” I held her gaze, not even blinking.
“What kind of feelings?” The flutter of her eyelashes released another tear.
I swallowed hard and reminded myself why I was here. Why I’d flown all the way to Colorado to see my goddess. To try to help her understand where I was. What I wanted. How she fit into it all.
If she wants to, that is.
“I care about you a lot, Sarah. I love spending time with you. I don’t know what that means, but I know I don’t want to stop.”
A sigh fluttered past her lips as I wrapped my arm around her waist. “When you left the other day...I stood there trying to imagine never seeing you again. And—” I sucked in a breath and let it out fast. “—And I couldn’t bear it. I didn’t want to imagine it.”
I pulled her to me. She buried her face in my chest and sobbed as I raked my fingers through her sun-streaked hair. My lips pressed to her ear. “Are you okay?”
Her voice came out strong, determined, resolved. “I’m in love with you, James.”
I thought I heard the beginnings of a “but.”
She continued, a smile gracing her lips, “There’s no ‘but,’ James.
I just love you. I want you to be happy, and I know that might not be with me.
I love you so much, it hurts... Sometimes you treat me like I don’t matter to you.
I feel like you put me in this box, when all I want is to matter to you.
I don’t want to be in a box. I just want to be important to you.
All the time. Not just when you feel like it. ”
“You do matter to me, Sarah.” My sigh probably sounded more like a scoff. “Of course you matter to me. More than I even want to admit.”
I’d fucked this up so bad. All my wrestling with my feelings for her, trying to keep them reined in. And all it did was make her doubt me. Make me think I’m not mature enough to handle this poly thing.
And right now, her teary eyes showed she was struggling to believe me. “Really?”
“I don’t know how to explain it, but I feel love for you too. I don’t know what else to call it,” I admitted. “I guess I’m conflicted.”
“It’s possible to love more than one person,” she assured me. “That’s what polyamory is, after all. And there’s nothing wrong with it. It’s wonderful to be free enough to open your heart in multiple directions. I wish more people could.”
“Your mind is beautiful.” I didn’t miss the way my compliment made her eyes light up.
I was done holding back. I needed to tell her. Deployment be damned.
“Sarah, all of you is beautiful. How could I not love you? When you look into my eyes, I feel like you’re staring straight into my soul. No one has ever looked at me like that before.”
I leaned in and brushed my lips against hers, tentatively at first, but with one stroke of my tongue, she opened to me. She wrapped her arms around me as I held her face in my hands, sealing my declaration of love with a kiss that matched the majesty of the mountains.
My entire body felt lighter, my burdens lifted just knowing we were able to meet in the middle. It wasn’t a final decision or a commitment—and it didn’t come with a new label—but it was an understanding.
That was all we needed right now.
I wanted to carry this love and memories of our day together in Garden of the Gods with me to Afghanistan, hold it close to my heart like something precious.
Because it was.