32. Nat
THIRTY-TWO
Nat
The hotel lobby had been a shit-show. I’d dragged myself out of my rideshare to find total chaos in the form of loud kids of all ages here for the statewide spelling bee, just my luck. I’d tried to put on a smiling facade for the receptionist, but could barely muster up a wave.
By the time I’d made it to my room, I had five missed calls from Hazel. She'd left me a couple of messages while I was in flight, and I couldn’t put her off for much longer. So after a shower and some self-care, I picked up the phone.
“So, how’s it going?”
I twirled the sash to my hotel robe and stared at my newly painted toes as Hazel asked the question of the day over video chat.
“Oh, you know.” My stomach was upset, and I questioned why I went from one mortifying situation to another. Tomorrow’s party was going to suck. “Mandy and I are about to go to dinner, just the two of us. It’ll be nice.”
More like it’d be difficult to mask my emotions about what I was diving into and what I’d just been through with Jack.
Jack.
The name I couldn’t even think of without tearing up. But I couldn’t tell Hazel that. Not now. Not if I was going to make it through this day.
“Are you okay, Nat? I mean, I know you’re about to go into this terrible situation, but it just feels like there’s something else.”
My throat stung as I swallowed down the words I wanted to say. Instead, I blurted out a completely different thought, as though I hadn’t been vulnerable enough in the past twenty-four hours. “I think I’m hard to love.”
The silence that followed was deafening.
“Forget I said that,” I choked out. “I just heard a knock at the door. It’s probably room service.”
“No, Nat. Don’t you dare.”
“Listen, Haze, it was a stupid thought. I think I’m just down on myself,” I tried. “It’s because of the whole parents thing, and you trying to fill my role and—”
“Whoa, whoa, whoa. What do you mean by me trying to fill your role?”
“I mean, you found a replacement, and that’s cool,” I lied.
Shock covered Hazel’s face. “I had someone reach out to me, but I’ll kick them to the curb right now, babe. I want you to stay.”
“You want me to—”
“It’s not even a question. Do you want to stay?”
Did I? That question wouldn’t have even crossed my mind forty-eight hours ago, but now, with everything happening with Jack, I didn’t know.
Hazel’s kind eyes hit me right in the gut. “You don’t have to answer that just yet. Let’s start with you telling me what’s actually wrong.”
“He doesn’t want me.”
“Who? Jack? Bullshit.”
The woman with her jaw hanging open on the small screen on our call didn’t look like me. “You…”
“You really think after weeks of bickering and sexual tension that we wouldn’t notice you two finally getting along?
I know Daddy Leo putting the hammer down wasn’t the only reason you two could suddenly stand each other.
I never should have bet Leo about you two in the beginning. Now I owe him fifty bucks. Dammit.”
I didn’t know how to wrap my head around this revelation. They knew. And who were they exactly?
“I don’t know what I was thinking. He doesn’t want a relationship. He doesn’t want to open himself to anything. I don’t know why I thought I would be the thing that changed his mind.”
Hazel’s strong gaze had me feeling like she was in the room with me.
“Look, Jack needs time to digest. He has ever since I’ve known him.
He hasn’t had the best luck with love, and he closes himself off when he’s scared.
And what’s scarier than giving your heart to someone else?
” Her gaze drifted from the screen, as if she were lost in thought about something, before glancing back to me. “I have a feeling he’ll come around.”
The idea sparked hope in me, but I didn’t want to believe it, just in case she was wrong. Was it smart for me to wait around? Was it smart to take him back after he rejected me?
“Can you answer a question for me? Why didn’t you think you could talk to me about this?”
I swallowed. “Because he’s your friend.”
“I think that’s a cop-out.” Hazel had always been direct. It was jarring and often caught me off guard when she was being real with me, but I had to respond honestly. She deserved that much.
“I didn’t want to be a burden. I’m always afraid I’m one step from pushing you away.”
The sorrow that spread across her face was telling, and yet I still felt that tug to keep myself from her. What if I lost her? Who would I have left?
“I wish I were there to hug you.” That was a surprise.
Hazel definitely wasn’t a hugger. The moment you received one of her hugs, you knew it meant something.
And how I wished I could feel her arms around me.
Maybe cry on her shoulder. “You’re one of my best friends.
You could never be a burden to me. Why do you always think you’re too much for people? ”
“Because I am. You think I haven’t heard it enough? I’m too annoying. I’m too emotional. I’m too complicated.” And yet, I wasn’t enough at the same time. Not enough for Jack to love.
“When was the last time you spoke to your therapist?” There was a slight smile on her face, and I laughed, the tears in my eyes loosening.
I hoped the video quality was poor enough for her to miss that.
Hazel leaned forward, as if the proximity would drive her point home.
“Because I think they would tell you the same thing. You are not too much. You’re amazing.
There’s nobody like you, and that makes you special. ”
I was ugly crying now. “You think so?”
“I know so.” Her face was no longer recognizable through my tears. “And whether it works out with Jack or not, you need to remember one thing. You are completely lovable. I know this because I fell in love with you the day we became roommates. The day we became friends.”
“Your eyes are puffy.” My sister stepped forward and touched the apple of my cheek, concern written all over her face.
I wrapped her in a hug. “Gee, thanks. I missed you, too.”
We took our seats in the cozy booths at our favorite art-deco-inspired restaurant.
It had been a long time since I’d been here.
It’d been a long time since I’d been home, if I could even call Maryland that anymore.
But some things never changed, and this place, with its wood-paneled bar, brass accents, geometric art prints, and to-kill-for horchata panna cotta, inspired warm feelings in me.
“Grandma Carol would tell you to put cold spoons on them.”
I chuckled. “Can you imagine what that would look like?”
“Better than forks,” Mandy joked. “She says hi, by the way. She wanted to come, but she’s on that cruise in Ensenada.”
She’d been looking forward to it for months. The last time I saw her was in February for our Galentine’s tradition. She’d told me she’d been plotting how to hit all the buffets on the luxury liner. She had a map and everything. How she and my mom had the same genes, I’d never know.
“It means so much that you came out here. I know I didn’t get to say it during our last phone call, but I’m sorry about our fight.” Mandy’s eyes were downcast. Guilt was written all over her face.
The server came to take our order, and I was relieved for the opportunity to work up the nerve to say what I needed to say.
“I’m sorry, too. But I need you to know, there is precedent for me saying the things I say about our parents.
” Maybe I’d learned something else from Hazel.
Being direct was the only way to be about this.
She sighed loudly, and it filled me with frustration.
“No, Mandy. Listen to me. They kicked me out of this family. All because I didn’t let them control me any longer.”
After years of running from conflict with my sister, I realized I didn’t need to do it anymore. It was time to face things head-on, and the first thing I needed to do was stop sugarcoating the past and tell her the truth, whether or not she liked it.
Mandy narrowed her eyes in disbelief, and I knew I’d have to prove myself. “They told me you turned your back on them. On us.”
I clenched my jaw painfully before releasing it.
“Mom’s exact words were, ‘If you think you’re going to shame this family by going off and being an Instagram model, don’t bother coming home.
’” I couldn’t let her off the hook. For once, I was going to hold her accountable.
I wasn’t going to be passive and let my sister believe her lies.
“I’ve tried to tell you this before, but you keep fighting me every time I do. ”
Mandy’s eyes narrowed. Was she surprised? Ashamed? Disbelieving? “I don’t know, Nat.”
That was disappointing, but I wasn’t about to beg for her understanding. “Well, now you know my side of it. Take it as you will.”
We silently took sips of our blackberry mojitos until our server came by and dropped off our food.
After that, we were back to superficial conversation about wedding stuff, which was a welcome reprieve, given the emotional conversations I’d had back to back.
But it left me wondering if this was yet another relationship I needed to push aside for my own mental health.
When someone didn’t believe you, how real could things actually be?