33. Nat
THIRTY-THREE
Nat
It was the kind of party my family loved to throw. Cocktail hour, followed by a big dinner, coming in at a little over a hundred people. I’d been to a million of these things, and I’d never felt more out of place.
Was it all in my head, or were most of them looking at me?
A loud clatter came from across the elegant ballroom, and as I found the location of the commotion, my eyes bugged out of my head. All heads were turned Jack’s way, as if everyone here could tell that he wasn’t supposed to be here.
My breath caught in my throat, and the ringing in my ears didn’t let up as I took him in.
Jack in a sports coat and slacks. Jack. Here.
Was I hallucinating? He and the server he’d obviously run into had bent over to pick up the spilled food from a tray the server had been carrying.
I left my conversation with my sister’s sorority without explanation and rushed over to the mess.
My stepfather would definitely chastise me if he knew this was because of me.
Jack let out a string of apologies to the man holding crushed canapés on a silver platter. When he left, Jack stood up and swiped at his knees to brush off the dirt from the floor. Then he straightened, his eyes trailing up my legs to my face.
“What are you doing here?” I whispered in exasperation.
A charming grin spread across Jack’s face, and it nearly had me buckling. He placed his arm on my bicep and moved me away from the swinging kitchen door. “I needed to talk to you.”
How had he even found me? I swallowed the question, mostly due to shock.
Jack answered as if I’d asked it anyway. “Hazel told me you were at a country club, and I called around looking for the Breckenridge party. Do you know how many there are in this city? Fourteen. That’s just excessive, don’t you think?”
Someone tinked a glass and alerted us that it was time to take our seats.
I swallowed, choosing to focus on the pink dahlias and eucalyptus crowding crystal vases that were centered on each of the round tables.
The head table’s bouquets were giant poofs of peach and white.
It was all very classy and reminded me of a world I used to belong to.
I turned to the table I was meant to be at.
It was just twenty feet away. I could make it without falling apart. “I can’t do this right now.”
Any hope that he would leave quickly went away as I pulled out my seat. A sharp scraping sound came from behind me. The sound of a chair being pulled across parquet wood flooring. This place was dated as hell.
“Do you mind?” he asked as he pushed the chair between me and my cousin, Paige.
She did, in fact, mind. She glared at him as he moved between us, unsuccessfully, since he could only fit a leg in the space, his other leg crammed up against my chair. “You look beautiful,” he whispered in my ear. The hairs on my neck stood on end as his breath caressed the skin there.
I turned my head, ready to unleash hell on the man with the utter gall to say such a thing, when more glass tinking filled the space.
My mother and stepfather stood behind my sister and her fiancée’s chairs. My mother took the mic. “Thank you all for coming to celebrate Amanda’s engagement.”
I rolled my eyes. No mention of Shoshanna, but sure.
“Many of you know how much pride I have for my two daughters, Amanda and Natalie, who have both achieved great things.”
Wait… What? My mother had only expressed pride for me on a few occasions: after I’d done well at political events, at my graduations, and when I’d accepted a job at her company.
Maybe this was the turning of a new leaf?
Maybe the estrangement was finally over.
“We are so excited to welcome yet another daughter into the fold. To Amanda and Shoshanna.” She raised her glass.
“May your impending marriage be fruitful and full of possibility.”
Everyone repeated, “To Amanda and Shoshanna,” before taking sips of their drinks. I did the same, but my smile made it difficult to consume anything. Had she actually admitted she was proud? What was happening?
I turned to find Mandy, who looked every bit the happy bride-to-be, beaming at her intended. I was happy she didn’t make eye contact with me. After all the foot-dragging I’d been doing, I’d clearly been wrong about our parents wanting me here, but I was much happier being wrong than being right.
Mom and Dean sat down on the other side of our twelve-person table, and I was resolved to break the ice despite the barnacle attached to my side. “How are you, Mom?”
She glanced up from her champagne glass. “I’m fine, Natalie. Happy for your sister.”
She gave me the perfect in to start a conversation. “Has Mandy talked about a date yet? I know she wants a destination wedding, so I’m not sure how that affects timelines.”
“We don’t have a date, but we’ll be doing it at the club,” my mother said, tight-lipped.
“Oh. I thought she wanted to get married in Italy.”
“Things change.” The pointed glare she sent my way would have had fourteen-year-old Nat shivering in her astronomically expensive pumps. I’d never been a heels girl, but that didn’t matter to my mother.
“Oh. Well, I’m sure it’ll be nice here, too.” Though I’d be sure to talk to Mandy about her actual feelings regarding her wedding venue.
My mother nodded and turned to Dean.
Seeing an opportunity, Jack jumped at his chance to talk to me. “Can we take a minute to—”
“You know, Natalie, I’m surprised you even came,” Dean interjected, just above a whisper. The rest of the table seemed tied up in their own conversations, but I heard him loud and clear.
I turned away from a dumbfounded Jack and faced my stepfather’s barely restrained rage. His fists were clenched at his sides, his rigid posture and previously guarded stare had become dangerous. He zeroed in on me as though I were the cockroach who dared to cross his path.
My heart shriveled, and I hated the way just a comment like that could make me feel like I was ten years old and coming home with a report card that wasn’t all A’s. I treaded lightly because staying neutral around them had always been best. “It was last minute, but I made it work.”
That little vein on the side of his forehead twitched, and I knew I was in for it. “That’s not what I meant. You haven’t been a part of this family for a long time. Why are you here?”
I returned his shitty question with a glare. “Because she’s my sister. The next thing you’re going to say is I’m not allowed at the wedding.”
My mother took over. “We’ll see if you get an invitation.”
My mouth dropped open. “Wait a minute.” I barely got the words out. “You just said you were proud of me.”
“We’re not going to tell our closest friends what a stain you have been to this family’s reputation. They think you’re tied up in the London offices.”
Now I wished my social accounts had my full name on them. I’d always thought keeping my real identity separate from Naturegirlnat was because of safety and the fact that I wanted to have something based on my own merits, but I was starting to wonder if I’d been hiding behind it. For them.
“You’re an embarrassment. What did you think we were going to do? Say our daughter is being groomed to take over the company while our other daughter is frolicking through the woods?” Dean added as if my life were a punchline to a joke.
I looked down at the julienned carrots on my salad and swallowed back the lump in my throat. I didn’t think I’d be able to hold back the tide of tears on the verge of cresting, much less get words out.
“What is wrong with you?”
I turned to find an enraged Jack in the stare-down of his life before pivoting back to my mother, who, for the first time, had some fear written on her face as she glanced at our tablemates, whose ears were starting to perk up.
“Who the hell are you?” Dean asked, doing a cold, judgmental once-over and deciding that Jack was unworthy of his time. That was something we had in common.
Jack ignored the question. “Nat has nothing to be embarrassed about.” He took my hand and squeezed.
“She’s the hardest working person I know.
She’s built her brand all on her own and has more than a million people interested in what she puts out into the world.
She’s brilliant and kind. She’ll drop anything to come to the aid of people who need her.
You should be proud of her, not disparaging your own daughter.
I can’t believe you call yourself parents. ”
I’d thought the warm feeling spreading throughout my chest was the sign of a heart event, but it turned out that having someone jump to my defense in a way no one had filled me with satisfaction. It was invigorating.
“You’ll forgive me for ignoring the opinion of a man I don’t even know,” Dean countered.
Jack bulldozed right over him. “Really? Because it seems like appearances are all you care about.”
“It’s time for you to go, Natalie, and take whoever this is with you.” Dean shot daggers at Jack, and I wished my dad were here and not some sorry excuse for a stepfather.
“What’s going on?” Mandy came up from behind our parents. I was so mortified about being told to leave that I hadn’t noticed her standing behind them. “Why are you telling Nattie to go?”
My mom jumped in. “She’s making a scene, honey. The last thing we need is to bring her failures to the forefront of your party.”
Mandy was taken aback. “Failures? What are you talking about?”
“That girl has been falling short since she was a child,” my mother said. “That’s why we’re so proud of you.”
Their praise didn’t impress my sister, who turned to me, her eyebrows downcast. “I didn’t realize it was this bad.
” She wrapped her arms around herself in the same way she had when she’d been nervous as a child, before looking up at Jack quizzically.
Then she turned to Mom and Dean. “You really are awful to her. I can’t believe I didn’t see it. ”
Mandy wasn’t known for confrontation. Our parents’ word was law in our household, and deviating from what was expected could lead to disastrous results.
I was a perfect representation of that. That was why my mother and stepfather’s open-mouthed stares weren’t surprising.
If it had been me, my mother would have told me I looked like a trout, but she was too focused on her stepdaughter’s spiraling.
Instead of waiting for their response, I decided it was my chance to say something.
“I thought you might want to see me after all this time, but clearly, I was wrong. All I want is parents, but you can’t even meet the bare minimum.
Parents are supposed to love their children no matter what.
Parents are supposed to be proud of their children’s accomplishments.
If you can’t love me for me, then I’m going to surround myself with people who will.
If you want to call and apologize, you have my number. ”
Back when I worked for my mom’s company, I’d constantly tried to make her proud at the cost of my self-worth, but that had been wrong.
I’d thought I’d gotten away from allowing people to dictate how I lead my life when I’d left my family behind, but I had a pattern of doing this in relationships as well.
I tried to hold on to people even when they weren’t right for me.
Now I realized I had been masking, trying to be someone else to please them, just like I’d done as a child, all in the hopes that they would love me.
I had to accept who I was. I liked myself, and I was lovable. I just needed to stop internalizing other people’s criticisms. It was time to stop making myself smaller for people to love me.
I waved to Shoshanna, who’d witnessed the whole thing, as Mandy came around the table and kissed me on the cheek, whispering in my ear, “You don’t need them. You’ll always have me.”
The smile I gave her had to be watery, but it was more than that. It was full of pride for her and acceptance that our parents were the disappointments, not me. I didn’t need them to love me, but I could allow myself to be sad that everything I’d once had was over. I’d allow myself that much.
Once that moment was over, I reached for Jack, who looked like he was ready to go to battle, and pulled him from the room. I didn’t need to be here anymore.