Chapter 15
Mark woke in the predawn darkness, immediately wide awake. He'd fallen asleep praying for everyone in the shelter and those he knew were weathering the storm without coming in.
He started his day the same way he’d ended it, praying for the people under his care, and that God would help him to shepherd them well and to help him become more like Jesus, so he could point them to the Savior.
He slipped out of his bed, still praying, but restless. Normally, when he prayed in the morning, he paced around the church, although he did spend time on his knees before the Lord.
He carefully mapped out where everyone was the night before and managed to avoid stepping on anyone as he headed to the kitchen to grab a glass of water.
He hadn't wanted to sleep in his own bed. The parsonage was separate from the church, and the generator only provided electricity for the church, so even though his house was right next door and connected via his office, it was cold and dark.
"I'm sorry. I didn't realize you were up," Olivia said, as he almost ran into her coming out of the kitchen as he was going in.
"No. I'm sorry. I..." He looked around, and then jerked his head back toward the kitchen. He didn't want their speaking to wake anyone up. It probably wasn't even quite five o'clock yet.
She jerked her head in return and went back into the kitchen.
He carefully closed the door behind him, and with the light on over the stove, he could see that she still wore pajamas, and her hair didn't look like it had been brushed.
"Just getting up for a drink?" he asked, although she didn't owe him any explanations. It wasn't like he was the movement police or anything.
She didn't seem offended as she shook her head.
"No. I always wake up early. I didn't used to.
I would've considered myself more of a night owl, but after the twins came, the only time all day that I was guaranteed to have any kind of personal, private time was first thing in the morning.
It got to where I felt like I needed that, to just spend time with the Lord and center myself for the day I was going to have. "
"It couldn't have been easy raising two boys by yourself."
"No."
She didn't say anything else, and he didn't pressure her.
"I guess we have that in common then," he said. "Although I never did consider myself a night owl. I'm definitely not one now. I actually slept in a little this morning."
"It was a big day yesterday."
He nodded. "But I thought it went well. Hopefully today goes just as well. I haven't checked. Is it still snowing?" He glanced out the window but couldn't really tell. The streetlights were off.
"Yes. I opened the door just to see how deep it was, and I'd say we've got a foot, maybe closer to eighteen inches."
"Wow. It's not messing around."
"No. I glanced at the weather on my phone, and it said it should be ending this evening."
"How much are we supposed to get in the meantime?"
"We could get up to another two feet," she said, shuddering.
He sighed.
"Are you okay?" she asked, stepping closer and putting a hand on his forearm.
He felt her nearness like a comforting blanket. And her hand on his arm felt steady and warm.
"Yeah. I guess I just... I worry that I'm not going to live up to what Pastor Johnson was, you know?"
He didn't even realize he was going to say something like that. But it was true. So much of him wondered if the church people were looking at him and finding him lacking.
"I don't think you need to worry about that."
"He was so much wiser than I am. Sometimes wisdom is just something that you gain with age, the more time you spend with God.
And I don't have as much as he did. I don't have the time with the Lord that he did, and maybe I don't have the heart for people.
Maybe I don't have what it takes to lead a bigger congregation. My last church was really small."
"If this is where God called you, this is the job that he wants for you—it doesn't matter whether you think you're qualified or not. God will give you what you need. And whatever you are is exactly what you need to be right here in this moment."
He stared at her. He knew all of that. She wasn't telling him anything that he didn't know.
He just forgot sometimes. Needed someone to point him back to God and the Bible.
Not to give in to his fears and give voice to his insecurities and tell him that they were normal.
They were, of course. Every great man of God had times where he despaired or was depressed or felt fear. Wondered where God was, even.
"Thank you. I needed that reminder," he finally said, still wondering where she got the wisdom to set him straight. "I think most people wouldn't have said that to me."
"I guess I'm not most people," she said, lifting a shoulder.
"Honestly, I'm a little scared myself. After all, I got the last-minute Christmas candlelight service order to do.
And then, yesterday I just agreed to do another huge order.
I don't even know if I'm going to get paid for that one.
We talked about sales and tickets and that type of thing, but I know that they're starting this with no money.
So if they don't make anything, am I gonna demand that I still get paid?
After all, the idea was partly mine. I should take a little risk too.
But at the same time, I can't really afford to lose a whole lot.
" She paused, and then she said, "But through it all, I know that God's going to take care of me. I know that."
"That's great. So many people just don't have that kind of trust. I hear people say, 'Where is God? Why is he allowing me to go through this?'"
"I don't really question that about my actual life. Not too much anyway. Because I know that God didn't put me here on earth to have a life of ease and luxury. He wants me to work for him. But he also wants to grow my faith, and test it some."
"That's true. I think, especially in our American way, we've lost sight of the idea that life isn't about us and our comfort and our security and our ease and our prosperity. The prosperity gospel probably has something to do with that."
"Yeah. There are grains of truth in it, and it can be very helpful for some people, but it also makes it when bad things happen, people doubt God."
He couldn't believe that they were so aligned on that issue.
It was rare for him to find men of God who were so grounded in the truth, and yet here was this woman in front of him who seemed perfectly at ease discussing it with him.
And he couldn't deny the bit of attraction that had been flowing between them.
Whether she felt it too, he didn't know.
At some point, her hand had dropped off his arm, but he was so focused on what she was saying that he hadn't noticed.
"You probably shouldn't get me started. I could go on all day about the things that modern Christians believe that aren't biblical at all."
"We could go on all day together then, because I have a few pet peeves myself. Not the least of which is that we have to put up with sin, when God clearly said that we're to hate sin. And that we are to strive to be holy."
"Oh yeah, people think that they shouldn't be doing anything to be holy, that God will do it all.
And I guess I would have to challenge those people, because I don't see that anywhere in the Bible.
Man always has to follow God by faith before God works.
That's the formula. It requires a deliberate choice and action on our part. "
"Agreed. I have to say I'm impressed."
"With what?" she asked, sounding truly surprised.
How did he say it? At her wisdom? At her knowledge of the Bible? And how what she believed aligned with what he did?
Maybe he waited too long to say anything, because beside him, Olivia shifted.
"I better get back to the boys. They're not usually up this early, but if they do get up, I don't want them to wake anyone else."
"No. Of course not."
She didn't make any move to leave, though, and he felt like there was more that they needed to say to each other.
"It was good to talk to you. I appreciate that," he finally said.
"Yeah, it was nice to voice my concerns, I guess. Sometimes just talking about things makes them smaller in my eyes."
"It's funny. Some people need to talk about things, some people need to internalize them and roll them over that way."
"Yeah. My husband was one of those internals. He didn't say much."
"My parents were both like that. Neither one of them talked a whole lot, and I think they assumed that I knew things I didn't."
She didn't say anything, and he remembered that there seemed to be some kind of issue between her and her parents.
"Are your parents coming in for Christmas?" he asked.
"No."
She didn't elaborate. He wanted to push, to ask for more, but they'd already talked about their vulnerabilities, and he didn't want to pry.
"If you want to talk about it, I'm available."
She nodded, and then she turned and walked to the door.
He waited until after she left, thinking about their conversation, about the things that she said, and how she encouraged him, making him feel like he was just enough for the job at hand. Reminding him that God called him here, so therefore whatever he had was exactly right.
He had needed to hear that.
Lord, thank you for that reminder today, even though it came from a person, not from your word.
He walked over to the door, opening it and looking out.
Olivia had been right. There was at least a foot or a foot and a half of snow out, and it was still coming down hard.
The wind had died down, though, so maybe the crews would be able to get out and work on getting the electricity back.
It had to be wind damage, since they didn't have that much snow when it went out.
Somehow, the idea of not being around Olivia anymore made him wish that the storm would drag on and the crews would be slow today.