Chapter Three
Derek
“How’d it go?” my brother asked as I stepped inside the house.
“Uncle Derek!” Charlie ran toward me, giving me barely enough time to drop my things before she threw herself into my arms.
God, I loved this little girl. She’d taught me so fucking much about love. Charlie didn’t see the bastard I was. She didn’t see what I’d come from. To her, I was the hero. Yes, I’d saved her when Marsha had kidnapped her, but I didn’t count myself as a hero.
Everything that had happened to Charlie and Sam had been my fault.
Everything that had happened to Frankie had been my fault.
If I’d stuck around, I would have seen what Marsha was doing.
If I’d taken responsibility for Frankie when the social worker came to see me, that bastard never would have touched her.
“Dad went to jail for hurting us.”
Frankie’s words cut through my heart. I’d walked away from my daughter hoping to spare her from what I went through, fearing history would repeat itself. And she went through it anyway.
“It went fine. It was an easy fix.”
I walked into the kitchen with Charlie on my hip, stopping to look in on the sleeping twins in the playpen. How they slept with Charlie awake was a mystery to me.
“Did you meet Kat?” Sam asked with a smile on her face.
“I did. And her daughter,” I answered before she could ask.
“What did you think?”
I looked at Sam. Her eyes slipped past me at Jack before coming back to mine.
“I didn’t think anything. I fixed the pipe, and I left.”
Sam’s shoulders slumped and she sighed.
“I told you, Sam, I’m not looking to have any kind of relationship. I’m not built for it.”
“Derek—”
I set Charlie on the floor. “I’ve told you both. I am happy to be here. Getting to know Jack and Charlie, and now the twins. Diamond Creek is a great little town, and I’m even considering staying after the work is done. But you’ve got to stop trying to set me up with women.”
“I just thought, maybe...”
I placed my hands on Sam’s shoulders. This had been a breakthrough for me. Even getting close enough to put my hands on her had taken time.
“I appreciate that you’re worried about me. But I’m happy. I promise. I’m not lonely. If that ever changes, you’ll be the first person to know.”
“Okay.” Sam smiled, and I kissed her head.
I’d spent a lot of time with Haizley talking about my childhood, my parents, and my resentment toward Jack being given away. We’d had sessions with the three of us, and I’d had sessions with Jack and Sam separately to work through different things.
While I’d once believed I loved this woman with everything I had, I now saw her as a sister. She was my brother’s wife, nothing more.
“Lunch is just about ready. Are you seeing Haizley today?”
“I am, right after lunch.”
Sam nodded and turned back to the counter.
I tried not to keep secrets from Jack and Sam.
They knew I was still seeing Haizley. I had a lot of shit to work through, and talking to Haizley helped.
But I couldn’t tell them about Frankie. I was sure they didn’t know, despite how similar she and Charlie were.
But I could talk to Haizley about it. She’d proven time and again I could trust her with my secrets. I didn’t count her as a friend, though we were friendly outside of our sessions. Haizley was my therapist. One I’d needed desperately but never would have taken a chance on had it not been for Jack.
After everything that happened with Marsha, Jack came to me and asked me to stay.
He wanted me to be a part of his life, a part of his family.
I’d agreed to stay through the holidays but had to go back to Arkansas to wrap shit up before coming back here to build his house.
From there it snowballed. Two houses were done; I was working on the third and planning the fourth.
If I didn’t know better, I’d swear these guys were settling down just to keep me busy enough to stay here.
Jack had also asked me to talk to Haizley. At least about what went down with Marsha, and then go from there. The first visit was awkward as fuck, being it was at the clubhouse and there was no love lost between myself and the Silver Shadows.
Blade tolerated me because he was Jack’s best friend. King was a diplomat and a leader through and through. He saw something in me that benefited his club and decided if Jack could work through it, the club could as well.
That didn’t hold true for all the brothers. Mimic and I would never be friends, but we’d settled on a mutual respect for each other when shit went down with Indie.
Most of the others were cordial, if not slightly friendly. Except for Zero. I didn’t know what that asshole’s problem was, but he wouldn’t let shit go. Shit that had nothing to do with him.
Sure, I got the whole loyalty bullshit, though I’d never experienced it myself. At least not until Jack. My little brother was a marvel. I still couldn’t comprehend how he could forgive me for what I did.
“I met my daughter.”
The words tumbled out of my mouth a second after Haizley closed the door.
“What? How?” she asked, her face a mix of confusion and surprise.
I paced her living room. Haizley had planned to open an office with her old man’s sister. But after the attack on the clubhouse, everything changed. Now Melissa lived in New York with no plans to return.
“King asked me to fix a leaky pipe at Grace’s house.”
“Where the woman who Stocks found is staying?”
“Yeah.” I ran my hands through my hair and looked at Haizley. “When I knocked on the door, the woman’s daughter answered. It was her.”
“How can you be sure? You’ve never seen her.”
I grabbed the back of my neck, avoiding eye contact with Haizley.
“Derek?” Haizley’s question told me she knew I hadn’t been completely truthful with her. It wasn’t that I lied. I never actually said I hadn’t met her.
“I met her before I signed my rights away.”
“I see.”
“Please don’t do that,” I begged.
“Do what?” Haizley asked as she sat forward, legs crossed, leaning her arms on her knee.
“That disappointed tone.”
“Well, I am disappointed, Derek. I thought we were doing really well.” She sat back, and the look on her face had shame washing through me.
I sat on the couch across from her. “I didn’t lie. I just didn’t tell you everything.”
“Clearly I am not asking the right questions. Can you tell me about meeting your daughter, the first time?”
I leaned back against the couch and closed my eyes as I shared the best and worst day of my life.
Ten years ago...
“Mr. Reynolds, right this way.”
I followed the woman whose name I couldn’t remember down a long, sterile hallway. She stopped in front of a door and opened it, allowing me to step in first.
My eyes shot around the room, taking everything in. Someone had painted it a cheerful yellow and decorated the walls with flowers and insects. It felt a little like walking into a garden.
It was a sharp contrast to the hall that had led us here.
There was a small sofa along the wall and a toy chest filled to the brim in the corner.
This was the room they used for family visits.
Supervised visitation while moms and dads who the court deemed unfit worked through their shit, trying to get their kids back.
Marsha hadn’t worked through her shit. Instead of letting the system work, she’d attacked Frankie’s social worker and ended up in jail. That was enough for the judge to terminate her rights.
That was why they’d come looking for me. As Frankie’s father, ideally, I would take responsibility for her. Only, I couldn’t. I didn’t trust myself to raise a child. It was why I took care of the possibility of ever fathering another child, permanently.
My eyes caught on the crib in the corner of the room and the little girl who stood there, watching me.
“Are you sure, Mr. Reynolds?”
I nodded, unable to say the words out loud now that she was here in front of me.
“I’m afraid I will need to hear the words.”
“I’m sure.” My voice cracked with emotion. “She deserves better than me.”
“Every parent is terrified in the beginning, sir.”
I whipped my head around and glared at her. “Does every parent grow up being beaten daily? I can’t take a chance that I will end up like my father, Miss Fredricks. She deserves more than that. More than what she’s had so far. I just wanted to meet her once.”
The woman nodded. “I can respect that, Mr. Reynolds. It takes a lot of courage to admit to our faults, but the fact that you are willing to give her up rather than risk her being hurt tells me you might make a better father than you think.”
I shook my head as I stared at my little girl. She had my mother’s eyes. Eyes I never thought I’d see again, eyes lost to the world when my father killed her. Eyes that looked into my soul and saw what my mother called possibility, the way she had.
“Would you like to hold her?”
“Is that allowed?”
“Until you sign those papers, she is your daughter.”
I slowly walked toward the crib and looked down at the tiny little girl. I didn’t have experience with kids, but she looked small. Too small. I reached down, lifted her from the crib, and held her against my chest.
“Hey, Curly Sue, I brought you something.”
I reached into my back pocket and pulled out the small stuffed bunny. It was no bigger than my hand and filled with little round pellets, making it floppy instead of stiff.
I handed it to my daughter and whispered, “I love you, Curly Sue. It’s why I have to let you go.”
“Oh, Derek.”
Haizley swiped at the tears that slid down her cheeks. She always tried to keep her emotions in check during our sessions, but as she had said before, she was only human.
“What are you going to do?”
“There’s nothing for me to do. I signed away my rights.”
“Do you think you can live in the same town as your daughter and not want to be her father?”
I stood up again and paced the room in front of the window. “It doesn’t matter what I want. She’s not mine anymore.”
“Have you told Jack? Or Sam?”
“No.” I spun around to face Haizley, the one person I had come to fully trust. “And I’m not going to. Frankie and her mom have no idea who I am, and I want it to stay that way.”
“But don’t you think—”
“NO!”
Haizley jumped, and I took a step back, shoving my hands into my pockets.
Haizley stood and walked toward me. “I’m not afraid of you, Derek.
” I stepped back until I hit the wall, my eyes falling to the floor in shame.
Haizley was right not to be afraid. I’d gotten that part of my temper under control.
But the anger, the verbal outbursts… I couldn’t seem to get a handle on those.
“Give me your hands, Derek.” Haizley held her hands out in front of me, waiting for me to place mine in hers. She did this every time I lost my temper.
“The sudden volume is what made me jump,” she confirmed.
I waited another beat before I pulled my hands out of my pockets and placed them in hers.
“It’s okay to be angry. Anger is an emotion, and emotions aren’t bad.
It’s okay to yell. Raising your voice doesn’t make you a bad person.
It means you’re feeling overwhelmed and those emotions aren’t being regulated.
And that, we can work on. You can learn how to overcome that; you have come so far already. ”
“No one can know, Haizley.”
Haizley looked up at me and smiled. I knew that smile, so it was no surprise when she responded, “Not until you’re ready.”